Oral sex and foreplay - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 02:55 PM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

Dirty finger(nails). My W hates them. However, if clean no aversion to fingering. Getting cut...nails again. If your W does not like any of it don't do it.

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post #32 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 05:52 PM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

Have you tried to slip a finger in her while your eating her out? As she closes in on orgasm you should be able to get your thumb in her at least a little way. Don't push it (literally) and don't talk about it. If she doesn't freak just make it part of your oral thing. At first I would definitely wait until she was just about to cum. If she gets mad you have a great excuse in that it's usually so wet & slippery down there by that time that you can legitimately say it just "slipped in".

TBH - I don't think it would bother me as long as she liked sex in general and everything else was good for her.
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post #33 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 01:07 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

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Originally Posted by Fozzy View Post
I'm *guessing* that she interpreted Urfs statement to mean "consider performing anal sex" rather than "ponder how anal sex relates to this situation". Either could be inferred from the statement.
I expect you're right; although the description of anal as "damned uncomfortable for some women" should be a major clue that urf isn't recommending it as a panacea.
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post #34 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 06:01 PM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

Clit is very sensitive. A finger might be way too rough for it. Tongue is much more gentle.
Is it possible you go there too early on in foreplay? What happens when you try using your hands just before she orgasms? (When she's already very warmed up).
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post #35 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 04:00 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

She's likely had yeast infections or UTIs from grubby hands in the past. She's likely had an infection from being cut inside by a jagged fingernail in the past.

I've had both happen in the past and they're unpleasant enough to make you overly concerned about them happening again.

Wash your hands with soap & water before you touch her. Let her SEE you do this. Clean dirt from your nails, keep them clipped and filed down.

It's not a lot to ask to bring some comfort and ease of mind to your spouse.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #36 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 06:24 AM
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Cool Re: Oral sex and foreplay

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Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
Dirty finger(nails). My W hates them. However, if clean no aversion to fingering. Getting cut...nails again. If your W does not like any of it don't do it.
Provided that her H/SO either has fingernails that are as long and pointed as Esmeralda, or are as dirty and filthy as the Roto-Rooter man, then just who in the hell could possibly blame her for being the least bit upset about having that happen to her?

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post #37 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 07:22 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

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I expect you're right; although the description of anal as "damned uncomfortable for some women" should be a major clue that urf isn't recommending it as a panacea.
Let me be clear. I certainly didn't state my thought in a way that was unambiguous the first time.

Anal sex is a wide spread fantasy for men. Most of the women I've met would not like it. The example was meant to say that not every woman likes what men, even men they love dearly, do to their bodies and they have every right to feel that way. Obvious huh?

Even the sex act has practical limitations. The OP said that the issue was becoming a deal breaker. My personal feeling is that is shallow. If all other aspects of the relationship are good then WTF. OTOH the heart wants what the heart wants.

The issue may be a cover for another problem which is as yet unrevealed to us here.

PS: Some means that not every woman is the same. There are those that are willing to try and those that enjoy it.
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post #38 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 11:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

I have been off the board for a couple of days and just read through the many replies. Thank you very much for your input. To answer some of your questions.

Yes, my hands are clean and fingernails trimmed. No calluses. I am a bit of a clean freak, so I know cleanliness couldn't possibly be an issue.

I have tried to slowly insert one finger while licking her, but on each attempt she jumped up and said 'No!'. Trust me, it was a real mood killer.

I've tried to slowly massage her and let her watch me insert the tip of my finger, but she yanks my hand away.

One time I asked her to finger herself while I was licking her. She did it for about five seconds, stopped, and said she hated it.

Some respondents have dogged me for saying this is turning into a deal breaker, so to those I ask, why should I endure of life of unsatisfactory sex? I miss the enormous turn on I get from feeling the warmth and wetness of a vagina: massaging that one particular place that makes a woman melt and become crazy with passion. I don't see how that is too big of an ask.
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post #39 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 12:18 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

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Some respondents have dogged me for saying this is turning into a deal breaker, so to those I ask, why should I endure of life of unsatisfactory sex? I miss the enormous turn on I get from feeling the warmth and wetness of a vagina: massaging that one particular place that makes a woman melt and become crazy with passion. I don't see how that is too big of an ask.
It's not, but it does beg the question of why you married her when you must have known she was like this already. People do not fundamentally change and as much as I can see the frustration of the situation and the desire for you to want her to just enjoy herself, it is unfair of you to assume she's going to change by you convincing yourself you can coax her to change.

There could be any number of reasons why she doesn't like it (I was just offering a couple from my own experience). She will likely get upset if you start to pry into her reasons. If she has other areas she appreciates having stimulated, maybe focus on these. There are many erogenous zones on the human body.

And if it is truly a deal-breaker to you, and the rest of the marriage isn't too great, I'd say let her go and make darn sure the next woman in your life can melt, preferably before you marry her.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #40 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 12:19 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

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I have been off the board for a couple of days and just read through the many replies. Thank you very much for your input. To answer some of your questions.

Yes, my hands are clean and fingernails trimmed. No calluses. I am a bit of a clean freak, so I know cleanliness couldn't possibly be an issue.

I have tried to slowly insert one finger while licking her, but on each attempt she jumped up and said 'No!'. Trust me, it was a real mood killer.

I've tried to slowly massage her and let her watch me insert the tip of my finger, but she yanks my hand away.

One time I asked her to finger herself while I was licking her. She did it for about five seconds, stopped, and said she hated it.

Some respondents have dogged me for saying this is turning into a deal breaker, so to those I ask, why should I endure of life of unsatisfactory sex? I miss the enormous turn on I get from feeling the warmth and wetness of a vagina: massaging that one particular place that makes a woman melt and become crazy with passion. I don't see how that is too big of an ask.


You're way over generalizing to say this is the "one place that makes a woman melt and become crazy with passion."

The clit is much more likely to cause that reaction. It is not uncommon for a woman to find insertions to be meh (in comparison). I realize porn plays up the "crazy with passion" thing but that's far from a universal reaction.

You might want to talk with a sex therapist if you can find a good one. I saw one after listening to a webcast she'd made and saw her a second time with my W. you might be surprised by what you learn


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post #41 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 06:58 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

Quote:
Originally Posted by ipad View Post
I have been off the board for a couple of days and just read through the many replies. Thank you very much for your input. To answer some of your questions.

Yes, my hands are clean and fingernails trimmed. No calluses. I am a bit of a clean freak, so I know cleanliness couldn't possibly be an issue.

I have tried to slowly insert one finger while licking her, but on each attempt she jumped up and said 'No!'. Trust me, it was a real mood killer.

I've tried to slowly massage her and let her watch me insert the tip of my finger, but she yanks my hand away.

One time I asked her to finger herself while I was licking her. She did it for about five seconds, stopped, and said she hated it.

Some respondents have dogged me for saying this is turning into a deal breaker, so to those I ask, why should I endure of life of unsatisfactory sex? I miss the enormous turn on I get from feeling the warmth and wetness of a vagina: massaging that one particular place that makes a woman melt and become crazy with passion. I don't see how that is too big of an ask.
It seems it is about your pleasure and not hers. It clearly does not make her melt. Find something else that does make her melt.
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post #42 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 09:09 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

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while I was licking her. She did it for about five seconds, stopped, and said she hated it.

Some respondents have dogged me for saying this is turning into a deal breaker, so to those I ask, why should I endure of life of unsatisfactory sex? I miss the enormous turn on I get from feeling the warmth and wetness of a vagina: massaging that one particular place that makes a woman melt and become crazy with passion. I don't see how that is too big of an ask.
Dude, does the word "narcissism" hold any meaning for you? You are not wrong for wanting a complete and satisfying marriage relationship which includes 100% fulfilling sexual experiences but 99% is not bad either.

There are layers and layers of unexplored interactions going on inside you head. What you have expressed here is just the surface. Nobody but nobody throws away a marriage over this. You need to examine this in the safety of a therapists office.

Have you told her that you are gone if she won't let you finger her?

Said like that it sounds ludicrous. I'm telling you there is something else going on that you have not thought about. She is resisting giving herself 100% to you and she has her reasons too. The challenge is discover those root causes of disaffection before they become intractable. Get help. Here you can talk. In the office is where you do the work.
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post #43 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 09:11 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

I am thinking of getting a divorce because my wife won't let me touch her left ear.
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post #44 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 08:19 PM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

I understand something like this being a reason to abandon a relationship.

When I was dating my wife, first having sex with her, I told her she could not impose boundaries if she wanted me. Of course, I did get that out of the way well before we married.

I have to wonder why you waited so long to address this. I would have broken off after the third date, amicably, and I would have wished her well, but I would have known it couldn't work.

And from the description I suspect the woman in question won't allow the Original Poster to massage her clitoris, either.
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post #45 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 08:56 PM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

Does her not wanting you to do that make you want to do it more? It sounds like aside from her not liking that, your sex life is good (no complaints about frequency or other things).

There could be a concrete reason, like molestation, fear of being hurt (as she claims), some past experience prior to you that caused an aversion. Or, it could be, she just does not like it and doesn't know why. Some people love having their ears licked and sucked, some people are creeped out by it. Who knows why?

Just remember the purpose of foreplay and sex is to bring pleasure to both parties. There are a lot of activities to pick from. It seems you could find things you both enjoy. You both enjoy her making you hard. You both do not enjoy you fingering her. If you keep pushing her she's likely to develop a sexual aversion.

If you think there is a specific reason she is not telling you, have you tried bringing it up when you are NOT having foreplay? That little stunt you pulled about getting her to tell you how turned on she was making you hard and then flipping it around on her? Not cool dude. I understand your desire to make her understand, but her understanding that it would turn you on to do it will not magically make it tolerable for her to be touched in that specific way. It's just going to make her feel inadequate and harassed.
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