Sex without love - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:37 AM Thread Starter
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Sex without love

Hi,

My husband and I hate each other. It is a long story, but we both know it is going to divorce court. However, he and I both agreed we have "needs". We both have strong sex drives, and both agree we will no longer make love but we have sex about once a week. It is completely physical, very rarely with kissing. But, it feels good and it is a release.

Does anybody else out there do this? Is this normal?

Monica
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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 05:04 PM
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Re: Sex without love

If you and your husband feel that you each truly hate each other, but yet have the problem solving skills to be compassionate, understanding, kind, patient and respectful towards each other's sexual needs, there is a reason that feels good for both of you.
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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 12:50 PM
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Re: Sex without love

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Originally Posted by MonicaBU View Post
Hi,

My husband and I hate each other. It is a long story, but we both know it is going to divorce court. However, he and I both agreed we have "needs". We both have strong sex drives, and both agree we will no longer make love but we have sex about once a week. It is completely physical, very rarely with kissing. But, it feels good and it is a release.

Does anybody else out there do this? Is this normal?

Monica
I would suggest some form of MC, so that as you move forward into divorce and into legal single status, you figure out what is driving each of you to copulate with someone you "hate.". Otherwise, post divorce as you try to establish new long term relationships, the two of you might find you have lots of bad habits that get in the way of finding future happy marriages.

Good luck.
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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 12:57 PM
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Re: Sex without love

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Originally Posted by MonicaBU View Post
Hi,

My husband and I hate each other. It is a long story, but we both know it is going to divorce court. However, he and I both agreed we have "needs". We both have strong sex drives, and both agree we will no longer make love but we have sex about once a week. It is completely physical, very rarely with kissing. But, it feels good and it is a release.

Does anybody else out there do this? Is this normal?

Monica

Monica, when it comes to sex, everything is normal. Everything is normal because there is no way to define normal except in terms of statistics. But human sexuality never should be limited to what percentage of the population also engages in this specific sex act. Personally, I don't give a crap if 55% of the population orgasm by this one specific method, this method is how I orgasm!!! Make sense?

So yes, it is normal to continue to have sex with a partner you no longer feel attached to and even look forward to separating from. Sex is sex and as long as everyone is on the same page and agrees, it's all good!

Beside, I hear hate sex is awesome? Lemme know?

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:16 PM
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Re: Sex without love

Monica, I couldn't do what you're doing, personally.

Not without feeling I was setting myself up to stop feeling altogether.

Some people can't compartmentalize sex and intimacy as separate things. I am one of those people.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:26 PM
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Re: Sex without love

Been there, done that. I loathed my exH, but any port in a storm.

During the time I was having "I need to get laid and you're available" sex with my exH, I had a condom malfunction and got pregnant with DD#2, so be extra cautious if you're still fertile.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:43 PM
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Re: Sex without love

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Originally Posted by MonicaBU View Post
Hi,

My husband and I hate each other. It is a long story, but we both know it is going to divorce court. However, he and I both agreed we have "needs". We both have strong sex drives, and both agree we will no longer make love but we have sex about once a week. It is completely physical, very rarely with kissing. But, it feels good and it is a release.

Does anybody else out there do this? Is this normal?

Monica
I can't imagine wanting physical intimacy with someone who I actually hate.

How do you know you hate each other? Is this a mental, emotional, or spiritual hatred?

I've had relationships that begin with sex, usually on date #3, before there's really any love, but the love develops after a time. Except on one occasion...sex on date #1, then not so much hatred as a realization that I could not respect someone who did not respect herself, and I moved on having developed no depth of connection.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 03:51 PM
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Re: Sex without love

sounds like a perfectly fine arrangement. In fact, you could move into separate bedrooms, date others, have the occasional tryst with the spouse, and go on like that for many years.,
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post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 04:04 PM
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Re: Sex without love

It's something, but it isn't hate.

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Love can become a fertile ground for the emergence of hate. When the intensity and intimacy of love turns sour, hate may be generated. In these circumstances, hate serves as a channel of communication when other paths are blocked, and it functions to preserve the powerful closeness of the relationship, in which both connection and separation are impossible. Consider the following testimony of a man convicted of killing his wife (cited in the book, In the Name of Love): "You don't always kill a woman or feel jealousy about a woman or shout at a woman because you hate her. No. Because you love her, that's love." No doubt, love can be extremely dangerous, and people have committed the most horrific crimes in the name of love (and religion).

The claim that love and hate exist simultaneously is a more difficult case to explain; here we need to understand how two such divergent attitudes can be directed at the same person at the same time. A woman may say that she dearly loves her partner in general but hates him because he of his dishonesty. Accordingly, people do say something like: "I love and hate you at the same time." In this kind of attitude the profound positive and negative evaluations are directed at different aspects of the person. In a similar vein, an unmarried person in an extra-marital relationship might love the married person deeply, while also hating the beloved for preferring to maintain the bond with the spouse. Likewise, we may hate someone because we love him and are unable to free ourselves of our love for him, or because this love is not reciprocated.

To sum up: hating the one we love is possible from a logical point of view, as it does not necessarily involve a contradiction. This phenomenon, however, entails profound emotional dissonance, which in turn reduces the number of instances of such cases.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...you-i-love-you

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post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 05:40 PM
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Re: Sex without love

I think this really happens more than people realize. I never did this with my x wife because she was gross to me but I did this with an x gf. If this is what you need and both get something out of it then no problems I see. You are both consenting adults have at it.
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post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 06:14 PM
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Re: Sex without love

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Originally Posted by DustyDog View Post
I can't imagine wanting physical intimacy with someone who I actually hate.

How do you know you hate each other? Is this a mental, emotional, or spiritual hatred?

I've had relationships that begin with sex, usually on date #3, before there's really any love, but the love develops after a time. Except on one occasion...sex on date #1, then not so much hatred as a realization that I could not respect someone who did not respect herself, and I moved on having developed no depth of connection.
So did you lose respect for yourself afterwards as well? That seems like quite a double standard you're working with.

Last edited by WonkyNinja; 03-03-2017 at 06:15 PM. Reason: typo
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post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 09:07 PM
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post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 11:18 PM
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Re: Sex without love

After I broke up with my girlfriend/fiancee of 5 years, we continued to have sex. Same with a few others. It is fairly common for exes to have sex because after a long marriage it is not easy to get naked after having a few kids and/or gaining a few pounds. My wife and I learned early on that sex does not have to mean making love. We often had sex with others just to enjoy the sex. I had sex with about 19 women and only had relationships with 3. Where sex is concerned, what does love have to do with it.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 03-04-2017 at 12:25 PM.
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post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 05:59 AM
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. Where sex is concerned, what does love have to do with it.
so will it cause great outrage if i believe it has everything to do with it?
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post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 09:09 AM
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Re: Sex without love

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so will it cause great outrage if i believe it has everything to do with it?
For me, the sex had no lasting value without love. I needed it more often in an attempt to satisfy something inexplicable. My guess is that the chemicals produced weren't the same as when it's done in mutual love.

Could needing it more often be a sign of a lack of love? I suppose it depends on the individual.

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