It's difficult to understand how your wife's behaviour has little impact on your drive. Mine is almost completely dependent on my partner. Or perhaps it's dependent on my immediate response to his behaviour. Hmm I need to think about this more...
My gut feeling is that this is mostly a female thing because of the link between affection/intimacy and sex that seems inseparable for women. I have a very difficult time having sex when things are not good between us. You'd swear I was being raped. Even if I want it just to feel close, that feeling quickly fizzles into me not feeling loved and used for sex in that moment.
Yes it's strange. There are generally two emotions I have towards my wife most of the time: either I feel aroused by her and I want to **** her or I feel annoyed and want to **** her. In all the scenarios I always want to **** her. If the latter happens and I am annoyed, it's generally because she's trying to pick a fight (usually during PMS) and ****ing the "demons" out of her, actually helps a lot of the time...
Ok this is a very simplified version and if my wife read it, we would have a massive fight, rightly so. (And then I'd probably want to **** her :-) (make up sex is the best!).
I know with women it is not like this at all. Either women's emotions are much more complicated or the drive is much more connected to them. My wife would not have sex with me if she is annoyed about something or feels resentment. As you say, it will feel a bit like rape. but then, she sometimes likes being "raped" by me a little bit so maybe it's ok :-)
(yes, I know, it's different kind of rape. Where she "lets" me rape her. But then it's not really rape so...confusing).
Would you still want to masturbate etc by yourself if you had a fight and couldn't have sex with your partner? I just wonder whether sex drive in HD women has an independent life as well. (it does with men, I think).
All in all, I think she is great because she is trying hard. And from reading these forums, it seems a lot of women often don't even bother trying. Although she says she also wants it and gets offended whenever I bring the subject up and ask her if she came up to me because she wanted to or because it was time. And maybe she does want it now more than before. It is possible I am overly sensitive/still hurting from the times when she would use lack of sex, against me (she did say the other day that she used to do a bit of it). It will probably take time for me to stop constantly second-guessing her actions. I don't seem to remember it as well but I am convinced my **** likes carrying grudges all day long. Otherwise I can't explain this new-found paranoia.