Oral sex and foreplay - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 12:31 PM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

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Is your profession manual labor? An instance where your hands fingers could be to rough and painful no matter what you do the hands are rough. As far as the dirty part of they are stained from the type of work then they always appear dirty and the finger nails. Of they are dirty then the hand is also.
I'm a software engineer. My hands are smooth and clean.
Something about germs under your fingernails, maybe, or the length and shape of them? Start getting professional manicures? Is she OCD about cleanliness in other settings?
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post #17 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 02:31 PM
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Cool Re: Oral sex and foreplay

I think she needs to visit a sex therapist! It greatly seems that she has some underlying sexual issues that need to be quickly and logically resolved!

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post #18 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 03:19 PM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

I could give you a million reasons why your wife doesn't like that, but I could be wrong on every count.
If you are feeling like this could be a deal breaker and it would cause you to leave, then tell her this and maybe she can tell you why she doesn't like it.

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post #19 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:24 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

It could be some deep seated psychological problem. She was molested, or was beaten as a child for touching herself with her "dirty hands".

It could be a very practical concern about your nails having sharp edges, dirt under the fingernails, or generally not being as clean as you think.

It could just be that she doesn't like it. No great hangups, she just dislikes the sensation.

Do you know of she masturbates with her fingers?
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post #20 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 03:03 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

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Yes, on a number of occasions I have asked her what the objection was. If she responded at all, I'd get a terse answer: "your hands are dirty" or "you'll cut me".
My 2 cents after having been married for 45 years.

1. My wife has on ocassion complained about my fingernails scratching very sensitive skin. Talk to her and work n filing your fingernails smooth.

2. Has she had any history of Urinary Tract Infections? If so she could be afraid of any insertion bringing bacteria inside her.

The best thing to do is tell her (outside the bedroom) that you want to understand her concerns and fears. The listen to what she says.
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post #21 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:28 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

Next time have gloves and / or a vibrator. Come be she just has issues with insertions other than PIV - could seem weird or uncomfortable (emotionally). Many people bring FOO indirect beliefs and expectations that they don't even understand. Could be as simple as it seems like groping that she would associate with teen sex or something. "Being groped" is different from having sex - I'm just winging it to point out it could be any crazy association she picked up or formulated in her 42 years on earth. That's why I suggest gloves and / or slim vibrator to see if it's the insertion of not. I'd also only do it in the context of oral since she's comfortable with that


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post #22 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:03 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

The tissue is so sensitive. If you have a rough masculine hand it probably hurts. For me... I much Prefer touching over my underwear. And no touching me directly unless I'm wet. And it's better to start at the base where it's more wet, and work your way up.
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post #23 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 12:49 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

If someone says no, stop or I don't want or like it, there should be no need to continue to ask or pressure. We have a right to boundaries for our bodies. Just enjoy her and the things she does want.


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post #24 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:01 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

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If someone says no, stop or I don't want or like it, there should be no need to continue to ask or pressure. We have a right to boundaries for our bodies. Just enjoy her and the things she does want.


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Yeah, this.

If there's a deep-seeded reason for her to not enjoy this, that's her prerogative. While we all wish our partners would be 100% open with us about everything, that's just simply not going to happen.

It could also be, as she's already told you, a simple case of not liking it, period. Perhaps she doesn't know exactly why she doesn't like it - she just doesn't.

Look, my wife WILL NOT give me oral sex on it's own, period, full stop. As part of sex or foreplay - absolutely. Sometimes to completion. She swallows. She gets right into it. If she's determined to finish me this way, she won't let me stop her.

She's also told me that she unequivocally hates giving BJ's. I've tried to reconcile this by saying "but, but, but...!" and have yet to receive a logical answer.

Because one doesn't exist.

It's her prerogative to give me BJ's as part of sex or foreplay, but to HATE them at any other time.

AFAIC, perhaps my wife has had bad experiences with standalone BJ's in the past, and therefore despises them now. Maybe she had a very insistent boyfriend who expected this sort of thing from her on a regular basis.

More likely it's because she's extremely responsive desire. Once we get going, anything goes. Outside of that time, she won't even talk about sex. It's that so-called 'light switch' that responsive desire people seem to have. When the switch is 'on', anything is on the table - because she's getting hers, too.

People who are not responsive desire (and who don't have 'hang ups') are far more willing to give and receive sexual favors with no return.

Long story short, your wife doesn't like to be manually touched down there. If there's an underlying reason for it, it's not your place to coax it out of her. It's her prerogative to keep that to herself, if she chooses. It's not our job to fix people, or to normalize them. It's not my job, or my business, to get a definitive answer as to why my wife won't give me standalone BJ's, yet give them like a pro at any other time.

What we need to do more of, as couples, is to respect our partners likes and dislikes and leave them alone about these sorts of things. When we start questioning their reasons, that makes them feel as though they're broken, or not normal. I've learned this the hard way, unfortunately.

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post #25 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 08:26 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

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Consider anal sex. It is an important fantasy for some men and a dam uncomfortable reality for some women.
Yes, this utterly moronic and imbecilic suggestion is your magic answer to everything, OP.

This is exactly why I would never trust a sexual issue to some internet message board - the supposedly adult mouth-breathing fools who've never evolved and write offensive garbage like this. Must be pretty cold down in mom's basement.
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post #26 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:54 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

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Yes, this utterly moronic and imbecilic suggestion is your magic answer to everything, OP.

This is exactly why I would never trust a sexual issue to some internet message board - the supposedly adult mouth-breathing fools who've never evolved and write offensive garbage like this. Must be pretty cold down in mom's basement.
She's still got what? A Texas-sized chip on her shoulder? The person you're quoting isn't the OP. What is it about urf's analogy that prompts such hostility?
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post #27 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 12:04 PM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

The refusal to discuss is probably more of a stumbling block & intimacy killer than the aversion itself. Someone has a boundary, fine. But if she won't be honest with me & herself about it & make a good faith effort to put me in the picture, even if only to say "I've thought long & hard about it & frankly don't know why it turns me off," then I have a hard time picturing her as a life partner.
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post #28 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 12:29 PM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

I have not penetrated my wife's vagina for longer than we can remember in our 44 year marriage. Our best guess is 20 years. The reasons are due to medical issues. Like you, I cannot even insert a finger. Besides many surgeries, she is prone to yeast infections very easily and avoiding PIV sex has helped that. This is one of the reasons she enjoys sex with women. With me, she feels guilty that we cannot have intercourse, but with her girlfriend that is not an issue. It does not bother me since I prefer oral sex anyway. I find it more intimate. It pleases more of my senses which turns me on a lot more than PIV sex does. We did have lots of intercoure for the first 24 years of our marriage, but after finding out we are both sterile and she had too much scar tissue to make PIV sex comfortable, I agreed to forgo it. She will let me have intercourse if I asked, because that is the kind of wife she is, but I have no wish to hurt her or even make it an uncomfortable experience for her.

As we say, a great orgasm is a great orgasm no matter how you get it.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.
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post #29 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 12:38 PM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

Her terse reactions seem like it's a trigger for something bad in the past.
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post #30 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 02:48 PM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

I'm *guessing* that she interpreted Urfs statement to mean "consider performing anal sex" rather than "ponder how anal sex relates to this situation". Either could be inferred from the statement.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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