Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Kharma, I totally get it. I understand that some people, including Sarah don't have self-esteem issues, but I am having a hard time understanding why they don't understand. We love, adore, want, desire our husbands, we give the whole committment, including sex. Don't we deserve the same in response. Dare I say it is even a matter of respect? Maybe that is going a little far, but is it really? To greatly simplify matters, how about this scenario? If you told your spouse that it really bothers you when he or she leaves his or her dirty socks in the middle of the living room floor and your spouse continued to do it day in and day out, would you feel less than respected? Is the problem communication because I really don't think it is sex. I am lucky that my husband has no problem talking about sex, we are very open and comfortable with each other physically. But I deal with that internal voice that says to me, "Why doesn't he desire you enough to come to you and say Make love to me?" It is a painful thing to contemplate. Kharma and I are not talking about an annoyance issue, we are not talking about dirty socks, we are talking about the most intimate act that two people can share.
I realised today that although my wife does not initiate sex often or in the earth-shattering way I want, she does other things that make me feel validated:
In particular she smiles at me during the day so sweetly, it is as if she is saying I am the best husband in the world, she never used to do this, but now that we are getting on so much better than in the past, all sorts of good things are happening.
She did also initiate sex today, and we had a laugh about her choice of words. When I joked that she would have to do better than that, she said she couldn't muster up anything better as she was feeling like a dish-rag! Oh yeah, she knows how to talk sexy
I showed her part of this thread and she said she can't understand: If the other spouse is willing to have sex on demand, then that proves they find the other one desirable. She is correct of course, so I suppose it boils down to whether one is demonstrative or not.
So for me, the more I think about it the more I feel I am getting hung up over very little. Not many men get sex 300+ times a year
This is all very interesting. As I said above, when I showed this thread to my wife, she could not understand what my problem was or anyone else's. What it seems to boil down to is that the desire is felt, but there is timidity with regard to expressing it via initiating sex in a sexy way
I feel for you soulmate. i know how it feels when one's spouse doesnt initiate. It really killed my self-esteem. If this kind of thing happened when I was dating, I could just leave and find someone else. i never had self-esteem issues prior to my H. but having to stay in the situation for so long with my H, with out any other way to be able to validate my self-esteem, just really took a toll on me.
If this had of happened with someone I didnt love, i know it wouldnt have been that big of a deal. but it was a huge deal, and i dont know that i could have stayed if i didnt think there was a chance my H would change.
things are getting better for my H and I, but i made a very big deal out of it.
hey i have a same problem my husband never initiates sex... it has been just an year of our wedding and i can actually count how many times we had. He loves me a lot cares for me... but i dont know why he never initiates... it hurts me and makes me depressed. I am shy in discussing it with him but i few days back i tried to discuss he took it as a joke and said for him sex is not everything. if had medical problem and we cannot have sex it doesnot mean that i dont love you.. thats all then i stopped and deviated the topic... but deep down i always think and feel hurt about our sex life.
I think you need to keep in mind here that if you intiate and he accepts, that's not a bad thing.
If on the other hand you initiate and get rejected by your partner (which happens to a lot of the folks here, yours truly included) it leads to alot of other negative emotions and feelings of self-doubt and loathing.
I do agree that iniating is a great way to show your spouse that you truly want and desire them in a physical way and I know it's something that does wonders for mt self-esteem when it does happen (which is very infrequently in my relationship)
Keep talking to him. Tell him you want to know if he truly desires you and wants to be with you physically. If he says yes (which I am sure he will) tell him he needs to show it now and then!
But he doesn't have a medical problem. Unless he has low T. I think a lot of people don't realize sex is a valid emotional need in marriage.
I would feel the same way if I were you. I've been there in a couple of relationships and it hurts.
You want to feel wanted, like he thinks about sex with you more than just when you bring it up.
Have you read about doing a 180 and turning down the thermostat? Posted via Mobile Device