Re: Suggestions for sexless marriage
IND Average Guy,
There are circumstances in life that weigh heavily on oneself, and one's partner can sense that in one's words, actions, affect. This must not be one.
If she sees you slide into a funk about this, or senses resentmentments that can so easily creep your into your soul, then the problem becomes ten times harder to solve.
Yet, at the same time, you must not pretend it doesn't matter, because it matters.
I suspect the best approach is to convey over time, directly and indirectly, that:
* You are content and whole within yourself, and you value the connection that you share
* The vision you have for your life you includes physical intimacy, and that vision has not changed during your relationship
* Your desire for fulfilling physical intimacy is no different in importance, no less worthy of respect, than yours and others' needs for other shared experiences, adventures, acts of service, kindness, etc.
At some point, I think you have to clearly state:
* Barring some physical ailment or injury/assault in the past, the ignoring of what you want and/or need in the relationship is something you see as a choice she is making on a daily basis,
* It is within her power to choose differently, generously working with you in whatever way she honestly needs to make following through feel more natural
* Though you are content within yourself, and very loving and patient, you are human -- and, whether you resist heroically and stoically or not, there will come a day when you find your relationship has been devalued enough in your unconscious and then conscious parts of your brain, everything will be irreversibly different for you. (At least you've heard from others on this path that that can be the destination.
* You intend to have a full rich life, and your hope and expectation has always been she is there fully engaged with you.
* You hope she will understand that you both need to be actively choosing the behaviors that support that.
* If that is what she wants, then you need to know right now.
* Otherwise, you need to see commitment and simultaneously action towards restoring your relationship --starting now.
Btw, "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel is a very good non-pathologizing book worth looking at. There's something to be said re. the notion of the "third" mentioned in that book. That may be the only incentiviser you have to work with, and deftly leveraged may honor your commitment to this marriage more than might first appear.
"We are only here briefly, and in this moment I want to allow myself joy." -- Amy, from Spike Jonze's "Her"
Last edited by PieceOfSky; 03-17-2017 at 11:46 AM.
Reason: Reformatted for clarity, I hope