Suggestions for sexless marriage - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:22 PM
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post #32 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:28 PM
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

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Originally Posted by IND Average Guy View Post
Thank you everyone for the insightful advice.
I started the conversation with her about it, and hope to continue it soon. I think some of the books that have been mentioned also seem to be a good place to start. For me, lack of sex will never be grounds for divorce. I'd like for us to have a better relationship in that way, but it doesn't outweigh all of the other great aspects of our marriage. I know it will take some time and effort to improve the current situation in the bedroom.
I hope conversations work for you. My wife refused to address her baggage issues until I threatened divorce.

She may know you would never leave, and that trust leads to better intimacy.

OR

She may know you would never leave, and ignores your needs in the marriage cuz you ain't goin nowhere.

I hope it's the first one.
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post #33 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:29 AM
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

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That's just the problem, she's ok with the way things are and wants to maintain that because she knows you'll just put up with it. If you make it an issue now, you will all of the sudden become the bad guy and "Mr. *******". She'll give just enough as to not make it make sense for you to divorce over this...but the only way you will ever have a "normal" sex life again is with someone else. This happens to alot of guys. When their wife's are satisfied with their life and you no longer are needed to reach their goals, all the sex goes away. If you don't like it, they get to cash in.
Thoroughly disagree. Yes, it can happen, but there's just as much chance that a kick in the pants is what she needs to get the engine going again.

As for the theory that she's where she wants to be in life, therefore there's no need for sex anymore - BS. Most definitely in this particular situation. SHE works as well. She travels for work, and seems to have a stressful job. She contributes to the marriage and finances just as much (perhaps more) than he does.

This is nothing more than your classic marriage in which each person has different priorities. These priorities are almost always fluid and change over time, with each stage of life. And whether we want to say it out loud or not, it's almost always the woman who de-prioritizes sex. It often has nothing to do with the husband. Sometimes it does, but not nearly as much as some men think.

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post #34 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 09:04 AM
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

IND Average Guy,

There are circumstances in life that weigh heavily on oneself, and one's partner can sense that in one's words, actions, affect. This must not be one.

If she sees you slide into a funk about this, or senses resentmentments that can so easily creep your into your soul, then the problem becomes ten times harder to solve.

Yet, at the same time, you must not pretend it doesn't matter, because it matters.

I suspect the best approach is to convey over time, directly and indirectly, that:

* You are content and whole within yourself, and you value the connection that you share

* The vision you have for your life you includes physical intimacy, and that vision has not changed during your relationship

* Your desire for fulfilling physical intimacy is no different in importance, no less worthy of respect, than yours and others' needs for other shared experiences, adventures, acts of service, kindness, etc.

At some point, I think you have to clearly state:

* Barring some physical ailment or injury/assault in the past, the ignoring of what you want and/or need in the relationship is something you see as a choice she is making on a daily basis,

* It is within her power to choose differently, generously working with you in whatever way she honestly needs to make following through feel more natural

* Though you are content within yourself, and very loving and patient, you are human -- and, whether you resist heroically and stoically or not, there will come a day when you find your relationship has been devalued enough in your unconscious and then conscious parts of your brain, everything will be irreversibly different for you. (At least you've heard from others on this path that that can be the destination.

* You intend to have a full rich life, and your hope and expectation has always been she is there fully engaged with you.

* You hope she will understand that you both need to be actively choosing the behaviors that support that.

* If that is what she wants, then you need to know right now.

* Otherwise, you need to see commitment and simultaneously action towards restoring your relationship --starting now.


Btw, "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel is a very good non-pathologizing book worth looking at. There's something to be said re. the notion of the "third" mentioned in that book. That may be the only incentiviser you have to work with, and deftly leveraged may honor your commitment to this marriage more than might first appear.

"We are only here briefly, and in this moment I want to allow myself joy." -- Amy, from Spike Jonze's "Her"

Last edited by PieceOfSky; 03-17-2017 at 11:46 AM. Reason: Reformatted for clarity, I hope
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post #35 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 09:08 AM
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

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As for the theory that she's where she wants to be in life, therefore there's no need for sex anymore - BS. Most definitely in this particular situation. SHE works as well. She travels for work, and seems to have a stressful job. She contributes to the marriage and finances just as much (perhaps more) than he does.

This is nothing more than your classic marriage in which each person has different priorities. These priorities are almost always fluid and change over time, with each stage of life. And whether we want to say it out loud or not, it's almost always the woman who de-prioritizes sex. It often has nothing to do with the husband. Sometimes it does, but not nearly as much as some men think.
Yes, she works, is successful now and realizes she doesn't need hubby for anything anymore and could certainly do without his constant annoying requests for sex. I think it's more than just changing priorities here. It's pretty clear that she doesn't want sex and now she's in a place where she can make that happen.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #36 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 10:22 AM
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

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It's pretty clear that she doesn't want sex and now she's in a place where she can make that happen.
With him. She clearly doesn't want sex with him. We have no idea whether she might want sex with someone else.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #37 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:32 PM
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Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage

i am wondering if there is some underlying medical condition she has that is killing her libido? Overweight, high stress job, tired all the time....i am thinking diabetes or a thyroid problem. Have her go to the doctor and get an A1C test for blood sugar, and have her hormones tested to see if there is a thyroid issue.
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