Oral sex and foreplay - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #1 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 06:37 AM Thread Starter
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Oral sex and foreplay

So...how to write this without offending anyone (as has happened on other forums). My wife enjoys receiving and giving oral sex, as do I. But, when it comes to foreplay, touching and/or massaging her 'down there' is an absolute no go. If I try to penetrate her with a finger (no matter how gentle), she immediately grabs my hand and says 'no'. I cannot reconcile her demand for oral sex, but her aversion to me touching or massaging her in the same place. I've tried to discuss it with her, but she is very reluctant to talk about it. The most I've gotten is that my hand could be dirty, or that I'll cut her.

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post #2 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 06:43 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

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I have read of instances where people can not tolerate being touched by someone else's hand because of having been sexually molested in that exact manner.

That may or may not be what you are dealing with, but it gives you an idea of at least one possibility.
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post #3 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 06:43 AM
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Yes...Stop touching her there, as she requested.
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post #4 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 07:11 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

There could be any number of problems with digital insertion, right down to your skin oils being irritating to her vaginal tissues. Since she already likes oral, why not use your tongue to **** her. I harden mine and insert it. It ususally is met with a very positive response. Have you not asked what her objection is?
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post #5 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 08:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

Yes, on a number of occasions I have asked her what the objection was. If she responded at all, I'd get a terse answer: "your hands are dirty" or "you'll cut me". Oddly, I get the dirty hands answer even in the shower. Mistakenly, I thought over time she would get over this. For instance, I thought being gentle and understanding along with her willingness to allow me to pleasure her in a way that I find highly erotic we could get past this. That has not been the case.

Her unwillingness to talk about or even work on this is creating a wedge in the relationship, at least on my part. Furthermore, I find this extremely frustrating since I have done many things for her (related to sex and otherwise) to make her happy. She will not talk to therapist about this, with or without me there.

One person mentioned sexual molestation in the past. Yes, anything is possible, but I highly doubt it.
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post #6 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 08:30 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

How old are both of you and how long have you been together?
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post #7 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 08:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

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How old are both of you and how long have you been together?
Me 47, she 42. We've been together for six years, married two.
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post #8 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 08:59 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

From your description there does not appear to be any "deal breakers" in there. I guess most people have to adjust their expectations to the realities of participating in a relationship with another fully formed human being rather than a fantasy. That does not mean you should'n't work towards getting every desire within the relationship fulfilled, rather know it will take time to make even small progress towards a mutual agreement on what you can and can't do.

It comes down to "pick your battles".
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post #9 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 09:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

She likes to stroke me when I'm flaccid and watch get me hard. One time I asked her to describe for me how it felt for her to get me hard as she was doing it. She went into great detail as to how it was making her wet, made her nipples tingle, got her excited with all sorts of sexual positions running through her mind, etc. At the point I became fully erect, I looked at her said, "you are denying me the very same thing you find so exciting". Needless to say we didn't have sex after that, but I tried to make my point. Saddly, Urf, this is becoming a deal breaker.
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post #10 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 09:17 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

Is your profession manual labor? An instance where your hands fingers could be to rough and painful no matter what you do the hands are rough. As far as the dirty part of they are stained from the type of work then they always appear dirty and the finger nails. Of they are dirty then the hand is also.
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post #11 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 09:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

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Is your profession manual labor? An instance where your hands fingers could be to rough and painful no matter what you do the hands are rough. As far as the dirty part of they are stained from the type of work then they always appear dirty and the finger nails. Of they are dirty then the hand is also.
I'm a software engineer. My hands are smooth and clean.
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post #12 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 10:21 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

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I'm a software engineer. My hands are smooth and clean.
What if you are wearing a latex glove, does that help her become more comfortable with the idea?

Perhaps she once had a bad infection or something and was traumatized by that and developed somewhat of a germaphobia thinking it was caused by a transfer from her or someone else's hand.
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post #13 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 10:24 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

If she doesn't like being touched like that, then just don't do it. There's no reason to convince her, if she enjoys others things better.

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post #14 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 10:41 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

Have you thought of incorporating a small vibrator that can be inserted? It is possible during her sexual past that she was scratched by an errant fingernail or a former lover's hygiene was not up to snuff and as a result she got an infection
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post #15 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 11:08 AM
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Re: Oral sex and foreplay

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She likes to stroke me when I'm flaccid and watch get me hard. One time I asked her to describe for me how it felt for her to get me hard as she was doing it. She went into great detail as to how it was making her wet, made her nipples tingle, got her excited with all sorts of sexual positions running through her mind, etc. At the point I became fully erect, I looked at her said, "you are denying me the very same thing you find so exciting". Needless to say we didn't have sex after that, but I tried to make my point. Saddly, Urf, this is becoming a deal breaker.
I have heard this described as the "tissue issue". Both are holding onto one end of the tissue afraid to pull too hard lest it tear. The tissue is a surrogate for something else.

If I were a guessing man I would guess it's the 100% factor. How can you love me if you do not give me 100% of yourself? The problem with that thinking is that there is always another day and another issue.

Consider anal sex. It is an important fantasy for some men and a dam uncomfortable reality for some women.

I think you have a situation that needs to be addressed before it metastasizes. Find someone who can redirect your dissatisfaction on this issue to the underlying root cause.


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