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post #61 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:47 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
I hate that our lives and happiness are so dependent on chemicals floating around our heads. Too much of this and we want this, too little of this and we don't want this..
If you make your life about doing whatever the chemicals floating around in your head tell you to do (i.e. emotions), the end result is likely that you will not be happy.

Then there's the possibility of not letting the chemicals rule your life (but that's crazy talk).
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post #62 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:42 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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First and foremost, you are most likely extremely LD (low desire), or ND (no desire) - and that is okay. It really is. You're not broken or abnormal, nor do you require fixing.

However, as is the problem in these situations, your partner is not LD. What almost always happens in these types of mismatches is that the LD/ND person does not meet their partner halfway, so to speak. Worse, they tend to expect their partner adapt to them.

Furthermore, and this isn't meant to make you feel bad, but it likely will - an LD/ND person who knows full well that they are low/no desire, discounts this almost entirely when choosing a mate, which is obviously not fair to the other person. It should factor in immensely in the early days.

...........The reality is that mismatched sex drives are no good for either party. Your husband is frustrated and angry and feeling unloved and unwanted. You're frustrated and angry, and likely feel that he only wants you for one thing.

At the end of the day, the only way this can be overcome is for you to recognize that sex is important to this relationship, and do your best to engage your husband to the best of your abilities.....

.....I used this analogy quite some time ago - I have little to no interest in bowling. However, if I do go bowling, I generally have a good time. I don't think I've ever suggested to anyone that we go bowling, nor do I ever want to go back, despite me enjoying it when I do. Therefore, I clearly have no aversion to it, yet I generally have no interest in it. I'd survive just fine if I never went bowling again.

So say my wife loves to bowl. She wants me to go at least once a week, preferably more. I knew full well when I met her that this is one of her interests, and whether I understand it or not, it's important to her.

I wouldn't expect her to come down to my level, nor should she expect me to come up to hers. What should happen, obviously, is that we meet in the middle somewhere. She shouldn't berate me for not seeing the inherent awesomeness in bowling, nor should I berate her for putting such importance into something that I place little value in. We love each other. Therefore, I happily go bowling with her once, maybe twice a week. And I have a good time, and make sure SHE has a good time, too (basically by not being a sourpuss, and maybe putting in some actual effort). She doesn't insist I go 4 times a week, because she knows I don't place the same value on it as she does. Everybody wins, everybody's happy. Yay.

Unfortunately, in this admittedly lame analogy, the LD/ND person does not/will not/can not go bowling even once a week. Maybe a couple of times a month. When they do, they clearly do not want to be there.

So how does each scenario impact the person who loves to bowl? In both cases, they KNOW their partner is not as into it as they are, that's pretty much unavoidable. But in one, they have a partner who is willing to engage, and in the other, one who is resistant.

One builds the relationship, one builds resentment.

Very well said! As a fan of David Schnarch, I couldn't agree more.

I would like to offer a little Schnarch-observation to round this topic out, even though it is for the OP and not you.

Schnarch (Passionate Marriage, the Crucible, etc.) says in his books that marriage, if done right, is very difficult. The reason it is difficult is that in just about every aspect of marriage one partner is HD and the other id LD. As you say in Bowling, in sex, in TV watching, in getting up early in the morning, in EVERYTHING.

What Schnarch says is critical to development within a marriage is (1) self-differentiation and growth, (2) self-soothing, (3) constant renegotiation of compromise as each partner grows and develops at their own pace. Yes, the compromise is over the HD/LD aspects of the marriage that are constantly changing over the course of the marriage.

Schnarch likes to imply that two people are growing at their own independent rate and yet by doing so are finding that they are constantly either pulling or pushing their partner to grow with them. That creates HD/LD problems in how much to eat (I want to diet this month and you don't), how much or what kind of sex to have (I am sick this month and a runny nose and coughing really don't put me in the mood for sex, versus you are under stress and would like the stress release from a good orgasm).

Self-soothing is all about taking something that scares you, you feel uncomfortable with, or that you don't want to do and figuring out a way that you can accomplish it. One of his examples is French kissing. At first when you were a very young child the thought of sharing germs and saliva with someone else is probably pretty repugnant. However, kissing between a boyfriend and girlfriend is suppose to be different than kissing a sibling or parent. Probably the first time you tried passionate kissing you just touched lips. Then the next time maybe one of you pressed their tongue on and explored the lips of the other. At that moment the one being tongue-probed, had to self-sooth and open their lips/mouth a little and allow things to happen. Then it probably didn't seem so bad. The next few times both became a little more enthusiastic, until finally both of them owned the sensation, liked it and it was now part of who their were (or had become through self-differentiation) and they owned this.

Part of the self-soothing could be reading up on something (bowling, giving BJ's, etc.) to understand it better. Then the next part could be breaking it down into components and mastering each component separately. If for your wife it is performing a BJ, it could be figuring out how to make the penis "clean" or covered with a flavored condom so that mental block is gone, It could be mastering one's gag reflex. It could be mentally visualizing performing the act with a smile on her face, it could be mentally congratulating herself on the act being well performed. To bring it back to your bowling analogy, it could be practicing the swing and approach. It could be practicing the follow-through. It could be looking a books that show the correct place to aim the ball for various split pin combinations and visualizing your doing it. The point is that if it is going bowling, you are actively participating and wanting to do it to the best of your ability, not just going through the motions and clocking in as "present."

All married partners grow at different rates. But growing and self-differentiating or figuring out your true self and making sure you are taking the time to do introspection and make you, "the best you, you can be" takes work.

Negotiating compromise also takes a lot of effort, especially if you respect your partner and their boundaries. A marriage retreat weekend with the Gottmans provided training in "negotiating grid-lock issues." One of the things that the Gottmans said was that you should not try to negotiate trying to change your partners mind on something until you can explain their position and why they hold that position as well or better than they can. What they were trying to say is that before you can negotiate you really have to spend a lot of time asking questions and really listening to what your partner says.

Once you understand why they object to something, then you might be able to figure out something on the edge that they might we willing to do that doesn't cross their boundary, especially if they are actively self soothing or you can help them with their self soothing.
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post #63 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:51 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
Why on earth would he try anymore? Banging your head against the wall is fun at first, but the novelty wears off quickly.


What if he never tried
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post #64 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 01:40 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by Tatsuhiko View Post
Honestly, I had to read jld's post twice to see if I had read it right. Heaven forbid that we admit the fault might be with the woman in this situation, or any!
JLD is not entirely wrong. Snide comments and pouting are going to get him exactly nowhere. They both need to put in effort, and it needs to be the right kind of effort.

If either one of them gives a Herculean effort but it's doing the wrong thing, they're still bound to fail.

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post #65 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 07:52 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Get your thyroid checked. That was my issue for years. I don't think it really has anything to do mentally or emotionally. It sounds physiological. Get a hormone panel done. Check testosterone,t3,t4 and TSH. Just because we are females does not mean we don't need test. Just a very small amount.

Learn to read your own labs. I went back to a dr who checked mine and I didn't read them. For example a TSH lab is given to you on a scale. On a 1-5 scale I was a 1. The dr. Dismissing it told me I was "in range" No issues there and sent me On my way. Over the next couple of years that number eventually plummeted. I had didn't know why I felt the way I felt. Not to mention I had 0 testosterone.

I had 3 years of the 0 sex drive. I get it totally. I love my husband I just didn't want him to touch me . My attitude was " don't touch it look at it just leave my parts alone! " lol I had a thyroid problem issue that was going on and had no clue. It wasn't the greatest time. It made me not care about sex AT ALL.

Get your hormones checked. Find what optimum is for you. Ya never know

Just my experience I hope it helps some.


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post #66 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:54 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by Fozzy View Post
JLD is not entirely wrong. Snide comments and pouting are going to get him exactly nowhere. They both need to put in effort, and it needs to be the right kind of effort.

If either one of them gives a Herculean effort but it's doing the wrong thing, they're still bound to fail.
In fact, often less is more in these situations.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #67 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:12 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

To be honest, this sounds like you may need to get your hormone levels checked. If they're off you might just need a boost to pick up your sex drive. Sex is fun...Well it is for me, and I'm crashing through menopause at the moment...LOL...
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post #68 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 01:08 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

I agree 100% with having yourself checked out by a doctor ( mentally & physically).
But lemme ask u this...,"Are u still in love with him?" R u still attracted to him? Those were the 2questions my therapist (I went to see when I had similar concerns in a previous relationship) asked me. She told me to really think about my answers.
If u r still in love with him & ur still attracted to him then I would call my doctor as suggested & take it from there.
As for my past problem? I was not in love with or attracted to my fiance & that's what I told my therapist. She told me that sum things just cannot be fixed...and that's one of them. I didn't leave him rite away as suggested bcs the thought of him being with another woman made me crazy. So I selfishly stayed in the rship for another 6months. And i was not having sex with him nor was i pleasing him ever! So when I caught him cheating on me for a 3rd time. I realized that I pushed him to cheat on me. Therefore, I got what I deserved it.
Even tho I wasn't in love with him anymore...he was my best friend. I just wasn't his.
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post #69 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:45 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
What if he never tried
And there are things where you might not try. You don't have to bang your head against a wall to know it hurts.

Kushti divvus, pali i peni!
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post #70 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:52 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
Very well said! As a fan of David Schnarch, I couldn't agree more.


Self-soothing is all about taking something that scares you, you feel uncomfortable with, or that you don't want to do and figuring out a way that you can accomplish it.
With respect to Schnarch, the problem around self-soothing isn't figuring out how to break the issue down into manageable pieces, it's about driving one's mind to thing about doing it in the first place. The issue isn't how to dissect an "unpleasant task", it's get the mind past the idea of "In what twisted version of the world is my doing this a good idea?"


Quote:
Negotiating compromise also takes a lot of effort, especially if you respect your partner and their boundaries. Once you understand why they object to something, then you might be able to figure out something on the edge that they might we willing to do that doesn't cross their boundary,
This sounds very much like the wry definition of compromise as an agreement where nobody gets what they want.

Kushti divvus, pali i peni!
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post #71 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:08 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by tyler1978 View Post
It would seem that there are no kids involved so I would say time to move on. Such a complete lack of desire is not something likely to ever change on a regular longterm basis. Can put on a charade and pretend to be interested but in the end, true colors come shining through
Sad to say, I have lived this experience and spent a great deal of my adulthood chasing the Holy Grail of desire. I never caught it. I did provide sex on demand, but could not manufacture desire, except for a desire to please my partner. In the end, that kind of desire wasn't enough to keep the man I loved.
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post #72 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:12 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
Go to the doctor, have a physical and find out if you have any issues, hormonal, etc.

Tell the doctor you don't have a sex drive.

Scary thing is, you're only 32 and in your prime. You should be wanting sex all the time, instead of nothing.

Most men are physical, visual and sexual.That means we need that physical and sexual connection with our ladies and the more the better.

By your hubby noticing you aren't into sex at all, is going to have real consequences for your marriage, with possible divorce in the end.

You need to see a doctor, find out if anything is wrong, perhaps get some meds and get your sex drive back.

The worse thing you can do, is allowing your hubby to notice you couldn't care less for sex and its only to please him.

Have you considered buying sex toys for yourself, to give you great orgasms and go from there, to get your sex drive going?

If you decide to do nothing about this, it could very well lead to being single.
What if she goes to one doctor, and then another, and another, and spends years trying to find out what is wrong? What if all the tests show her anatomy/bloodwork/hormones are completely normal? What if meds do nothing, and no sex toys work to manufacture desire? Then what.
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post #73 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:20 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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@lifeistooshort, I might be inclined to agree with you, were it not for the fact that the OP stayed this has been an issue in ALL of her relationships. She doesn't see the point, to MAYBE get some pleasure. That, to me, doesn't sound like he is *the* problem. I do believe they are mismatched, and have been from the beginning. But I also think she may be borderline asexual. There is nothing wrong with that, of course, except in the context of a marriage where at least one party is expecting a sexual relationship. I don't think she should fake enthusiasm when there is none. But I do think she should get to the bottom of why she feels the way she does about sex.

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If she is asexual, there is no such thing as getting "to the bottom" of why she feels the way she does about sex. Some people (about 1% of the population) were born that way. Trying to explain "why" you don't feel desire, when you were born that way, is like a person who enjoys sex trying to "get to the bottom of why" she is attracted to men or women and enjoys sex. For 99% of the population, sexual desire is natural, and there is no "why." They were born that way. Those are the lucky ones.
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post #74 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:25 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Face plant
Lol
Headshake.....
Lol

His job to inspire her passion.

I've got to remember that one.
I suggest you do remember to inspire passion because after years of taking care of everyone I'll be damned if my next job is acting like I simply can't wait to get naked after he's pretty much ignored me most of the day and is hogging the TV while simultaneously watching basketball, golf, and Shawshank Redemption for the 345th time.

Oooh yeah baby that's hot!

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


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post #75 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:32 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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I suggest you do remember to inspire passion because after years of taking care of everyone I'll be damned if my next job is acting like I simply can't wait to get naked after he's pretty much ignored me most of the day and is hogging the TV while simultaneously watching basketball, golf, and Shawshank Redemption for the 345th time.

Oooh yeah baby that's hot!
I know you're not dissin on Shawshank Redemption!
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