Sex! Just another thing on the todo list - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 04:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Does she have a shy personality? Maybe she really "doesn't know". Do you take the lead in the bedroom? Maybe she needs you to teach her. Show her. Then let her tell you what she liked.


She is not shy. I would say that between the two of us she is the extrovert. And yes i take the lead in the bedroom. I would love to teach her or rather learn with her. I feel that she goes into sex with the mindset that she is doing it for me not for herself. So anything I try is received with a "I don't know"
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post #32 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 05:10 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

I have trouble believing she is having an orgasm with you. How's the oral? Do you give? Does she give?

I suspect she is a faker.
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post #33 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 05:11 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

You are reading my mail. She is the extrovert and if she is like my wife, she spends a lot of time socializing with others. My wife and I went on a date recently and she chattered non-stop about her friend's life.

I can have all the sex I want, no worries. But our sex life is like oatmeal, but it's all you can eat. Oatmeal is very boring after a while.

I have had the hard talks, we've been to counseling two times, and it helps, for about 2 months. Then we revert back to our old ways.

I think your best bet is to have some potentially awkward talks with her. Communicate the best you can.
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post #34 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 05:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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I have trouble believing she is having an orgasm with you. How's the oral? Do you give? Does she give?



I suspect she is a faker.


I know that she had orgasm from me.
She does not enjoy giving or receiving oral. She does it and she lets me (sometimes) but she does not hide the fact that she does not enjoy it. She also does not like it if I touch her or her touching herself(alone and together)
I know that I am probably doing it wrong but I have no chance to learn...
it is also discouraging when you know she doesn't really want to have sex in the first place.

Last edited by mjk101; 03-21-2017 at 05:36 PM.
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post #35 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 07:08 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

There seem to be some people who don't like sex much. My wife is in that category - wants sex once every week or two, where "sex" generally means I do something to get her off quickly and she does the same for me. She is not a dead fish, but there is a sort of "chore" aspect to it, "today is sunday, time for us both to get our O's, so we can get back to important stuff" sort of feeling.
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post #36 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 07:25 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Thanks you for that comment. I thought about going to a therapist before as well but I think she needs to be willing to go aswell as listen and change(if needed) but at this point I think that she doesn't see this as a problem. She thinks that women have less to no desire for sex and that its a guys thing only women in porn like sex because they get paid for it. So I don't know how to counter that.
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Thanks this is eye opening.
And no I don't do that all to get sex. I do it because it makes her feel loved. If it where a transaction than I would be back at "mechanical sex"
I will read the book

First, yes tell her that you need her support and are going to go to a sex therapist to help you make some changes in your life and you would like her to come to help you with those changes and learning. An ST will help you both and it might just save your marriage. I had to convince my wife that I understood she wasn't broke and I wasn't going to try to force her to change herself in any way, but that I needed change and needed help with it.

NO YOU DON"T DO ALL THOSE CHORES TO MAKE HER FEEL LOVED. Read Glover's No More Mr Nice Guy, you are a NICE GUY and that is not a complement. I was in the same boat. Glover loves to describe how Nice Guys when they try something to get sex from their wife and it does work, they double down and try harder. So if doing the dishes doesn't get you the sex you want, you add doing the cooking. If that doesn't work you do the vacuuming and paying the bills, until you are run ragged.

I learned the hard way that I could do dishes, cook, clean, grocery shopping, laundry and all kinds of stuff and my wife viewed it as................my doing my fair share of the household choirs and it was about time!

What made my wife feel loved was when I spoke to her in her love languages which were acts of service and quality time. I thought laundry and dishes were an act of service. My wife didn't. When I accidentally brought my wife coffee in bed, drank coffee with her and talked to her about her day, she felt loved in her love languages. When I then discovered that if I poured her a glass of wine after work and was her helper in the kitchen cooking dinner and then talked to her about her day at the dinner table she felt loved at night.

Yes I do these things IN HER LOVE LANGUAGES to make her feel loved as an unconditional offering of my love to her with no "covert contract" of expecting sex. I do some of the other choirs around the house as she is busy and we need to share the chores. I don't do them all and we "share chores."

Good luck.
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post #37 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 09:50 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Ok that makes sense so how can I be or make her feel like I am "easy to please". Especially if you know she doesn't want sex?
This is a good question and can perhaps be challenging, but the first step is to acknowledge her if and when she says she is not aroused in a way that still makes her feel accepted and loved. Ask instead for her to help you two focus more on an emotional connection during lovemaking and ask her what she needs for that to happen. Explain how you are able to still enjoy that and that you will not compel her to get aroused with you unless she requests you to. This puts her in more control over her own arousal, and asking her to work on an emotional connection via intimacy should actually be enjoyable for both of you. Odds are this will help her respond sexually.

The second thing is to discuss sexual frequency and initiation in your marriage to make sure it is approached in such a way that minimizes her anxiety. If you "want her to want it" odds are you may be overcompensating by adding too many sexual overtones into daily life in an attempt to arouse her and seize the moment. If you are guilty of this, she could feel sexually smothered. Imagine you like ice cream about once a week, but every time you turn on the TV, radio, or opened your mail that you were constantly being bombarded by ice cream advertisements, and the moment you are finally OK with enjoying one that you find an over anxious shop owner at the ice cream shop trying too hard to make you want more ice cream:












Meanwhile your efforts to watch porn likely make her feel like this:



So talk to you wife about if she feels "pressured" to keep you sexually satisfied, and what you can do to back off and give her some space to hopefully allow herself a chance to enjoy wanting you! Odds are this means that you need to let HER be in control of initiating sex, set a schedule based on a frequency she feel comfortable doing in the marriage, and try backing off to once a week just to give her some space for at least a while. When she makes an effort, compliment her!

Does that help?

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post #38 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 10:11 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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I know that she had orgasm from me.
She does not enjoy giving or receiving oral. She does it and she lets me (sometimes) but she does not hide the fact that she does not enjoy it. She also does not like it if I touch her or her touching herself(alone and together)
I know that I am probably doing it wrong but I have no chance to learn...
it is also discouraging when you know she doesn't really want to have sex in the first place.
Badsanta's Instructions for touching a female's erogenous zones

1) Do NOT touch them!
2) Much like kittens, they do not like to be handled.
3) Let them come to you instead!
4) Feed them sushi!
5) OMG!

Cheers,
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post #39 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 10:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

Oh Badsanta u crack me up
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post #40 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 10:56 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

You say that your wife orgasms. When does she do this? During intercourse? During foreplay? What percentage of your lovemaking is other than intercourse?

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post #41 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:04 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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A kind of funny story about asking for sex: My wife will ask me if I want to have sex, and my general answer for wanting or agreeing with whatever the person is asking is 'sure'.

So, she asked one day if I wanted to have sex and I said 'sure'. She got upset and said something about how I should say 'YES!' and that saying sure did not make her feel wanted. The more I thought about it, her asking me if I wanted to did not make me feel very wanted either.

It is a funny thing, this human sexuality.
Why would her asking for sex make you not feel wanted? What would you want her to do instead?

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post #42 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:13 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

There are clinics that specialize in increasing libido for both men and women. They also tailor made drugs for ED when the brand names ones do not work. I live in a very large retirement community that spans 3 counties. There are a lot of people looking to improve their sex life and having success getting medically treated.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #43 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:15 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

How old are you and your wife?

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post #44 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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How old are you and your wife?


We are 26 I know still young to be 7 years married
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post #45 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:52 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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You say that your wife orgasms. When does she do this? During intercourse? During foreplay? What percentage of your lovemaking is other than intercourse?
Could you please answer these questions?

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