Hubby's fantasy - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

thank you for your advice. I am considering getting the D paperwork today at the family courthouse. Our MC is obviously not working.. Waste of money we've been putting into it since August.


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Dear emuna;

I think that you get to set your own boundaries. I agree with the others that turning this fantasy into reality is not a good idea. If you are willing to allow him to explore this fantasy then role playing is definitely the way to explore it and not make it too real.

I agree with most of the other comments you have gotten, but will add one slight variation. From what I have read, many unfaithful partners actually subconsciously do things to sabotage their own marriage, as that provides them with an "easy out" in asking for divorce. It allows them to paint themselves as the victim and you the villain. His desire to see you have sex with another man may be his way of trying to sabotage his marriage to you that is interfering with his affair.

if you are pretty sure he is having some kind of affair and he is suggesting things like this, I think that you marriage is in crisis and you should seek professional help, assuming you want to save your marriage.

Good luck.
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post #17 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 03:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

thank you for your advice. I am getting the Divorce paperwork today at the family courthouse.. After reading everyone's posts on this and elsewhere on other topics I've talked about, Our MC is obviously not working.. I see the light. It's a colossal Waste of money we've been putting into it since August.


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Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
Dear emuna;

I think that you get to set your own boundaries. I agree with the others that turning this fantasy into reality is not a good idea. If you are willing to allow him to explore this fantasy then role playing is definitely the way to explore it and not make it too real.

I agree with most of the other comments you have gotten, but will add one slight variation. From what I have read, many unfaithful partners actually subconsciously do things to sabotage their own marriage, as that provides them with an "easy out" in asking for divorce. It allows them to paint themselves as the victim and you the villain. His desire to see you have sex with another man may be his way of trying to sabotage his marriage to you that is interfering with his affair.

if you are pretty sure he is having some kind of affair and he is suggesting things like this, I think that you marriage is in crisis and you should seek professional help, assuming you want to save your marriage.

Good luck.
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post #18 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 03:16 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

I don't get it but some guys like it. Not sure it this is hot wife or just swinging. I like to think of the person I am with as mine.
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post #19 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 04:58 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

I think of there being "pretend" fantasies, "real" fantasies, and obsessions.

Pretend fantasies are things like being abducted by pirates, or being a sex instructor at a Turkish Harem. Things that aren't possible or you wouldn't really want but might be fun to roleplay. In an ideal world everyone would feel free to discuss these with their partners.

"real" fantasies are things you might really want to try like a 3-some, or sex in a church or something. As long as the person suggesting them is OK with hearing "no", then I don't see a problem.

Obsessions are when some real fantasy starts to be demanded. Somoene constantly pestering their partner for a 3-some would be an example of a problem.
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post #20 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 05:52 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

Not sure what kind of man would want to share his wife.


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post #21 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 06:57 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
I think of there being "pretend" fantasies, "real" fantasies, and obsessions.

Pretend fantasies are things like being abducted by pirates, or being a sex instructor at a Turkish Harem. Things that aren't possible or you wouldn't really want but might be fun to roleplay. In an ideal world everyone would feel free to discuss these with their partners.

"real" fantasies are things you might really want to try like a 3-some, or sex in a church or something. As long as the person suggesting them is OK with hearing "no", then I don't see a problem.

Obsessions are when some real fantasy starts to be demanded. Somoene constantly pestering their partner for a 3-some would be an example of a problem.
Interesting way to group things. A classical definition of a fetish is something required to arousal or sexual satisfaction; sort of your obsession.

As to the pretend fantasies, yes that should be fair game to discuss among a committed couple, but often it isn't.

As to the real fantasies, that is where things get interesting.

I believe that a husband and wife should be able to share with each other their deepest, darkest, scariest thoughts. However, that takes an extreme level of trust that your partner will never use that against you in some kind of emotional fight, or change their respect for you.

I like to think that if a person has to keep a part of their sexuality hidden from their partner, then who can they tell or let that out to?

Still some partners would react very negatively to being told some "real fantasy" even if they knew that it crossed a boundary and they weren't going to allow it to happen. How they react could destroy the ability to share other thoughts.

From what I have read, there are a lot of escorts and dominatrix who make lots of money doing things for husbands who don't feel they can tell their wife what they would like to experience. I think that is really sad. I am also sure that there are also wives who do things with strange men that they would never confess to their husbands. Again, it is a shame that people are afraid of sharing their sexuality and sexual curiosity with their spouse.

Last edited by Young at Heart; 03-08-2017 at 07:01 PM.
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post #22 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:41 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

Yes, its sad, especially if its something the partner could do so easily. Dress and talk like a pirate. Give them a spanking. Wear a harem outfit or cowboy boots. I think many of these things would be so easy to do if only people didn't sometimes react with "what sort of pervert are you to want THAT".




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snip
From what I have read, there are a lot of escorts and dominatrix who make lots of money doing things for husbands who don't feel they can tell their wife what they would like to experience. I think that is really sad. I am also sure that there are also wives who do things with strange men that they would never confess to their husbands. Again, it is a shame that people are afraid of sharing their sexuality and sexual curiosity with their spouse.
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post #23 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 01:02 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

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My husband admitted a fantasy last night that he wouldn't mind trying swinging and watching me have sex with another guy. I am of course against this idea and I feel bad I an unwilling to fulfill this fantasy of his. I'm a strong believer in monogamy. I don't know if it means he just does not love me like I thought ? Or he's just less conservative. I don't know what to feel about all of this


I've heard that one quite a few times already. Could be he is already seeing another woman or wants an excuse to see another woman.

He married you and no one else.

Marriage vows, under God and both sets of parents.

If marriage is only a piece of paper, screw around.

If marriage is more than a piece of paper, don't commit purposeful adultery.

Marriage = monogamy, faithful to each other.

If he's bent on you having sex with another man, I would move on and find a new husband because he doesn't truly love or respect you.

If I said to Mrs.CuddleBug, I want you to be pounded by another man, while I watch....she would look at me, disgusted, freak out and nope or divorce.

What would it be okay to watch your hubby have sex with another woman? No.

No different the other way around.

Sounds like he shouldn't of got married.

My fantasy is to watch another woman have sex with Mrs.CuddleBug.....of course, its just a fantasy of mine and I do not pressure her to do this. It's only a fantasy, my fantasy and probably not hers.

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Last edited by CuddleBug; 03-11-2017 at 01:07 PM.
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post #24 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:10 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

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My fantasy is to watch another woman have sex with Mrs.CuddleBug.....of course, its just a fantasy of mine and I do not pressure her to do this. It's only a fantasy, my fantasy and probably not hers.
If she was into it would you go ahead with the idea and turn fantasy into reality?
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post #25 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:18 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

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If she was into it would you go ahead with the idea and turn fantasy into reality?

That is the million dollar question isn't it? I consider it a test of your morals, ethics and marriage vows.

I'm honestly 50/50 on that.

My male sexual fantasy would be fulfilled, true, be then that box would be opened and cannot be closed. Damage in the long term would be done and our marriage might end in divorce.

She might like the ladies, realizes this and the reason she is LD...?

I might want to have sex with another woman while she watches......and it gets out of hand.

Fantasy, yes. Reality, probably not.

Now if I was single......different story.

Playing with fire, you will get burned.

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post #26 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 03:30 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

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Playing with fire, you will get burned.
Probably. But you might also discover cooking, pottery, metallurgy, steam engines, and central heating. Dangerous things can also be very beneficial when treated with respect.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #27 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 05:24 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

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That is the million dollar question isn't it? I consider it a test of your morals, ethics and marriage vows.

I'm honestly 50/50 on that.
After all that marriage vows monogamy faithful stuff you wrote about, there's a 50% chance you'd just go ahead and do it anyway?
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post #28 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 05:43 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

Probably not a welcome comment but i dont understand why him sharing a fantasy that you dont agree with being grounds for a divorce. It is actually a pretty common fantasy and unless he is trying to coerce you into fulfilling it i think it is just open communication which based on the reaction to his sharing, i suspect isn't very good. I would be pretty afraid to share things with my wife if this was going to be her reaction.

Just because its his fantasy that doesn't mean your obligated to fill it. I like the suggestion of using it as role play ammunition. You can use the fantasy to spice things up without actually doing it.

Our lives are a novel and we, the authors. if you don't like the story line, only you have the power to change it.
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post #29 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 05:56 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

emuna - I'm offering my opinion a little late here, but I also doubt your husband's motives.

When both partners in a relationship are in a good place trust-wise, they are able to be truly honest with their partners. They can be honest (without worrying about shame or judgement) about both their own fantasies and their responses to their partner's fantasies. Depending on how that conversation goes, it becomes clear whether any further action/decision could be taken.

But, from what you have said previously, your marriage is not in a place like this at all. You have clear (justifiable) trust issues that you have been trying to resolve for several months now. In your current marriage climate, I'd interpret your husband's sharing of his fantasy as not just insensitive, but offensively disrespectful.

FWIW, I also think that he is trying to find a way to have his cake and ... actually have another cake as well. Have you confronted him yet with what you know about the actual substance of his conversations with the OW?

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” ― C.S. Lewis

FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise). Which I believe I am entitled to express, as best as I can.
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post #30 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 06:00 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

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Probably not a welcome comment but i dont understand why him sharing a fantasy that you dont agree with being grounds for a divorce. It is actually a pretty common fantasy and unless he is trying to coerce you into fulfilling it i think it is just open communication which based on the reaction to his sharing, i suspect isn't very good. I would be pretty afraid to share things with my wife if this was going to be her reaction.

Just because its his fantasy that doesn't mean your obligated to fill it. I like the suggestion of using it as role play ammunition. You can use the fantasy to spice things up without actually doing it.
bankshot1993 - I'd normally agree with you, but emuna has another thread going which covers her background issues with her husband. IMO, her current marital climate means that this isn't a healthy sharing of fantasies, but rather a specific attempt to manipulate (and perhaps even devalue) his wife.

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” ― C.S. Lewis

FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise). Which I believe I am entitled to express, as best as I can.
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