Does sex drive vary from partner to partner? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:03 PM Thread Starter
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Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Tried googling it but it mostly brings up how to cope with an LD partner. (which is relevant too).
I just wondered whether sex drive intensity is something that is constant from partner to partner (discounting first few months of a relationship which is fuelled by hormones) or whether it is partner-dependent. or whether it's a combination of both.
It's mostly a question for women.
I guess I am trying to work out whether my wife's drive would be different if she was with a partner who she found more attractive.
How do you stop finding your wife attractive? (or as attractive). I wish there was a pill to accomplish this. It's painful to go to bed some nights when there's this emptiness. Porn doesn't seem to help as much as it used to. It seems it is her that I need.
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post #2 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:12 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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How do you stop finding your wife attractive? (or as attractive).
I stopped finding mine attractive after I'd had my fill of not getting my emotional needs met. The drive difference was a problem, but it was only after I really understood that my wife had zero interest in even working on it that my attraction to her completely tanked. I had a need for her to be a partner with me, but she elected not to participate.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #3 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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I stopped finding mine attractive after I'd had my fill of not getting my emotional needs met. The drive difference was a problem, but it was only after I really understood that my wife had zero interest in even working on it that my attraction to her completely tanked. I had a need for her to be a partner with me, but she elected not to participate.
I heard about how this can happen. Is this something that happens overnight (or fairly quickly)? Or more gradually? Often, even if I feel hurt by her, I still am very attracted.

Emotional needs: do men have those? :-)
Seriously though where can I read up on this or what is reasonable to expect? (before it's in the 'needy' territory). I can't really verbalise what it is that is not being met as I don't quite understand it myself...
Something isn't being met otherwise I doubt I'd feel the emptiness or pain so often.
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post #4 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:28 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Each person has their own level of sex drive. And that drive will fluctuate depending on age, health, circumstance, etc.

And yes, not getting one's emotional needs met can reduce, or kill, their sex drive... or at least their desire to have sex with the mate who is not meeting their needs.

What is a "normal" level of sex in marriage? I've read about twice a week.

Have you read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"?

Most people who appear to be LD are not really LD. They harbor resentment/anger toward their partner/spouse and thus do not want sex with them often. Fix the marital problems.... and it could very well fix the sex drive issues.

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post #5 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:42 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
I heard about how this can happen. Is this something that happens overnight (or fairly quickly)? Or more gradually? Often, even if I feel hurt by her, I still am very attracted.

Emotional needs: do men have those? :-)
Seriously though where can I read up on this or what is reasonable to expect? (before it's in the 'needy' territory). I can't really verbalise what it is that is not being met as I don't quite understand it myself...
Something isn't being met otherwise I doubt I'd feel the emptiness or pain so often.
It was gradual in the sense that I spent years chasing her, blaming myself, looking for medical reasons, etc. It was sudden in that I pretty much just decided I was done in the space of a very short time at the end of that period. Oddly enough, it cemented for me after we'd had sex a couple of times and I got zero lift from it. The emotions just weren't there anymore.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #6 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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Most people who appear to be LD are not really LD. They harbor resentment/anger toward their partner/spouse and thus do not want sex with them often. Fix the marital problems.... and it could very well fix the sex drive issues.
That's my fear. Not so much that she harbours anger but the fact that I keep having having to 'unlock' things in her, for us to function as I imagine normal couples would function. Whereas with someone else, these qualities would come out naturally in her, without anyone having to force them out.

She would always say that I am building it up in my head and since I am the one bringing it up, I must be the one who is the unhappy one, because she is happy with me and with how things are. Difficult to argue with that logic and not appearing overly needy.

Some friends tell me that passion levels and need for emotional connection etc vary significantly from person to person. I tend to lean more towards the idea that those qualities can be augmented (or diminished), depending on who the partner is.

If that is true, I should consider putting her out of the misery as the less selfish option. I don't know.

I must get those books. I keep reading about them on the forums.
thanks
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post #7 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:01 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
Tried googling it but it mostly brings up how to cope with an LD partner. (which is relevant too).
I just wondered whether sex drive intensity is something that is constant from partner to partner (discounting first few months of a relationship which is fuelled by hormones) or whether it is partner-dependent. or whether it's a combination of both.
It's mostly a question for women.
I guess I am trying to work out whether my wife's drive would be different if she was with a partner who she found more attractive.
How do you stop finding your wife attractive? (or as attractive). I wish there was a pill to accomplish this. It's painful to go to bed some nights when there's this emptiness. Porn doesn't seem to help as much as it used to. It seems it is her that I need.
Oh, you mean does YOUR sex drive vary from partner to partner.

Funny, that...'been married 17 years now, so I can't speak with any recent experience of other partners. But prior to the marriage....

I tended to be in mostly LTRs - 3 years minimum. In college, unless it was tremendously inconvenient, I stayed overnight at her place or she stayed overnight at mine and activity happened every time. I always looked forward to it. One particular partner had a zest for trying out new things, as I did...we both eagerly looked forward to the next time she or I would say, "Hey I want to try this...". Don't know if that counts as higher drive.

With another partner, although she expressed strong interest, and often initiated, her participation seemed rather mechanical...even to the point that I could accurately gauge what to do and how long to bring her to "O", which she expected each time. For me, this worked out - thinking back, it was an odd time in my life and having a predictable, satisfying, but not exciting relationship worked for me. I was doing grad work, and as it was a made-up degree program, I had to drive it hard...occasional nights to 4am (said partner would actually come to the lab for her nightly dose of coming in this case), occasional trips out of town to justify the next grant, etc. Between classes, research and oh, yes, I worked a 35 hour a week job, I kept us both fed, clothed, housed, one car maintained...I'm actually having a hard time remembering what she did during the day. She didn't work, but she did love her houseplants, having over 200 of them, named. I feel awful that I can't recall those aspects of her, although I certainly recall lots of the things we did together. I suspect if we'd stayed together after I got my degree and have to move out of state to start the career, I might have seen a more engaged and lively side of her.

One partner, early on, withheld from me one night and I asked why. She told me what she wanted - had nothing to do with sex. I explained, as calmly as I could, that this felt like an ultimatum, and I was feeling manipulated. I invited her to tell me where my understanding was incorrect, and if she could successfully do so, I'd be OK with it. But otherwise, I said, I consider ultimatums or any other way of attempting to control another human to be something I don't want in a relationship and have never had to experience before. She gulped and said, "Oh ****, that was my mom coming out, I'll never do it again." And she didn't. We confronted each other about our **** a few times in those first months and I think we both grew a lot from having done so. My drive was high with her - for everything, every moment together and so on. Ultimately, the only reason we split is that she was more tightly bonded to her family of origin than I was comfortable with - to the point that if I was to be accepted by the family, I HAD to work in the company business. I wasn't interested in being her dad's third son (she had two brothers).

So...I don't think the answer's as simple as high/low...it's a wide spectrum.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #8 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:06 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
I guess I am trying to work out whether my wife's drive would be different if she was with a partner who she found more attractive.
Odds are she is very attracted to that guy in the romance novel, but unfortunately there is no good picture of him so you'll never be able to compare his looks to yours to know exactly what it is about him your wife finds so attractive. One thing we know for sure is that he is usually "well written" and comes across like this:

Quote:
I have for the first time found what I can truly love – I have found you. You are my sympathy – my better self – my good angel; I am bound to you with a strong attachment. I think you good, gifted, lovely: a fervent, a solemn passion is conceived in my heart; it leans to you, draws you to my center and spring of life, wraps my existence about you – and, kindling in pure, powerful flame, fuses you and me in one. - Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre
Hey @inmyprime so like when is the last time you wrote your wife a love letter? You know, using some "well written" words of your own, just for her!

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post #9 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:16 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
That's my fear. Not so much that she harbours anger but the fact that I keep having having to 'unlock' things in her, for us to function as I imagine normal couples would function. Whereas with someone else, these qualities would come out naturally in her, without anyone having to force them out.

She would always say that I am building it up in my head and since I am the one bringing it up, I must be the one who is the unhappy one, because she is happy with me and with how things are. Difficult to argue with that logic and not appearing overly needy.

Some friends tell me that passion levels and need for emotional connection etc vary significantly from person to person. I tend to lean more towards the idea that those qualities can be augmented (or diminished), depending on who the partner is.

If that is true, I should consider putting her out of the misery as the less selfish option. I don't know.

I must get those books. I keep reading about them on the forums.
thanks
It's easy to overthink things, but that doesn't mean there isn't a problem. Boil it down like this. Are her needs getting met? She seems to think so. Are you getting your needs met? Clearly not, or you would not be here.

Now that you've established that your needs aren't being met, communicate those needs clearly to her. Remember that your needs are legitimate. Then, figure out how or if she's willing to work with you. As long as she is willing to make a good faith effort, you have hope.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #10 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Haha @badsanta, your posts always cheer me up.
I think it was her birthday, i wrote her an overly flattering, emotionally charged card. And I used to write her a lot of letters in school. I think she finds these embarrassing nowadays or I got worse at writing...(or doesn't believe the content, i don't know which). Because she shows no reaction when she gets them though she makes a point of how important it is for her to get a card with a present whenever I fail to write one (which i think only happened once).
It's a battle I'm not sure I can win.

Thing is, I don't know if she knows that she might be happier in another relationship; she's too pragmatic. As in she will deal with what she has got and doesn't see any point in wasting time thinking about far-fetched scenarios (which may ultimately result in more happiness for her).
Plus thoughts are generally more abstract in any case: we try to verbalise them (or some aspects of them) but that could be a very poor translation of what's actually being felt. If that makes sense. Sometimes a person may also not be very clear exactly what they feel or why, themselves.
For example I am not quite certain what's causing me to feel this way (the emptiness thing whenever I feel disconnected from her) but I am telling myself a narrative in the hope that it may make sense or is close to reality. Same with her. She may tell herself (and me) that she is perfectly happy, even though it is not a true reflection of her feelings (because her actions, her annoyances with me, lack of passion/lust/interest/compassion blabla point to something different to me). But I can't prove it to her without destroying everything first.
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post #11 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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It's easy to overthink things, but that doesn't mean there isn't a problem. Boil it down like this. Are her needs getting met? She seems to think so.
She may say that they are met but it doesn't mean they are actually being met, as per my previous post.


Quote:
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Are you getting your needs met? Clearly not, or you would not be here.

Now that you've established that your needs aren't being met, communicate those needs clearly to her. Remember that your needs are legitimate. Then, figure out how or if she's willing to work with you. As long as she is willing to make a good faith effort, you have hope.
I am not sure what's not being met on my side. It's not as simple as simply forcing herself to have more sex with me or spend more time with me (though that would be a great improvement); that would feel wrong on many levels if it's a charity thing. It would have to involve her seeing me in a different light (or me becoming a whole different person) which I am not sure is possible.
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post #12 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:40 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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It would have to involve her seeing me in a different light (or me becoming a whole different person) which I am not sure is possible.
Dude, disco bulbs for your bedroom! Not joking!

My wife was is one of those weird "I don't want to be close to anyone right now" moods, and I told her I would work my magic. I turned on some disco light bulbs I got from Amazon, and cranked up some of her favorite music she like to dance to when she was a crazy teenager.

OMG!!!

Seriously! It was exactly like we were transformed back into wild and crazy teenagers for that moment.

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post #13 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

Haha, unfortunately the only 'beneficiary' of the disco party will be our youngest one-year old. He's one crazy night party animal and my wife is not always playing the cool DJ :-)
Might have to wait till they grow up. That probably includes my 'needs' too.
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post #14 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:46 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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She may say that they are met but it doesn't mean they are actually being met, as per my previous post.




I am not sure what's not being met on my side. It's not as simple as simply forcing herself to have more sex with me or spend more time with me (though that would be a great improvement); that would feel wrong on many levels if it's a charity thing. It would have to involve her seeing me in a different light (or me becoming a whole different person) which I am not sure is possible.

I get what you're saying. You don't feel a sense of passion coming from her.

I think people have different base capacities for emotions, passion, sexuality etc. it's possible that you're looking for something she's not able to provide. And passion is not something you can artificially manufacture. It takes work from both parties. You have to do something to inspire passion, but she also has to be an active participant. A passionate relationship is not a passive activity.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #15 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:31 PM
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Re: Does sex drive vary from partner to partner?

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Haha, unfortunately the only 'beneficiary' of the disco party will be our youngest one-year old. He's one crazy night party animal and my wife is not always playing the cool DJ :-)
Might have to wait till they grow up. That probably includes my 'needs' too.
I don't know how many posts I've seen where the guy is complaining about his wife's drop in sex drive, talks about how he's been telling her how important it is to him, asking what he can do to get her going again, and then much later on, he offhandedly mentions that they have a young child. As though it's completely irrelevant.

Life will NEVER get back to how it was before after you have kids. If there is a preschool age child in the house, the sex life will suffer if there is not DEDICATED effort put to maintain it.

With a one-year-old around, your wife is very likely still exhausted. The little guy is running around like crazy, needs more or less constant supervision as he's mobile and into everything, may still wake in the night, and still thinks Mommy is the centre of the universe. Your wife is focused on all the stuff that goes into being Mommy - feeding, laundry, housecleaning, entertaining a toddler, etc. She probably has very very little time for herself. This is completely exacerbated if she is a working mom also trying to meet those obligations. If she does get a spare moment, her thoughts are probably not on sex. The more she senses your unhappiness about that, the more likely it is that she'll feel sex with you is one more obligation weighing on her, instead of finding the idea fun.

HD people find sex relaxing and a great stress reliever.

LD people don't want sex until they are already relaxed and stress-free. That state of mind doesn't exist around a small child.
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