Does sex drive vary from partner to partner? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #76 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 08:43 AM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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Sounds like a masturbation piece.
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Sounds like coitus
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post #77 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 09:37 AM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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Have you ever turned your wife down, Fozzy?
I'm sure I probably did at some point early in the relationship, but I haven't in a very long time.

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post #78 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 11:01 AM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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I'm sure I probably did at some point early in the relationship, but I haven't in a very long time.
Sorry things have not improved fo you, brother.

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post #79 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 11:38 AM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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Originally Posted by Andrew Dixon View Post
I think it does. My wife has no sex drive at all. She hasn't for almost 4yrs. Hand and a few websites and fantacy thinking. I love my wife even though this no sex thing really pisses me off.


It will get worse with time. Has the resentment started yet?
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post #80 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 07:20 AM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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I think the fact that your wife has masturbated and used sex toys at all, surely shows that some "spontaneous desire" must be there?

It seems like it, but I'd have to say no, in all honesty.

Like I said, she went to a sex toy party a friend of hers was having. She had never owned a sex toy before, and had shrugged off any suggestions that her and I go 'shopping' before that. I strongly believe that she actually bought something because everybody else did. If I recall correctly, she used it for the first time with me present. Now, any woman out there will tell you that an orgasm from a vibrator is entirely different. Just doesn't compare.

The next ~3 months, it got used fairly regularly, with and without me. Totally fine with that. Excited, actually! Then it seemed to stop, and it only ever came out with me. It still does, maybe once out of every 6 or 8 times.

I'm not convinced those 3 months of solo use were anything more than novelty, something new and different, that sort of thing. Considering she claims to have never masturbated, period (with or without toys), I can imagine the novelty of it from her perspective. FWIW, she's highly orgasmic to begin with. Oral sex will get her off in a minute or less, and it's the same with a vibrator, except with a different type of orgasm.

In short, I don't think this suddenly gave her an actual sex drive for a few months. I do think it was responsive desire, as well as novelty. The response being to the fact that there was this $150 magic vibrating thingy in a drawer a foot away from her, with all her socks. So every day when she grabbed a pair of socks, there it was. She was probably already in a state of undress, so why not? And for those 3 months, we didn't have any more OR less sex, nor did she use the toy with me every time, either.

And I'm 99.9% certain it hasn't been touched by her solo since that 3 month period several years ago.


I throw lots of money at sex toys (many of them still unopened) and I think she did use one of those vibrating egg things a couple of times (because i told her to, apparently. I have to travel a lot and must have said to use them, if she's desperate). But she says she'd rather wait for me so it was never used again.

I'll add to this, too. Despite you not thinking you pressured her in any way, she likely sees it differently. My wife has that personality. It's frustrating at times. To the point where, if I don't word something properly, she'll take it as an order, a demand, etc. It's entirely possible that I said the word "vibrator" at the end of this 3 month period, and my wife got turned off of the whole thing... I joke, but it's probably more likely than I think...

I quite clearly remember not even mentioning her new toy during this period, not even in a positive way. Not even suggesting she pull it out with me. I let her do all of that. It was her thing, not mine, and she was in charge of it.

And is the thing I have to wrap my head around sometimes. If I travelled for work a lot (I don't), and bought her sex toys for her to use in my absence, she'd see those as nothing more than a surrogate. She'd view it as me telling her "hey, use these when I'm not available", thereby making sex toys and more importantly, masturbation, an extension of ME. "Can't have me, use this!" Whereas the entire thing with my wife was totally her own decision and thoughts, including the usage of it. So absolutely no pressure (real or imagined) for her. Therefore MUCH more open to things that she'd otherwise not be into in the first place.


Recently (in the last year or two), she has started to come up to me periodically (every 3 days or so).
We used to argue a lot in the past about the fact that rejection hurts too much so I just said why doesn't she come to me whenever she is in the mood, since I am ALWAYS in the mood for her (which is true) and my own 'responsive desire' can go from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds.
So I don't know whether she comes to me because she wants to or because it is time. (She says she wants to but it seems unlikely because this is a new pattern for her). Once she starts going, she can get very involved, like yours it seems.

We've gone through periods like this, too, though we seem to have settled in on a happy medium at the moment.

From my POV, when my wife would do this, it was a conscious decision on her part, not a "I'm horny, I'd like to have sex" thing. The important thing is to not take it as her throwing you a bone, or based on pity - which is easy to do. Ideally, we'd like our wives to actually BE horny, and desire US (as well as sex), but that's not the reality. My wife CAN get like that, but being responsive desire, it's me who has to start that ball rolling. Then she's all over me, and 'needs' it. But for folks like us, our wives aren't going to ambush us on the couch, when we're minding our own business watching baseball because they're horny and want sex.

For that matter, and I don't know how your wife operates, but when mine does "initiate", it's not... sexy? As in, she's not turned on, horny, excited. She will be, but not at that moment. Know what I mean? She's not coming to me because SHE wants sex. She's coming to me because I want sex, and she's open to it. She'll get turned on afterwards, once we've actually begun.


A friend of mine tells me alcohol sometimes can make wonders on getting the woman extremely horny (haven't tried it). Me dominating her (and controlling her 'horniness') seems to have worked best so far. She doesn't seem to enjoy sensual stuff as much, if it doesn't evolve into a more dominating experience later on.
It seems you found the same and it's kind of strange to witness this transformation which seems so out of character otherwise...

I tend to agree with this, and have experienced it with my wife as well. I'm not convinced alcohol makes her horny, per se. Just that it lowers her inhibitions considerably, and she's far less self-conscious when she's had a few drinks. More open to things like PDA's, screwing around, and yes, sex.


Yes it's all quite fascinating. It comes down to the realisation that the partner's brain and wiring can be very different and one has to accept & learn to navigate it somehow.

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post #81 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 07:39 AM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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Originally Posted by UncoveringIntimacy View Post
Hey, I wrote the article and I would disagree with some of your terms. They don't match the accepted definitions.

Spontaneous desire would be suddenly wanting sex without any seemingly outside stimulus.
Responsive desire is desiring sex after a sexual context has been introduced, it could be anything from a look to being half way through actual sex.
No desire would be asexual. They don't want sex, even when they're having sex. They don't get aroused at all and are only doing it for you. They get absolutely nothing out of it.

Fair enough. I'm not sure ND = asexuality, though, but I won't argue with you, as you know more about the subject than I do!

But over all, you're correct I think. My experience is based around my observations and knowledge of my wife. She's always maintained she's never had true desire for sex, yet it's quite clear she has responsive desire. She identifies herself as asexual, and I don't think she's wrong, yet I quietly feel that she's hardcore responsive desire more than anything. The thing is, the murky definition and checklists of asexuality do seem to identify her as such.

For her, as I've said, her drive kicks in once real, actual, sexual contact has begun. Not sexual touch, massaging, or even deep kissing - I'm talking clothes off, oral sex, manual stimulation, etc. Direct genital stimulation. Not before.


That said, some asexual people DO actually enjoy sex, once they're having it, and can be orgasmic as well. Those that do, don't have an aversion to sex. They just simply have no interest in it, before or after, nor a desire to do it again. Even if they enjoy the physical or emotional aspect of it, or orgasm etc. It's almost literally 'in the moment'. Some asexuals DO have an aversion to sex, which is a different thing altogether. Obviously, they avoid sex or sexuality altogether, or they 'take one for the team'. Or they simply never have sex, period.

"However, most women also have spontaneous desire, and most men also have responsive desire. It's just that each gender tends to skew one way."
I'm not sure that's the case. 30% of women will never experience spontaneous desire, however that doesn't mean they all exhibit spontaneous desire now. As women age, they're more and more likely to become solely responsive desire only. "most" seems a little strong. And "skew" doesn't quite describe just how polarized the genders are on the types.

This is what I took from your article. That women tend to be responsive desire more than men, and men tend to be spontaneous desire more than women. However, each gender is fully capable of being the other at times. When I say "skew", I mean each gender, more often than not, stays on their side of the fence, so to speak. I don't think I said ALL women can have spontaneous desire, or ALL mean can have responsive desire.

The other issue is that the term "sex drive" really hides a far more complicated system. There are many different parts of the brain involved, and so a particular woman's "sex drive" can change dramatically from context to context. Stress, sleep, history, theology, hydration, diet, temperature, location, and a create many other things, all get rolled into desire. And then there's physical and mental arousal, which are completely different things that are linked through another mechanism. For women, their arousal concordance (the link between mental and physical) is around 10% on average.

Anyways, to answer the original question, yes, sex drive can vary from partner to partner, because the context changes. It can also change during a single relationship if you can improve the context. I know, because my marriage was technically sexless for the first 7 years. You can contact me through my blog (UncoveringIntimacy.com) if you have further questions. I may not see a response here.

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post #82 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 12:23 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

I know that, for some women at least (and I would presume all to some extent), that their drive, or desire can vary dramatically from person to person. There are many reasons for this. A key factor being the quality of the relationship. "Quality" being used as a catch-all for all the things that make a relationship special and nice. Of course there are also many physical factors that also influence this, but I would say that for many people most come into play.
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post #83 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 12:49 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

I had another take on this. Some partners lived farther away, so the sex drive was longer. And some lived in more mountainous areas, so that involved a higher drive. Occasionally the ones at the beach (sea level) - a closer, lower drive - were better partners, though. So, my sex drive varied, but was always worth it. I'm only talking about those in drivable distance - not those requiring air travel.

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post #84 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:17 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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Interesting point of view. Are you sure the arranged marriages prove this and not the fact that society pushed women to be more obedient and just learn to live with the sorry situation that they have been forced into? They did not have an alternative to begin with really.

This is the thing and I don't want to open pandora's boxes but it seems to me somewhat irrational to leave yourself/myself (or anyone) and my wife's attraction levels/intensity towards me out of the equation completely. From your writing, it makes a lot of sense to explain basically almost any type of behaviour and navigate through it with success (as far as it is possible, given the pre-requisites of each other's attractions). But I am not sure it would be good enough, in the big picture, if one of the main underlying causes for ND/LD/SD (slow drive)/NR etc was the fact that she just wasn't as into me as she could be, if she found a more compatible partner. This seems like a vital piece to me that might be missing from your reasoning and I assume many people's reasoning, because it is just a very painful truth that one can not really do that much about. (If it is even true.)
Have you examined how sexual attraction works on a biological level? (Hormones, pheromones etc). It would seem to me that instinctive/animalistic/subconscious elements play a MUCH more important role in partner selection or how one feels about their partner throughout the relationship, rather than their willingness to drop the pride & selfishness etc. Of course changing certain behavioural patterns consciously (being more considerate, intimate, willing etc) can go some way, but not all the way...And it would be biologically unnatural to force it.

Ok this is a longwinded way to say this: say there was another male, like myself, but my wife had a significantly stronger attraction for him (without jumping through all the hoops to get herself there). If I was considerate and really loved her altruistically, I should break up with her & let her be with that partner, because in the long run, there is a MUCH higher probability that she will be more fulfilled. Of course I am not really able to do this, due to selfishness (and due to the fact that I may still be missing something). But it seems (in the words of Spock) the only logical course of action. Or at least something worth considering.

But the other voice in me tells me that the bit that I might be missing, I think, is that sexual attraction (no matter how complex) may be just one of the many components that contribute towards a soup of various ingredients, to give the relationship a higher or lower chance of success (there are so many others, including superficial things like bank account balance/ability to provide). However the woman's sexual attraction part towards her counterpart, I think, is one of the more important ones (I would guess it would make up at least 70%), hence why I focus so much on it. I think without it (or if the attraction is weak), there's really not such a high chance to succeed. I sometimes wonder whether all these terms (ND/LD/RD etc) are in fact there making us avoid the real issue. Because on the other end of the spectrum, the answer to my question seems to be "of course her sex drive will manifest itself differently with somebody else". Would we not be fighting a loosing battle, if that was the case?

.

Anything in particular that you did? Any books you'd recommend how to make it "deeper & intimate"? I know what you mean; it is really impossible to write these things down in a few paragraphs. That's why I enjoyed your articles: the flow is great & very comprehensible.

I've avoided this thread because I couldn't offer any reasonable advice. I still can't but I have to say that I think the woman's drive is more complex than even I can fathom. I've noticed changes in my sexual persona over the last year that were surprising, and more recently, concerning.

I can say for certain that my sex drive varies from partner to partner. It was at zero with my last. My current partner: I've never obsessed so much about sex with anyone prior; I've never enjoyed the act itself as much; I've never felt so comfortable being super freaky with another. Basically, I don't think it's possible to be any more sexually compatible than we are.

The first thing I started noticing about a year ago: I observed myself enjoying the sex with him in a way I never felt before. There was something nurturing about it and filling. It was no longer just raw lusting. Like he belonged in my vagina or something.

Next I noticed my own moaning. One time I was on top of him for quite some time and realized I wasn't making any sounds. Immediately I thought, I hope he doesn't think I'm not enjoying it. Then I started to wonder if I've been faking moaning all this time? Do women just do it to make men feel good? But it comes so naturally?? Except when I'm on top? I still haven't figured that one out, it screws with my head too much.

Then I realized that after sex, sometimes I still wanted to masturbate till orgasm. This is even after having multiple orgasms from sex and feeling so satisfied that I don't want any more sex. Do I just want to masturbate because we've been long distance for some time and that's what I'm used to? If that was the case wouldn't I have experienced this with others after being single and only masturbating for quite some time? How can I not want to orgasm any more from sex with him but still want to bring my own self to orgasm, especially when they're both clitoral orgasms?

More recently I started noticing that I'm not spontaneously horny in the way I've known myself to be for my entire sexual life. Prior to the last year, I would think about sex at least once every half hour. My panties would be constantly soaked. I couldn't go to sleep without thinking about sex. The only lucid dreams I ever had were sex related. I didn't just recognize I was in a dream, I was able to do crazy sexual stuff because I knew there would be zero repercussions.

Less spontaneous horniness towards my partner yet every now and then I want to masturbate, without my partner. WTH?! I feel like I just don't want sex as much as I used to before. Could it be that I'm just getting too much??

The sex is still just as good. Honestly its better than it has ever been because he's now into oral(giving), anal and satisfies my obsession with bjs better. I'm happier than I've ever been.

So I don't quite understand what's happening to my sexuality. I'm worried that I'm becoming LD. And I'm concerned about what other changes will come next. It's all very strange.
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post #85 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 06:44 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Lot of good stuff here - and then - what I consider total nonsense - the bit about compatibility.

Plenty of women I just would not sleep with. Just the truth. If my parents had jammed me into an arranged marriage with someone like that - I might be able to procreate with them - to have children - if I had a strong desire for kids - but I wouldn't have recreational sex with them.

Equating the ability to procreate - which is purely the ability to orgasm inside a partner - with the idea that you actually enjoy the experience as recreation - is a false equivalence.



Quote:
Originally Posted by UncoveringIntimacy View Post
Glad you enjoyed the articles!

Are there women who are asexual? Yes, not many, but it does happen. I think there are more who claim to be asexual, but often they're blocking themselves from being open to having sexual feelings. That's not quite the same thing, though it presents in the same way and they likely believe themselves to be asexual.

I personally don't believe in "compatibility". The only real compatibility issues are pride and selfishness. If you can drop those, anyone is compatible. We have generations of arranged marriages to prove that.

"Which context changed in your marriage, may I ask?"

Well, I quit watching porn. My wife realized how important sex was. That all came after we focused on communication so we could actually talk about the issues. In short, the context that changed was our relationship. We focused on making it better, deeper, more intimate, and the sex came with it.

"'Spontaneous desire would be suddenly wanting sex without any seemingly outside stimulus.'

This doesn't seem quite right: there are always outside stimuli. It's about how we choose to react to them (or whether we choose). For me it is usually simple interaction with my wife or a thought about her. (I see you wrote "seemingly" but still). For her: she can make herself want sex it seems. She said if she thinks about it beforehand or during the day then at night she'll be good to go...Which is also difficult for me to understand because I don't really see where I play a part in that..."

Right, it's seeming, because there's always some stimulus. So, here's sort of how it works. Your physical arousal level is dictated by your subconscious mind and it's constantly looking for sexually relevant contexts. If it sees one, then it tells the body "hey, this is sexually relevant, we should prepare for potential sex". For men, this means we often get an erection, and sometimes we don't even know why. Our subconscious saw something we consciously notice. But, since we're men, we get an erection, and THAT we notice. And so suddenly we start thinking about sex, or about our wife, or whatever. It seems spontaneous, but it's not. Because of this, I think, men have a much higher concordance between their physical and mental arousal. It's not perfect, only about 50%. But, that's pretty high compared to the 10% for women.

For women, their mind will notice something sexually relevant, and they'll start getting physically aroused. However, it's not as obvious in a female body. So, it's far less likely she'll notice and start getting aroused. As well, our society has trained men to see almost everything as sexually relevant and women to think that almost nothing is. Actually, we tend to train women to believe that sexually relevant contexts are a threat. And so that re-wires that mechanism to not see as many sexually relevant contexts as men.

All this together means that women have far fewer -seemingly- spontaneous arousal points in their life.

Add to that that women are often cronically stressed, with hits the breaks on their subconsious arousal patterns as well, because for most women, stress does not equal a good time for sex, whereas for many men, sex is a stress relief.

This is, unfortunately, just the tip of the iceberg, but I'm trying to relay a ton of information in a few paragraphs. I've spent the last 5 years reading, blogging and talking to couples and spouses about this sort of thing, and I'm still learning.
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post #86 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:21 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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Less spontaneous horniness towards my partner yet every now and then I want to masturbate, without my partner. WTH?! I feel like I just don't want sex as much as I used to before. Could it be that I'm just getting too much??

The sex is still just as good. Honestly its better than it has ever been because he's now into oral(giving), anal and satisfies my obsession with bjs better. I'm happier than I've ever been.

So I don't quite understand what's happening to my sexuality. I'm worried that I'm becoming LD. And I'm concerned about what other changes will come next. It's all very strange.
I think that's just normal for almost every relationship. It's not that it gets boring, it's that it's no longer exciting the way it was when everything was new.

Add to that the fact that you said you've never quite had this level of compatibility before AND that your previous partner didn't really do it for you. My wife pretty much did the same thing with me. Most recent ex did absolutely nothing for her, and she and I have this insane physical compatibility. It's still good, but it's expected now, for lack of a better term. What was once raw and sweaty and freaky is now the norm. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but it's no longer shiny and new.

In addition, my wife went through a period, not long after the "newness" wore off, I suspect, where she would sometimes masturbate after sex, as well. Whether I was there with her, or had gone elsewhere in the house. I found it odd at the time (wasn't I enough?) but she swore it wasn't that. It's just that she hadn't quite gotten it out of her system. There are occasional times where I've also wanted more, despite me having been fully satisfied. I can't quite explain it, either, but it's happened to me, as well. Almost like one doesn't want the euphoria to end.

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post #87 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:51 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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I heard about how this can happen. Is this something that happens overnight (or fairly quickly)? Or more gradually? Often, even if I feel hurt by her, I still am very attracted.

Emotional needs: do men have those? :-)
Seriously though where can I read up on this or what is reasonable to expect? (before it's in the 'needy' territory). I can't really verbalise what it is that is not being met as I don't quite understand it myself...
Something isn't being met otherwise I doubt I'd feel the emptiness or pain so often.
It's difficult to understand how your wife's behaviour has little impact on your drive. Mine is almost completely dependent on my partner. Or perhaps it's dependent on my immediate response to his behaviour. Hmm I need to think about this more...

My gut feeling is that this is mostly a female thing because of the link between affection/intimacy and sex that seems inseparable for women. I have a very difficult time having sex when things are not good between us. You'd swear I was being raped. Even if I want it just to feel close, that feeling quickly fizzles into me not feeling loved and used for sex in that moment.
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post #88 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:11 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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H
No desire would be asexual. They don't want sex, even when they're having sex. They don't get aroused at all and are only doing it for you. They get absolutely nothing out of it.
Does a male person as described above have an erection?
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post #89 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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I've avoided this thread because I couldn't offer any reasonable advice. I still can't but I have to say that I think the woman's drive is more complex than even I can fathom. I've noticed changes in my sexual persona over the last year that were surprising, and more recently, concerning.

I can say for certain that my sex drive varies from partner to partner. It was at zero with my last. My current partner: I've never obsessed so much about sex with anyone prior; I've never enjoyed the act itself as much; I've never felt so comfortable being super freaky with another. Basically, I don't think it's possible to be any more sexually compatible than we are.

The first thing I started noticing about a year ago: I observed myself enjoying the sex with him in a way I never felt before. There was something nurturing about it and filling. It was no longer just raw lusting. Like he belonged in my vagina or something.

Next I noticed my own moaning. One time I was on top of him for quite some time and realized I wasn't making any sounds. Immediately I thought, I hope he doesn't think I'm not enjoying it. Then I started to wonder if I've been faking moaning all this time? Do women just do it to make men feel good? But it comes so naturally?? Except when I'm on top? I still haven't figured that one out, it screws with my head too much.

Then I realized that after sex, sometimes I still wanted to masturbate till orgasm. This is even after having multiple orgasms from sex and feeling so satisfied that I don't want any more sex. Do I just want to masturbate because we've been long distance for some time and that's what I'm used to? If that was the case wouldn't I have experienced this with others after being single and only masturbating for quite some time? How can I not want to orgasm any more from sex with him but still want to bring my own self to orgasm, especially when they're both clitoral orgasms?

More recently I started noticing that I'm not spontaneously horny in the way I've known myself to be for my entire sexual life. Prior to the last year, I would think about sex at least once every half hour. My panties would be constantly soaked. I couldn't go to sleep without thinking about sex. The only lucid dreams I ever had were sex related. I didn't just recognize I was in a dream, I was able to do crazy sexual stuff because I knew there would be zero repercussions.

Less spontaneous horniness towards my partner yet every now and then I want to masturbate, without my partner. WTH?! I feel like I just don't want sex as much as I used to before. Could it be that I'm just getting too much??

The sex is still just as good. Honestly its better than it has ever been because he's now into oral(giving), anal and satisfies my obsession with bjs better. I'm happier than I've ever been.

So I don't quite understand what's happening to my sexuality. I'm worried that I'm becoming LD. And I'm concerned about what other changes will come next. It's all very strange.
I was always wondering if there actually are women who have that sort of boy-ish* drive that you are describing of yourself: "Prior to the last year, I would think about sex at least once every half hour. My panties would be constantly soaked. I couldn't go to sleep without thinking about sex. The only lucid dreams I ever had were sex related. I didn't just recognize I was in a dream, I was able to do crazy sexual stuff because I knew there would be zero repercussions.

So it's not a myth then

I write boy-ish because that kind of spontaneous urge used to be incredibly annoying when I was a boy, walking around with an erection, bumping into things and wanting to hump inanimate objects like pillars or trees, for no apparent reason. It got better eventually after I learned about masturbation and got a girlfriend etc (poor thing, she had no idea she was a substitute for a very sexy pillar we had at home).

Anyway, I am sure sex drive changes over the course of a relationship. How long have you actually been living together with your current bf? After first 6 months, the hormones tend to wear off and then things normalise (and when couples start to notice other things about each other apart from "I want to have sex with them 24/7"). Actually that's when many think that they fall out of love and freak out.

Then I realized that after sex, sometimes I still wanted to masturbate till orgasm. This is even after having multiple orgasms from sex and feeling so satisfied that I don't want any more sex. Do I just want to masturbate because we've been long distance for some time and that's what I'm used to? If that was the case wouldn't I have experienced this with others after being single and only masturbating for quite some time? How can I not want to orgasm any more from sex with him but still want to bring my own self to orgasm, especially when they're both clitoral orgasms?

I am not sure why this might be the case. I know my wife can relatively easily come from PIV and then (less easily) from oral but it used to be the other way around before we had kids. Also she doesn't come as easily from the same thing twice. I was gonna say that perhaps because you were used coming from masturbation (clitoral) that after PIV/sex maybe you still felt something was missing but maybe not. I am not sure how it works. My wife never masturbates after we have sex. I vaguely remember her doing it once or twice a long time ago when she either didn't come properly or didn't come at all (whenever I was too quick in the past). But then she never masturbated in any case (apart from once or twice). She had sex dreams, she tells me I was involved in them but it seems her body operates very differently from yours. I hadn't realised there are such big variations. Among men, I am not sure the variation is that great. I don't think there are many LD men but I could be wrong.

"The sex is still just as good. Honestly its better than it has ever been because he's now into oral(giving), anal and satisfies my obsession with bjs better."

I have never seen it put like this. It made me smile and will probably make many men jump out of windows out of jealousy

I am sure it's just normal developments within a healthy relationship (regarding your "changes"). What is interesting to me is that so many things happen on a subconscious level. It's not "deliberate" that one fells more or less attraction to a partner. One can make yourself have sex with someone (up to a point) but chemistry has to be right to begin with. And it's nobody's fault if it sometmes isn't...
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post #90 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:40 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

"I was always wondering if there actually are women who have that sort of boy-ish* drive that you are describing of yourself."

I don't know that this is so uncommon among women as opposed to there being many women who are not comfortable being open about their sexual desires. At least a handful of my female friends are similar. Hmm I wonder if they're experiencing some of the same changes.

"How long have you actually been living together with your current bf?"

Moved in just a little over 6 months. A month here, a month there over last 5 years.

"My wife never masturbates after we have sex. I vaguely remember her doing it once or twice a long time ago when she either didn't come properly or didn't come at all (whenever I was too quick in the past). But then she never masturbated in any case (apart from once or twice)."

She never masturbates? I'm not sure how that works either. Very different...

" What is interesting to me is that so many things happen on a subconscious level. It's not "deliberate" that one fells more or less attraction to a partner. One can make yourself have sex with someone (up to a point) but chemistry has to be right to begin with. And it's nobody's fault if it sometmes isn't..."

I thought about my last relationship experience and was going to disagree with the idea that the attraction happens at a subconscious level, but I think you are onto something here. It took me a long time to realise the loss of attraction. And even longer to figure out the why.
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