Don't want it. Ever. - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #76 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:58 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by 2020hindsight View Post
What if she goes to one doctor, and then another, and another, and spends years trying to find out what is wrong? What if all the tests show her anatomy/bloodwork/hormones are completely normal? What if meds do nothing, and no sex toys work to manufacture desire? Then what.


She hasn't gone to a doctor and another and another, etc.

She is here, saying her sex drive is close to nothing and she has done "NOTHING" about it.

When married, you are to take care of each other needs as your own. She is not doing this.

It's all his fault somehow, not making enough money, whatever it might be. That's what posters are saying anyway.

Meds will get her sex drive going. Females that go into body building, take testosterone....guess what? They get quite horny and want sex all the time.....its hormonal.


She is LD.
He is HD.

She has no interest in sex.
He does.

She is making no effort to change this.
He notices the sex is only for him and she isn't into sex.


She is asking what can be done?

- doctor, hormonal, meds
- gym, weights, cardio
- take the 5 love languages quiz

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.

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post #77 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 12:04 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Sighhhhhhhhh.....


Okay here it goes again. I don't understand why they don't teach you women these things in chick-academy. I mean they teach you how to apply makeup and get credit cards, but they don't teach about the basics of men.

A man knows his wife loves him when she makes passionate love to him. Period. That's it. We guys are incredibly simple creatures. If you want us to know you love us, have enthusiastic sex with us.

Women are different. They need talking and sharing and talking and flowers and talking and financial stability and talking and for their guy to have a steady job and talking and for their man to listen to her and let her know he understands what she is feeling....and talking...

And the guy has to do this for a long time before she will accept that he loves her.

By you telling your husband that you do not desire sex with him you have told him you do not love him. That may not be what you mean, but that is what he hears. Sorry.


Sums it all up.

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post #78 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:13 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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If she is asexual, there is no such thing as getting "to the bottom" of why she feels the way she does about sex. Some people (about 1% of the population) were born that way. Trying to explain "why" you don't feel desire, when you were born that way, is like a person who enjoys sex trying to "get to the bottom of why" she is attracted to men or women and enjoys sex. For 99% of the population, sexual desire is natural, and there is no "why." They were born that way. Those are the lucky ones.
Omg... jump to conclusions much? "Getting to the bottom" of this means get testing done to rule out medical problems, such as hormone imbalances. If no medical reason for the very low drive, then, yes, she likely is asexual. And, no, there is nothing wrong with that. Never said there was. So, yes, I absolutely maintain thst she should "get to the bottom of this" and get checked out, to rule out medical problems, before jumping to the conclusion that she absolutely IS asexual. Hence, my statement that she MAY be, not that she is.

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post #79 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 08:33 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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post #80 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
From everything I have read, asexuality is extremely rare. It is probably the rarest of all the sexual orientations. I recall a poster here years ago who complained about her lack of attraction to her husband and low drive. Well, wouldn't you know it, she came back a year or so later and told us how she had divorced her husband and then started up a lesbian relationship with a coworker. Turns out she was a lesbian and was just living in denial all her life up to that point.

OP consider the possibility that when she told you she never had high drive or lots of sex with her previous partners...well...she could very well be lying.

It is quite possible that you just don't float her boat. She likes you as a companion, but not as a lover. Some women will, and do, marry men who they have no sexual attraction to. Happens ALL the time.
Ummm... Bandit... The OP is the woman who may or may not be asexual/doesn't want sex.

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post #81 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 11:11 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Ummm... Bandit... The OP is the woman who may or may not be asexual/doesn't want sex.

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I can't keep up with this crap....
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post #82 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 11:33 AM
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You are plainly asexual and knew this at an early age, am I correct? If so, why bother getting married if you could not care less about a pretty large part of the relationship?
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post #83 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 11:39 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

OP hasn't responded in a while with responses to questions. IMHO there is too little information here to allow any sensible discussion of this particular situation.

Unless the OP responds, I think we can either drop this, or discuss in general.

Right now we don't know why the OP doesn't want sex - there are a very wide variety of possible reasons and we can't guess.
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post #84 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:54 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
Does he try to get you in the mood? Or does he just expect you to be in the mood?
I hate questions like these. What difference does it make?

SHE DOESN'T LIKE SEX. NEVER HAS. Stop blaming him.

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I just don't like sex much. I don't want it
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Same issue with previous relationships

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #85 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:55 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by Sawney Beane View Post
With respect to Schnarch, the problem around self-soothing isn't figuring out how to break the issue down into manageable pieces, it's about driving one's mind to thing about doing it in the first place. The issue isn't how to dissect an "unpleasant task", it's get the mind past the idea of "In what twisted version of the world is my doing this a good idea?"



This sounds very much like the wry definition of compromise as an agreement where nobody gets what they want.
You are absolutely right about getting past the part of "In what twisted version of the world is my doing this a good idea." That is a huge first hurdle to overcome. All I can say is that if faced with such a hurdle and faced with the prospect that if you don't overcome that hurdle you will loose something or hurt someone very much, one might be moved to try.

For my wife, it was "in what twisted world should I have sex more often than I want (or ever again), just to satisfy this husband." In a long multi-year slide of emotionally hurting each other we had stopped having sex completely for several months and my wife had no seeming desire to start having sex again. I was working on changing myself and trying to understand how I had emotionally hurt my wife, so that I could provide her the emotional love she needed.

Our sex therapist pointed out that my wife was free to punish her husband by not having sex with me, but she asked my wife what the ultimate consequences would be of her never again having sex with me. My wife didn't understand. The sex therapist asked if she though divorce would be the likely outcome. After a lot of avoidance, my wife finally said yes.

Then the sex therapist asked me if I had thought about divorce. I replied that I had, that I had researched the State's divorce laws and had promised myself that I would do everything in my power to save my marriage, but by a certain birthday, I was going to be in a loving sexual relationship with a woman, either my wife or someone else. The sex therapist and my wife were both stunned. The ST told my wife that was a reasonable approach and it gave my wife enough time to figure out what she really wanted to do and to understand the consequences of her decision to have or not have sex with her husband.

The sex therapist then helped through sensate-focus exercises and visualization get us to start having sex again. While still in sessions with the ST, we scheduled a Gottmans Art & Science of Love weekend workshop.

As to the Gottman's on negotiating compromise, they are one of the leading marriage relationship experts in the County. The University of Washington Gottman Love Lab, where couples were observed and quantified is pretty famous around here. In fact around here in the Pacific Northwest, the joke is that when marriage counselors need counseling, they go to the Gottmans. One of the things that they do in their Art & Science of Love weekend is teach people a number of negotiating skills (along with defining shared values, aspirations, etc.). Then they have an exercise where each couple picks out one or two "grid lock topics"

The couple then sits down at a table and using the skills they have learned try to negotiate with each other over a grid lock issue. Gottman trained marriage counselors then come to each table to briefly observe and offer suggestions to help in the negotiations. When my wife and I did this, we are given time to do (or at least start) two such grid lock negotiations. We weren't able to complete the negotiations, but later, with the help of our sex therapist, we were able to negotiate a compromise on sexual frequency that we both can enjoy (although stretching each of us) and saved our marriage.

This is just my experience and it may not work for anyone else.

Last edited by Young at Heart; 03-09-2017 at 02:03 PM.
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post #86 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:04 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by Maricha75 View Post
Ummm... Bandit... The OP is the woman who may or may not be asexual/doesn't want sex.

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I've got to go with @Bandit on this one.....women do partner with men they aren't attracted to. It happens a lot, in large part because women are not taught to explore what they want sexually and often face family and societal pressure to find a provider. And many have been taught to use sex as leverage.....something he wants and she grudgingly provides when she gets what she wants.

Women aren't raised to enjoy sex for its own sake.

What would many of us get from our families if we confessed that a millionaire wanted to marry us but we weren't attracted to him? Most families would slap a woman upside the head and tell her to fake it.

It's my belief that very few people are truly asexual, it's usually a combination of attitude toward sex, body image, and lack of finding a partner who does it for them.

Maybe OP has focused on other things in a partner and neglected how much they did for her sexually. I know if I continually dated nice, chubby guys I wouldn't be hot for any of them.
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post #87 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:15 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I've got to go with @Bandit on this one.....women do partner with men they aren't attracted to. It happens a lot, in large part because women are not taught to explore what they want sexually and often face family and societal pressure to find a provider. And many have been taught to use sex as leverage.....something he wants and she grudgingly provides when she gets what she wants.

Women aren't raised to enjoy sex for its own sake.

What would many of us get from our families if we confessed that a millionaire wanted to marry us but we weren't attracted to him? Most families would slap a woman upside the head and tell her to fake it.

It's my belief that very few people are truly asexual, it's usually a combination of attitude toward sex, body image, and lack of finding a partner who does it for them.

Maybe OP has focused on other things in a partner and neglected how much they did for her sexually. I know if I continually dated nice, chubby guys I wouldn't be hot for any of them.
Oh, I wasn't disagreeing with him lol. Just pointing out that the OP is the woman in question, and not the partner of said woman. 😊

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post #88 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:33 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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You are absolutely right about getting past the part of "In what twisted version of the world is my doing this a good idea." That is a huge first hurdle to overcome. All I can say is that if faced with such a hurdle and faced with the prospect that if you don't overcome that hurdle you will loose something or hurt someone very much, one might be moved to try.
Possibly, but I still suspect most people would boil the question down to "Why should I get hurt for their benefit?" I suspect most people answer this quite simply "You shouldn't".

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post #89 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:40 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

I got it backwards... wasn't paying attention....

Anyway, I have read in the past (no I don't have the sources off hand) that asexuality is still a big debate. There are those in the psychology and medical world who believe that it is a myth, and that low sex drive is caused by external factors. Then there is a faction who say that it is very real, and is a fourth sexual orientation that should be listed along with heterosexuality, homosexuality/lesbianism and bi-sexuality.

The big question for me is not "if" but why? Why would a person, who is not sexual or desirous of sex, want to get married? Why would they even have an expectation that marriage would not require a healthy and enjoyable sex life.
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post #90 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:12 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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The big question for me is not "if" but why? Why would a person, who is not sexual or desirous of sex, want to get married? Why would they even have an expectation that marriage would not require a healthy and enjoyable sex life.
Expectations? Social convention? The same reason gay men got married in the past.

They wouldn't expect a "healthy and enjoyable sex life", and perhaps think everyone else thinks the same way?

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