First and foremost, you are most likely extremely LD (low desire), or ND (no desire) - and that is okay. It really is. You're not broken or abnormal, nor do you require fixing.
However, as is the problem in these situations, your partner is not LD. What almost always happens in these types of mismatches is that the LD/ND person does not meet their partner halfway, so to speak. Worse, they tend to expect their partner adapt to them.
Furthermore, and this isn't meant to make you feel bad, but it likely will - an LD/ND person who knows full well that they are low/no desire, discounts this almost entirely when choosing a mate, which is obviously not fair to the other person. It should factor in immensely in the early days.
...........The reality is that mismatched sex drives are no good for either party. Your husband is frustrated and angry and feeling unloved and unwanted. You're frustrated and angry, and likely feel that he only wants you for one thing.
At the end of the day, the only way this can be overcome is for you to recognize that sex is important to this relationship, and do your best to engage your husband to the best of your abilities.....
.....I used this analogy quite some time ago - I have little to no interest in bowling. However, if I do go bowling, I generally have a good time. I don't think I've ever suggested to anyone that we go bowling, nor do I ever want to go back, despite me enjoying it when I do. Therefore, I clearly have no aversion to it, yet I generally have no interest in it. I'd survive just fine if I never went bowling again.
So say my wife loves to bowl. She wants me to go at least once a week, preferably more. I knew full well when I met her that this is one of her interests, and whether I understand it or not, it's important to her.
I wouldn't expect her to come down to my level, nor should she expect me to come up to hers. What should happen, obviously, is that we meet in the middle somewhere. She shouldn't berate me for not seeing the inherent awesomeness in bowling, nor should I berate her for putting such importance into something that I place little value in. We love each other. Therefore, I happily go bowling with her once, maybe twice a week. And I have a good time, and make sure SHE has a good time, too (basically by not being a sourpuss, and maybe putting in some actual effort). She doesn't insist I go 4 times a week, because she knows I don't place the same value on it as she does. Everybody wins, everybody's happy. Yay.
Unfortunately, in this admittedly lame analogy, the LD/ND person does not/will not/can not go bowling even once a week. Maybe a couple of times a month. When they do, they clearly do not want to be there.
So how does each scenario impact the person who loves to bowl? In both cases, they KNOW their partner is not as into it as they are, that's pretty much unavoidable. But in one, they have a partner who is willing to engage, and in the other, one who is resistant.
One builds the relationship, one builds resentment.
Very well said! As a fan of David Schnarch, I couldn't agree more.
I would like to offer a little Schnarch-observation to round this topic out, even though it is for the OP and not you.
Schnarch (Passionate Marriage, the Crucible, etc.) says in his books that marriage, if done right, is very difficult. The reason it is difficult is that in just about every aspect of marriage one partner is HD and the other id LD. As you say in Bowling, in sex, in TV watching, in getting up early in the morning, in EVERYTHING.
What Schnarch says is critical to development within a marriage is (1) self-differentiation and growth, (2) self-soothing, (3) constant renegotiation of compromise as each partner grows and develops at their own pace. Yes, the compromise is over the HD/LD aspects of the marriage that are constantly changing over the course of the marriage.
Schnarch likes to imply that two people are growing at their own independent rate and yet by doing so are finding that they are constantly either pulling or pushing their partner to grow with them. That creates HD/LD problems in how much to eat (I want to diet this month and you don't), how much or what kind of sex to have (I am sick this month and a runny nose and coughing really don't put me in the mood for sex, versus you are under stress and would like the stress release from a good orgasm).
Self-soothing is all about taking something that scares you, you feel uncomfortable with, or that you don't want to do and figuring out a way that you can accomplish it. One of his examples is French kissing. At first when you were a very young child the thought of sharing germs and saliva with someone else is probably pretty repugnant. However, kissing between a boyfriend and girlfriend is suppose to be different than kissing a sibling or parent. Probably the first time you tried passionate kissing you just touched lips. Then the next time maybe one of you pressed their tongue on and explored the lips of the other. At that moment the one being tongue-probed, had to self-sooth and open their lips/mouth a little and allow things to happen. Then it probably didn't seem so bad. The next few times both became a little more enthusiastic, until finally both of them owned the sensation, liked it and it was now part of who their were (or had become through self-differentiation) and they owned this.
Part of the self-soothing could be reading up on something (bowling, giving BJ's, etc.) to understand it better. Then the next part could be breaking it down into components and mastering each component separately. If for your wife it is performing a BJ, it could be figuring out how to make the penis "clean" or covered with a flavored condom so that mental block is gone, It could be mastering one's gag reflex. It could be mentally visualizing performing the act with a smile on her face, it could be mentally congratulating herself on the act being well performed. To bring it back to your bowling analogy, it could be practicing the swing and approach. It could be practicing the follow-through. It could be looking a books that show the correct place to aim the ball for various split pin combinations and visualizing your doing it. The point is that if it is going bowling, you are actively participating and wanting to do it to the best of your ability, not just going through the motions and clocking in as "present."
All married partners grow at different rates. But growing and self-differentiating or figuring out your true self and making sure you are taking the time to do introspection and make you, "the best you, you can be" takes work.
Negotiating compromise also takes a lot of effort, especially if you respect your partner and their boundaries. A marriage retreat weekend with the Gottmans provided training in "negotiating grid-lock issues." One of the things that the Gottmans said was that you should not try to negotiate trying to change your partners mind on something until you can explain their position and why they hold that position as well or better than they can. What they were trying to say is that before you can negotiate you really have to spend a lot of time asking questions and really listening to what your partner says.
Once you understand why they object to something, then you might be able to figure out something on the edge that they might we willing to do that doesn't cross their boundary, especially if they are actively self soothing or you can help them with their self soothing.