Don't want sex when he's been drinking - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 06:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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Perhaps hint at what you are going to head upstairs to do before he gets the beer? Invite him to join you if he doesn't grab a beer? Not sure how to choose the words just right. A hint, at the right time.

It does tend to sound like a power struggle, and he is trying to break your will.

I hate to say that, but, yeah, it could be that.

I wish men weren't like that, but... we are. Silly creatures.
A couple of posters have mentioned a 'power struggle'. I'm not quite sure what that means in practice even though I understand the term- do you mean it is something a husband will do consciously or purposely to assert power/ to manipulate/ to disrespect? Or do you mean it's a 'natural' thing he's unlikely to be aware of?
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post #17 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 06:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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4-5 every night he's not working seems excessive to me. And I wouldn't want sex with my husband after he's had 4-5 beers either.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. He's making alcohol more of a priority than your marriage.
Gosh, that's concerning. Do you really think I should be thinking about it as seriously as that? I mean, it IS an issue but I wasn't thinking that it could cost my marriage.
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post #18 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 06:28 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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I like your thinking! If it wasn't for the fact we have children, I'd do exactly that!
be creative
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post #19 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 06:35 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

Ah hah, so we've gotten to the actual problem. It's not just beer breath that bothers you, it's the fact that it changes the way he acts, and not in a desirable way. Also, you lost your grandfather (was it the booze that killed him or just age?) which seems to scare you. I will say this, everyone is affected by alcohol differently in the mental and physical ways, and also in the overall life way. Everyone's definition of "alcoholic" is different as well. Personally, I'd say it's not the quantity of alcohol consumed that warrants alcoholism, it's the balance between booze and life. I drink several glasses of wine every single night before bed, and my lady will drink with me about 25% of the time. In so many words I'd say my life is mostly unaffected by alcohol. I don't have any booze-related regrets that I can think of either, and no one has ever said anything in the realm of "you should drink less" or that my drinking has affected them. I have to say, my lady has indicated that she actually finds booze-breath attractive, she calls it manly. I become an animal if I have a little nip before the action.

Regardless, the problem is that the amount of alcohol he consumes regularly, it's having an undesirable (for you) result on his behavior, and you find it unattractive. I STRONGLY disagree with some of the suggestions above, such as masturbating when he drinks a beer, don't play head games like that. Communicate with your husband, it doesn't sound like you have expressed to him enough how much this affects you, he's probably completely unaware of the pattern of not having sex when he drinks. Just find a compromise, work out a solution that works for the both of you. This really doesn't sound like and probably shouldn't be this big of an issue.

Or tell him to start smoking weed. Sex on THC is quite underrated. It's absolutely NOTHING like just being stoned, so don't go on saying "it makes me paranoid", that's from lack of tolerance and a poor set/setting. I'm serious, try it, you don't have to get BAKED out of your mind, just a little puff and hit the sack!
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post #20 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 06:45 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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Hello lovely forum peeps. This is my first post, though I have been reading the awesome advice on here for some time now. I was hoping to call on that advice now.

So... I enjoy sex 3 or 4 times a week but find it repugnant when my husband has been drinking. I hate the smell of alcohol on his breath and it is a deal breaker for me for physical intimacy.

I have told him this and it feels like he's making the choice between beer and sex at the moment which makes me feel rejected. This can result in only one time per week which isn't enough and leaves me frustrated and cross.

Some of you might suggest me having a drink with him to offset the smell but I have to get up super early for work and even 1 drink makes me feel horrid in the morning. I have had a drink on a work night before now because I'd like to be intimate with him but I always regret it.

I bath and shave my legs every night, put on a nice dress. I even bought erotic underwear recently and wear that under my dress so it's clear I'd like to get it on. I thought this would entice him away from the fridge and towards me but it's not working!

It's getting to the point where I'll spend the evening feeing anger as soon as he opens the first can which ruins our evening together. I've just been deciding to go to bed earlier than normal to avoid this situation.

So I'd like to tap into your collective wisdom about these questions:
1. Am I being mean for thinking/ feeling this way?
2. Do you think he is drinking to deliberately not have sex with me?
3. How can I get him not to drink so we can be intimate instead?
4. Any other suggestions or advice appreciated!
So, why not initiate before he has the first beer?

My wife can't stand beer breath. She also doesn't like sex. If it's going to happen, I have to initiate, so I at least don't make the attempt after a beer...or anything else. However, in my case, attempting initiation may begin her thinking about it, which may result in action two hours later...and I'm trying to figure out how to navigate this better!!!

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #21 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 06:51 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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Gosh, that's concerning. Do you really think I should be thinking about it as seriously as that? I mean, it IS an issue but I wasn't thinking that it could cost my marriage.
I hadn't seen the quantity aspect.

There's a Federal level agency that strives to maintain standards for addictive behaviors. Some associated with substance abuse, but there are LOTS of others...for instance, more than an hour every day on Facebook, etc, is now consider an addiction.

Anyway, for alcohol:
Men:
2 drinks per day, every single day, is the max to not be considered addicted
If drinking is not every day - but maybe once to thrice per week - then 3 drinks at a sitting is considered not an addiction.
If the drinks are spread out further, maybe it's not an addiction, but spreading 4 drinks out over the course of a day seems like a formula for a low-productivity day

Women:
1 drink per day, every single day...not addicted
2 drinks at one sitting, if not drinking every day - not addicted

Sorta like men, but one less drink.

I don't know if the change between men/women is due to assumptions that women are physically smaller or if it's the differences in processing emotions that are caused by cultural conditioning.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #22 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 06:53 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

Jeez there were a lot of posts as I was writing that. This has my vote for "most over-reacted-to thread of the week".

Power struggle? He's trying to break your will? Leave with the kids and go to a hotel? Are you guys freaking serious????

You are all enabling her anxiety. She said very plainly, it's simply a turn-off when he drinks beer, that's ALL. He's not beating her, he's not committing crimes, he's not cheating, he's not draining the bank account, he's not abusing the children, he's sitting back and having a couple brews, which simply makes her not want to have sex with him. Look at her responses after the initial post, you are SCARING HER! Look at what you're doing to her:

Quote:
Gosh, that's concerning. Do you really think I should be thinking about it as seriously as that? I mean, it IS an issue but I wasn't thinking that it could cost my marriage.
JUST TALK TO HIM. DONE. You clearly have not done enough to communicate this to him, because you even said you try dressing sexy and it doesn't work, which means you're being passive aggressive. Have an adult conversation with your husband. If he's resistant, or doesn't make the changes after your conversation, then come back and let's talk.

Ah screw it. DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE!

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post #23 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 06:58 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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A couple of posters have mentioned a 'power struggle'. I'm not quite sure what that means in practice even though I understand the term- do you mean it is something a husband will do consciously or purposely to assert power/ to manipulate/ to disrespect? Or do you mean it's a 'natural' thing he's unlikely to be aware of?
It could be either. Men do it all the time. If they are aware they are doing it, and continue to do it, it is disrespect.

It could be just on the periphery of his thoughts. You told him to stop a behavior he doesn't want to stop. It's possible he is just reacting from the gut, (beer gut?) and digging in his heels. He isn't going to give up his vice even if he knows he should in large part because he will "loose face" and thinks he looses the war between the sexes.

You probably should recommend to him that the two of you go see a counselor to try to figure out why he won't compromise with you on this. Perhaps he doesn't even realize he has gotten his back up and is digging his heels in, so to speak.

Men do this sort of crazy stuff all the time, sadly.
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post #24 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 07:05 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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Gosh, that's concerning. Do you really think I should be thinking about it as seriously as that? I mean, it IS an issue but I wasn't thinking that it could cost my marriage.
It will only cost you your marriage if after you clearly let your husband know that his drinking 4-5 beers a night bothers you and he continues to do it. He needs to deal with his stress like a grownup and find healthier outlets, like lifting weights, instead of escaping with beer while turning off his wife in the process.

I'd think hard about how much alcohol you feel comfortable with (how many beers can he drink before his behavior changes and he becomes a turnoff?). Ask him to agree to limit his drinking to 3 a night. And no sex after 2 if that's your boundary.

As for power struggles, if he continues to drink 4-5 a night and it continues to effect your intimacy, he's the one forcing you to put up with this in your marriage. That's not ok.
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post #25 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 07:07 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

Sometimes these types of power struggles are played out subconsciously, and all it takes is getting the person to stop and think about it to get them to change how they do things.
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post #26 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 07:40 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

If your husband is stressed from work and perhaps has a compulsive tendency towards beer to help him unwind, step back for a moment and think about that. Is there something he can do or that you can do for him to help him unwind that is just as enjoyable if not more enjoyable than beer?

This way you are not taking away his ability to self sooth and calm himself, but instead you can help him with an alternate solution. At the same time you can acknowledge his desire to unwind and try to appreciate that aspect of his personality.

An example might be getting him a harley motorbike and encouraging him to go for a ride (if you live somewhere that it is nice for doing this outdoors) to clear his mind and get away from everything for a moment. Obviously he will know he can't drink and drive, and the thrill of riding a bike will be a great trade off for giving up the beer.

Another example might be to substitute beer with some of his favorite candy and sodas he would have enjoyed as a child. For one of my best buds this is cheery coke and slim jims, and then we go play some video games (yes even as older folks 40+)!

Cheers,
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post #27 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:10 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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Originally Posted by Becka View Post
Gosh, that's concerning. Do you really think I should be thinking about it as seriously as that? I mean, it IS an issue but I wasn't thinking that it could cost my marriage.


4-5 beers a night is a great way to kill your liver and a very nasty way to die.
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post #28 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:17 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

Alcoholic here...If his drinking is causing you (his wife) a problem then drinking is a problem period!....He won't think so...you may want to go to an Alanon meeting (support group for family member of Alcoholics.)... When my wife did that...it shock me....took awhile for me to realize the problem....14 sober months (only drank on weekends, snow days, vacs etc) for me and I'm never going back there...There is no specific amount of drinking that shows toy do or don't have a problem....My wife really woke me up maybe you can do the same...and I'll tell you it's not easy for anybody...

Best of luck....we are here to help get through this....
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post #29 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:49 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

I see a power struggle as when a couple argues about something that doesn't really matter to either, but each insists on getting their own way anyway. In this case if one of you didn't really care about drinking (or not drinking) but refused to back down anyway it would be a power struggle. *You* know how important his not drinking is to you, but you can't know how important drinking is to him. For him its the reverse.

I only worry about a "power struggle" when it is repeated over many things. When one partner seems to think *everything* is important to them.

Assuming this is not a power struggle, and nothing you have said makes me think it is, then I think the following:

I think it is perfectly fine for you to not want sex when he has been drinking, or hasn't washed, or a variety of other *reasonable* restrictions. If alcohol before sex is really important to him, then I see two possibilities:

He might need alcohol in order to relax enough for sex. Do you think that could be the case?

He might be an alcoholic who can't do without even on the nights you are going to have sex.

Of course it could also be a power struggle on his part that he doesn't want to give in.


The amount you describe him drinking sounds concerning to me. I'm not the best judge: I had an alcoholic mother, and have sworn off all alcohol. This gives me a biased opinion, but with that bias I think what you want is completely reasonable.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Becka View Post
A couple of posters have mentioned a 'power struggle'. I'm not quite sure what that means in practice even though I understand the term- do you mean it is something a husband will do consciously or purposely to assert power/ to manipulate/ to disrespect? Or do you mean it's a 'natural' thing he's unlikely to be aware of?
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post #30 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:01 AM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

I live with a dry drunk/recovering alcoholic

YOur H drinking seems to be excessive, he may have alcohol dependence issues
You might try and get him to go out that evening to a movie, the park, etc so drinking is not the focus (it could be a habit)
You tell him this when he is sober, how it is affecting your marriage and you are unhappy
Consider going to Al anon.
You could also move out of the bedrooms those night and tell him you will not be sleeping with him (he can choose)
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