With respect to Schnarch, the problem around self-soothing isn't figuring out how to break the issue down into manageable pieces, it's about driving one's mind to thing about doing it in the first place. The issue isn't how to dissect an "unpleasant task", it's get the mind past the idea of "In what twisted version of the world is my doing this a good idea?"
This sounds very much like the wry definition of compromise as an agreement where nobody gets what they want.
You are absolutely right about getting past the part of "In what twisted version of the world is my doing this a good idea." That is a huge first hurdle to overcome. All I can say is that if faced with such a hurdle and faced with the prospect that if you don't overcome that hurdle you will loose something or hurt someone very much, one might be moved to try.
For my wife, it was "in what twisted world should I have sex more often than I want (or ever again), just to satisfy this husband." In a long multi-year slide of emotionally hurting each other we had stopped having sex completely for several months and my wife had no seeming desire to start having sex again. I was working on changing myself and trying to understand how I had emotionally hurt my wife, so that I could provide her the emotional love she needed.
Our sex therapist pointed out that my wife was free to punish her husband by not having sex with me, but she asked my wife what the ultimate consequences would be of her never again having sex with me. My wife didn't understand. The sex therapist asked if she though divorce would be the likely outcome. After a lot of avoidance, my wife finally said yes.
Then the sex therapist asked me if I had thought about divorce. I replied that I had, that I had researched the State's divorce laws and had promised myself that I would do everything in my power to save my marriage, but by a certain birthday, I was going to be in a loving sexual relationship with a woman, either my wife or someone else. The sex therapist and my wife were both stunned. The ST told my wife that was a reasonable approach and it gave my wife enough time to figure out what she really wanted to do and to understand the consequences of her decision to have or not have sex with her husband.
The sex therapist then helped through sensate-focus exercises and visualization get us to start having sex again. While still in sessions with the ST, we scheduled a Gottmans Art & Science of Love weekend workshop.
As to the Gottman's on negotiating compromise, they are one of the leading marriage relationship experts in the County. The University of Washington Gottman Love Lab, where couples were observed and quantified is pretty famous around here. In fact around here in the Pacific Northwest, the joke is that when marriage counselors need counseling, they go to the Gottmans. One of the things that they do in their Art & Science of Love weekend is teach people a number of negotiating skills (along with defining shared values, aspirations, etc.). Then they have an exercise where each couple picks out one or two "grid lock topics"
The couple then sits down at a table and using the skills they have learned try to negotiate with each other over a grid lock issue. Gottman trained marriage counselors then come to each table to briefly observe and offer suggestions to help in the negotiations. When my wife and I did this, we are given time to do (or at least start) two such grid lock negotiations. We weren't able to complete the negotiations, but later, with the help of our sex therapist, we were able to negotiate a compromise on sexual frequency that we both can enjoy (although stretching each of us) and saved our marriage.
This is just my experience and it may not work for anyone else.