I been married for 14 years and dated my husband long distance for 3 years. We had regular sex activities the first year of marriage but after that it's been little to none.
My husband is a shy person and come from alcoholic family (both parents) and seems to have attachment problem. He is very caring to my oldest child but not the second one. He pays little attention to me. He is a good person and he does take care a lot of things around the house. The only emotional I see him express is nothing or anger (there seems to be no other emotions in between).
I know he is not cheating on me but cannot figure out what the problem is. He really just not emotional attached to anyone and has no sexual desire what’s so ever. If I demand it he will be kind enough to hug and kiss me but that’s it.
He did filed divorce 10 years ago when I was traveling but we made up afterwards and he has been seeing a counselor ever since. I have tried to initiate sex over the years but he always pushes me away and said he is not interested. I know I have more sex drive than he before we were married but not have any sex is driving me insane and I don't want to cheat on him.
I need some advice as what I should do? Can he change or should I just file for divorce and move on with my life (I did not want to do this to hurt my kids but I also don't want to be unloved for the rest of my life).
Not a lot is known about why men go off sex. I have found out a lot about why women go off it, because it's easy to find women who will talk about it, and men who will complain.
I only found a few reasons which I will list for you, but they may well not apply.
He might be very depressed - is he on meds?
Low testosterone
Some men who get sexually rejected by a wife at some point - say after a baby- then get their pride so hurt they can never initiate sex again.
He has some form of ED, and is embarrassed to attempt sex because of the fear of failure.
Some men are very visual and if wifey no longer looks hot enough they lose interest - very superficial, but some men get like this.
Excessive nagging at some point...
Have you actually tried to initiate full sex? have you told him how upset you are?
If you are actually thinking of leaving him anyway, will an ultimatum - (agree to work on it or I go) do any good?
Another problem is that wives that have been denied sex a long time get very very low self esteem - which unfortunately make them less attractive anyway. I have not come across a single case where the wife did not suffer an erosion of self worth, so you need to look at this.
I am not sure my findings for when it's the other way around will help, but it's here.
Thanks for your input. I do think my husband has very low testosterone. He is not interested in other women.
"Have you actually tried to initiate full sex? have you told him how upset you are?"
I did try to initiate full sex but he thinks I am force him into something and he try to make me into a bad person. I also told him that I am upset but he just said that he is not ready to have sex.
One common recurring reason about why our relationship is not what it should be is that he blames me for everything. He says I yell at the kids and him too much and he just afraid that I will yell at him. But if you ask the kids, they think daddy is always angry and they are not afraid of mommy.
I think I married someone who is emotionally traumatized by his parent’s alcohol problems and I don't think I am the right person to fix his entire problem. I hate the thought of hurting my children if we do divorce.
You are right that my self esteem have suffered (the good thing is that I did come from very loving family and had very high self esteem to start) but I now realize that it’s not me and I need to do something before I destroy my own happiness. I have hide behind my work and kids for many years so I don’t have to face the issues with my husband. The sad part is that everyone around us thinks we have the perfect life and some of my girlfriends would love to have my life (only if they know what happens behind the closed door).
I think your husband needs to sort his attitude out first, once he at least starts trying to make the effort then you can meet him half way. Its hard for the male ego not to be able to perfom sexually so then the whole attitude might just be a way of preserving his dignity.
If you talk to him and he does at least want to make the attempt then there are lots of things you can do to make him respond physically. Even if a guy thinks he's not going to be able to perorm with the right coaxing it can work.
Thanks Sarah and MarkTwain for all your advice. I think my husband does want to stay together and said he is willing to try (as for how often, this is still a question). We tried couple time this month, I initiated it and this is when he gets angry with me.
Before this year, I cannot remember when we had sex last (years). I am not sure about masterbation, I don't think he does (only time he did is when I was going though IVF).
The more I think about my situation, the more I believe this is all about control and whatever his mother did to him when he is young. He thinks I am his mother who is suppose to potect him from ... (his father?).
In that case, he should read (and so should you), "mating in captivity" it completely covers that sort of thing. Order a copy today, it will set you both free.
As for him saying he is willing to have sex. Get on with it! The more a sexless person does it, the more used to it they get. You will probably have to initiate, or the months will slip by.
Adult Attachment Disorder (avoident) is one of the major causes of the sexless marriage. Children of alcoholics especially are prone to this and the result is either a conscious or subconscious fear of intimacy. This makes sex very unpleasant and stressful.
Often the person can be aroused by the newness and excitement of a relationship in its early stages and this will mask the intimacy disorder.
But when marriage happens and the couple settles into a long term relationship, the intimacy difficulties caused by the attachment disorder rise to the surface and the sex dwindles down to nothing or suddenly stops altogether. This explains why many marriages start out ok sexually but then suddenly change. Often too, it is the birth of a child that will trigger the symptoms of an attachment disorder.
Often the first sign of trouble is sexual dysfunction. In men trouble getting or keeping an erection and/or trouble ejaculating during intercourse which leads to inhibited sexual desire disorder. In women, the inability to achieve orgasm is common.
It s important to note that very often people just experience these symptoms without knowing what is causing them. Many refused spouses of these people become angry thinking their partner is being selfish or punishing them in some way or worse, they blame themselves for the lack of sexual interest on the part of the refusing spouse. The refuser's anxiety and confusion, guilt and shame causes them to withdraw so explanations are usually not forthcoming adding to the refused partner's distress.
Other attachment disorder symptoms can be anxiety, depression, or "addictions" used to soothe the person's feelings of unease, not only sexually, but in everyday life. So you see people abusing such as drinking, drugs, food, masturbation and/or porn. People who suffer from this are also very often loners, fiercely independent and sometimes suffer from social phobias.
Many men with attachment disorders come to prefer self masturbation and porn use over partner sex because it is less stressful and they perceive it as a more enjoyable experience.
Pharma Drugs taken to fight the depression and anxiety can also kill the libido.
In these cases marital or sex therapy rarely works. The person with the Attachment Disorder needs long term psychotherapy which examines the roots of the problem in childhood and the family of origin.
It is very important that people don't obsess and freak out over symptoms, and ignore the underlying problem. The thing about sex is....what's not to like? Well, the answer is plenty if it makes you feel stressed or uneasy and of course, this is not how most people react. So it is obvious something serious is going on. Find out what, and you can start on the long road back.
Hubby not interested in sex at all
