Hubby's fantasy - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 12:05 PM Thread Starter
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Hubby's fantasy

My husband admitted a fantasy last night that he wouldn't mind trying swinging and watching me have sex with another guy. I am of course against this idea and I feel bad I an unwilling to fulfill this fantasy of his. I'm a strong believer in monogamy. I don't know if it means he just does not love me like I thought ? Or he's just less conservative. I don't know what to feel about all of this
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post #2 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 12:32 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

There's a reason they are called fantasies, because we don't expect them to come true.

I would not feel bad that you don't want to fulfill this one. You have boundaries and this fantasy would cross those boundaries. You just need to calmly explain that you love him and he is the only one you plan to have sex with.

As a side note, I don't ever see a lot of good stories of couples that go down the swinger route.
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post #3 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 12:37 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

Role play.....keep it a fantasy but share it between the both of you....don't feel bad at all.
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post #4 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 12:42 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

His fantasy has nothing to do with you. It is a pattern of images/scenes that he finds arousing and probably developed long before you were in the picture.

A common male fantasy requires a partner to dress up as a schoolgirl, does not mean that the man wants to have sex with an underaged female at her school? Nope.

It is normal for you to be averse to this fantasy. Most women would have a difficult time having sex with another man that is not their partner. Even those like myself, who have tried it before, would rather avoid the drama/dangers associated with introducing outsiders to a relationship. If you run a search on this site for swinging and cockolds, you will find many threads where this issue is discussed. The main advice is to avoid this at all costs.

It's best if you do your own research to find out more about your husbands fantasy and the experiences of others who have gone down that path. In no way should you feel forced to engage in this activity to please your husband.

This is one fantasy I personally would have zero interest in fulfilling based on my past experiences and my current view about relationship dynamics.


Edited to add: Considering your husband has been having an emotional affair - HELL NO. Have you put an end to that? Why are you even discussing fantasies at this point? The focus should be on counselling to deal with him disrespecting you for so long!

Last edited by Keke24; 03-08-2017 at 12:47 PM.
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post #5 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 12:42 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

I'm surprised that he wants this. It can only weaken your marriage. Maybe he's trying, in a round about way, to say that after you have sex with someone else, then he wants to do the same.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #6 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 12:48 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
I'm surprised that he wants this. It can only weaken your marriage. Maybe he's trying, in a round about way, to say that after you have sex with someone else, then he wants to do the same.
Considering her husband is having a one-sided emotional affair with another woman at the moment, this is highly probable. He's a bit of a snake, isn't he.
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post #7 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 12:50 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

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I'm surprised that he wants this. It can only weaken your marriage. Maybe he's trying, in a round about way, to say that after you have sex with someone else, then he wants to do the same.
I wouldn't be surprised if that is exactly what this is, a set up. So he now has ammo if she brings up his relationship with his disrespectful "female friend" and he can slowly weasel this into him having sex with other women (if he hasn't done that already).
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post #8 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 12:50 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

this seems to be coming up a lot more these days, or does it just seem so?
is it the sign of the times, or just the old 'there were always car chases, but now they show them on the news more, so we think there are more' type thing???

don't feel bad. you're probably in the 90% of married men and women that would not do it, so why feel bad?

don't yield, don't give in if it conflicts with your beliefs. period.
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post #9 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 12:54 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

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I wouldn't be surprised if that is exactly what this is, a set up. So he now has ammo if she brings up his relationship with his disrespectful "female friend" and he can slowly weasel this into him having sex with other women (if he hasn't done that already).
I'm thinking that he already did it and his wife would jump at the chance to have sex with someone else. He's probably bummed she doesn't want to.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #10 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 01:32 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

You have boundaries. Your H needs to respect that. Your H needs to work on his boundaries.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #11 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 01:37 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

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I'm surprised that he wants this. It can only weaken your marriage.
Penises can't think that far ahead.
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post #12 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 01:39 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

I agree, role play. Try out Strangers in a bar. Check it out on reddit, lots of stories about it.
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post #13 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 01:48 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

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Originally Posted by emuna View Post
My husband admitted a fantasy last night that he wouldn't mind trying swinging and watching me have sex with another guy. I am of course against this idea and I feel bad I an unwilling to fulfill this fantasy of his. I'm a strong believer in monogamy. I don't know if it means he just does not love me like I thought ? Or he's just less conservative. I don't know what to feel about all of this
For me, human sexuality is the most difficult of behaviors to understand. Why do people do what they do. Why do they dream of things that they want to do which are so different than vanilla sex. Think of it a moment, what is the root cause? Bondage, leather, dressing as the opposite sex, pretending to be a horse, wanting to be urinated (or defecated) on, whips, rape fantasy the list goes on and on. There is only a few shreds of commonality. It all happens in the brain until it is acted upon. Acting out some of these behaviors is often destructive to relationships and to self image.

Why then?

I have this theory I've put some thought into. It is what I call chemical imprinting. At various points in our childhood we become sexually aroused and there is a corresponding release triggered in the endocrine system. That hormonal secretion coupled with sights, smells during sexual arousal imprint in our psyche in such a way as to cause a strong associations and manifest in future behaviors.

I can offer no practical solutions for you. I know that the above tangent is crazy and hard to believe but any answer to a portion of why we behave as we do will necessarily be off the wall.

I do know from experience that open marriages do not work out except in the most rare cases. I do know that good men are often driven by forces within them to want both a solid marriage and the fulfillment of their fantasy life. Don't forget that you are just as important as he and that what you want counts too. Humor is a good tool. Good luck.

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post #14 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:07 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

So.....
He is having an emotional affair with someone he used to work with. They have made fun of you. Now he wants someone else to have sex with you?

Get the hell away from this obviously toxic individual.
(My snappy answer to this would be, go right ahead and have sex with someone else, after your divorce, when you meet someone nice and NORMAL!)
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post #15 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:34 PM
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Re: Hubby's fantasy

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Originally Posted by emuna View Post
My husband admitted a fantasy last night that he wouldn't mind trying swinging and watching me have sex with another guy. ......I don't know if it means he just does not love me like I thought ? ....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostinthought61 View Post
Role play.....keep it a fantasy but share it between the both of you....don't feel bad at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
I'm surprised that he wants this. It can only weaken your marriage. Maybe he's trying, in a round about way, to say that after you have sex with someone else, then he wants to do the same.
Dear emuna;

I think that you get to set your own boundaries. I agree with the others that turning this fantasy into reality is not a good idea. If you are willing to allow him to explore this fantasy then role playing is definitely the way to explore it and not make it too real.

I agree with most of the other comments you have gotten, but will add one slight variation. From what I have read, many unfaithful partners actually subconsciously do things to sabotage their own marriage, as that provides them with an "easy out" in asking for divorce. It allows them to paint themselves as the victim and you the villain. His desire to see you have sex with another man may be his way of trying to sabotage his marriage to you that is interfering with his affair.

if you are pretty sure he is having some kind of affair and he is suggesting things like this, I think that you marriage is in crisis and you should seek professional help, assuming you want to save your marriage.

Good luck.
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