Does sex drive vary from partner to partner? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 120Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 02:54 AM
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,089
Cool Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Quote:
Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
Odds are she is very attracted to that guy in the romance novel, but unfortunately there is no good picture of him so you'll never be able to compare his looks to yours to know exactly what it is about him your wife finds so attractive. One thing we know for sure is that he is usually "well written" and comes across like this:



Hey @inmyprime so like when is the last time you wrote your wife a love letter? You know, using some "well written" words of your own, just for her!

Badsanta
I wrote both of my cheating XW's excruciatingly beautiful love letters all while both were busy covertly cheating on me! LD/HD are usually just convenient labels of choice! My prose and penmanship made absolutely no difference in the world!

Let's just say that their hormone levels and oxytocin count are usually at a medically consistent constant, but are far more prevalent for their new, exciting, and usually covert love interest rather than for their legitimate partner!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
arbitrator is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:57 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
inmyprime's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: London
Posts: 519
Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Of course I realise things change after kids. We have three and each time there was almost nothing for 6-12 months after and we survived (thank you porn).
However we always had this mismatch and it's not so much the sex I'm talking about. I don't think I ever felt the same passion from her. I wondered if people experience markedly different sex drives and different passion levels with different partners (after settling down with them).
Though I guess it's a bit of a pointless question. We have to work with what we got. And I want too much. I want HER to feel in ecstasy ALL the time. With ME.
Because that's how I feel about her.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
inmyprime is online now  
post #18 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:02 AM
Member
 
Holdingontoit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: In the woods
Posts: 1,198
Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

It varies. I feel more libido sometimes and less others. I feel more libido with some partners and less with others. I feel more with the same partner some times and less other times. Libido is not constant. even when the roles of HD and LD remain fairly constant within a single couple, both person's libido likely varies over time. And with a different partner it would likely be very different than with the same partner.

And yes, when each kid arrives the deck may well be reshuffled. And quite a large chance that one or both's spouse's libido will take a nosedive. So if you had a kid recently and your spouse stopped wanting sex, you are not alone. And no, there is no pill / magic wand / magic bullet that brings it back. But there is something that almost guaranteed it will NOT come back. And that is whining, moping, pouting and making passive-aggressive attempts to punish them for having less libido now than they did before.

When you can see it coming, duck!
Holdingontoit is online now  
post #19 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:02 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
inmyprime's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: London
Posts: 519
Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Holdingontoit View Post
It varies. I feel more libido sometimes and less others. I feel more libido with some partners and less with others. I feel more with the same partner some times and less other times. Libido is not constant. even when the roles of HD and LD remain fairly constant within a single couple, both person's libido likely varies over time. And with a different partner it would likely be very different than with the same partner.

And yes, when each kid arrives the deck may well be reshuffled. And quite a large chance that one or both's spouse's libido will take a nosedive. So if you had a kid recently and your spouse stopped wanting sex, you are not alone. And no, there is no pill / magic wand / magic bullet that brings it back. But there is something that almost guaranteed it will NOT come back. And that is whining, moping, pouting and making passive-aggressive attempts to punish them for having less libido now than they did before.
Are you passive-aggressively implying that this is what is happening in my case?
I don't know if I was clear that I was taking into account the children/pregnancy libido declines and refer to the entirety of our relationship/marriage, not just the episodes post-births. Though after 15 months, I expect things to be more or less back to normal (and it is the "normal" I am talking about).
The lack of emotional connection she needed with me was always less than I needed from her, not just recently.
I don't think sex is the main issue to be honest. Because something still feels empty sometimes even after good sex. But I read on other threads that women do prefer to just **** sometimes. It is men who require the connection more often. I can sort of relate to that. Though I prefer a combination of both.
But you are right, whining doesn't help. I allow myself to do it here because it is just a way to vent. I don't show this side to her. At least I try not to.
Until I understand the ins and outs of it better.
inmyprime is online now  
post #20 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 01:22 PM
Member
 
Fozzy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4,526
Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Inmyprime, read "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel. It gives some interesting insights into what you're looking for.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
Fozzy is offline  
post #21 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 02:03 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 708
Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Sex drive has a lot of components, one of the biggest one being the level of attraction to your partner. So undoubtedly, there are different levels of attraction and sex drive from partner to partner. You hear all the time that when there is an affair that the WS has a much higher sex drive with the AP than they do with the BS. The book that @Fozzy mentioned is an excellent read and covers the psychology of attraction and how to keep it alive and strong. MMSLP is another good book to read.

I am not familiar with your story, but there are a lot of things you can do to keep an active sex life up, even post children (I know because I did). Start by keeping in good physical shape so you are physically attractive, then date your wife. Tell her to get all dolled up, hire a babysitter, and take her out on date(s) so you two can reconnect as lovers instead of just being parents. Make sure you are being a good partner and father, so she feels like you two are a team that is working together for a common goal. Also, don't be shy about your sexuality. Let her know what you want and what your expectations are. There's nothing more beta than when a woman accuses you of just to get in her pants and you deny it, instead of owning it and using it as a gateway for some flirting.
Bananapeel is online now  
post #22 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:48 PM
Member
 
Holdingontoit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: In the woods
Posts: 1,198
Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Quote:
Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
Though after 15 months, I expect things to be more or less back to normal (and it is the "normal" I am talking about).
If by "normal" you mean "back the way it was before the kid arrived", then that is your problem. It won't go back to that until the last kid leaves the house (and doesn't come back), and by then you will both be physically very different than you were before the first kid arrived so it will never actually be the same. But if you manage to maintain your good relationship all those years, it might be better!

If by "normal" you mean "normal for most married couples who don't have small kids in the house", then, again, you have a problem. That is not your correct comparison group. If you mean "normal for couples that DO have small kids in the house" then congratulations - you are already there. Because it is "normal" (meaning frequent but not universal) for couples with small kids in the house to not have much if any sex.

When you can see it coming, duck!
Holdingontoit is online now  
post #23 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 05:48 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,484
Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fozzy View Post
I stopped finding mine attractive after I'd had my fill of not getting my emotional needs met. The drive difference was a problem, but it was only after I really understood that my wife had zero interest in even working on it that my attraction to her completely tanked.
Did your wife notice?

If so, what was her reaction?
Buddy400 is offline  
post #24 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 06:03 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Haiku's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 3,330
Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Well, mine's in park and I'm waiting for a AAA tow.

.........><)))#">
Haiku is offline  
post #25 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 06:10 PM
Member
 
Fozzy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4,526
Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buddy400 View Post
Did your wife notice?

If so, what was her reaction?
If she's noticed she hasn't let on. From her perspective everything is hunk-dory.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
Fozzy is offline  
post #26 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 06:20 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,456
Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

I haven't really noticed a different sex drive with my various relationship partners but I'm thinking if those two asian high school chicks from my favorite porn video showed up at my front door I might get a wee bit harder than usual.
browser is offline  
post #27 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 06:44 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
inmyprime's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: London
Posts: 519
Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Holdingontoit View Post
If by "normal" you mean "back the way it was before the kid arrived", then that is your problem. It won't go back to that until the last kid leaves the house (and doesn't come back), and by then you will both be physically very different than you were before the first kid arrived so it will never actually be the same. But if you manage to maintain your good relationship all those years, it might be better!

If by "normal" you mean "normal for most married couples who don't have small kids in the house", then, again, you have a problem. That is not your correct comparison group. If you mean "normal for couples that DO have small kids in the house" then congratulations - you are already there. Because it is "normal" (meaning frequent but not universal) for couples with small kids in the house to not have much if any sex.
Neither.
By "normal", I mean that she'd want to **** me once in a while again, when time/energy allows, given the kids and tasks are not overwhelming her. (Taking into account that tiredness can impact it).

But I get what you are driving at. Life cannot be the same after kids in many respects and we both expected it to be this way. And that's not really the issue or a surprise as such.

Actually it seems her sex drive may be a little higher now than before kids (every 2-3 days, usually, whereas before it was maybe weekly or every two weeks). I don't know whether that's because we had The Talk (when i told her it is physically difficult for me not to have sex with her for long periods of time) or she figured out on her own or read something or because she actually wants to do it. Today she mentioned that sex is not something that is constantly on her mind (I don't blame her nor would I expect it to be) but she does have to make herself think about it so that she can enjoy it later that day. Whereas in the past, longer time would go by without her thinking about it.

Maybe it's my age (feel older, at 36) but it seems that emotional bonding plays a larger part, the older I get. Or maybe it's because I try to rationalise more what matters in life (feeling connected to people you love or care about). Don't know exactly what's going on. Midlife crisis perhaps :-) Need to buy myself that sex "drive" and drive it, as someone said.

Yes, dating is a great idea. We do that occasionally (not enough). But for me just having an hour to chat with each other once a day or every other day, would make a huge difference. Sometimes you can spend all your time together and around each other but not really be together and that's frustrating.

Last edited by inmyprime; 03-07-2017 at 06:50 PM.
inmyprime is online now  
post #28 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 06:47 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
inmyprime's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: London
Posts: 519
Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
Sex drive has a lot of components, one of the biggest one being the level of attraction to your partner. So undoubtedly, there are different levels of attraction and sex drive from partner to partner. You hear all the time that when there is an affair that the WS has a much higher sex drive with the AP than they do with the BS.
As I wrote, I meant the intensity of sex drive to be judged after the first (hormonal) 6 month period. when the partners are settled down and I presume most affairs will fall within the first 6 months and so one can be fooled into thinking that the sex drive is higher when it is likely to revert back to some sort of equilibrium eventually.

But yes, i get that there are many components.
inmyprime is online now  
post #29 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 12:16 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,502
Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeful Cynic View Post
I don't know how many posts I've seen where the guy is complaining about his wife's drop in sex drive, talks about how he's been telling her how important it is to him, asking what he can do to get her going again, and then much later on, he offhandedly mentions that they have a young child. As though it's completely irrelevant.
For some of us it is largely irrelevant.

Although this happens to lots of people, it also doesn't happen to lots of others.

I read post like yours and others which talk about sex diminishing or stopping with young children, yet I have never experienced this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeful Cynic View Post
Life will NEVER get back to how it was before after you have kids. If there is a preschool age child in the house, the sex life will suffer if there is not DEDICATED effort put to maintain it.
Of course life will never be the same, yet that's true with each passing year kids or otherwise.

I think it all depends upon who the people are, within that sex life.

For my wife and I, having kids hasn't significantly curtailed our opportunity or desire to share sex together. Nor did we have to put in any special effort to share sex together, when our children were Pre School aged and younger.

When the kids were babies, through being toddlers we usually had sex whenever they were in their bassinet/cot/bed or were asleep.

Once they were Pre School aged we then started to have sex while they were awake, where we would shut the door anytime morning/noon/afternoon and or evening. Or if they were asleep we would then have sex anywhere else in the house. Which remained thus until they became teen aged.

Now that they're both teens in High School, we limit sex anywhere since they now sometimes come out at night, or are coming home and staying up late. So we still have sex anytime just in our bedroom and or ensuite, or go for a drive, or have sex anywhere in the house while they're not home.

So our kids and our life have never held us back from enjoying each other a lot.

If people want to share sex together they will do exactly that. If one or more of them don't want to share sex together, then they won't.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeful Cynic View Post
With a one-year-old around, your wife is very likely still exhausted. The little guy is running around like crazy, needs more or less constant supervision as he's mobile and into everything, may still wake in the night, and still thinks Mommy is the centre of the universe.
My wife relates that for the most part, it was quite the holiday for her when she was at home with the kids. She says she found reading books, hanging out with friends, visiting places and all the rest while looking after the kids was all pretty easy. That also included me sometimes going away for a few days, through a few weeks and even a few months at a time for work.

In her case she took 12 months maternity leave and went back to work part time hours for the second year with our first child. While for our second she went back to work full time after taking 10 months maternity leave. Whereupon I took close to 3 years off, to look after both of them while she worked full time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeful Cynic View Post
Your wife is focused on all the stuff that goes into being Mommy - feeding, laundry, housecleaning, entertaining a toddler, etc. She probably has very very little time for herself.
In our experience that still leaves a healthy ammount of free time in between. It's not like we use wash tubs and hand cranked mangles to wash our laundry anymore.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeful Cynic View Post
This is completely exacerbated if she is a working mom also trying to meet those obligations.
Absolutely if in a parental relationship, where one does all of the work at home as well as working full-time outside of the home.

In our experience, nether of us have ever had to commute very far for work, with living 5 through 15 minutes drive away from work being the norm in most instances. Plus we have always shared all home duties, so we take turns cooking, doing dishes, laundry, driving the kids to activities etc. Then on the occasions when one of us is away for work, we then do it all for whoever is away at the time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeful Cynic View Post
If she does get a spare moment, her thoughts are probably not on sex.
If she isn't very interested in sex or is not very interested in having sex with her sexual partner, I concur her thoughts probably won't be on sex.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeful Cynic View Post
The more she senses your unhappiness about that, the more likely it is that she'll feel sex with you is one more obligation weighing on her, instead of finding the idea fun.
Yep, especially if she is not enamoured by the idea of having sex.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeful Cynic View Post
HD people find sex relaxing and a great stress reliever.
Which is one of the reasons why, my wife and I have always enjoyed sharing a very rich sex life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeful Cynic View Post
LD people don't want sex until they are already relaxed and stress-free. That state of mind doesn't exist around a small child.
For many who are like that, I doubt being relaxed and stress free would make them want more sex even then.

That said not all of us feel raising children, is a particularly stressful experience.

Last edited by Personal; 03-08-2017 at 06:52 AM.
Personal is offline  
post #30 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 12:16 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,502
Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Quote:
Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
Of course I realise things change after kids. We have three and each time there was almost nothing for 6-12 months after and we survived (thank you porn).
Ouch!

Outside of not being able to go out just as a couple, on a whim when the children were younger. Having kids has not had a significant impact upon our sex life.

My wife (who was breastfeeding) and I were having sex until just before the (natural) birth of both of our children. While in the first instance we didn't last the recommended 6 weeks of waiting, while in the second instance we did it at 6 weeks since she had three stitches.

We simply couldn't keep off of each other.

Quote:
Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
However we always had this mismatch and it's not so much the sex I'm talking about. I don't think I ever felt the same passion from her.
If that's the case this was inevitable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
I wondered if people experience markedly different sex drives and different passion levels with different partners (after settling down with them).
My three longest sexual relationships had/have lasted 3 years, circa 1 year and close to 21 years thus far. Throughout all of those relationships the quality and frequency of sex did not change significantly, even with having children in the first and last of those relationships.

Quote:
Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
Though I guess it's a bit of a pointless question. We have to work with what we got. And I want too much. I want HER to feel in ecstasy ALL the time. With ME.
Because that's how I feel about her.
Since she has never reciprocated your desire, should you hope that she changes?

Last edited by Personal; 03-08-2017 at 01:58 AM.
Personal is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My SO hasn't had a sex drive in over a year NolaGurl Sex in Marriage 30 01-13-2017 03:35 PM
Why the "red pill" is bitter tech-novelist Politics and Religion 591 09-23-2016 01:58 PM
LD varieties richardsharpe Sex in Marriage 136 04-19-2016 01:59 PM
Lack of sex and intimacy Raveslave Sex in Marriage 18 03-10-2016 07:10 PM
What to do? Ray83 Sex in Marriage 32 12-31-2015 09:44 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome