Sex! Just another thing on the todo list - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 02:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Originally Posted by EunuchMonk View Post
You still sound like her servant to me. As @Andy1001 said, your friends are calling you whipped for a reason. They can see something about you that you can't see because it is hard to be fully self-aware at all times. That's why humans exist in community. We can see things in another that they can't see in themselves and vice-versa. I hope you are not "helping" her in return for sex because that is manipulative. If you clean around the house, do it because you want to not because you are expecting something in return. Because when you don't get what you are expecting in return you will get bitter and that will only further damage the relationship.



You need to start getting your own life. Go out more. Not to the point where you are seldom ever home but enough so that you have some surviving social life outside of home. Being this social will open you up to new things, it will make you more confident, and that will be more attractive to your wife. As contradicting as it may sound, being excessively helpful to your woman will actually make her less attracted to you. You have to be your own man. Helping when you see the need and saying no when you don't want to.



Like a previous poster said, read No More Mister Nice Guy. It's free online and I think you will find in it a treasure trove of wisdom.



Godspeed OP


Thanks this is eye opening.
And no I don't do that all to get sex. I do it because it makes her feel loved. If it where a transaction than I would be back at "mechanical sex"
I will read the book
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post #17 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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About a year ago.
How was that? Where did you go. Just you two?
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post #18 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 02:27 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

I think you should stop doing things around the house. Stop cleaning, stop doing things that make her feel loved.

When she asks why, say "Guys don't like to do those things like girls do. It is only husbands in sitcoms and movies that do that stuff. Cleaning and taking care of the home is for women."
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post #19 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 02:28 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

Current theories of human sexuality suggest a "dual system." One for arousal, and another for inhibition. Arousal is like a gas pedal and inhibition is like a brake pedal.

For women, most researchers tend to suggest they they have a much stronger system of inhibition than compared to men. This potentially allows them to be more selective.

So if your wife has things like stress causing her system of inhibition to lock down, no matter how much pressure you put on the gas pedal to get her aroused it is not going to work. She can also perceive your attempts to get her aroused as something that makes her feel inadequate for you which can cause frustration and stress, which can also cause her system of inhibition to lock down. In this context things that would normally be arousing for her may now seem like a source of anxiety which could cause her to become confused regarding what works and what does not regarding her arousal.

Odds are her arousal could be in response to a form of sexual validation, such as knowing she makes you happy. The happier you are the easier she gets aroused. The more frustrated you are, the more she becomes inhibited. I'm not saying that is it, but most women actually do have a very strong desire to simply please their man.

My advice would be to try and be easy to please, work on her confidence, and strive for an emotional connection during lovemaking and just allow her arousal to happen or not happen all on its on.

Regards,
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post #20 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 02:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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I think you should stop doing things around the house. Stop cleaning, stop doing things that make her feel loved.



When she asks why, say "Guys don't like to do those things like girls do. It is only husbands in sitcoms and movies that do that stuff. Cleaning and taking care of the home is for women."


Lol I take that that would be a reply or counter to only women in porn enjoy sex? I think that's funny but I couldn't do that I'd feel bad
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post #21 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 02:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Current theories of human sexuality suggest a "dual system." One for arousal, and another for inhibition. Arousal is like a gas pedal and inhibition is like a brake pedal.



For women, most researchers tend to suggest they they have a much stronger system of inhibition than compared to men. This potentially allows them to be more selective.



So if your wife has things like stress causing her system of inhibition to lock down, no matter how much pressure you put on the gas pedal to get her aroused it is not going to work. She can also perceive your attempts to get her aroused as something that makes her feel inadequate for you which can cause frustration and stress, which can also cause her system of inhibition to lock down. In this context things that would normally be arousing for her may now seem like a source of anxiety which could cause her to become confused regarding what works and what does not regarding her arousal.



Odds are her arousal could be in response to a form of sexual validation, such as knowing she makes you happy. The happier you are the easier she gets aroused. The more frustrated you are, the more she becomes inhibited. I'm not saying that is it, but most women actually do have a very strong desire to simply please their man.



My advice would be to try and be easy to please, work on her confidence, and strive for an emotional connection during lovemaking and just allow her arousal to happen or not happen all on its on.



Regards,

Badsanta


Ok that makes sense so how can I be or make her feel like I am "easy to please". Especially if you know she doesn't want sex?
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post #22 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 02:34 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Thanks this is eye opening.
And no I don't do that all to get sex. I do it because it makes her feel loved. If it where a transaction than I would be back at "mechanical sex"
I will read the book
Remember, she needs to read it too. She can be more objective than you.

My ex read it, he didn't think it was helpful. Insanity, denial, who knows what it was but the book was him to a T. Perhaps his abandonment/daddy issues that his mr.nice.guy.niceness was stemming from was just too much/deep-seated for him to face.
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post #23 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 02:38 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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You go to work and come back and do everything (but laundry)? Does she work? Wow. Man, you sure that's not why the relationship is going downhill. Because she has you around like her little moose-boy. She probably doesn't respect you for being the doormat that your original post paints you out to be. Do you have friends that you socialise with outside of home? 'Cause you sound like a "yes ma'am, no ma'am" character that doesn't have a life of his own; whose life revolves around his wife. Not a good thing. I don't care what those ****ty movies/books say.
Just what does she do in your marriage...other than not have sex, not cook and not clean? Yet you still love her. Why? How does she earn your love?

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #24 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 02:40 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

So for real:

Similarities - You and I have a lot in common, married a virgin, to a virgin. I love sex, she doesn't. Has been an issue multiple times in our almost 22 year marriage.

What can I do about it. First, I would say stop talking about it. Stop asking her for sex, there really is not much less sexy than asking for sex. Even now after the work my wife and I have done, I find her asking me to have sex a turn off. I fight through it but, if I didn't already really want to have a lot of sex, asking me would be a buzz kill.

Second, take it. I don't mean rape her, obviously, but convey your desire for her in your actions. Make yourself always in a condition for sex. Be clean, shaved, whatever it is that she wants you to be. However, don't obsess about how you are all the time. it is a balance.

Third, take rejection in stride. Do not pout, do not huff. Approach her, kiss her, hold her, but if she doesn't want it, back off and go about your business. Do not run away and hide, but don't act like a child.

Lastly, spend intentional time together being close to her without putting moves on her. Sit by her, put your hand on her leg, hold her hand, etc.
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post #25 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 02:44 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

A kind of funny story about asking for sex: My wife will ask me if I want to have sex, and my general answer for wanting or agreeing with whatever the person is asking is 'sure'.

So, she asked one day if I wanted to have sex and I said 'sure'. She got upset and said something about how I should say 'YES!' and that saying sure did not make her feel wanted. The more I thought about it, her asking me if I wanted to did not make me feel very wanted either.

It is a funny thing, this human sexuality.
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post #26 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 02:45 PM Thread Starter
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Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Just what does she do in your marriage...other than not have sex, not cook and not clean? Yet you still love her. Why? How does she earn your love?


I posted earlier that help her. How does she earn my love? I love her for who she is. I know it sound corny but do. After 10 years I still get butterflies in my stomach when I see her smile,laugh tell a joke or cry. I see how kind she is with others and tries to help. (It also makes me want her
I trust her and she trust me. Like I said i love her. We have a happy life in everything but sex. I need no 3 course meal, or a shiny clean house to make me feel loved

Last edited by mjk101; 03-21-2017 at 02:54 PM.
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post #27 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 03:38 PM
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Does she have a shy personality? Maybe she really "doesn't know". Do you take the lead in the bedroom? Maybe she needs you to teach her. Show her. Then let her tell you what she liked.
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post #28 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 03:56 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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I posted earlier that help her. How does she earn my love? I love her for who she is. I know it sound corny but do. After 10 years I still get butterflies in my stomach when I see her smile,laugh tell a joke or cry. I see how kind she is with others and tries to help. (It also makes me want her
I trust her and she trust me. Like I said i love her. We have a happy life in everything but sex. I need no 3 course meal, or a shiny clean house to make me feel loved
OMG, again you sound exactly like my ex. The man would kiss the ground that I walked on if I only asked.
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post #29 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 04:23 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

WOW mjk101,
Your story sounds so much like mine. My wife does her part as the good wife in the bedroom. She gives herself to me on a regular basis to "keep me happy" but there's little to no passion involved on her part. There was a time (20 years ago) when sex was something celebrated and eagerly anticipated by both of us, and it was wonderful. As time, career and children came along it seemed her appetite and desire for sex kept getting pushed further and further back. I spent a lot of time and money trying to find that magic button to reignite her passion for me but it only served to spotlight the problem and drive us further apart sexually. IMHO you can over analyse her childhood, past relationships or whatever but you will ultimately come up on the losing end again. If your wife is like mine she loves you completely​ in every way but sex is not something she needs anymore like you do, she doesn't mind it but she can take it or leave it. For this I'm truly grateful but honestly i still want to feel that fire in her arms not just a dutifully wife's efforts. I'm guessing you feel the same way?
This is the lessons I've learned and hold on to:

Anything I try will probably turn out opposite of how I intended
Any changes i push on her will be temporary
Find common ground that brings pleasure to both of us
Appreciate the times when she lets go and is the lover you want
If you watch porn don't bring​ it into your bedroom, she'll respond badly
And no matter what temptations or opportunity come stay true and faithful to her

I've tried a lot of things to change her, made some progress but a lot of mistakes too. Contentment starts from within, spend your efforts there while being the best husband​ you can be. It'll work out for you.


Sent from my Nexus 10 using Tapatalk
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post #30 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 04:36 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Originally Posted by EunuchMonk View Post
You go to work and come back and do everything (but laundry)? Does she work? Wow. Man, you sure that's not why the relationship is going downhill. Because she has you around like her little moose-boy. She probably doesn't respect you for being the doormat that your original post paints you out to be. Do you have friends that you socialise with outside of home? 'Cause you sound like a "yes ma'am, no ma'am" character that doesn't have a life of his own; whose life revolves around his wife. Not a good thing. I don't care what those ****ty movies/books say.
This.

From a woman's point of view, she doesn't respect you, OP. And that isn't a flaw of yours, it's a flaw of hers, actually. I really feel sad for the men on here who are married to women who they have to walk on eggshells for.

It is true, women respect strength and confidence. I'd stop begging for sex, and have a serious talk with her that this aspect of the relationship really doesn't make you happy. You both matter, OP. Hope things get better.

Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown

Last edited by *Deidre*; 03-21-2017 at 04:44 PM.
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