Does sex drive vary from partner to partner? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #46 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:48 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Yes it does. It can vary greatly. I had a girlfriend who was fine with sex once a week and another who wanted it before we went to work, when we got home and then woke me up for more sex in the middle of the night. Between all of that she had sex with other guys and then needed more and got into gang bangs when that was not enough. I did not love her, and she was insatiable, so I really did not care what she did on her own time.

I have had girlfriends in-between those extremes. My wife started off wanting sex a few times a day and even sharing other women with me for more sex, but after menopause her sex drive dropped to only twice a week where it is now in our mid sixties.

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post #47 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:18 AM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
I will go back to David Schnarch.

Two people in just about every aspect of a marriage are HD and LD in many things; bowling, sexual frequency, desire for chocolate ice cream, etc. There is no normal. There is no wrong amount. There is very seldom a "broken."

HD and LD are only relevant in relationship to the married couple. A man in his first marriage may be LD with regards to sexual frequency and in his second marriage he may be far more HD than his second wife. It doesn't mean that the man's desired sexual frequency has changed, it just means it has changed in regards to his wife.

The same can be true before and after children. Before child birth a man might be HD. Then afterwards the Madonna/***** thing kicks in and he goes all LD with the new Madonna. Alternately, the wife before children might have been all HD and afterwards she views herself more of a mother than a sexual companion to her husband and she may go all LD.

I would say that the people you suggest that are neither LD nor HD are in reality one or the other in regards to that aspect of their marriage, it is that they have just worked out a compromise that works for them and their spouse and so it is no longer a point of constant frustration and friction.
I agree for the most part.

However, if my wife is to be believed (and I have absolutely no reason not to) she has never had an actual sex drive.

Yes, we had plenty of it for the first year or so, and it's since devolved into what it is now. It would be easy to say "the relationship was new, therefore it was exciting" - as this is what generally DOES happen.

In some cases, mine included, the drive was never actually there for her. The drive to be a good partner, yes. The drive for actual sex, no.

My wife says she doesn't know what it's like to be horny, prior to actually engaging in sex. She's never been turned on by something, then had the need to have sex or masturbate. She's been attracted to people, in the way that she wants to be around them, or that they'd be a suitable partner for her, but not in a sexual way. Even that guy I mentioned, I don't believe that was a sexual attraction, the way you and I would view it, so much as it was a mountain to climb, a challenge of sorts.

It's funny/sad, but I was not able to explain to her what "horniness" was, and what it does to somebody. One day, it occurred to me that when she and I have sex, she is turned on (responsive desire and all that). So - 'horny'. But only during the act, not before. So right in the middle of it one day, I stopped. She asked me what the hell I was doing. I asked her how she felt right now, at that moment. She said something along the lines of 'well, I don't want you to stop, I'm close!'. I said "that's horny". We talked a little bit about it afterwards, and she understood the feeling. I had to explain to her that this is how people often feel before sex, or simply throughout the day, not just during sex. You're somewhat on edge, your thoughts are consumed by it, it can come and go, but generally speaking, you need that release. So even though she'd always had those feelings during sex, she didn't quite understand that most people have them outside of it, too, because she hadn't.

So people like her enjoy sex (sometimes very much so, like she does), yet do not have the ability to think about it, or have anything that instigates these feelings - save for actually having sex. This is, technically, ND, if you were to put a label on it. However, I would likely say she is HD once we get into it, no joke. It's just the getting there that's the issue. The catalyst to get her there is literally to do it. Whereas the catalyst for most of us could be as simple as a passing thought.

In any case, I believe the labels to be generally true. Yes, my wife and I will have more sex if we're on vacation for 2 weeks. But that's not because she suddenly has a desire for sex. For her, and most others like her, the desire is just not there. There's more sex during these times, because the other 25 things that normally take precedence are not there. She doesn't suddenly gain the ability to get horny. It still all works the same way. But without all of the other distractions around, I think she's a little more cognizant of the fun she could have by having sex. Because she does enjoy sex.

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post #48 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:40 AM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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Alex,
I have a different viewpoint as I doubt that either M2 or I would have the same interaction profile with a different partner.

I would simplify that (profile) as the amount of interaction each of us proactively desires (or is happily agreeable to in a responsive way) for:
- Companionship
- Non sexual touch
- Sex

There is zero chance I'm going clothes shopping with a partner unless they are not only an excellent companion but an excellent companion in high doses.

I could be with someone who finds my interest in science/etc. - boring - who might be more physically attracted to me but less 'into' certain key types of conversations and thus less interested in spending time together.

I don't equate compatibility with me or someone else being good/bad - just a level of 'fit'.

I don't think M2 would be radically different with another partner - but I do not believe I represent a sexually ideal partner for her.
Yeah, I see what you're saying, and I tend to agree somewhat.

I did kind of touch on that in an earlier post. The one in which I mentioned my wife did once have a genuine interest in a guy who she knew would not be a suitable partner.

On the surface, that would seem like it was a purely sexual interest. And although that may very well have been the only goal for her at that time - to have sex with this guy - I don't actually believe it was because she had a burning desire to have sex with him, if that makes sense. I don't believe he, for lack of a better term, made her horny. There were likely a number of mitigating factors in that scenario, which I won't touch on but I truly don't believe that, in her case, involved actual sexual desire.

In terms of being a sexually ideal partner, I believe that I am that for her. She's said as much, and she's not one to make comments like this willy-nilly. In fact, compliments (or statements) of this sort are in short supply to begin with, so when she says something along those lines, they're not made in passing, or BS. So when she tells me I'm hands-down the best **** she's ever had, I take it.

The part that I agree with you about, is that, yes, if I were 6'2" and had a swimmer's build, she may very well enjoy sex with me that much more. But she doesn't think that way. Whether we want to admit it or not, most of us do. Our partners can certainly turn us on, but... they're likely not exactly our ideal. I wish my wife had smaller breasts, and that her vagina was a little bit tighter. Does it really impact my sexual attraction to her? No. But all the same. The sex would be that much better, the same as if I were X, Y or Z. But as it is, our physical sexual compatibility is through the roof, on both sides. It's everything else that doesn't jive.

Like I said, I had the exact opposite problem with my ex wife. NO physical compatibility, but the drive and interest and desire were perfect matches. I genuinely can't say one is better than the other, TBH.

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post #49 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 11:48 AM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Alex,
What you posted is pretty consistent with my views.

I seriously doubt that, in terms of raw physicality, I am M2's best experience. But I have never asked her - who was - and where I rank.

We seem compatible enough, and I'm happy with that. Thing is, I'm no different in the kitchen, on a date or in the bedroom. We are doing stuff together - and so it's important that my contribution to M2's experience is - considerate and positive - other than that - life happens as it happens.



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Yeah, I see what you're saying, and I tend to agree somewhat.

I did kind of touch on that in an earlier post. The one in which I mentioned my wife did once have a genuine interest in a guy who she knew would not be a suitable partner.

On the surface, that would seem like it was a purely sexual interest. And although that may very well have been the only goal for her at that time - to have sex with this guy - I don't actually believe it was because she had a burning desire to have sex with him, if that makes sense. I don't believe he, for lack of a better term, made her horny. There were likely a number of mitigating factors in that scenario, which I won't touch on but I truly don't believe that, in her case, involved actual sexual desire.

In terms of being a sexually ideal partner, I believe that I am that for her. She's said as much, and she's not one to make comments like this willy-nilly. In fact, compliments (or statements) of this sort are in short supply to begin with, so when she says something along those lines, they're not made in passing, or BS. So when she tells me I'm hands-down the best **** she's ever had, I take it.

The part that I agree with you about, is that, yes, if I were 6'2" and had a swimmer's build, she may very well enjoy sex with me that much more. But she doesn't think that way. Whether we want to admit it or not, most of us do. Our partners can certainly turn us on, but... they're likely not exactly our ideal. I wish my wife had smaller breasts, and that her vagina was a little bit tighter. Does it really impact my sexual attraction to her? No. But all the same. The sex would be that much better, the same as if I were X, Y or Z. But as it is, our physical sexual compatibility is through the roof, on both sides. It's everything else that doesn't jive.

Like I said, I had the exact opposite problem with my ex wife. NO physical compatibility, but the drive and interest and desire were perfect matches. I genuinely can't say one is better than the other, TBH.
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post #50 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:20 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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....if my wife is to be believed.....he has never had an actual sex drive.

.......The drive to be a good partner, yes. The drive for actual sex, no.

My wife says she doesn't know what it's like to be horny, prior to actually engaging in sex.....

It's funny/sad, but I was not able to explain to her what "horniness" was, and what it does to somebody. One day, it occurred to me that when she and I have sex, she is turned on (responsive desire and all that). So - 'horny'. But only during the act, not before. So right in the middle of it one day, I stopped. She asked me what the hell I was doing. I asked her how she felt right now, at that moment. She said something along the lines of 'well, I don't want you to stop, I'm close!'. I said "that's horny". We talked a little bit about it afterwards, and she understood the feeling. I had to explain to her that this is how people often feel before sex, or simply throughout the day, not just during sex. You're somewhat on edge, your thoughts are consumed by it, it can come and go, but generally speaking, you need that release. So even though she'd always had those feelings during sex, she didn't quite understand that most people have them outside of it, too, because she hadn't.

So people like her enjoy sex (sometimes very much so, like she does), yet do not have the ability to think about it, or have anything that instigates these feelings - save for actually having sex. This is, technically, ND, if you were to put a label on it. However, I would likely say she is HD once we get into it, no joke. It's just the getting there that's the issue. The catalyst to get her there is literally to do it. Whereas the catalyst for most of us could be as simple as a passing thought.

In any case, I believe the labels to be generally true. Yes, my wife and I will have more sex if we're on vacation for 2 weeks. But that's not because she suddenly has a desire for sex. For her, and most others like her, the desire is just not there. There's more sex during these times, because the other 25 things that normally take precedence are not there. She doesn't suddenly gain the ability to get horny. It still all works the same way. But without all of the other distractions around, I think she's a little more cognizant of the fun she could have by having sex. Because she does enjoy sex.
Thanks for sharing! I agree for the most part.

I think I understand the degree that some spouses just don't put a priority on sex and even when they are aroused (or on the verge of arousal) can just put the brakes on everything. Once. while hugging, kissing, and touching in bed, I had my wife stop me, look me in the eyes and say "don't touch me down there. If you touch me like that I will want to have sex with you. I don't want to have sex right now."

It was sort of like Sex is not on my priorities right now, but if you continue I will "want" to have sex with you. That might be an understanding that if things continue much more, she will become "horny" and need to go for the O. At least she knows her body and that if aroused she very much enjoys sex.

I do like the way you explained to your wife what horny felt like. Good Job!

Interesting observation on vacation sex.

As to no sex drive, I think it is there, just suppressed or very low. I think that my wife has a sex drive, but that it is just very low (compared to mine) and a low priority to her. Usually, if we go for say a week and a half to two weeks between sex due to illness, stress, work or other reasons, my wife will literally "jump my bones." Of course I will be totally desperate as well. Still, I think that means she has a strong sex drive, just much lower than mine. I would wager that with a man who had a much lower sex drive than mine, she might be viewed as the HD partner. Again, that is partly why I feel that HD/LD labels are strictly relative to the couple, and mean nothing in absolute terms.

I also agree with your concept of her having a high drive to be a "good partner" more so than a high drive to be a sexual partner. I think that is partially why the sex therapist that saved our marriage helped us negotiate to twice a week, which we both seem to be able to enjoy.
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post #51 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:49 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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My wife started off wanting sex a few times a day and even sharing other women with me for more sex, but after menopause her sex drive dropped to only twice a week where it is now in our mid sixties.
Well you certainly got your money's worth out of her.
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post #52 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:51 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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My sexual attraction for my current wife, much like Fozzy, has definitely diminished over time, and I feel as though it will eventually reach the point of 'zero'. We have not been together even close to 14 years.
Alex, have you told her this? If so, what was her reaction? If not, do you think it would matter to her?

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post #53 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:00 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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Thanks for sharing! I agree for the most part.

I think I understand the degree that some spouses just don't put a priority on sex and even when they are aroused (or on the verge of arousal) can just put the brakes on everything. Once. while hugging, kissing, and touching in bed, I had my wife stop me, look me in the eyes and say "don't touch me down there. If you touch me like that I will want to have sex with you. I don't want to have sex right now."

It was sort of like Sex is not on my priorities right now, but if you continue I will "want" to have sex with you. That might be an understanding that if things continue much more, she will become "horny" and need to go for the O. At least she knows her body and that if aroused she very much enjoys sex.

I do like the way you explained to your wife what horny felt like. Good Job!

Interesting observation on vacation sex.

As to no sex drive, I think it is there, just suppressed or very low. I think that my wife has a sex drive, but that it is just very low (compared to mine) and a low priority to her. Usually, if we go for say a week and a half to two weeks between sex due to illness, stress, work or other reasons, my wife will literally "jump my bones." Of course I will be totally desperate as well. Still, I think that means she has a strong sex drive, just much lower than mine. I would wager that with a man who had a much lower sex drive than mine, she might be viewed as the HD partner. Again, that is partly why I feel that HD/LD labels are strictly relative to the couple, and mean nothing in absolute terms.

I also agree with your concept of her having a high drive to be a "good partner" more so than a high drive to be a sexual partner. I think that is partially why the sex therapist that saved our marriage helped us negotiate to twice a week, which we both seem to be able to enjoy.
Although there are many similarities between your wife and mine, I'm not sure they're the same in the long run.

From what you've said, I'd venture to say that your wife suppresses her drive more than anything. That doesn't mean she's actually super HD and just hides it. I think she may have somewhat arbitrarily decided on what's 'too much' sex for her. ie. Whatever she's comfortable with. Or more likely, she decides well in advance whether she's going to have sex or not. Like first thing in the morning, perhaps. Or as she's getting ready for bed. And no matter what happens, she won't budge from that decision.

It's also quite possible, if I can go on a short tangent, that her expression of "don't go there" isn't entirely truthful. You certainly know her better than anyone, but have you ever considered that she doesn't entirely mean what she says? I mean, it's dangerous territory, but I've on occasion not exactly listened to my wife before and it's ended up with some amazing experiences. I learned a while ago that my wife's preference is to be taken. Not quite overpowered, and definitely not forced, but a little animalistic. And as with almost all women, she also responds very very well when she's clearly pushing the right buttons and I simply can't contain/control myself. She's gone so far as to say that, every now and again, she actually wants me to wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am her. When I reacted with shock, wondering exactly WHY she'd want me to pound her for 2 minutes and not really spend any time on her, she remarked that it shows an uncontrollable desire for her, which makes her feel good. Ironically, I've expressed the exact same thing to her - that I would absolutely love for her to simply jump on top of me and ride me until she was done.

As well, and this is something I learned only a few years ago, but she does not want me to always spend as much time on her as I usually do. She wants me to enjoy myself, as well. It's like she sometimes doesn't feel like she deserves it or something. It has nothing to do with pressure, as she's easily multi-orgasmic. It's just that, like many people, a big part of enjoying sex is that your partner is enjoying it as well.

Just a thought, but perhaps your wife may also be open to occasional, more animalistic sexual experiences from you. Not where she's being used, but more that you simply can't control yourself, you need to put it in as quickly as possible, and you give her a good thrashing. I was surprised that my wife would actually encourage this, but I do think she trusts that it would not become the norm. But I do get it, as I would love for her to do this exact same thing to me, on occasion. Just not always!

Anyway, by contrast, my wife has (or would) never stop me from going there. As she is responsive desire, by the time I'd be "going there", she'd be ready to go, so to speak. If we're hugging, kissing and touching in bed, she'll be in the mood.

As well, she would never jump my bones, as you say, regardless of how long it's been. So your wife does have a drive, it's just not often. Mine simply does not. If it's been a while, it's not on her mind. For your wife, that doesn't seem to be true. It just takes longer than the rest of us to get to that point. The drive exists, it just works slower than most.

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post #54 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 10:28 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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Tried googling it but it mostly brings up how to cope with an LD partner. (which is relevant too).
I just wondered whether sex drive intensity is something that is constant from partner to partner (discounting first few months of a relationship which is fuelled by hormones) or whether it is partner-dependent. or whether it's a combination of both.
It's mostly a question for women.
I guess I am trying to work out whether my wife's drive would be different if she was with a partner who she found more attractive.
How do you stop finding your wife attractive? (or as attractive). I wish there was a pill to accomplish this. It's painful to go to bed some nights when there's this emptiness. Porn doesn't seem to help as much as it used to. It seems it is her that I need.


For Mrs.CuddleBug, I asked her, if she met a country music star, would she want crazy sex with him all night? She looks at me, smiles, grins, but in the end, no. Her insecurities about her size are still the root problem that she isn't willing to address.

I stopped finding her attractive when all she did was talk and talk, nothing changes or gets accomplished and her LD and size are still an on going issue......

I too go to bed feeling empty. The physical connection = emotional connection for me isn't there with Mrs.CuddleBug.

Agreed. Occasional porn viewing only gets rid of the symptom and it's not a real solution.

A pill? Were can I buy it????

A woman that takes care of herself, dresses sexy and rocks my world because she is HD, I would be the happiest guy on earth.......

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post #55 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 11:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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Yes it does. It can vary greatly. I had a girlfriend who was fine with sex once a week and another who wanted it before we went to work, when we got home and then woke me up for more sex in the middle of the night. Between all of that she had sex with other guys and then needed more and got into gang bangs when that was not enough. I did not love her, and she was insatiable, so I really did not care what she did on her own time.

I have had girlfriends in-between those extremes. My wife started off wanting sex a few times a day and even sharing other women with me for more sex, but after menopause her sex drive dropped to only twice a week where it is now in our mid sixties.
Sorry I didn't phrase my question well. I meant does the sex drive of one and the same partner differ when they are with other partners?
There seems to be a general assumption (forgive me if I am wrong) that the majority of the time, an LD/ND partner will remain the same with others. I am not certain this is the case (ND: perhaps, LD: not sure). If it is not the case, then it follows that part of the 'problem'/issue may be yourself (myself, in my case).
I am not sure what it means in practical terms; I can't exactly make myself hotter for my wife than I am so it is what it is, basically.
I think a slight mismatch is not a bad thing, on balance. The problem is extremes.
First point of inquiry is try to establish WHY there is a mismatch. This can be a difficult and long process.
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post #56 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 11:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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Although there are many similarities between your wife and mine, I'm not sure they're the same in the long run.

From what you've said, I'd venture to say that your wife suppresses her drive more than anything. That doesn't mean she's actually super HD and just hides it. I think she may have somewhat arbitrarily decided on what's 'too much' sex for her. ie. Whatever she's comfortable with. Or more likely, she decides well in advance whether she's going to have sex or not. Like first thing in the morning, perhaps. Or as she's getting ready for bed. And no matter what happens, she won't budge from that decision.

It's also quite possible, if I can go on a short tangent, that her expression of "don't go there" isn't entirely truthful. You certainly know her better than anyone, but have you ever considered that she doesn't entirely mean what she says? I mean, it's dangerous territory, but I've on occasion not exactly listened to my wife before and it's ended up with some amazing experiences. I learned a while ago that my wife's preference is to be taken. Not quite overpowered, and definitely not forced, but a little animalistic. And as with almost all women, she also responds very very well when she's clearly pushing the right buttons and I simply can't contain/control myself. She's gone so far as to say that, every now and again, she actually wants me to wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am her. When I reacted with shock, wondering exactly WHY she'd want me to pound her for 2 minutes and not really spend any time on her, she remarked that it shows an uncontrollable desire for her, which makes her feel good. Ironically, I've expressed the exact same thing to her - that I would absolutely love for her to simply jump on top of me and ride me until she was done.

As well, and this is something I learned only a few years ago, but she does not want me to always spend as much time on her as I usually do. She wants me to enjoy myself, as well. It's like she sometimes doesn't feel like she deserves it or something. It has nothing to do with pressure, as she's easily multi-orgasmic. It's just that, like many people, a big part of enjoying sex is that your partner is enjoying it as well.

Just a thought, but perhaps your wife may also be open to occasional, more animalistic sexual experiences from you. Not where she's being used, but more that you simply can't control yourself, you need to put it in as quickly as possible, and you give her a good thrashing. I was surprised that my wife would actually encourage this, but I do think she trusts that it would not become the norm. But I do get it, as I would love for her to do this exact same thing to me, on occasion. Just not always!

Anyway, by contrast, my wife has (or would) never stop me from going there. As she is responsive desire, by the time I'd be "going there", she'd be ready to go, so to speak. If we're hugging, kissing and touching in bed, she'll be in the mood.

As well, she would never jump my bones, as you say, regardless of how long it's been. So your wife does have a drive, it's just not often. Mine simply does not. If it's been a while, it's not on her mind. For your wife, that doesn't seem to be true. It just takes longer than the rest of us to get to that point. The drive exists, it just works slower than most.
Same here. From everything I read so far from you, it seems there are many similarities. I am just surprised you'd classify your wife as ND. I would have thought ND = not interested in sex at all. I must read up on the definitions..."Responsive desire" is a new term for me. I wouldn't have thought RD is possible in combination with ND. Aren't most women who don't initiate but eventually enjoy sex ND and RD then? Isn't it just a behavioural custom for them? (Perhaps more modest/introvert/shy women are like this?)
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post #57 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 11:41 AM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Sure, sex drive has varied with partner. Some partners have had a high drive, and some a low drive. I don't keep the latter around long. I could be happy with one HD woman, or perhaps a half-dozen LD!

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post #58 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 12:13 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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I meant does the sex drive of one and the same partner differ when they are with other partners?
Yes, of course it varies. Often a LD is not LD in general, they are simply LD with their current partner. Hurts to realize this when you are the HD but is often the case.

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post #59 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 01:40 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
Same here. From everything I read so far from you, it seems there are many similarities. I am just surprised you'd classify your wife as ND. I would have thought ND = not interested in sex at all. I must read up on the definitions..."Responsive desire" is a new term for me. I wouldn't have thought RD is possible in combination with ND. Aren't most women who don't initiate but eventually enjoy sex ND and RD then? Isn't it just a behavioural custom for them? (Perhaps more modest/introvert/shy women are like this?)
Yes, it's confusing, isn't it? lol! Welcome to my world. It has taken years to even begin to figure it out...

So she's ND in the context that she literally never thinks about sex, and never has. This, obviously, is her claim, but I have absolutely no reason to not believe it. She has never been 'horny' in her life, or otherwise in 'need' of sex, or orgasm. She never once masturbated until her early 30's (and even then, it lasted a few months, tops. She had gone to a sex toy party with friends, bought something, maybe to fit in with the others, and gave it a whirl. Does not get used on her own at all, anymore. Occasionally comes out with me around.)

Responsive desire is not uncommon amongst LD, or even ND people. True, ND literally means "no" desire/drive. But ND doesn't mean "never have sex". It just means there's never an urge for sex (or masturbation, or orgasm). Or need for it, for that matter. Most of us need sex (or masturbation, or orgasm).

Responsive desire is pretty much exactly what it sounds like it would be. Most of us have, or are capable of, spontaneous desire. We see, or think about something sexual, or someone. We become aroused, and we then require an outlet for this arousal.

I cut and pasted this from some website I just googled:

"Responsive desire ... looks like this. You aren’t aroused at all, but then your husband starts rubbing your back, or stroking your hair, or kissing you and you start to think “Hmm, that feels good…I might be up for some sex”. Or maybe it’s Friday night and you “always” have sex Friday night. You know, it’s not scheduled … but it’s expected. So you allow your husband to undress you and start kissing you and you’re thinking “Well, I’ll do this for him”. You’re not really aroused and so, with the help of lube, sex begins and then you start feeling something. Then you start to think “Oh, wow, that’s starting to feel good. Maybe I do want this….oh yeah, I definitely want this.” That’s responsive desire"

Now, men tend to have spontaneous desire, whereas women tend to have responsive desire - on average. However, most women also have spontaneous desire, and most men also have responsive desire. It's just that each gender tends to skew one way.

Most people, whether LD or HD, have a certain threshold in which sex suddenly becomes a requirement. Even those who count themselves as LD have a limit. I'm fairly normal drive, and I'm not sure I could go longer than a week without some sort of sexual contact, with or without a partner.

Somebody who is ND can likely go forever (or darn close to it). My wife has said that she has gone over a year without anything (solo or partnered) - more than once in her life. When I started dating her, she hadn't had sex in 8 or 9 months. Even better, that was the only time in about 14 months. And that one time wasn't with some random dude because she 'needed' sex - it was with the guy she had been with for the previous 3 years. They had sex once in the last year they were together. Then 8+ months before I came along.

Now, having been with her for ~9 years now, I can tell you she LIKES sex. When we have it. She just doesn't need it, require it, or even desire it. She has no idea why. She knows she fully enjoys it, loves orgasms, loves my **** inside her, etc etc etc. When we get going, she's the absolute best, and I kid you not, she'd put most of the women here to shame

With her ex, she not only had the same no desire for sex, period, she had no desire for sex with him. For starters, he was a selfish lover. 3 minutes or less, according to her. It was all about him, and also on his schedule. Not a recipe for a willing partner, ND, LD or HD.

With me, I don't demand sex. I don't bug her about it, or pressure her. It's not on my schedule, when I want it or how I want it. It's not one-sided. I also pay attention to her (too much sometimes, as it turns out...). She enjoys herself, therefore she's willing to do it. With her ex, she was getting nothing out of it. Responsive desire never kicked in, because there was nothing to respond TO.

Below is the link to the article I quoted. I believe this sums up your wife perfectly. Mine doesn't quite fit this model, unfortunately, so sex is 100% always up to me, in a manner of speaking.

Responsive vs spontaneous desire - Uncovering Intimacy

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."

Last edited by alexm; 03-10-2017 at 01:48 PM.
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post #60 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 05:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Thanks for the article and the info. I will pass it on and report back...

I think the fact that your wife has masturbated and used sex toys at all, surely shows that some "spontaneous desire" must be there?

I throw lots of money at sex toys (many of them still unopened) and I think she did use one of those vibrating egg things a couple of times (because i told her to, apparently. I have to travel a lot and must have said to use them, if she's desperate). But she says she'd rather wait for me so it was never used again.

Recently (in the last year or two), she has started to come up to me periodically (every 3 days or so).
We used to argue a lot in the past about the fact that rejection hurts too much so I just said why doesn't she come to me whenever she is in the mood, since I am ALWAYS in the mood for her (which is true) and my own 'responsive desire' can go from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds.
So I don't know whether she comes to me because she wants to or because it is time. (She says she wants to but it seems unlikely because this is a new pattern for her). Once she starts going, she can get very involved, like yours it seems.

A friend of mine tells me alcohol sometimes can make wonders on getting the woman extremely horny (haven't tried it). Me dominating her (and controlling her 'horniness') seems to have worked best so far. She doesn't seem to enjoy sensual stuff as much, if it doesn't evolve into a more dominating experience later on.
It seems you found the same and it's kind of strange to witness this transformation which seems so out of character otherwise...

Yes it's all quite fascinating. It comes down to the realisation that the partner's brain and wiring can be very different and one has to accept & learn to navigate it somehow.
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