Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Hi, I am new to this forum. I have some concerns that I need some advice on. One of them is regarding initiating sex. I have a pretty high sex drive and while my husband is happy to have sex with me, he rarely, if ever initiates it. He is loving and romantic, he hugs and kisses me all of the time, but when it comes to sex, it would not happen more than once every couple of weeks if I did not ask for it. Can I have some input from other couples about what occurs in their marriage beds? I am unhappy about the onus for sex always being on me. It feels very unequal, also because of the situation, I feel less than desirable.
Background: We are in our 40's. My husband and I have some health issues, he more than I. We have been married for a year. We are open about sex and have no sexual hang-ups.
Please give a newbie some information and advice.
Good for him, it can be stressful for a man when his sex drive isn't as strong as his wife's. Yet he's still managing to do the business which says a lot about what kind of man he is. As his sex drive is less that yours and your satisfied then by definition he's satisfied as well so there's no need for him to initiate sex.
Since he's obviously making such an effort maybe you might consider doing something just for him. Sometimes sex can be something you do just for the other person, then the pressure to perform is taken off them. It doesn't matter whether you orgasm or how long he last he can just enjoy it. There's lots of different things you could do, you know your husband more than anyone so a little though will reap big benefits. Having sex like this might act to give your hubby a sexual boost as well as just letting him know that you're thinking about him.
Although we have sex every day except on her period, my wife has never been into initiating since we first got together; when she does it comes out very odd like: "we haven't shagged for a while", or "I suppose you want sex". She often says this with a cheeky smile, which makes it come over better, but in the past, it has also been said with a, shall we say weary look, which does not add...
However, we have talked about it at length, and she says:
Originally Posted by Mrs. T
It's like knowing the grass is green and pleasant in the next field, but not being able to open the gate. When you push me along a bit, it's like you lift me over the gate, and all is good.
These are her words, not mine.
So I have to accept that she has a barrier, but she does not mind it being breached, in fact she welcomes it.
When I focus too much on the situation, my ego gets hurt, but when I just get on with life, and do all or most of the initiation, everything is fine. She certainly visibly and audibly enjoys it once it's started, so the problem if there is one is only with my ego. If we do it in the day time, she will often remark later that she felt like she was walking on air while out shopping afterwards. So I suppose, my ego gets a boost afterwards rather than before.
I have told her that I feel it's a bit unfair that she gets someone ravishing her all day every day who can't get enough of her, whereas no-one is doing that to me.
But... so much has improved in our 20 year relationship over the last few years that I am reasonably hopeful that things may shift.
Thanks for the responses. I don't think that my husband has a low sex drive. He enjoys sex, and yes, I do please him and not myself (frequently). With that in mind, I don't understand why we don't have more parity in our sexual relationship. I have told him repeatedly how I feel about the situation. I know that it is my hang up but give me a break, even if he initiated sex once a week, I would be happier. Is it a selfishness issue? If it is, am I being selfish or is he? It bothers me, he knows it bothers me and yet he makes no attempt to change the situation. Am I reading too much into this? I wonder if sex is more important to me than it is to him?
MT, I greatly appreicate what you had to say. I totally get the ego aspect. I guess you mean that I have to adjust or get over it. Frankly, that is a hard one to swallow. Do you have an alternative that doesn't let my husband off the hook? (I am have joking with that comment, but only half).
I am going to go over this with my husband. I certainly appreciate the female version of this. I dont need to orgasm everytime I have sex, as a matter of fact, orgasms with masturbation are usually much more intense, much more "go into the light" than through intercourse. The problem may be that my husband enjoys bjs and I enjoy giving them to him. hmmmmmm. Let me explore this further.
For the five days that I got hubby to practice it - even tho it seems like the man despises me, he was NICE to me all day, if not sexual. Had I kept it up, yes, i think it would do everything that Mark says it does.
Now I just have to find someone to practice it on...