Don't want it. Ever. - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 06:19 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

I know this is probably not what some guys want to hear but there's always the possibility that her husband just isn't that good in bed and thus gives her little to look forward to.

I know that my sex drive is radically different with my current husband then it was with my first husband.....in fact my first husband could've written a lot of the same things about me.

But the fact was he stunk in bed and was extremely selfish.....and a guy who throws a tantrum and demands she want it is the kind of guy who might be very selfish and immature.

As Anon Pink said, it really is a lady boner killer (good one AP!).

Maybe he's watching a lot of porn where women appear to go crazy over almost no effort from the guy, or maybe he's just selfish.

I'm not hugely HD now but I like a couple of times a week and finish almost all of the time because my husband is not only a really good lover but he treats me well outside the bedroom.

These are possibilities that should be explored and ruled out, because if that's not it then they're just incompatible and should probably both look for more compatible partners.

Last edited by lifeistooshort; 03-07-2017 at 06:39 AM.
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post #47 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 06:57 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

@lifeistooshort, I might be inclined to agree with you, were it not for the fact that the OP stayed this has been an issue in ALL of her relationships. She doesn't see the point, to MAYBE get some pleasure. That, to me, doesn't sound like he is *the* problem. I do believe they are mismatched, and have been from the beginning. But I also think she may be borderline asexual. There is nothing wrong with that, of course, except in the context of a marriage where at least one party is expecting a sexual relationship. I don't think she should fake enthusiasm when there is none. But I do think she should get to the bottom of why she feels the way she does about sex.

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post #48 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 07:06 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

I hate that our lives and happiness are so dependent on chemicals floating around our heads. Too much of this and we want this, too little of this and we don't want this..

Wish there were a magic love potion to correct all these screwed up sex drives and feelings that people have plaguing their happiness.

I hope OP gets some help and works out her sexual relationship.
Get the right mix of chemicals in your brain, and get a darn vibrator to figure out what makes you o in bed so you can tell your husband what you need. I really think it's about that simple.

I've noticed that women premenopausal are freaking starving for sex. Can't get enoug.
Just think if you had a few of those chemicals and a fresh set of skills at lovemaking. You might turn into a sex lover rather than a sex hater.
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post #49 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 07:23 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Face plant
Lol
Headshake.....
Lol

His job to inspire her passion.

I've got to remember that one.
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Originally Posted by jld View Post
He sounds very immature, insecure, and self-centered, OP. It is his job to inspire your passion. He is certainly not entitled to it. It is already generous on your part to offer yourself to him despite his inability to inspire you.

Are you prepared for the marriage to end? Because it seems he needs your validation of him just for him to treat you decently. As you are not genuinely inspired by him to give it, the marriage is likely to end.

I do not see that as a bad outcome for you at all, btw. Quite the opposite.
Honestly, I had to read jld's post twice to see if I had read it right. Heaven forbid that we admit the fault might be with the woman in this situation, or any!
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post #50 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 07:28 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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I had a low sex drive before getting married, but not nonexistent. It's not him, just sex in general seems too much work for a small chance of enjoyment. It doesn't hurt, but so rarely feels good enough to keep trying. Same issue with previous relationships, but they never turned into marriage.
First and foremost, you are most likely extremely LD (low desire), or ND (no desire) - and that is okay. It really is. You're not broken or abnormal, nor do you require fixing.

However, as is the problem in these situations, your partner is not LD. What almost always happens in these types of mismatches is that the LD/ND person does not meet their partner halfway, so to speak. Worse, they tend to expect their partner adapt to them.

Furthermore, and this isn't meant to make you feel bad, but it likely will - an LD/ND person who knows full well that they are low/no desire, discounts this almost entirely when choosing a mate, which is obviously not fair to the other person. It should factor in immensely in the early days.

Although there is technically nothing 'wrong' with you, you are more or less in the minority. The reality is that the majority of people out there have normal, healthy desires (or quite often, higher). And for those who do, sex is very important in a healthy relationship.

My wife is extremely LD/responsive desire, and while she does enjoy sex, it's not a priority in the slightest. If she never had sex again, she'd survive. She's not like you, however, and doesn't avoid sex or dislike it. She simply doesn't place it anywhere on her hierarchical relationship needs. If I happened to feel the same way about sex, we'd likely never have it, and she would be just as happy.

If we were ever to split up, I would give her this piece of advice: find a guy with a similar sex drive to you, or who at least does not put as much importance into sex as I do in a relationship.

The reality is that mismatched sex drives are no good for either party. Your husband is frustrated and angry and feeling unloved and unwanted. You're frustrated and angry, and likely feel that he only wants you for one thing.

At the end of the day, the only way this can be overcome is for you to recognize that sex is important to this relationship, and do your best to engage your husband to the best of your abilities. You, much like my wife, I think, have your own pre-determined ideas of what sex is for you, and like most LD/ND people, are unwilling to budge on the matter. Not un-able - unwilling. You don't seem to have an outright aversion to sex, but rather a fairly simple disinterest in it all. My wife could very easily have sex with me every single day, orgasm each and every time and generally enjoy it, and there'd be zero negative consequences to her life. It's rarely a question of 'can't', but instead it's a question of 'won't' - like so many other things in life.

I've always said that sex is so needlessly complicated, especially in marriage. It's two people who love each other engaging in the most intimate act one can engage in. It can also be hot and dirty if you want it to be. Or soft, caring and loving. Or both. Why two people who love each other enough to want to spend the rest of their lives together wouldn't want to be so intimate on a regular basis is beyond me.

I used this analogy quite some time ago - I have little to no interest in bowling. However, if I do go bowling, I generally have a good time. I don't think I've ever suggested to anyone that we go bowling, nor do I ever want to go back, despite me enjoying it when I do. Therefore, I clearly have no aversion to it, yet I generally have no interest in it. I'd survive just fine if I never went bowling again.

So say my wife loves to bowl. She wants me to go at least once a week, preferably more. I knew full well when I met her that this is one of her interests, and whether I understand it or not, it's important to her.

I wouldn't expect her to come down to my level, nor should she expect me to come up to hers. What should happen, obviously, is that we meet in the middle somewhere. She shouldn't berate me for not seeing the inherent awesomeness in bowling, nor should I berate her for putting such importance into something that I place little value in. We love each other. Therefore, I happily go bowling with her once, maybe twice a week. And I have a good time, and make sure SHE has a good time, too (basically by not being a sourpuss, and maybe putting in some actual effort). She doesn't insist I go 4 times a week, because she knows I don't place the same value on it as she does. Everybody wins, everybody's happy. Yay.

Unfortunately, in this admittedly lame analogy, the LD/ND person does not/will not/can not go bowling even once a week. Maybe a couple of times a month. When they do, they clearly do not want to be there.

So how does each scenario impact the person who loves to bowl? In both cases, they KNOW their partner is not as into it as they are, that's pretty much unavoidable. But in one, they have a partner who is willing to engage, and in the other, one who is resistant.

One builds the relationship, one builds resentment.

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Last edited by alexm; 03-07-2017 at 07:41 AM.
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post #51 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 07:31 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

First rule out all medical possibilities. If its a hormonal/medical issue then no other steps will fix it. This must come first.

After that I'd say that (a) your hubby doesn't know how to push the right buttons in AND out of the bedroom to turn you on and (b) you don't seem to care enough to explore ways of finding what DOES works so that it is not only enjoyable but 'rock your world' awesome. Read/study, experiment with yourself, openly communicate and encourage hubby to 'up' his game.

You both need to own this. If not, the chance at a lifelong monogamous marriage is slim. It took almost 20 years to REALLY figure out what gives my wife multiple, gushing, toe-curling orgasms. And 90% of it was ME investing the time and effort, mostly OUTSIDE the bedroom. Making myself a better, fully functional adult, with confidence and high value, learning how to read her cues and body language, etc. The last 10% (the fun part!) in the bedroom just took communication, again paying attention to her non-verbal cues, always mixing things up, and most importantly keeping it fun/playful.
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post #52 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 07:47 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maricha75 View Post
@lifeistooshort, I might be inclined to agree with you, were it not for the fact that the OP stayed this has been an issue in ALL of her relationships. She doesn't see the point, to MAYBE get some pleasure. That, to me, doesn't sound like he is *the* problem. I do believe they are mismatched, and have been from the beginning. But I also think she may be borderline asexual. There is nothing wrong with that, of course, except in the context of a marriage where at least one party is expecting a sexual relationship. I don't think she should fake enthusiasm when there is none. But I do think she should get to the bottom of why she feels the way she does about sex.

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I agree, the OP has had this problem in all her relationships, so I don't think pointing the finger solely at her H (with the ole he isn't inspiring her BS) is in any way productive in getting to the bottom of what is going on. At the end of the day the OP may just find that this is the way she is, nothing wrong with that.

As well, I agree that the OP shouldn't just fake enthusiasm. Unfortunately, I think what happens is that there is this perception that dudes should just be happy if there SO is willing to put out just for their sake (just look at another silly response here about how he should just be happy with her generosity...) . Honestly, if my W told me that, as the OP put it, " I'm willing to have sex just to let him enjoy it", that is a complete turnoff.

OP, go see a doctor to see if there is something medically wrong. See a sex therapist to determine if maybe there is something blocking you mentally. Communicate with your H to see if this is something you can work on together. If at the end of the day you just determine that this is who you are, no fault in that, but maybe that means it would be time to end the marriage and move on. He is already bitter/resentful, and it is only going to get worse.
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post #53 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 08:20 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by Maricha75 View Post
@lifeistooshort, I might be inclined to agree with you, were it not for the fact that the OP stayed this has been an issue in ALL of her relationships. She doesn't see the point, to MAYBE get some pleasure. That, to me, doesn't sound like he is *the* problem. I do believe they are mismatched, and have been from the beginning. But I also think she may be borderline asexual. There is nothing wrong with that, of course, except in the context of a marriage where at least one party is expecting a sexual relationship. I don't think she should fake enthusiasm when there is none. But I do think she should get to the bottom of why she feels the way she does about sex.

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That's a fair point, and it does beg the question as to whether she's honest about it.

Because if she is and he married her anyway that's on him.

Based on her posts and the fact that she says her hb can tell she's faking enjoyment it suggests he knew she was like this. Maybe he thought he could live with it and now realizes he can't.

However, tantrum throwing isn't going to help. Especially when she's willing to have sex.

It's a no win for many low and no drives because if they provide a loving sexual act it's not enough because they must want it. They're expected to change to want it but the spouse is never expected to change but to not want it.

These two just aren't compatible and would be best off going their separate ways.

Last edited by lifeistooshort; 03-07-2017 at 09:08 AM.
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post #54 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 08:51 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Do you have any history of childhood traumas? Sex abuse, rape, abusive parents, alcoholic or other substance abuse in the family, etc?
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post #55 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:17 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

I have a sneaking suspicion we're getting played here.
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post #56 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:35 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

I think we need more input from the OP to continue. She may well have a real life and not spend every waking moment on TAM so we need to be patient.
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post #57 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:51 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Could you please expand on the underlined part?

Why is there only a small chance of enjoyment?

Have you ever had an orgasm?

When you do have sex with your husband, do the two of you engage in foreplay? What about oral sex--both of you?

Is there an expectation that you get all your sexual enjoyment from intercourse only?

Before anyone can help you with this, we really need to know why you don't get much enjoyment out of sex.
i would add the following questions:

do you take medicines or over the counter drugs routinely, and have you researched any possible sexual side effects?

do you have any hormonal issues, such as thyroid issues, etc? Your low libido MIGHT be purely chemically based, and could maybe be 100% fixed with some bio-identical seed hormone replacement therapy.

You have seen the side effects of your not wanting sex....your husband assumes you no longer love him, and is wondering who you ARE having sex with if not him. this is serious. If you enjoy your marriage, and want it to continue, you have to fix your libido. Yes, it may involve your husband also changing his ways, so some professional counseling should be considered to figure out the real reason this is happening.

How about sitting down with hubby and saying "I want to support your sexual needs more, and know i am not succeeding well so far. Can we try to work together on this, because i so much love you and want our marriage to succeed?" See what he has to recommend.
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post #58 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:26 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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I think you're on to something here. There is nothing worse than having to manufacture a response because you know your response means so awfully much to your partner! That is a lady boner killer if ever there was one. I mean sometimes you know your man wants something and even though you don't want it, you want him to have it...but nooooo, you have to act all hot and botheredso that he thinks you want it every bit as much as he does when all you really want is to give him what he wants!
Husbands who require their wife to desire sex as much as they do are setting themselves up for failure.

People have control over what they DO but much less over what they WANT.

I give people less credit for doing something they would want to do anyway than for doing something for you because they love you.

Of course, it would have to be done willingly and with love. If your wife wants you to clean the kitchen (but you're not excited about the prospect), you don't get credit for doing a bad job of it while complaining all the time.
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post #59 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:38 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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I have a sneaking suspicion we're getting played here.
You're not supposed to say that. Regardless of how obvious it is.
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post #60 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:40 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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You're not supposed to say that. Regardless of how obvious it is.
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