Don't want it. Ever. - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #91 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:13 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
The big question for me is not "if" but why? Why would a person, who is not sexual or desirous of sex, want to get married? Why would they even have an expectation that marriage would not require a healthy and enjoyable sex life.
Maybe they think they've found a chump who will put up with it. Or maybe they think they can provide sex on an infrequent but sufficient enough basis to keep said chump from leaving.

Aka, Nice Guy good provider.
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post #92 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:23 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Great news article I just read OP....

Orgasms: Who has them most, least -- and why - CNN.com

40% of women are sexually dysfunctional. Don't feel bad, you're clearly not alone.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #93 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:30 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Possibly, but I still suspect most people would boil the question down to "Why should I get hurt for their benefit?" I suspect most people answer this quite simply "You shouldn't".
Agreed. But if you can't find a way to avoid hurting your partner without getting hurt yourself, then you should end the relationship.

If you frame the issue as "unwanted sex hurts me, why should I do that?" you make it difficult to resolve a mismatch. If you frame it as "how can I think about what we are doing so it doesn't hurt me?" you are more likely to find a solution. If there is no way to think about having sex with your spouse more frequently that doesn't hurt you, then it is time to think about divorce. Thinking about divorce might motivate one to view this as "how can I make this not hurt me?"

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #94 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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40% of women are sexually dysfunctional. Don't feel bad, you're clearly not alone.
Or maybe 40% of men are complete duds in bed. I can't be the only one.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #95 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 11:34 AM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Or maybe 40% of men are complete duds in bed. I can't be the only one.
I think it's sad so many men blame themselves. Are you still in a sexless marriage?

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #96 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 12:09 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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I think it's sad so many men blame themselves. Are you still in a sexless marriage?
Yes, but we are getting along fine. More affection than I ever got before. I am a dud in bed and I can live with that. It helps with tolerating the frequency. If I thought I wasn't a dud, then I would want more and would fantasize about leaving her to obtain more. Accepting myself as a dud allows me to accept staying - which I absolutely intend to do.

Still, I am sure plenty of men are duds. In my experience too few young women know and share what gets them off. Or maybe they just don't share with duds like me. Easier to fake it and then dump the guy and move on to find a guy who does know what he is doing. Young women who want to enjoy sex can easily find partners to keep trying until they find one who works for them. No need to invest in teaching a dud how to be better. I married someone who was uninterested in learning how to make it better for herself much less teach me how to do it. So I never learned. Maybe that makes it partially her fault but doesn't make me less of a dud.

Not fishing for compliments. I am small. Not particularly strong or fit. When young I finished very quickly. And once I was done I stopped everything. Often leaving the woman "hanging". There never was "round 2". I was too ashamed. Yes, I was willing to provide manual and oral as foreplay but never seemed to get favorable results. Didn't know what I was doing and never found anyone willing to teach me. Got lots of requests along the lines of "it isn't going to happen so can you please stop trying and just do PIV until you finish so we can move on to some other activity?" Looking back, given how bad it all was, not sure why I was so fixated on doing more of it. Sorta like asking to bash my head against a wall a few extra times. So happy I am now old and can't perform without pills. The shame permits me to avoid the activity almost entirely so I don't have to be constantly reminded of my inadequacy. And no more fights with H2 over my wanting additional sessions.

We are happy spending time together. The kids have an intact family. We each know the other will take care of us in sickness and old age. Not a bad place for a dud to wind up.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #97 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 12:26 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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......The big question for me is not "if" but why? Why would a person, who is not sexual or desirous of sex, want to get married? Why would they even have an expectation that marriage would not require a healthy and enjoyable sex life.
What I didn't realize when I got married was that my wife had lived in her "fathers" home and then in the college dormitories. Upon graduation she felt she needed to either move "back home" to her parents house or get married. She did not enjoy living with her parents.

My wife also while LD, was hormonaly driven in her late teens and early 20's. He 'desire/demand" level was pretty close to mine, since at the time I was under incredible academic pressure to enter graduate school. My wife thought that marriage would "change" her and allow her to do all those sex acts that others were doing (that we talked about doing when married), but that she didn't feel were now appropriate.

My wife also really wanted children at some point (although we put it off for a long time).

So the Why would an LD person get married? It might be social, family pressure, desire for a certain lifestyle and a host of things. In fact the LD person and their future partner might not realize how great the LD/HD divide is between them or they may assume that "marriage will change that."
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post #98 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 12:55 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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In fact the LD person and their future partner might not realize how great the LD/HD divide is between them or they may assume that "marriage will change that."
Regarding that last part. Everyone knows that no matter how bad the problems are beforehand, usually marriage fixes everything.
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/sarcasm off
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post #99 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 12:58 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
40% of women are sexually dysfunctional. Don't feel bad, you're clearly not alone.
If you are going to quote statistics like that then at least put it in better context:

Quote:
About 40 percent of women and 30 percent of men experience sexual dysfunction, a rate much higher than previously believed, according to a new study by researchers at the University and the Robert Wood Johnson Medical School.
Researchers publish new study on sexual dysfunction

Not only is she not alone, but men are almost as equally dysfunctional.
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post #100 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 01:20 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
If you are going to quote statistics like that then at least put it in better context:

Researchers publish new study on sexual dysfunction

Not only is she not alone, but men are almost as equally dysfunctional.
Whose disputing that some men don't experience dysfunction?

Obviously there is a multimillion dollar market for Viagra and Cialis users.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #101 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 02:38 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
Whose disputing that some men don't experience dysfunction?

Obviously there is a multimillion dollar market for Viagra and Cialis users.
No one, I was just pointing out that in a better context it is better to say BOTH genders struggle with sexual dysfunction. That may actually be helpful for the OP to know.

Otherwise it might come across only as a gender specific statistic like someone saying to you that 8% of men are color blind and if you are too @BetrayedDad then you are not alone.

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post #102 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 03:01 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
Whose disputing that some men don't experience dysfunction?

Obviously there is a multimillion dollar market for Viagra and Cialis users.
Agreed.

We need to separate dysfunction from desire.

Many men have the dysfunction, but their desire to have sex is through the roof.
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post #103 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 04:01 PM
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Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Jacquaenos,

I am locking this thread. If you wish me to unlock it, send me a PM. We prefer that when people create threads of this sort - that they participate in them.



Quote:
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Agreed.

We need to separate dysfunction from desire.

Many men have the dysfunction, but their desire to have sex is through the roof.
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