I get upset when my husband wants to give me oral sex - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:30 PM
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Cool Re: I get upset when my husband wants to give me oral sex

@casa82 ~ no offense, but please try to get into sex therapy ~ this type of abhorant reaction on your part, to what is intended to be nothing more than a most natural expression of love, is totally unnatural as well as being on the cusp of sheer irrationality!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #17 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:40 PM
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Re: I get upset when my husband wants to give me oral sex

So one day you liked oral sex, the next you hate it. And nothing happened inbetween?

Is oral sex the real issue here? If you don't want your husband to do it, tell him not to. The bigger issue is why your not having more sex.
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post #18 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 12:08 AM
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Re: I get upset when my husband wants to give me oral sex

I think that the reason the oral sex thing bothers you is that it's when you are the most vulnerable.

You seem to really resent your husband. So when you are the most vulnerable, with your guard down, the resentment takes over.

You need to get into individual counseling to figure out how to deal with all that pent up resentment. You might also need some sex therapy. But I'll bet that if you get rid of the resentment, your desire for sex will return.

You might also benefit from reading the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". After you read them, get your husband to read them too.

Your marriage is in real trouble.
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post #19 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:50 AM
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Re: I get upset when my husband wants to give me oral sex

Without reading any of the other replies, the first thing that popped into my head was - resentment.

Where this resentment is stemming from, I don't know. Perhaps it's simply related to sex, perhaps it's other things.

I lived through many years of being resented for various things, with my ex wife. Years of her being mad at me for seemingly innocuous things. Things she couldn't or wouldn't express to me, to give me the opportunity to change. Things that I likely wouldn't have been able to change anyway.

By the time she finally split, one of the things she told me (and not in a nice way, either), was that I "stole her 20's" from her. Like it was my fault, and our marriage was somehow forced upon her. Point being - resentment is far too often rooted in illogical scenarios. And the longer this resentment goes, the more it makes sense to the one doing it.

Outside influences can often aid and abet these feelings, as well. It's highly likely my ex wife, at some point, had a crisis about the direction her life had taken. Maybe she read, or heard, or was told that one is supposed to be free and party and figure things out during one's 20's. And then went home to her boring married life, staring at the same guy day after day.

In short, resentment is deflection, IMO. It starts off small, because it's easy to blame somebody else. Over time, it becomes 100% their fault.

If you, for example, have this resentment towards your seeming lack of a sex life, it's easy to blame your husband for it. Before you know it, you don't look at him the same way anymore. You get mad at him for doing, essentially, nothing. You struggle with it, because you KNOW he's not doing anything actually worthy of being upset about, but you're still mad.

Trust me, I lived this, from the other side. My ex wife would have these moments of clarity where she genuinely felt bad and expressed how she felt. That she had no idea why she treated me this way and she hated it. In all honesty, and in retrospect, it was borderline abusive of her. She KNEW I didn't deserve to be snapped at or belittled for things, yet she'd still do it. Then wake up, apologize and feel bad. Eventually she did leave, and tearfully told me that I never deserved to be treated the way she treated me. So at least she was conscious of it, I guess.

But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Resentment is a nearly impossible thing to detach from ones self. Logic rarely plays any part in it - the person recognizes that the reasons they give are often manufactured or amplified or exaggerated, yet they're still there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by casa82 View Post
My husband is the sex bunny, he wants to have sex all the time. I'm usually tired and stressed so our sex life has come down to about once or twice per month. We have different sex schedules. He wants to have sex in the morning and I want to have sex at night; thus, once or twice a month we make it work. Sometimes we go even further in between having sex. Sometimes is once every three months.
We've been married for 7 years. At the beginning we used to have sex at least once a week but not anymore. At the beginning, I looked forward to receiving oral sex, and I really enjoyed it, even to this day, I still enjoy it. But now every time my husband's face comes close to my vagina, I just cringe. I get soooo mad. If I'm in the mood, it just goes out the window. I start getting so upset, and all I want to do is push him to the side and kick him (literally). In the end, we don't have sex at all, and we both end up frustrated.
So, I have to be drunk for him to give me oral sex, and I enjoy it. But if I'm sober, I get mad at him. I resent him.

In previous relationships I always enjoyed receiving oral sex, even with my husband, I did enjoy oral sex for the first year or so in our relationship, but now, I get mad. And I've told him, I don't trust him with my vagina. He's never bitten or hurt me when he's down there. But somehow, I just don't trust him.

I don't know what to do. As is we don't have sex as much and the few times that we could have, sometimes it gets spoiled by him going down and me getting soooo upset.

Should I force me and fake it for the sake of the relationship? Or just be ok with having sex every few months in between?

It's sexually frustrating, the good news is we both relieve through masturbation.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #20 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 12:45 PM
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Re: I get upset when my husband wants to give me oral sex

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
I think that the reason the oral sex thing bothers you is that it's when you are the most vulnerable.

You seem to really resent your husband. So when you are the most vulnerable, with your guard down, the resentment takes over.
Really? I see the roles reversed. I think the person GIVING as being submissive, not the other way around. If I'm going down on a woman, I'm there to please HER. Grab my head, thrust into my face, etc.
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post #21 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 02:32 PM
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Re: I get upset when my husband wants to give me oral sex

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Really? I see the roles reversed. I think the person GIVING as being submissive, not the other way around. If I'm going down on a woman, I'm there to please HER. Grab my head, thrust into my face, etc.
Yes, and perhaps she resents her husband being submissive.

On the flip side, the receiver is often the one who is not in control. Not to mention that a highly sensitive part of their anatomy is in the other's persons mouth/hands/whatever.

Which has always confused me somewhat, as the giver is often deemed 'submissive', despite being in control. Go figure that one out.

Men, for ages, have thought of themselves as great catches, simply for the fact that they will give oral sex to their female partner, and OMG! maybe even enjoy it! Some seem to think it makes them special. The irony is that it's actually a fairly dominant role to play, being the giver (provided it's their choice). Some women have figured this **** out. Many men, unfortunately, think that their willingness to provide oral sex to women is worthy of their dating site profile, or otherwise bragging about.

Basically, giving and receiving can very much be both dominant and submissive. It's all in how it goes down (no pun intended).

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #22 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:30 PM
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Re: I get upset when my husband wants to give me oral sex

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Originally Posted by DonaldDuck666 View Post
Really? I see the roles reversed. I think the person GIVING as being submissive, not the other way around. If I'm going down on a woman, I'm there to please HER. Grab my head, thrust into my face, etc.
Yes, really. For a woman to spread her legs and let a man that close, she is making herself vulnerable. There is a large emotional part to being able to let a guy that close.
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post #23 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 04:38 PM
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Re: I get upset when my husband wants to give me oral sex

Can I go back to the original post?

Let me get this straight...when you two first got married you were only having sex once a week?

Seriously?

That is not normal. When I got married, my ex and I were having sex two to three times a day for the first year or so. We rutted like lemmings...couldn't keep our hands off each other....sex everywhere, any time.

Your marriage has never been normal, and it just keeps on getting more abnormal, and I think you know it and I think that is part of your resentment towards your husband. He won't end it, and you are too much of a coward to end it.
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