: Not fun, but probably the only way to get her to understand how much discomfort she is causing him. Which is likely the only thing that will motivate her to talk about whatever makes her uncomfortable to be touched in that spot. If she doesn't feel guilty about making him feel bad, she won't be motivated to overcome her discomfort from talking about her past. Clearly, her very understandable first reaction to being asked about it is: "it hurts me to even think about that, much less talk about it. Why are you asking me about that? Can't you just leave it alone?" Only by giving her a glimpse of HIS pain can he expect her to realize why he cannot "just leave it alone".
I see what you're saying. But when I picture that event from her perspective - here she is making herself vulnerable telling him how turning him on turns her on, and she's thinking they're in the middle of an intimate sexual moment, and then BAM - turns out he's just giving her a trick question to teach her a lesson. Wow, I'd be beyond furious and hurt and probably never want to get him hard again.
From his perspective, I can see the frustration of not knowing the real reason she doesn't like that. Assuming there is a "reason" that she can articulate, she's withholding part of herself from her husband by refusing to let him in. That's very hurtful and frustrating from his point of view.
Regardless, there is a difference between her enjoying doing something that does
turn him on that also turns her on, and him wanting her to let him
do something that she does not like
just because it turns him on. They are not
I could be wrong, but from the original post, I sense the real problem is feeling like she's not being open/honest with him. He doesn't believe the reasons she gives him, and as a woman, I'm quite skeptical of her reasons too. That's why I think talking about it when not having sex would be the best option.
If his goal is to just get her to let him do it because he wants to even though she can't stand it, well, I don't think that's going to end well for either of them. He's becoming obsessed with the fact that she won't let him and, I believe, losing perspective that she also has a point of view here.
Ha - I just had a mental image of her jamming a sharp fingernail in his ass during foreplay, him protesting, and then her saying "now you can understand the fear I feel when you use your fingers on me."