Oral sex and foreplay - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #46 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:59 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

@WorkingWife: Not fun, but probably the only way to get her to understand how much discomfort she is causing him. Which is likely the only thing that will motivate her to talk about whatever makes her uncomfortable to be touched in that spot. If she doesn't feel guilty about making him feel bad, she won't be motivated to overcome her discomfort from talking about her past. Clearly, her very understandable first reaction to being asked about it is: "it hurts me to even think about that, much less talk about it. Why are you asking me about that? Can't you just leave it alone?" Only by giving her a glimpse of HIS pain can he expect her to realize why he cannot "just leave it alone".

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post #47 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:16 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

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So...how to write this without offending anyone (as has happened on other forums). My wife enjoys receiving and giving oral sex, as do I. But, when it comes to foreplay, touching and/or massaging her 'down there' is an absolute no go. If I try to penetrate her with a finger (no matter how gentle), she immediately grabs my hand and says 'no'. I cannot reconcile her demand for oral sex, but her aversion to me touching or massaging her in the same place. I've tried to discuss it with her, but she is very reluctant to talk about it. The most I've gotten is that my hand could be dirty, or that I'll cut her.

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Well, you've tried - in your way - the obvious. Ask what's up. Maybe ask a different way. Is it painful? Overstimulated?

FWIW, the women in my past did not want direct contact down there as any sort of first step. They needed a warm up. Caress the lower abdomen first, then inner thighs, brush the hand across the pubic mound...not until she's really excited did she want any direct contact by finger. Oral was often more comfortable for them...saliva has the right PH balance for sensitive tissues. By comparison, fingers are salty and may well sting. However, I've also known two who said any direct contact was a mix of uncomfortable/makes me want to pee/painful/overstimulated.

So...easy answer #2 - do as she requests.

To my mind, this is a small problem...there are women (and men) who either dislike orgasms or dislike the notion that someone else helps them get there - feelings of loss of control. Been with a couple of them, can't figure out a way around it. And I like the idea of pleasing my partner.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #48 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 01:23 PM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

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@WorkingWife: Not fun, but probably the only way to get her to understand how much discomfort she is causing him. Which is likely the only thing that will motivate her to talk about whatever makes her uncomfortable to be touched in that spot. If she doesn't feel guilty about making him feel bad, she won't be motivated to overcome her discomfort from talking about her past. Clearly, her very understandable first reaction to being asked about it is: "it hurts me to even think about that, much less talk about it. Why are you asking me about that? Can't you just leave it alone?" Only by giving her a glimpse of HIS pain can he expect her to realize why he cannot "just leave it alone".
I see what you're saying. But when I picture that event from her perspective - here she is making herself vulnerable telling him how turning him on turns her on, and she's thinking they're in the middle of an intimate sexual moment, and then BAM - turns out he's just giving her a trick question to teach her a lesson. Wow, I'd be beyond furious and hurt and probably never want to get him hard again.

From his perspective, I can see the frustration of not knowing the real reason she doesn't like that. Assuming there is a "reason" that she can articulate, she's withholding part of herself from her husband by refusing to let him in. That's very hurtful and frustrating from his point of view.
Regardless, there is a difference between her enjoying doing something that does turn him on that also turns her on, and him wanting her to let him do something that she does not like just because it turns him on. They are not the same.

I could be wrong, but from the original post, I sense the real problem is feeling like she's not being open/honest with him. He doesn't believe the reasons she gives him, and as a woman, I'm quite skeptical of her reasons too. That's why I think talking about it when not having sex would be the best option.

If his goal is to just get her to let him do it because he wants to even though she can't stand it, well, I don't think that's going to end well for either of them. He's becoming obsessed with the fact that she won't let him and, I believe, losing perspective that she also has a point of view here.

Ha - I just had a mental image of her jamming a sharp fingernail in his ass during foreplay, him protesting, and then her saying "now you can understand the fear I feel when you use your fingers on me."
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post #49 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:32 PM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

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Ha - I just had a mental image of her jamming a sharp fingernail in his ass during foreplay, him protesting, and then her saying "now you can understand the fear I feel when you use your fingers on me."
I get the impression you view that as something terrible if she did it. Actually, I think it would be helpful. Because it might get them talking. If he said "oww, that hurts. If my touching your clit feels like that, then I understand why you don't want me to do it. But if you file your fingernails, you can touch me anywhere. Can we discuss what I could do so that me touching your clit doesn't hurt that much?
" Anything that gets her opening up on why (to the extent she knows) it hurts when he touches her clit would, despite immediate pain, be a "good thing" in the long run. Most women don't feel pain when someone lovingly touches their clit, and if she does, then there may be something medically or psychologically wrong. And addressing that medical or psychological issue would help her, her husband and their marriage.

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post #50 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 03:36 PM
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She didn't say it was pain.

She likes oral. She just doesn't like manual stimulation in the same place. I don't understand the big deal. Maybe there isn't anything to articulate, and she she just doesn't like it. I know people who can't stand to have their ears and neck licked, but kisses are fine. People who don't like their breasts fondled, but like them kissed or licked.

Big deal out of someone's touch preference. Oral yes, manual no. No big deal.
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post #51 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 04:51 PM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

Anything is a big deal if it bothers one of the people in the relationship. There can never be a successful resolution if one or the other person trivializes the issue.

If one of the people in a relationship decides something is a problem, regardless which one, and regardless how trivial it seems to all these internet jockeys, it's a problem. And once one of them decides they are unsatisfied it is important for the other person in the relationship to take the issue seriously if there is to be progress toward a satisfactory resolution.

The idea people can just say oh how trivial you should just forget about it and that is somehow useful is sad.

I suppose the battle lines would have been drawn differently if it had been a wife complaining about an odd constraint imposed by a husband. That's the sort of prejudice I see here, anyway.

Too bad there's not more genuine interest in actually trying to help rather than ridicule.
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post #52 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 05:46 PM
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Anything is a big deal if it bothers one of the people in the relationship. There can never be a successful resolution if one or the other person trivializes the issue.

If one of the people in a relationship decides something is a problem, regardless which one, and regardless how trivial it seems to all these internet jockeys, it's a problem. And once one of them decides they are unsatisfied it is important for the other person in the relationship to take the issue seriously if there is to be progress toward a satisfactory resolution.

The idea people can just say oh how trivial you should just forget about it and that is somehow useful is sad.

I suppose the battle lines would have been drawn differently if it had been a wife complaining about an odd constraint imposed by a husband. That's the sort of prejudice I see here, anyway.

Too bad there's not more genuine interest in actually trying to help rather than ridicule.
We're talking about an area of his wife's body she LIKES touched with his mouth and tongue, just not hands. She can't MAKE that area like to be touched manually any more then I can grow to like mayonnaise. This is helping.... Helping the OP put this in perspective.

Talk about trying to control the types of sexual touch someone likes or dislikes, WTF...
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post #53 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 06:26 PM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

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I get the impression you view that as something terrible if she did it. Actually, I think it would be helpful. Because it might get them talking. If he said "oww, that hurts. If my touching your clit feels like that, then I understand why you don't want me to do it. But if you file your fingernails, you can touch me anywhere. Can we discuss what I could do so that me touching your clit doesn't hurt that much?
" Anything that gets her opening up on why (to the extent she knows) it hurts when he touches her clit would, despite immediate pain, be a "good thing" in the long run. Most women don't feel pain when someone lovingly touches their clit, and if she does, then there may be something medically or psychologically wrong. And addressing that medical or psychological issue would help her, her husband and their marriage.
"Terrible" is a strong word. Like I said, I understand the instinct that drove him to do that.

What I view as a mistake is trying to "teach your spouse a lesson" in order to get your way. I would be very surprised if a productive conversation ever resulted from someone "tricking" their partner into seeing the superiority of their point of view.

I remember once I was dating a guy and we were with some friends at the fair at night (so it was a little dark). I was with a group of about 5 and I was pushing one of the girl's baby stroller. They were all looking at something in the same booth. I turned my head to look too and took my hand off the stroller (that was in the middle of all of us) for maybe 5, 10 seconds.

I've never had a baby so I don't know if that was crazy negligent or not, I just wasn't thinking. Well my date saw that and quickly moved the stroller away to "teach me a lesson" on child care. I turned back and that stroller was gone and the panic I felt? And he thought it was his job to "teach me what it would feel like" if I lost someone's baby at the fair? WTF. Let's just say I did not appreciate the "lesson" and the resulting conversation was not productive.
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post #54 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 06:37 PM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

They really should be seeing a marriage counselor. The wife is refusing to even discuss the issue and refuses to go to counseling.

I might think there is little to help him, but I certainly think ridicule won't help.

I do think she should be willing to go to counseling. I think any spouse, either male or female, should be willing to go to counseling and talk about any issue at all if their Significant Other requests it. Any issue, and I mean anything. If my wife wants me to go to a counselor to talk about how loudly I blink my eyes, I will go.

Constantly belittling the OP seems to be a general idea which is catching on, though.
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