Don't want it. Ever. - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 224Likes
Closed Thread
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:55 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Jacquaenos's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 2
Don't want it. Ever.

32 year old female, married 4 years. I just don't like sex much. I don't want it, and my husband thinks it's a sign I don't love him. I've explained that I don't want to, when I try to fake interest he can tell. I think he just wants me to want it, and I can't. I try to get in the mood, but it goes away before we get anywhere. It's making him very bitter and he makes snide comments about how he shouldn't even try because I never want it. I'm not doing this on purpose, I'm willing to have sex just to let him enjoy it, but he doesn't want that. What on earth can I do?
Jacquaenos is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:58 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,020
Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jacquaenos View Post
32 year old female, married 4 years. I just don't like sex much. I don't want it, and my husband thinks it's a sign I don't love him. I've explained that I don't want to, when I try to fake interest he can tell. I think he just wants me to want it, and I can't. I try to get in the mood, but it goes away before we get anywhere. It's making him very bitter and he makes snide comments about how he shouldn't even try because I never want it. I'm not doing this on purpose, I'm willing to have sex just to let him enjoy it, but he doesn't want that. What on earth can I do?
Find a way to want it, preferably with him.

Just as importantly, if you feel that it's something that he's doing (or not doing, whichever the case may be) that has you in this rut, find a way to tell him that.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #3 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:59 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,456
Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Don't you think it's odd that you have no sex drive?

It would be like me waking up one day and realizing my left arm is missing and saying "Oh well I'll just use my right arm for everything" and go about my day as if everything was perfectly normal.
browser is offline  
post #4 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 04:01 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,161
Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Sighhhhhhhhh.....


Okay here it goes again. I don't understand why they don't teach you women these things in chick-academy. I mean they teach you how to apply makeup and get credit cards, but they don't teach about the basics of men.

A man knows his wife loves him when she makes passionate love to him. Period. That's it. We guys are incredibly simple creatures. If you want us to know you love us, have enthusiastic sex with us.

Women are different. They need talking and sharing and talking and flowers and talking and financial stability and talking and for their guy to have a steady job and talking and for their man to listen to her and let her know he understands what she is feeling....and talking...

And the guy has to do this for a long time before she will accept that he loves her.

By you telling your husband that you do not desire sex with him you have told him you do not love him. That may not be what you mean, but that is what he hears. Sorry.
bandit.45 is online now  
post #5 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 04:04 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 145
Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Were you this way before the wedding also, or did you have a lot of sex previously with real (or at least convincing) displays of passion?
Phil Anders is offline  
post #6 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 04:06 PM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 8,402
Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jacquaenos View Post
32 year old female, married 4 years. I just don't like sex much. I don't want it, and my husband thinks it's a sign I don't love him. I've explained that I don't want to, when I try to fake interest he can tell. I think he just wants me to want it, and I can't. I try to get in the mood, but it goes away before we get anywhere. It's making him very bitter and he makes snide comments about how he shouldn't even try because I never want it. I'm not doing this on purpose, I'm willing to have sex just to let him enjoy it, but he doesn't want that. What on earth can I do?
Get yourself into some kind of therapy to find out what's the matter with you. This is NOT normal.
Hope1964 is offline  
post #7 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 04:06 PM
Member
 
EllisRedding's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Valhalla (Or the Northeast USA)
Posts: 6,089
Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Did you like/desire sex during your relationship and it eventually diminished? If so, can you pinpoint when your desire started to dwindle, or possible causes (children, work, various life stresses, etc...)?

Is it you don't like sex, or you don't like sex with your Husband?
EllisRedding is offline  
post #8 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 04:13 PM
Member
 
bankshot1993's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: alberta
Posts: 227
Re: Don't want it. Ever.

by not wanting to have sex with your husband or even worse having emotionally detached duty sex with your husband there is a very strong message:

I don't want you, I don't desire you, I'm here simply out of obligation and having you crawl on top of me is a punishment that I force myself to endure out of obligation.

Hhmmmm, that sounds like my dream marriage.

Our lives are a novel and we, the authors. if you don't like the story line, only you have the power to change it.
bankshot1993 is offline  
post #9 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 04:14 PM
Member
 
bankshot1993's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: alberta
Posts: 227
Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Just out of curiosity, would you be open to your husband having his physical needs met elsewhere?

Our lives are a novel and we, the authors. if you don't like the story line, only you have the power to change it.
bankshot1993 is offline  
post #10 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 04:19 PM
Member
 
Mr. Nail's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 2,353
Re: Don't want it. Ever.

I'd start with talking to a Doctor. But if you are positive that you do not want sex as a part of your life you need to rethink the idea of being married. Certainly rethink your choice of partner. You have the right to choose whether or not you want sex in your life. You have no right to force another person to be your partner either in sex or in Chastity. Only when they freely make that choice for themselves.
Mr. Nail is online now  
post #11 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 04:23 PM
Member
 
Spicy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 607
Re: Don't want it. Ever.

What is it excatly that you dislike about sex?

Is your husband a good lover?

Do you orgasm?

I wholeheartedly agree with the other posters. You have to get help for this and change, Your husband wanted a wife, not a friend. Being a wife means you have sex with your mate, if you don't want to have it or enjoy it, please set him free. You are putting him in a TERRIBLE position. I pity him so much.

Ciao,

Spicy
Spicy is online now  
post #12 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 04:30 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Abroad. Currently Arizona.
Posts: 7,379
Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Read "What do women want?"

by Daniel Bergner.

Might help.
ConanHub is offline  
post #13 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 04:33 PM
Member
 
Vinnydee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Southern USA, but longtime NYC boy prior to our move.
Posts: 448
Re: Don't want it. Ever.

You can talk to your doctor about it because it is not a normal way to feel about sex at your age. Quite frankly if my wife did not want sex or enjoyed it, I would find someone who did. That is what many men do. When you have sex your bodies release the hormone Oxytocin. Its sole purpose is to emotionally bond the couple together. Without sex you have no emotional bonding and you fight and stop feeling close to each other. You live like you are good friends.

You probably have some hormonal imbalance because wanting sex is a genetic drive we have. It is the strongest drive we humans have since it is why we are all here today. Some people have lower libidos than others, but you are extreme and should talk to a professional because your husband will cheat on you. Almost guaranteed, if he does not divorce you first. Love without sex is what we have for our parents and siblings. It is not the kind of love a married couple has. No one should live in a sexless marriage so seek help or open your marriage so your husband can have sex with others without feeling guilty. Of course you will probably lose him to another woman but the poor guy needs sex with someone who enjoys it.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
Vinnydee is offline  
post #14 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 05:21 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Jacquaenos's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 2
Re: Don't want it. Ever.

I had a low sex drive before getting married, but not nonexistent. It's not him, just sex in general seems too much work for a small chance of enjoyment. It doesn't hurt, but so rarely feels good enough to keep trying. Same issue with previous relationships, but they never turned into marriage.
Jacquaenos is offline  
post #15 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 05:27 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 606
Re: Don't want it. Ever.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jacquaenos View Post
I had a low sex drive before getting married, but not nonexistent. It's not him, just sex in general seems too much work for a small chance of enjoyment. It doesn't hurt, but so rarely feels good enough to keep trying. Same issue with previous relationships, but they never turned into marriage.
Then you did your husband a disservice by not letting him know this before you got married (assuming that you didn't inform him - if you did, then disregard). Like the others have said, your husband is your lover, not a pal. I'm in the same boat with my wife (who views sex as work) and I'm resentful. Don't be shocked when you find him pleasuring himself (although if you're like my wife, that means that he's leaving you alone, which you prefer).

You really need to get this checked out.
ChargingCharlie is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Closed Thread

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome