Don't want it. Ever. - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 08:35 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Im not sure if this will help u out or not but I've been thru the exact same thing-a few different times. I have been w/my husband for a little over 8yrs. Married for 4of those yrs. I've been in several long term rships prior as well & I will be the first to admit that my sexual desire comes & goes pretty often. I would make myself crazy. The #1 thing I feared most is my husband cheating on me bcs I wasn't satisfying him at home. Which started to make me insecure then..., depressed & then an emotional wreck. I remember dreading nighttime bcs I didn't want to get in bed w/my husband touching me & trying to initiate sex. I alwats knew the outcome if ge wouod try (again) we would argue about me not wanting to hav sex or we would hav the same difficult & embarassing discussion.
I can tell u wat worked for me...taking a little time apart. Allow the two of u to miss each other. Just a couple dayst. I stayed at my parents for a couple nites and that helped. Counseling also helped me to become more confident & secure about myself & one thing that helped out a lot was my husband stepping back a little and allowing me to focus more on myself 1st . After all how can I please sum1 else if I'm unhappy with myself.
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post #32 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 09:27 PM
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It would seem that there are no kids involved so I would say time to move on. Such a complete lack of desire is not something likely to ever change on a regular longterm basis. Can put on a charade and pretend to be interested but in the end, true colors come shining through
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post #33 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 09:28 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Quote:
Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
enjoy just pleasing your partner without him putting so much pressure on you to insist that you try to enjoy yourself. But in that same context I'm also asking if that type of enjoyment is what gets you aroused?
I think you're on to something here. There is nothing worse than having to manufacture a response because you know your response means so awfully much to your partner! That is a lady boner killer if ever there was one. I mean sometimes you know your man wants something and even though you don't want it, you want him to have it...but nooooo, you have to act all hot and botheredso that he thinks you want it every bit as much as he does when all you really want is to give him what he wants!



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Obviously if your partner is insisting you orgasm and if everyone is asking you if you orgasm, it will probably annoy you to no end, thus the reason you may not be able to enjoy sex.
True, but she needs to be more specific about what it means, exactly, when she says she "is capable of enjoying it."

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

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post #34 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 09:40 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by Jacquaenos View Post
32 year old female, married 4 years. I just don't like sex much. I don't want it, and my husband thinks it's a sign I don't love him. I've explained that I don't want to, when I try to fake interest he can tell. I think he just wants me to want it, and I can't. I try to get in the mood, but it goes away before we get anywhere. It's making him very bitter and he makes snide comments about how he shouldn't even try because I never want it. I'm not doing this on purpose, I'm willing to have sex just to let him enjoy it, but he doesn't want that. What on earth can I do?

Go to the doctor, have a physical and find out if you have any issues, hormonal, etc.

Tell the doctor you don't have a sex drive.

Scary thing is, you're only 32 and in your prime. You should be wanting sex all the time, instead of nothing.

Most men are physical, visual and sexual.That means we need that physical and sexual connection with our ladies and the more the better.

By your hubby noticing you aren't into sex at all, is going to have real consequences for your marriage, with possible divorce in the end.

You need to see a doctor, find out if anything is wrong, perhaps get some meds and get your sex drive back.

The worse thing you can do, is allowing your hubby to notice you couldn't care less for sex and its only to please him.

Have you considered buying sex toys for yourself, to give you great orgasms and go from there, to get your sex drive going?

If you decide to do nothing about this, it could very well lead to being single.

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post #35 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 09:50 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by Jacquaenos View Post
32 year old female, married 4 years. I just don't like sex much. I don't want it, and my husband thinks it's a sign I don't love him. I've explained that I don't want to, when I try to fake interest he can tell. I think he just wants me to want it, and I can't. I try to get in the mood, but it goes away before we get anywhere. It's making him very bitter and he makes snide comments about how he shouldn't even try because I never want it. I'm not doing this on purpose, I'm willing to have sex just to let him enjoy it, but he doesn't want that. What on earth can I do?
He sounds very immature, insecure, and self-centered, OP. It is his job to inspire your passion. He is certainly not entitled to it. It is already generous on your part to offer yourself to him despite his inability to inspire you.

Are you prepared for the marriage to end? Because it seems he needs your validation of him just for him to treat you decently. As you are not genuinely inspired by him to give it, the marriage is likely to end.

I do not see that as a bad outcome for you at all, btw. Quite the opposite.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #36 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:13 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Does he try to get you in the mood? Or does he just expect you to be in the mood?
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post #37 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:44 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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He sounds very immature, insecure, and self-centered, OP. It is his job to inspire your passion. He is certainly not entitled to it. It is already generous on your part to offer yourself to him despite his inability to inspire you.



Are you prepared for the marriage to end? Because it seems he needs your validation of him just for him to treat you decently. As you are not genuinely inspired by him to give it, the marriage is likely to end.



I do not see that as a bad outcome for you at all, btw. Quite the opposite.


I agree. You're not inspired by him. So just let him go. Find someone who inspires you and free him to find the same.
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post #38 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:46 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
Does he try to get you in the mood? Or does he just expect you to be in the mood?


Why on earth would he try anymore? Banging your head against the wall is fun at first, but the novelty wears off quickly.
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post #39 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:52 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
He sounds very immature, insecure, and self-centered, OP. It is his job to inspire your passion. He is certainly not entitled to it. It is already generous on your part to offer yourself to him despite his inability to inspire you.

Are you prepared for the marriage to end? Because it seems he needs your validation of him just for him to treat you decently. As you are not genuinely inspired by him to give it, the marriage is likely to end.

I do not see that as a bad outcome for you at all, btw. Quite the opposite.
Face plant
Lol
Headshake.....
Lol

His job to inspire her passion.

I've got to remember that one.
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post #40 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:04 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Don't want it. Ever...

Has he not inspired you?
Does he not try to get you in the mood?
Does he expect you to be in the mood?

OP, is this really what women say to one another about these types of things?

A woman at 32 with a normal sex drive will be "inspiring" their man if he doesn't invite sex with her at least a couple of times a week.
You have a messed up engine. Not your fault, but your husband is obviously building resentment.
Your husband has normal needs for intimacy. For sex. You are willing to try to meet those needs. You can't help it if you're not passionate about it since you don't want it in the first place.
No blame from me on you.

Just know this---- you're not going to have a good relationship with a man that has a typical sex drive if you never have sex with him and make him feel loved.
Resentment will continue to build, until divorce occurs when he gives up hope.

My suggestion:
Doctor to see if your drive can be fixed, a sex therapist if something else can be fixed.
I've been harassed for sex before and it's no freaking fun. Messes one's head up.
So I do sympathize with you. It sounds like you go wish you wanted it more.

I think if this can't be fixed, you should discuss divorce before it happens due to more hurtful things.

JMO
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post #41 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:39 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

OP
Many people cannot have a happy romantic relationship without an active happy sex life. If your husband is one of these, then the relationship will never be good unless there is a way to fix this. Its not "intentional", just how some people are wired.

There are also some people who seem to naturally have a very low interest in sex. If you have never had any particular interest in sex, you might be one of those. If so, I would suggest that you either decide that while you don't personally enjoy sex, pleasing him is important enough to you that you are happy to do so for the rest of your life. OR decide that marrying him was a bad idea because of your mismatched sex drives and divorce.

Its also possible that you not naturally low drive, but just happen to be at the moment under these conditions. In that case:

Are you are any medication, especially birth control pills or anti depressants / anti-anxiety medication? These can really mess with your sex drive.

If not, does your husband try to please you in bed and is he willing to do the things that you ask?

Do you sometimes greatly enjoy sex, just not often, or is it at best sort of meh?


The one thing you should not do is hope that he will lose interest in sex, but still love you. For many people that is impossible.
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post #42 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:56 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

If you don't like sex with him, then you are sending him the wrong message, that will destroy his soul. Sex is an important emotional bonding process esp for the male of the species.
Is it sex in general or just sex with him?

I would suggest you go see the doctor, it could be hormonal issues or it could just be your H and your relationship
Either way sort it out otherwise it is the death knell for your marriage.
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post #43 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 01:58 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jacquaenos View Post
I had a low sex drive before getting married, but not nonexistent. It's not him, just sex in general seems too much work for a small chance of enjoyment. It doesn't hurt, but so rarely feels good enough to keep trying. Same issue with previous relationships, but they never turned into marriage.
Could you please expand on the underlined part?

Why is there only a small chance of enjoyment?

Have you ever had an orgasm?

When you do have sex with your husband, do the two of you engage in foreplay? What about oral sex--both of you?

Is there an expectation that you get all your sexual enjoyment from intercourse only?

Before anyone can help you with this, we really need to know why you don't get much enjoyment out of sex.

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post #44 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:41 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

This isn't an issue of enjoyment or O or anything of the sort.

It's more a "what have you done for me lately" and/or "what's in it for me" kind of thing. I'm sure she prefers Netflix to intimacy. Nothing wrong there, a different mindset.

Unless she's being intimate with a cactus plant type of partner of course.

Any possible impact from family of origin, culture, religion, etc?
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post #45 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 06:11 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

If you love your husband, go see doctors and try to locate the issues with your sex drive. Not wanting sex with him is also pushing him away and making things unfun for the both of you.

If you don't desire to resolve this issue, set both of you free. I doubt you want an open your marriage to allow him to have sex with other women - because that isn't fair to anyone... eventually, he would leave you.

Some people are simply LD and even no-sex drive at all. If you go your separate ways - but still want to be in a relationship with someone - try to find someone else who has little to no sexual desire.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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