Same here. From everything I read so far from you, it seems there are many similarities. I am just surprised you'd classify your wife as ND. I would have thought ND = not interested in sex at all. I must read up on the definitions..."Responsive desire" is a new term for me. I wouldn't have thought RD is possible in combination with ND. Aren't most women who don't initiate but eventually enjoy sex ND and RD then? Isn't it just a behavioural custom for them? (Perhaps more modest/introvert/shy women are like this?)
Yes, it's confusing, isn't it? lol! Welcome to my world. It has taken years to even begin to figure it out...
So she's ND in the context that she literally never thinks about sex, and never has. This, obviously, is her claim, but I have absolutely no reason to not believe it. She has never been 'horny' in her life, or otherwise in 'need' of sex, or orgasm. She never once masturbated until her early 30's (and even then, it lasted a few months, tops. She had gone to a sex toy party with friends, bought something, maybe to fit in with the others, and gave it a whirl. Does not get used on her own at all, anymore. Occasionally comes out with me around.)
Responsive desire is not uncommon amongst LD, or even ND people. True, ND literally means "no" desire/drive. But ND doesn't mean "never have sex". It just means there's never an urge
for sex (or masturbation, or orgasm). Or need for it, for that matter. Most of us need
sex (or masturbation, or orgasm).
Responsive desire is pretty much exactly what it sounds like it would be. Most of us have, or are capable of, spontaneous desire. We see, or think about something sexual, or someone
. We become aroused, and we then require an outlet for this arousal.
I cut and pasted this from some website I just googled:
"Responsive desire ... looks like this. You aren’t aroused at all, but then your husband starts rubbing your back, or stroking your hair, or kissing you and you start to think “Hmm, that feels good…I might be up for some sex”. Or maybe it’s Friday night and you “always” have sex Friday night. You know, it’s not scheduled … but it’s expected. So you allow your husband to undress you and start kissing you and you’re thinking “Well, I’ll do this for him”. You’re not really aroused and so, with the help of lube, sex begins and then you start feeling something. Then you start to think “Oh, wow, that’s starting to feel good. Maybe I do want this….oh yeah, I definitely want this.” That’s responsive desire"
Now, men tend to have spontaneous desire, whereas women tend to have responsive desire - on average. However, most women also have spontaneous desire, and most men also have responsive desire. It's just that each gender tends to skew one way.
Most people, whether LD or HD, have a certain threshold in which sex suddenly becomes a requirement. Even those who count themselves as LD have a limit. I'm fairly normal drive, and I'm not sure I could go longer than a week without some sort of sexual contact, with or without a partner.
Somebody who is ND can likely go forever (or darn close to it). My wife has said that she has gone over a year without anything (solo or partnered) - more than once
in her life. When I started dating her, she hadn't had sex in 8 or 9 months. Even better, that was the only time in about 14 months. And that one time wasn't with some random dude because she 'needed' sex - it was with the guy she had been with for the previous 3 years. They had sex once in the last year they were together. Then 8+ months before I came along.
Now, having been with her for ~9 years now, I can tell you she LIKES sex. When we have it. She just doesn't need it, require it, or even desire it. She has no idea why. She knows she fully enjoys it, loves orgasms, loves my **** inside her, etc etc etc. When we get going, she's the absolute best, and I kid you not, she'd put most of the women here to shame
With her ex, she not only had the same no desire for sex, period, she had no desire for sex with him
. For starters, he was a selfish lover. 3 minutes or less, according to her. It was all about him, and also on his schedule. Not a recipe for a willing partner, ND, LD or HD.
With me, I don't demand sex. I don't bug her about it, or pressure her. It's not on my schedule, when I want it or how
I want it. It's not one-sided. I also pay attention to her (too much sometimes, as it turns out...). She enjoys herself, therefore she's willing to do it. With her ex, she was getting nothing out of it. Responsive desire never kicked in, because there was nothing to respond TO.
Below is the link to the article I quoted. I believe this sums up your wife perfectly. Mine doesn't quite fit this model, unfortunately, so sex is 100% always up to me, in a manner of speaking. Responsive vs spontaneous desire - Uncovering Intimacy