Don't want sex when he's been drinking - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 05:59 AM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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Originally Posted by ThisIsAUserName View Post
Jeez there were a lot of posts as I was writing that. This has my vote for "most over-reacted-to thread of the week".

Power struggle? He's trying to break your will? Leave with the kids and go to a hotel? Are you guys freaking serious????

You are all enabling her anxiety. She said very plainly, it's simply a turn-off when he drinks beer, that's ALL. He's not beating her, he's not committing crimes, he's not cheating, he's not draining the bank account, he's not abusing the children, he's sitting back and having a couple brews, which simply makes her not want to have sex with him. Look at her responses after the initial post, you are SCARING HER! Look at what you're doing to her:



JUST TALK TO HIM. DONE. You clearly have not done enough to communicate this to him, because you even said you try dressing sexy and it doesn't work, which means you're being passive aggressive. Have an adult conversation with your husband. If he's resistant, or doesn't make the changes after your conversation, then come back and let's talk.

Ah screw it. DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE!
I don't think anyone is overreacting and becca is right to be concerned and frustrated.

Not enjoying sex is incredibly problematic in relationships and quickly escalates into no sex at all and then....big problems.

Not being able to give up an intoxicating substance when your nearest and dearest asks (with reasonable justification) is a huge red flag for other more serious emotional issues. This is not necessarily the early stages of alcoholism but it may be the slippery slope of losing touch with your priorities and responsibilities. And ultimately it is insulting to have your husband choose crap over you - been there and its very hurtful.
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post #32 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 06:48 AM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

@Becka

When you met did he always drink beer?


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post #33 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:55 AM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

He drinks way too much. Everyone likes to wind down and relax after a day of work... some people don't have healthy coping mechanisms like your husband.

I wouldn't have sex with my husband if he was drinking 4-5 cans of beer a night either. But he probably thinks you are controlling or manipulating him with sex.

Talk to him about it. That's all you can do. Maybe come to an agreement, 2 beers a night instead of 5. You need to bend too.
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post #34 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:41 AM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

make a wager with him

bet him he can't go a month without drinking.

anybody who can't give up drinking for a month without a problem has a problem.

if he accepts make sure to try and do fun stuff without the drinking involved so he might catch on that you don't need drinks to unwind and have fun.

if he balks ask him to do it because he loves you. if he refuses then he loves beer more than you.
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post #35 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:51 AM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

If he's getting it 3 to 4 times a week, he's not going to change anything. You have to put the ole stop sign up when he's been drinking, not just do it anyway.

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post #36 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:07 AM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

I'm going to be the voice of dissent here.

Sex 4 times a week? He sounds like he doesn't NEED it or WANT it times a week. That's a bit much - especially if its basically the same old same old each time. Believe it or not, that does lose it's luster after a while.

Case in point - my brother. The guy who'll take it any time, any place, any day, any hour. Thought he'd died and gone to heaven when he married a highly sexed woman who was just like him - wanted it all the time. After a few years, the novelty wore off for him. He got tired of coming home from work finding her with a candlelight dinner on the table with 'dessert' in the bedroom, or her being dressed in a negligee ready to shower with him and then take it to the bedroom. He just grew plain tired of it after a while and started finding excuses not to come home directly from work anymore. He put in overtime, went out with friends for happy hour after work, anything to avoid going straight home.

Your husband is just doing the same thing. Except his method of choice is drinking too much beer. He knows darned well sex is off the table if he drinks - and there he sits - drinking most nights.

You do the math.
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post #37 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

Thank you for your responses; a really mixed bag of comments and ideas!

I don't really want to play 'mind games' with him. It worries me that people think me dressing nicely etc are 'passive aggressive' or manipulative in some way. That's not my intention at all- I just want him to want sex more than beer and I figured that making myself as appealing as possible is a good way to encourage that. After all, if I'm slopping around in pyjamas or still wearing work clothes, it isn't going to inspire him too much!

Maybe I was misunderstood- we don't have sex 3-4 times per week, that's how much I would like. When he's drinking, it's probably once which is too little for me.

He's always enjoyed a drink but I guess in previous years, it's not been every night he's off work like it is now. If it's the weekend, I will have a drink with him and then I don't notice the strong smell on him because I've had some too.

He does have a decent sex drive but maybe it's his age- is it likely that men in their 40s simply don't want sex as much when they get older? But then, he does still touch me and try to get me to have sex when he's had a drink.

I like the idea of making his options more explicit- but I have showered with him, given him massages, send flirty texts and so on so he does know.

I just don't know. We do have a good marriage in so many other ways!
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post #38 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:28 AM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

Ok. So he started drinking a little more. I honestly don't think he has a drinking problem. 3-5 beers a night is nothing for a man that likes beer. If he has his priorities straight I see no issue.

Some people's replies are correct that it's the same ol vagina. I'd be careful harping him about 3-5 beers a day. It might bite you in the ass and he'll think you're controlling him.

*Edit*

I've change my thoughts a little. If it bothers you that bad. I guess see if he could reduce his beer intake.

1 beer = 2-3 to majority off the men I know.

When you're married you have to compromise. I just don't know when it ends when it comes to compromising with your spouse. After years together with someone you notice little traits or habits in someone. Then all of a sudden they have to change. I don't get it.

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Last edited by Juice; 03-17-2017 at 06:46 AM.
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post #39 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:45 AM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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Ah hah, so we've gotten to the actual problem. It's not just beer breath that bothers you, it's the fact that it changes the way he acts, and not in a desirable way. Also, you lost your grandfather (was it the booze that killed him or just age?) which seems to scare you. I will say this, everyone is affected by alcohol differently in the mental and physical ways, and also in the overall life way. Everyone's definition of "alcoholic" is different as well. Personally, I'd say it's not the quantity of alcohol consumed that warrants alcoholism, it's the balance between booze and life. I drink several glasses of wine every single night before bed, and my lady will drink with me about 25% of the time. In so many words I'd say my life is mostly unaffected by alcohol. I don't have any booze-related regrets that I can think of either, and no one has ever said anything in the realm of "you should drink less" or that my drinking has affected them. I have to say, my lady has indicated that she actually finds booze-breath attractive, she calls it manly. I become an animal if I have a little nip before the action.

Regardless, the problem is that the amount of alcohol he consumes regularly, it's having an undesirable (for you) result on his behavior, and you find it unattractive. I STRONGLY disagree with some of the suggestions above, such as masturbating when he drinks a beer, don't play head games like that. Communicate with your husband, it doesn't sound like you have expressed to him enough how much this affects you, he's probably completely unaware of the pattern of not having sex when he drinks. Just find a compromise, work out a solution that works for the both of you. This really doesn't sound like and probably shouldn't be this big of an issue.

Or tell him to start smoking weed. Sex on THC is quite underrated. It's absolutely NOTHING like just being stoned, so don't go on saying "it makes me paranoid", that's from lack of tolerance and a poor set/setting. I'm serious, try it, you don't have to get BAKED out of your mind, just a little puff and hit the sack!
Being an alcoholic doesn't mean you get rip-roaring drunk, or even get slightly tipsy. I think people often correlate "alcoholic" with excessive drinking, which isn't the case.

As alcohol generally has a calming effect, it may only require 1 or 2 drinks to achieve that. But if it's the calming effect one is specifically looking for, and 1 or 2 drinks is required - you're an alcoholic, don't kid yourself.

In this particular case, OP's hubby knows the negative effects it is having on the marriage, yet continues to have a few beers anyway. Just because he doesn't drink on work nights, or drinks himself into a stupor, doesn't mean he doesn't have an addiction. What's his drinking like during vacation (holiday), when he doesn't have to work for a week or two? What's it going to be like when he's retired?

Bottom line, he knows the effect it's having on his wife, yet he chooses to go that route anyway. That's a problem.

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post #40 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 07:05 AM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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If your husband is stressed from work and perhaps has a compulsive tendency towards beer to help him unwind, step back for a moment and think about that. Is there something he can do or that you can do for him to help him unwind that is just as enjoyable if not more enjoyable than beer?
Yeah, she can bang his brains out! Oh, wait...

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post #41 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:13 AM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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Yeah, she can bang his brains out! Oh, wait...
Beer is likely about him needing to unwind AND have some personal space! So if you come home from a stressful job of dealing with people intensely all day, perhaps it is difficult to transition from that straight into your wife all up in your your face banging your brains out. Odds are the guy needs a little space to unwind. How can she help him do that without beer?

I could be wrong though!

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post #42 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:21 AM
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I think it's interesting... in so many threads, we have men lamenting that they want more of a sex life, they'd love to have sex a few times a week with their partner. Here we have so many responses that of course he doesn't want his wife "in his face" wanting sex a few times a week...guy needs to unwind with his beer instead... isn't interested in the "same old vagina" after years together.

Wow.
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post #43 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:44 AM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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I think it's interesting... in so many threads, we have men lamenting that they want more of a sex life, they'd love to have sex a few times a week with their partner. Here we have so many responses that of course he doesn't want his wife "in his face" wanting sex a few times a week...guy needs to unwind with his beer instead... isn't interested in the "same old vagina" after years together.

Wow.
The thing is he's different from the majority of men on this site. I guarantee that he's not searching forums on how to have a better sex life.

By the sounds of it his appetite is full and his needs are being met by OP. Clean shaven everyday, outfits, and a wife that can't get enough. Lucky man!

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post #44 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 09:05 AM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

Different men, different women.

We also don't hear much from the couples who have well matched interests in sex - they are too busy having great sex to post here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Livvie View Post
I think it's interesting... in so many threads, we have men lamenting that they want more of a sex life, they'd love to have sex a few times a week with their partner. Here we have so many responses that of course he doesn't want his wife "in his face" wanting sex a few times a week...guy needs to unwind with his beer instead... isn't interested in the "same old vagina" after years together.

Wow.
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post #45 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 10:10 AM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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As alcohol generally has a calming effect, it may only require 1 or 2 drinks to achieve that. But if it's the calming effect one is specifically looking for, and 1 or 2 drinks is required - you're an alcoholic, don't kid yourself.
Scuse me?? This is ridiculous. Any doctor will tell you that 1-2 drinks a day is not a problem, and may in fact help you de-stress. In fact I have had at least 3 different dr's recommend a drink or two a day for various reasons. Beer for breast milk supply, red wine for heart health, and a couple beers on a Friday night in the hot tub to help me relax.

If someone has a glass or two a day because it helps them relax they aren't an alcoholic. Especially if it improves their quality of life. We're constantly told we all carry far too much stress. Alcoholics drink to their DETRIMENT, health wise or family wise or whatever. I also wouldn't consider someone a problem drinker if they have a beer a day but their wife doesn't like it. That's the wife's problem.

Maybe if people weren't so uptight about drinking alcohol, and told that one or two drinks a day makes them an alcoholic, they'd be healthier.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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