I had a low sex drive before getting married, but not nonexistent. It's not him, just sex in general seems too much work for a small chance of enjoyment. It doesn't hurt, but so rarely feels good enough to keep trying. Same issue with previous relationships, but they never turned into marriage.
First and foremost, you are most likely extremely LD (low desire), or ND (no desire) - and that is okay. It really is. You're not broken or abnormal, nor do you require fixing.
However, as is the problem in these situations, your partner is not LD. What almost always happens in these types of mismatches is that the LD/ND person does not meet their partner halfway, so to speak. Worse, they tend to expect their partner adapt to them.
Furthermore, and this isn't meant to make you feel bad, but it likely will - an LD/ND person who knows full well that they are low/no desire, discounts this almost entirely when choosing a mate, which is obviously not fair to the other person. It should factor in immensely in the early days.
Although there is technically nothing 'wrong' with you, you are more or less in the minority. The reality is that the majority of people out there have normal, healthy desires (or quite often, higher). And for those who do, sex is very important in a healthy relationship.
My wife is extremely LD/responsive desire, and while she does enjoy sex, it's not a priority in the slightest. If she never had sex again, she'd survive. She's not like you, however, and doesn't avoid sex or dislike it. She simply doesn't place it anywhere on her hierarchical relationship needs. If I happened to feel the same way about sex, we'd likely never have it, and she would be just as happy.
If we were ever to split up, I would give her this piece of advice: find a guy with a similar sex drive to you, or who at least does not put as much importance into sex as I do in a relationship.
The reality is that mismatched sex drives are no good for either party. Your husband is frustrated and angry and feeling unloved and unwanted. You're frustrated and angry, and likely feel that he only wants you for one thing.
At the end of the day, the only way this can be overcome is for you to recognize that sex is important to this relationship, and do your best to engage your husband to the best of your abilities. You, much like my wife, I think, have your own pre-determined ideas of what sex is for you, and like most LD/ND people, are unwilling to budge on the matter. Not un-able
- unwilling. You don't seem to have an outright aversion to sex, but rather a fairly simple disinterest in it all. My wife could very easily have sex with me every single day, orgasm each and every time and generally enjoy it, and there'd be zero negative consequences to her life. It's rarely a question of 'can't', but instead it's a question of 'won't' - like so many other things in life.
I've always said that sex is so needlessly complicated, especially in marriage. It's two people who love each other engaging in the most intimate act one can engage in. It can also be hot and dirty if you want it to be. Or soft, caring and loving. Or both. Why two people who love each other enough to want to spend the rest of their lives together wouldn't want to be so intimate on a regular basis is beyond me.
I used this analogy quite some time ago - I have little to no interest in bowling. However, if I do go bowling, I generally have a good time. I don't think I've ever suggested to anyone that we go bowling, nor do I ever want to go back, despite me enjoying it when I do. Therefore, I clearly have no aversion to it, yet I generally have no interest in it. I'd survive just fine if I never went bowling again.
So say my wife loves to bowl. She wants me to go at least once a week, preferably more. I knew full well when I met her that this is one of her interests, and whether I understand it or not, it's important to her.
I wouldn't expect her to come down to my level, nor should she expect me to come up to hers. What should happen, obviously, is that we meet in the middle somewhere. She shouldn't berate me for not seeing the inherent awesomeness in bowling, nor should I berate her for putting such importance into something that I place little value in. We love each other. Therefore, I happily
go bowling with her once, maybe twice a week. And I have a good time, and make sure SHE has a good time, too (basically by not being a sourpuss, and maybe putting in some actual effort). She doesn't insist I go 4 times a week, because she knows I don't place the same value on it as she does. Everybody wins, everybody's happy. Yay.
Unfortunately, in this admittedly lame analogy, the LD/ND person does not/will not/can not go bowling even once a week. Maybe a couple of times a month. When they do, they clearly do not want to be there.
So how does each scenario impact the person who loves to bowl? In both cases, they KNOW their partner is not as into it as they are, that's pretty much unavoidable. But in one, they have a partner who is willing to engage, and in the other, one who is resistant.
One builds the relationship, one builds resentment.