Tried googling it but it mostly brings up how to cope with an LD partner. (which is relevant too).
I just wondered whether sex drive intensity is something that is constant from partner to partner (discounting first few months of a relationship which is fuelled by hormones) or whether it is partner-dependent. or whether it's a combination of both.
It's mostly a question for women.
I guess I am trying to work out whether my wife's drive would be different if she was with a partner who she found more attractive.
How do you stop finding your wife attractive? (or as attractive). I wish there was a pill to accomplish this. It's painful to go to bed some nights when there's this emptiness. Porn doesn't seem to help as much as it used to. It seems it is her that I need.
Oh, you mean does YOUR sex drive vary from partner to partner.
Funny, that...'been married 17 years now, so I can't speak with any recent experience of other partners. But prior to the marriage....
I tended to be in mostly LTRs - 3 years minimum. In college, unless it was tremendously inconvenient, I stayed overnight at her place or she stayed overnight at mine and activity happened every time. I always looked forward to it. One particular partner had a zest for trying out new things, as I did...we both eagerly looked forward to the next time she or I would say, "Hey I want to try this...". Don't know if that counts as higher drive.
With another partner, although she expressed strong interest, and often initiated, her participation seemed rather mechanical...even to the point that I could accurately gauge what to do and how long to bring her to "O", which she expected each time. For me, this worked out - thinking back, it was an odd time in my life and having a predictable, satisfying, but not exciting relationship worked for me. I was doing grad work, and as it was a made-up degree program, I had to drive it hard...occasional nights to 4am (said partner would actually come to the lab for her nightly dose of coming in this case), occasional trips out of town to justify the next grant, etc. Between classes, research and oh, yes, I worked a 35 hour a week job, I kept us both fed, clothed, housed, one car maintained...I'm actually having a hard time remembering what she did during the day. She didn't work, but she did love her houseplants, having over 200 of them, named. I feel awful that I can't recall those aspects of her, although I certainly recall lots of the things we did together. I suspect if we'd stayed together after I got my degree and have to move out of state to start the career, I might have seen a more engaged and lively side of her.
One partner, early on, withheld from me one night and I asked why. She told me what she wanted - had nothing to do with sex. I explained, as calmly as I could, that this felt like an ultimatum, and I was feeling manipulated. I invited her to tell me where my understanding was incorrect, and if she could successfully do so, I'd be OK with it. But otherwise, I said, I consider ultimatums or any other way of attempting to control another human to be something I don't want in a relationship and have never had to experience before. She gulped and said, "Oh ****, that was my mom coming out, I'll never do it again." And she didn't. We confronted each other about our **** a few times in those first months and I think we both grew a lot from having done so. My drive was high with her - for everything, every moment together and so on. Ultimately, the only reason we split is that she was more tightly bonded to her family of origin than I was comfortable with - to the point that if I was to be accepted by the family, I HAD to work in the company business. I wasn't interested in being her dad's third son (she had two brothers).
So...I don't think the answer's as simple as high/low...it's a wide spectrum.