Don't want sex when he's been drinking - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #46 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 10:10 AM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

Seems like there are a lot of extreme responses/advice here.

I think you just need to sit him down and talk to him--on a day when he isn't drinking. Tell him that when he drinks, it affects his personality and it is a big sexual turn-off for you, and it's damaging the intimacy in your marriage. And drinking 4-5 beers, zoned out in front of the TV means that he's not really present in the relationship. (OK, he may not zone out in front of the TV, I may have just inferred this, but whatever he's doing while he's drinking, he's not present...) If the two of you don't work together to find a solution to this problem, it's going to become a much bigger problem in the future, and by that point it might not be fixable. Tell him you appreciate that he is stressed with work and that he needs to decompress, but he also needs to be an active participant and present in your marriage, and he can't do that if he continues to drink like this every night. Tell him you would like to find some middle ground where he has the opportunity and some outlet to relieve his stress, but you also need him present in the relationship.

I do like the "no drinking for a month" challenge, and that may be worth a shot.

If he refuses to do this--cut back the drinking and focus on the relationship--then you have a problem. That means that he values the beer more than you, and that means that he has a substance dependency problem.

Deal with that bridge when you get there. First, talk with him and find out what the deal is. He may not recognize how much you are bothered, or how his behavior is hurting the marriage. If you don't tell him, he won't know.

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post #47 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 11:01 AM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

I love garlic!
My husband does not.

There is no such thing as too much garlic.
My husband disagrees.

I love the smell of garlic...very Italian family growing up.
My husband hates the smell of garlic.


After trying to find a way to have my garlic and wash, cleanse, brush teeth, gargle etc the garlic away, I realized I could have garlic to my hearts content and very little sex, or lots of sex and very little garlic.

I picked sex.

These are the compromises marriages deal with. No couple can be perfectly compatible. No one spouse should be the one demanding a compromise or trade off all the time.

Have you asked your husband why he drinks beer when he knows you hate the smell and the effects?
Have you asked him if he feels like you're trying to control him?
Have you asked him how often he wants to have sex, ideally?

Are you certain that the problem is that you are not having enough sex?
Are you sure the problem is not that you don't want him to drink as much or as often?

If he drank wine or fireball shots (or something that doesn't have the beer smell you find offensive) would you react to the smell the way you do with beer?

I think you need to be absolutely certain which point is the real problem.
His drinking or the lack of sex.

I suspect you're really beginning to react to his drinking and it is his drinking that is the problem.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #48 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 11:27 AM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

garlic or sex........thats a tough one

but i think sex would be my pick.
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post #49 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 11:49 AM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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Originally Posted by ZedZ View Post
Alcoholic here...If his drinking is causing you (his wife) a problem then drinking is a problem period!....He won't think so...you may want to go to an Alanon meeting (support group for family member of Alcoholics.)... When my wife did that...it shock me....took awhile for me to realize the problem....14 sober months (only drank on weekends, snow days, vacs etc) for me and I'm never going back there...There is no specific amount of drinking that shows toy do or don't have a problem....My wife really woke me up maybe you can do the same...and I'll tell you it's not easy for anybody...

Best of luck....we are here to help get through this....
Not to encourage excessive drinking, but this is not quite psychologically sound. There are two people in the equation. It is quite possible for someone to be overly sensitive - in fact, in the USA, this is the fastest-growing psychological problem in adults!

My wife has developed a belief that substances are the end-all and be-all for every problem...if she gets the sniffles, she doesn't wonder what's in bloom outside, she wonders what she ate that caused it. If she's upset at things that happened at work, she tries to figure out what food caused this reaction. So, when she looks back over our years together, she observes two things - that at a few social events, she did not like my behavior. And, at a few social events, I had a beer or glass of wine. Now, I don't think there was a problem with my behavior, and in one case I asked the other person involved who said "Oh, I was drunk and out of line. There was nothing wrong with you getting up when I was mid-sentence and leaving, it's probably the best you could have done." On the cases that I recall, the evenings in which she thinks my behavior was inappropriate didn't happen to be the same evenings when I had a drink. However, her insistence that all issues stem from something that one ingests leads her to be incapable of believing anything else. It's not possible that she misinterpreted the situation and it's not possible for me to have behaved that way without a drink.

So, be a bit careful about this broad brush.

What if someone doesn't like your behavior and you don't drink at all? Do you still have a drinking problem?

I've had dedicated twelve-steppers tell me "everybody's an addict. Some have simply not found the substance that will trigger it." Actual psychological studies show that only 5% or so of the population has the propensity to become addicted to substances.


Having said all that, however, the amount OP's husband is drinking is above the limit, according to every statistical measure I've ever read.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #50 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 11:49 AM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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Originally Posted by chillymorn69 View Post
garlic or sex........thats a tough one

but i think sex would be my pick.

It was a damn tough call!!!

Luckily he travels often...garlic roasting, garlic toasting, sautéing, and basting, chopping and mincing ... making garlic bagels today!

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


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post #51 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:24 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
Have you asked him how often he wants to have sex, ideally?

Are you certain that the problem is that you are not having enough sex?
Are you sure the problem is not that you don't want him to drink as much or as often?

If he drank wine or fireball shots (or something that doesn't have the beer smell you find offensive) would you react to the smell the way you do with beer?
I'm thinking the same thing... They are likely developing a sexual mismatch and "beer" has been chosen as the scapegoat.

What happens when he stops drinking and still only wants sex about once a week while she wants it more often around 3x a week? Will she then see the problem for what it is or feel like he is then choosing to hang out with his fishing buddies instead of having sex, and then the problem becomes how to get him to stop from fishing so much (cause his hands will be covered in guts from whatever bait he uses and his cloths will smell fishy which will NOT work for sex).

Badsanta

PS: One of my coworkers had a significant other that would spearfish in the ocean. He once carried a 50 pound catch on his shoulders for a half hour walk back to his truck in the hot sun along the beach. OMG she was NOT happy with him coming home smelling the way he did!!!!!!!

Last edited by badsanta; 03-17-2017 at 12:28 PM.
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post #52 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:50 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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Scuse me?? This is ridiculous. Any doctor will tell you that 1-2 drinks a day is not a problem, and may in fact help you de-stress. In fact I have had at least 3 different dr's recommend a drink or two a day for various reasons. Beer for breast milk supply, red wine for heart health, and a couple beers on a Friday night in the hot tub to help me relax.

If someone has a glass or two a day because it helps them relax they aren't an alcoholic. Especially if it improves their quality of life. We're constantly told we all carry far too much stress. Alcoholics drink to their DETRIMENT, health wise or family wise or whatever. I also wouldn't consider someone a problem drinker if they have a beer a day but their wife doesn't like it. That's the wife's problem.

Maybe if people weren't so uptight about drinking alcohol, and told that one or two drinks a day makes them an alcoholic, they'd be healthier.
I didn't say it's unhealthy to have a drink or two a day. Nor is it unwise to have a drink to unwind and relax.

What I am saying is that if it's necessary to use alcohol (or pot) to do this, then perhaps it's time to re-think the whole thing.

Here we have an account of a man who chooses beer over his wife. I'd say that's a problem. And it's not just 1 or 2 drinks, it's 4 or 5. He's a weekend drinker, but make no mistake, he needs it.

What I'm seeing is that his priorities are work, beer, marriage, in that order. OP is seeing it too, hence her post here. Whether she thinks he has a problem with alcohol or not is irrelevant. But she does think his priorities aren't straight, and I agree.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #53 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:49 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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I didn't say it's unhealthy to have a drink or two a day. Nor is it unwise to have a drink to unwind and relax.

What I am saying is that if it's necessary to use alcohol (or pot) to do this, then perhaps it's time to re-think the whole thing.

Here we have an account of a man who chooses beer over his wife. I'd say that's a problem. And it's not just 1 or 2 drinks, it's 4 or 5. He's a weekend drinker, but make no mistake, he needs it.

What I'm seeing is that his priorities are work, beer, marriage, in that order. OP is seeing it too, hence her post here. Whether she thinks he has a problem with alcohol or not is irrelevant. But she does think his priorities aren't straight, and I agree.
You said that if you need a drink or two a day to unwind and relax you're an alcoholic. That's ridiculous.

I wasn't talking about this guy - this guy obviously has problems that reach far beyond having a few beers.
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post #54 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:50 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

@Becka what did he say when you told him this? You need to be direct with him. His response will tell you everything you need to know.
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post #55 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

Honestly, thank you so much for all your comments. Even though there are some opinions I would consider extreme or not quite applicable, I value all the input.

If my husband was reluctant to have sex, I would be asking a different question of myself and of you. But he would happily still have sex when he's had a drink, like I said he does touch me and 'flirt' even when he's had a drink so if I was up for it, we surely would be intimate. I've thought about this a lot because initially I was thinking that perhaps beer is avoidance but then when I really thought about how he is with me, I don't think it could be.

I think what people have said is right- he feels he wants to have beers to help him relax (even though I would probably advocate that sex would relax him!) so I need to help him think of some alternatives to drinking. I'll offer him a massage and maybe suggest we all go for a walk or something. I can't think of anything else- any suggestions?
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post #56 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:06 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

I like the 'stop drinking for a month' thing.
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post #57 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:07 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

Make a deal with him that if he can do that, you'll take him on a getaway weekend with massages, in-room hot tub, and a bottle of expensive whiskey or something.
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post #58 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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@Becka what did he say when you told him this? You need to be direct with him. His response will tell you everything you need to know.
When I've bought it up before, he'll just say non- committal things like 'I know', usually with a sigh or suggest I have a drink with him.
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post #59 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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Honestly, thank you so much for all your comments. Even though there are some opinions I would consider extreme or not quite applicable, I value all the input.

If my husband was reluctant to have sex, I would be asking a different question of myself and of you. But he would happily still have sex when he's had a drink, like I said he does touch me and 'flirt' even when he's had a drink so if I was up for it, we surely would be intimate. I've thought about this a lot because initially I was thinking that perhaps beer is avoidance but then when I really thought about how he is with me, I don't think it could be.

I think what people have said is right- he feels he wants to have beers to help him relax (even though I would probably advocate that sex would relax him!) so I need to help him think of some alternatives to drinking. I'll offer him a massage and maybe suggest we all go for a walk or something. I can't think of anything else- any suggestions?
I'm going to give my 2 cents here and say that I think this is the wrong approach. You're not responsible for coming up with alternatives to beer for when he's stressed any more than you're responsible for limiting his daily life stress as much as possible so he doesn't need beer to cope. That's on him. Please reconsider this. You need to set boundaries FOR YOU. Not him. I'd spend time and energy thinking about how much alcohol is acceptable for him to have before his behavior changes and it makes you uncomfortable, and then tell him (3-4 beers max, 2 if he wants to initiate sex?). And come up with alternatives for yourself if he doesn't agree or doesn't respect your boundary.
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post #60 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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I'm going to give my 2 cents here and say that I think this is the wrong approach. You're not responsible for coming up with alternatives to beer for when he's stressed any more than you're responsible for limiting his daily life stress as much as possible so he doesn't need beer to cope. That's on him. Please reconsider this. You need to set boundaries FOR YOU. Not him. I'd spend time and energy thinking about how much alcohol is acceptable for him to have before his behavior changes and it makes you uncomfortable, and then tell him (3-4 beers max, 2 if he wants to initiate sex?). And come up with alternatives for yourself if he doesn't agree or doesn't respect your boundary.
I respectfully disagree. I don't believe I am responsible and I don't believe that offering my support/ suggestions is taking responsibility. I do believe it is my responsibility to try and support the changes I'd like him to make though: teamwork. Perhaps other people may think differently but I don't think a marriage should be my needs versus his. "No man is an island". People may think I'm wrong in that but I certainly believe it.

That said, I do think life is all about evaluation based on the information you have, that's why I'm so pleased to have the wealth of advice, information and comments here.
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