Don't want sex when he's been drinking - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 04:19 PM Thread Starter
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Don't want sex when he's been drinking

Hello lovely forum peeps. This is my first post, though I have been reading the awesome advice on here for some time now. I was hoping to call on that advice now.

So... I enjoy sex 3 or 4 times a week but find it repugnant when my husband has been drinking. I hate the smell of alcohol on his breath and it is a deal breaker for me for physical intimacy.

I have told him this and it feels like he's making the choice between beer and sex at the moment which makes me feel rejected. This can result in only one time per week which isn't enough and leaves me frustrated and cross.

Some of you might suggest me having a drink with him to offset the smell but I have to get up super early for work and even 1 drink makes me feel horrid in the morning. I have had a drink on a work night before now because I'd like to be intimate with him but I always regret it.

I bath and shave my legs every night, put on a nice dress. I even bought erotic underwear recently and wear that under my dress so it's clear I'd like to get it on. I thought this would entice him away from the fridge and towards me but it's not working!

It's getting to the point where I'll spend the evening feeing anger as soon as he opens the first can which ruins our evening together. I've just been deciding to go to bed earlier than normal to avoid this situation.

So I'd like to tap into your collective wisdom about these questions:
1. Am I being mean for thinking/ feeling this way?
2. Do you think he is drinking to deliberately not have sex with me?
3. How can I get him not to drink so we can be intimate instead?
4. Any other suggestions or advice appreciated!
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post #2 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 04:41 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

I'm not sure about your specific questions but when someone is heading towards a drink problem their priorities become very skewed.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all - I have given up/cut down on drink to please my husband because he had an issue with sex and alcohol (i.e he thought I needed to be tipsy to have sex). Having these conversations made cutting down on the booze easy - because he was my priority.

Saying that, I don't think you should take it personally - its not about you - its about him enjoying drinking because it makes him relaxed. Are there some stressful issues in his life that he needs to address? Does he struggle to sleep?
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post #3 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 04:51 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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Originally Posted by Becka View Post

So I'd like to tap into your collective wisdom about these questions:
1. Am I being mean for thinking/ feeling this way? No, you should never have sex when you're turned OFF- this can create an aversion to sex with him at other times.
2. Do you think he is drinking to deliberately not have sex with me? Hard to say- how many beers does he drink and how often? How old and how long have you two been married?
3. How can I get him not to drink so we can be intimate instead? "Honey, I don't want to have sex with you when you've been drinking. Please don't drink so we can have fun together."
4. Any other suggestions or advice appreciated!
It's obvious that your husband's drinking bothers you. In marriage, we should care enough about our spouse to not do things that bother them. If your issue is drinking anything at all ever, then maybe set boundaries, like "It would mean a lot to me if you'd refrain from drinking at least 3xs a week when we're intimate." If he's excessively drinking (more than 4 a night), you might have to take a more rigid stance. "Anytime you drink more than 3-4 beers, I will leave the home and stay in a hotel with our children."
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post #4 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 04:54 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

Is it only the smell you don't like? If that's all it is, ask him to brush his teeth/use mouthwash. Problem solved

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post #5 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 05:04 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

Is there a third option? It seems to me that this is about a smell. And I get that. There are smells that I don't like enough to keep me away. But isn't there a way for him to have a drink of relaxant and not smell bad? Another kind of alcohol? A oral hygiene regimen? I ask this because I'm not an imbiber and have no experience with this.
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post #6 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 05:14 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

Was a parent an alcoholic and perhaps this is triggering a memory? It does for me.


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post #7 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 05:22 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

I think he's an alcoholic.

He probably thinks he's in a power struggle with you. Which is probably just as bad.

Personally I suggest you go to the bedroom and masturbate every time he grabs a beer. When he notices, and tries to have sex with you, tell him no, he chose the beer, so he can go drink his beer while you have fun. Do that every night he chooses a beer.

Hey, let's hope it's a power struggle thing. I hope he's not an alcoholic.

It's just an off the wall suggestion. Sometimes you need to think outside the box.
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post #8 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 05:31 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

I refuse to have sex with my husband when he's drinking. I totally get it.

How much and how often does he drink? That may be the bigger issue.

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post #9 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 05:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

Thank you for your comments so far.

I do find I can still smell the alcohol quite strongly even when he does brush his teeth and use mouthwash. I guess in addition to the smell I find repulsive, the effects of him having a drink is that he's less coordinated and he is just... different when we are intimate.

My grandfather was an alcoholic, he died when I was 12. I had no idea until I was well into adulthood that he was though. There's no family history of alcoholism on his side and that isn't a worry to be honest. He works shifts so is off for 3, on for 3. It's his 3 days off work when he drinks but it's not like he's constantly drinking.

Not sure how to quite correctly but the poster who said he should want to give it up if it bothers me- I agree and I suppose that's why it irks me so much. I think we have a good marriage and it upsets me that he's not willing to sacrifice his couple of beers on my work nights when he knows sex is important to me. In his mind, Im wondering if he thinks I'm the one with the problem and I should just 'get over it'.

Someone else asked if there's stress and yes, his work is very stressful. I understand drinking to relax and if it wasn't for how it affects our intimacy, I would be fine with it.
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post #10 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 05:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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I think he's an alcoholic.

He probably thinks he's in a power struggle with you. Which is probably just as bad.

Personally I suggest you go to the bedroom and masturbate every time he grabs a beer. When he notices, and tries to have sex with you, tell him no, he chose the beer, so he can go drink his beer while you have fun. Do that every night he chooses a beer.

Hey, let's hope it's a power struggle thing. I hope he's not an alcoholic.

It's just an off the wall suggestion. Sometimes you need to think outside the box.
I think this is a good idea, thank you. I'll test it out. Thinking about it though, it might not work though because I've been going to bed and he doesn't come up until he's ready to sleep and I'm already asleep by then. If I told him this was what I was going to do, he'd think that was an invitation to join me! It would feel mean to do that.
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post #11 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 05:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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It's obvious that your husband's drinking bothers you. In marriage, we should care enough about our spouse to not do things that bother them. If your issue is drinking anything at all ever, then maybe set boundaries, like "It would mean a lot to me if you'd refrain from drinking at least 3xs a week when we're intimate." If he's excessively drinking (more than 4 a night), you might have to take a more rigid stance. "Anytime you drink more than 3-4 beers, I will leave the home and stay in a hotel with our children."
I'm 36, he's 39 and we've been married for 12 years. He has maybe 4 or 5 cans of beer, sometimes more and sometimes less but it's just about every time it's not a work night for him.
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post #12 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 05:52 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

bang him before he starts drinking!
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post #13 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 05:53 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

4-5 every night he's not working seems excessive to me. And I wouldn't want sex with my husband after he's had 4-5 beers either.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. He's making alcohol more of a priority than your marriage.

Last edited by Jessica38; 03-15-2017 at 06:00 PM.
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post #14 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 06:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

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bang him before he starts drinking!
I like your thinking! If it wasn't for the fact we have children, I'd do exactly that!
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post #15 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 06:13 PM
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Re: Don't want sex when he's been drinking

Perhaps hint at what you are going to head upstairs to do before he gets the beer? Invite him to join you if he doesn't grab a beer? Not sure how to choose the words just right. A hint, at the right time.

It does tend to sound like a power struggle, and he is trying to break your will.

I hate to say that, but, yeah, it could be that.

I wish men weren't like that, but... we are. Silly creatures.
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