Suggestions for sexless marriage - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:48 PM
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

That's just the problem, she's ok with the way things are and wants to maintain that because she knows you'll just put up with it. If you make it an issue now, you will all of the sudden become the bad guy and "Mr. *******". She'll give just enough as to not make it make sense for you to divorce over this...but the only way you will ever have a "normal" sex life again is with someone else. This happens to alot of guys. When their wife's are satisfied with their life and you no longer are needed to reach their goals, all the sex goes away. If you don't like it, they get to cash in.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #17 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:04 PM
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

This sounds a lot like my situation. My attorney told me I've become my wife's financial "safety net" and she's become all too comfortable. No affection at all anymore. No reciprocation. I'm doing ALL the initiating. She never walks over to give me a hug/kiss before leaving for work, she makes me come to her, always. If I make an issue of it, she tries to make it sound like I'm overreacting. I'm done. BTW, this was the least of my problems, until I had her served last week. Now she's "back pedaling" and it's amazing to watch her avoid responsibility for her actions. Truly amazing.
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post #18 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
you have to be honest with your wife... you are not being kind to her by letting her believe things are ok
I agree. Tolerance can send a signal of acceptance and/or complacency if you're not careful. Neither are signals you wish to emit.

Let her know that you're hurt by her actions (i.e. that she prioritizes things other things over you), and that you are disappointed with the lack of physical intimacy in the marriage. Set expectations for positive change. See how much progress you can make from a series of honest conversations. Be persistent, and revisit this topic with her until it registers how big of a problem this really is.

After communicating effectively, your wife will either change for you (things get better), or she'll be rife with excuses, or selfish dismissals and apathy (things stay bad, and get worse). In the latter situation, you should evaluate how important the sex is to you. Is it more important than a future with your wife, a unified family? Reflect.

If you find these things are more important than more sex, and as assumed, your wife either de-prioritizes you and doesn't care about your needs, you must somehow cope with less sex than you need. I don't advocate the typical: porn, infidelity, or open relationships; for many, these are destructive. Instead, spend more time doing things you love (family, friends, hobbies). If you can't change your wife and feel compelled to keep the family together, get your mind off sex. Only way to get by...

Hope this helped. Good luck!

Last edited by _anonymous_; 03-14-2017 at 09:36 AM.
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post #19 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 04:01 PM
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

@mem2020

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post #20 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 09:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

Thank you everyone for the insightful advice.
I started the conversation with her about it, and hope to continue it soon. I think some of the books that have been mentioned also seem to be a good place to start. For me, lack of sex will never be grounds for divorce. I'd like for us to have a better relationship in that way, but it doesn't outweigh all of the other great aspects of our marriage. I know it will take some time and effort to improve the current situation in the bedroom.
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post #21 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:09 AM
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

Be prepared. Once you complain about sex, if you don't back down and forget you ever mentioned dissatisfaction, you may find that your wife is no longer interested in providing all the other great aspects of your relationship. Not saying you should back off. I think you are entitled to fight for a satisfying sex life. But just as the lack of sexual satisfaction affects how you feel about your marriage, your complaining about the lack of satisfaction may affect how your wife feels about you. If you can keep all the other great aspects of your marriage intact while working through sexual issues, good for you. It is not a given.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #22 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 12:09 PM
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

One of the things that the OP needs to be prepared for is his spouse "backsliding." It is hard for anyone to change habits. You need to be prepared for backsliding into old habits and firmly, thoughtfully, and lovingly restating your boundaries and let your spouse decide if the changes they have initiated are ones they are committing to or are abandoning.

That is why positive reinforcement in positive changed behavior is so important, as it minimizes the backsliding that will happen.

Good luck.
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post #23 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 02:02 PM
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

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Originally Posted by john117 View Post
Just a note, the 5 Love Languages is a bit overrated... If you've lived with someone for two decades and need a pop psychology quiz to tell you what she likes. It's the equivalent of the silly jewelry store commercial of a guy buying his wife a vacuum for their anniversary...
It's every bit overrated. But it comes down to one thing.

My spouse has needs, maybe needs I don't want or know how to meet, or even care to meet.

The point in five love languages is being in a relationship where you CHOOSE to show love by doing. Love stops being an emotion of "I don't feel like doing the dishes tonight" to, I am "doing this for you" do you choose to be able to except this as an outward expression of love?

If you can't change the mindset after so many years of wedded bliss. I get it. Probably not worth being married at that point unless you like the roomate aspect and maybe she pays half the bills and babysits for ya. So there is that aspect of it as well.

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post #24 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 02:15 PM
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

Does she drink alcohal? If so, does she get frisky when she's tipsy? Maybe she needs some liquid courage if she hates her body. Something isn't right.

Did she grow up in a strict relgious family? She might think sex is bad and is only used to get preggers. Now that she is done having kids, doesn't see a need for it. Does she have an orgasm often with having sex?
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post #25 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:05 AM
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

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Originally Posted by IND Average Guy View Post
Thank you everyone for the insightful advice.
I started the conversation with her about it, and hope to continue it soon. I think some of the books that have been mentioned also seem to be a good place to start. For me, lack of sex will never be grounds for divorce. I'd like for us to have a better relationship in that way, but it doesn't outweigh all of the other great aspects of our marriage. I know it will take some time and effort to improve the current situation in the bedroom.
Regarding the books, anticipate that your wife may feel threatened by you reading books on sexuality, particularly if you read anything written by another women with more sexual prowess.

Try starting with books that focus on the psychology of marriage, and how to improve trust, communication, and confidence with each other, and THEN use those things as tools to begin improving intimacy. Some books may suggest "just do it" as a way of healing and growing together, but that may not always work if you are failing to address something that needs attention outside the bedroom.

Regards,
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post #26 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:37 AM
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

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That's just the problem, she's ok with the way things are and wants to maintain that because she knows you'll just put up with it. If you make it an issue now, you will all of the sudden become the bad guy and "Mr. *******". She'll give just enough as to not make it make sense for you to divorce over this...but the only way you will ever have a "normal" sex life again is with someone else. This happens to alot of guys. When their wife's are satisfied with their life and you no longer are needed to reach their goals, all the sex goes away. If you don't like it, they get to cash in.
Men do it to their wives, too.
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post #27 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:52 AM
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

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Men do it to their wives, too.
Men don't shut down sex when they have achieved in the marriage what they wanted.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #28 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

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Men don't shut down sex when they have achieved in the marriage what they wanted.
You could rewrite that quote and put me as the husband and my ex as the wife. That's exactly how it went down.
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post #29 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:50 PM
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

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You could rewrite that quote and put me as the husband and my ex as the wife. That's exactly how it went down.
C'mon now Prunus, you're not sticking to the SAME OLD agenda that some continually spout around here and we see in answer to every single post whenever a guy complains his sex life is dead. It's ALWAYS because the wife either wants to 'cash in' on the marriage now that her poor, beleaguered husband has earned all that stuff over the years while she did NOTHING (even though in most threads, the wife has a very good job according to the OP and in some cases, is actually making MORE than the OP husband).

All those facts conveniently get ignored when we're following the 'agenda,' don't you see? Sometimes it becomes such nonsense as "she used him to get where she needed to go and now he's no longer needed because she reached her goals." But rest assured, it's ALWAYS because the woman had some diabolical plot to rob some innocent man of his money or his life.

Good lord, what it must be like to be so damned paranoid.

So stop being a dissenter Prunus, infusing some reality into things, and get with the program instead.
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post #30 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
C'mon now Prunus, you're not sticking to the SAME OLD agenda that some continually spout around here and we see in answer to every single post whenever a guy complains his sex life is dead. It's ALWAYS because the wife either wants to 'cash in' on the marriage now that her poor, beleaguered husband has earned all that stuff over the years while she did NOTHING (even though in most threads, the wife has a very good job according to the OP and in some cases, is actually making MORE than the OP husband).

All those facts conveniently get ignored when we're following the 'agenda,' don't you see? Sometimes it becomes such nonsense as "she used him to get where she needed to go and now he's no longer needed because she reached her goals." But rest assured, it's ALWAYS because the woman had some diabolical plot to rob some innocent man of his money or his life.

Good lord, what it must be like to be so damned paranoid.

So stop being a dissenter Prunus, infusing some reality into things, and get with the program instead.
Well, it's time to change their thinking! My sexless marriage had nothing to do with me. Ex turned it off as soon as we got back from the honeymoon. He just wanted another mommy to do his laundry, cook for him, clean, pop out some kids, etc. At first he didn't even set his alarm clock. I was dumb and would wake up up, make coffee and help get his breakfast. I finally asked about the alarm clock and he said that was expected of me. I never woke him up again. He only planned 2 dates our entire marriage (almost 23 years) and the one time I'm pretty sure it was the OW idea. But, he had no problem making plans and going out with friends, which I encouraged. Everyone needs their friends, too. And, if it weren't for me, I know he wouldn't be where he is. I know this because the man never makes decisions. When he got the job he's been at most of our marriage, it was because I picked. He had several good offers and he just couldn't decide. He pulled all the strings and pushed all of the buttons until I picked for him. He did this with everything. It was maddening.

So, there, I'm taking some credit for some of his success! I was also the one that stood behind him through school and homework. I was the one that motivated him to finish (dating at the time) while I worked 3 jobs. No, I didn't push him. I was told that I was the reason he finally finished school. I will take zero credit for the sexless marriage. But, I will take credit for foolishly staying in that awful train wreck of a marriage. Everything I did was the wrong way or silly or whatever. I had zero self-esteem (obviously) and I'm working on that. I have a long road ahead of me.

Back to doing what I was doing before I went on a tirade. Sorry about that. It's really not a tirade, just facts on how it's not always the woman's fault.

Last edited by prunus; 03-16-2017 at 02:44 PM.
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