Thanks you for that comment. I thought about going to a therapist before as well but I think she needs to be willing to go aswell as listen and change(if needed) but at this point I think that she doesn't see this as a problem. She thinks that women have less to no desire for sex and that its a guys thing only women in porn like sex because they get paid for it. So I don't know how to counter that.
Thanks this is eye opening.
And no I don't do that all to get sex. I do it because it makes her feel loved. If it where a transaction than I would be back at "mechanical sex"
I will read the book
First, yes tell her that you need her support and are going to go to a sex therapist to help you make some changes in your life and you would like her to come to help you with those changes and learning. An ST will help you both and it might just save your marriage. I had to convince my wife that I understood she wasn't broke and I wasn't going to try to force her to change herself in any way, but that I needed change and needed help with it.
NO YOU DON"T DO ALL THOSE CHORES TO MAKE HER FEEL LOVED. Read Glover's No More Mr Nice Guy, you are a NICE GUY and that is not a complement. I was in the same boat. Glover loves to describe how Nice Guys when they try something to get sex from their wife and it does work, they double down and try harder. So if doing the dishes doesn't get you the sex you want, you add doing the cooking. If that doesn't work you do the vacuuming and paying the bills, until you are run ragged.
I learned the hard way that I could do dishes, cook, clean, grocery shopping, laundry and all kinds of stuff and my wife viewed it as................my doing my fair share of the household choirs and it was about time!
What made my wife feel loved was when I spoke to her in her love languages which were acts of service and quality time. I thought laundry and dishes were an act of service. My wife didn't. When I accidentally brought my wife coffee in bed, drank coffee with her and talked to her about her day, she felt loved in her love languages. When I then discovered that if I poured her a glass of wine after work and was her helper in the kitchen cooking dinner and then talked to her about her day at the dinner table she felt loved at night.
Yes I do these things IN HER LOVE LANGUAGES to make her feel loved as an unconditional offering of my love to her with no "covert contract" of expecting sex. I do some of the other choirs around the house as she is busy and we need to share the chores. I don't do them all and we "share chores."