Sex! Just another thing on the todo list - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #46 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

Yes during intercourse. I would say that if any kind of foreplay happens she has a harder time having an orgasm. So our normal sex has almost no foreplay unless I insist/beg.
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post #47 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 12:00 AM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Yes during intercourse. I would say that if any kind of foreplay happens she has a harder time having an orgasm. So our normal sex has almost no foreplay unless I insist/beg.
I thought this is what you were going to say. It's highly unlikely that she is having an orgasm. Only about 25% of women can have an orgasm ever during intercourse. Women are generally not built to do this.

If she will not even touch herself, she probably has no idea what an orgasm even feels like. And this might be one of the reasons that she does not particularly get into sex.
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post #48 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 12:10 AM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

You're 26? None of your posts mention kids. Frankly I think you should cut your losses. It's been like this from the start and you never really hear about this kind of thing getting better. Sure you'll learn to cope. You'll try and fail to change her many times. But nothing will work. Soon you'll be 50 and full of regret.
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post #49 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 07:20 AM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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We talk about our relationship often, I try to make sure that we are on track. I mentioned that I do anything for her. I really mean that. I took a job so I am home early and I can cook(she hates cooking) I clean and do everything but laundry (she doesn't let me do that, I guess she doesn't like pink) i did change a lot about myself (behaviour wise) to her liking. In fact my friends all make fun of me because I am "whipped" but that don't bother me as long as she is happy. (And according to her she is). This is not a new thing. We had this problem since day1 of marriage. ( we did not have sex before we got married)
Personally, having lived this myself with my ex-wife, becoming the person she wants you to be is not conducive to attraction. It sounds counter-intuitive, but trust me, it's not.

I spent 14 years with a woman who wanted me to change this, that or the other thing. I happily complied, because I loved her, and wanted her to be happy. It made sense to me.

But it doesn't work that way 99% of the time. Over time, my ex wife lost pretty much all attraction to me. Why? Because I showed her that I wasn't my own person. I was an extension of her (and I totally was). Not just that, but there was no challenge for her. I never said no, never challenged her on anything.

One 'incident' sticks out in my mind. She once told me to, essentially, get a social life, get out of the house once in a while. So I picked up a sport I hadn't played in many years and joined a team, played once a week, occasionally went out for beers afterwards. All was good, until I was asked to join a second team, which I readily agreed to. Upon telling my wife this, she flipped out, ostensibly about the financial aspect of it (though we could more than afford it...). I was now out of the house TWICE a week for a whopping 2-ish hours each time, usually later in the evening after she'd be in bed, anyway.

But no, this was an issue. Once per week was enough in her mind. Twice was too much. Now it was "you're never home" I actually stood my ground with this one, and although she was not happy about it, I didn't care, probably for the first time in our relationship. I was doing something for myself, and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Guess what happened? More sex. Even though she never let go of this (twice a year I had to pay up for the leagues, twice, and every new season I got an earful about it.)

She never stopped treating me like ****, and I did still ask 'how high' when she told me to jump, but I had this, and it resulted in more sex than I was previously having. Subconsciously, she respected that I was at least doing ONE thing for myself, even though it was just this.

In short, we need to respect our partners in order to be sexually attracted to them. There's a balance and a (very) fine line between being a good partner and being a butler/maid.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #50 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 07:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

Ok, wow this has been great. There are so many thoughts and a lot of info to think thru. Thanks for all the input. I will work on my part of this, I definitely want to stick together and Figur this out. Thanks all u guys.
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post #51 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 08:33 AM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

OP, do your self a favor and read No More Mr Nice Guy as has been suggested. You, as other have suggested are the prototypical Nice Guy. I too was one. I had no idea. I thought I was only doing what was expected of me. I didn't find out about my problem until is too late. Once my services were no longer needed, she decided to leave. Now the woman I "served" loyally and faithfully for 24 years, the woman I loved with all my heart and to who I gave away so much of who I was, is gone. We are divorced. Unless you want to end up in the same boat as me, Read the book and start to retake control of your life. You may still end up in the same boat as me, but instead of coming as a broken, defeated, shell of a man, you can come on your terms as self confident, self assured man with purpose and a sense of self.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #52 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 11:10 AM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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I thought this is what you were going to say. It's highly unlikely that she is having an orgasm. Only about 25% of women can have an orgasm ever during intercourse. Women are generally not built to do this.

If she will not even touch herself, she probably has no idea what an orgasm even feels like. And this might be one of the reasons that she does not particularly get into sex.
Agreed.

I think it's damn near impossible that your wife who:
- was a virgin before your marriage
- doesn't really masturbate
- has been having duty sex with you since day 1 of marriage
- does not engage in foreplay during sex unless you insist

is having orgasms during sex with you. Orgasm from PIV only is rare among women, orgasm from manual stimulation is much more common. If she doesn't know how to tough herself ... I don't want to say it but uh I think she's been faking these orgasms OP. She likely has little awareness of her own sexuality.

How do you know that her orgasms are real? Especially considering she is your first as well? Have you ever seen her 'orgasm' on her own (with a toy, her finger etc)?
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post #53 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 11:59 AM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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You're 26? None of your posts mention kids. Frankly I think you should cut your losses. It's been like this from the start and you never really hear about this kind of thing getting better. Sure you'll learn to cope. You'll try and fail to change her many times. But nothing will work. Soon you'll be 50 and full of regret.
THIS THIS THIS!!! If you think it's bad now, wait until you have kids. Your 2x/week will become 2x/year if you're lucky, and she'll make her displeasure even more evident. Even if you don't have kids, it will just get worse over time.

It can get better, but only if you're prepared to do all the work. And it will only be better as long as you're doing the work to make it better. Read about "red pill" or "Married Man's Sex Primer". Basically, you have to do a lot of sex flirting to get her thinking about sex. If that's the kind of guy you are, it can work out well. But if that's not what you're into, it will feel like work and you're manipulating her to have sex with you.

If you're only 26 and don't have kids, you can do much better. You can find a great woman who actually wants to be intimate with you. The key is to find a woman who likes intimacy because she likes intimacy. It's not that someone makes her want it or that she's doing it because it's expected. Some women actually enjoy intimacy and someone like that will be a better match for you.

It sounds like you have a good relationship otherwise, so you might as well give it a shot to fix things. But don't stubbornly try for years and years as things get worse and worse.
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post #54 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 12:36 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Yes during intercourse. I would say that if any kind of foreplay happens she has a harder time having an orgasm. So our normal sex has almost no foreplay unless I insist/beg.
I am going to throw this out there because you mentioned that your wife does NOT like to be touched. She could have hypersensitivity to touch due to some form of autism, which often goes undiagnosed in women as it is considered rare. This would mean that less is more and she may very well be able to orgasm during intercourse due to her ability to have extra sensitivity.

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Sensory sensitivity was first highlighted by Hans Asperger in 1944 (Asperger, 1944, 1991) and is being increasingly recognised as an area that can be very problematic for an AS individual. Sensory sensitivity can cause an over- or under-reaction to stimuli affecting any of the five senses, which include hearing, touch, taste, smell and sight... ...Sensory sensitivity, in this way, seems to affect more of the women I see than the men and it is often areas such as the nipples or clitoris that are most affected.
This is likely not your case, but sometimes thinking outside the norm can be helpful to give you that eureka moment with your wife as you work through things. The information quoted above comes from this article if you wish to read further.

AS in the Bedroom Room by Maxine Aston

Regards,
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post #55 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 12:39 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

when a woman quits wanting to have sex its either....

1) you just don't cut it in the bedroom. shes unsatisfied.
2) your not cutting it outside the bedroom. shes not emotionally satisfied.
3)your not cutting it as a provider.

1) you might think your the man in the bedroom. she might even tell you shes having orgasms to not hurt your feelings.

2)she want hand holding,words a affirmation, or what ever her love language is.

3) got to always be trying to better yourself. leading the family into success.

but you have to read her mind because shes to embarrassed,self conscious,or indifferent to actually come out and tell you.
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post #56 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 02:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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I am going to throw this out there because you mentioned that your wife does NOT like to be touched. She could have hypersensitivity to touch due to some form of autism, which often goes undiagnosed in women as it is considered rare. This would mean that less is more and she may very well be able to orgasm during intercourse due to her ability to have extra sensitivity.







This is likely not your case, but sometimes thinking outside the norm can be helpful to give you that eureka moment with your wife as you work through things. The information quoted above comes from this article if you wish to read further.



AS in the Bedroom Room by Maxine Aston



Regards,

Badsanta


Thanks badsanta I never thought about that. she does have a skin condition that she takes a cream/medication for but I don't know enough about medicine to say if she has autism. so I'll have to look into that.

I don't know how detailed I am allowed to be here let me know If i have to edit some of this out.
I know that she has had orgasms because I got her to ejaculate "squirt" a few times (with penetrating alone). That was during her pregnancies. I know that it is very rare looked into it.because I couldn't believe that she doesn't like to be touched or touch herself.
I don't have any reason to believe that she is lying (she didn't yet and has no reason too) because there is times where she tells me that she didn't orgasm and or that she won't but would like to have sex for my sake.
We do have 2 kids (preschoolers). It never came up before now because no one asked until now and because this was an issue before kids already.
As for being successful. I think that I am successful. This is relative: not if I compare with bill gates but very successful if I compare with the people around me at my age.
As for emotionally I can only guess and trust but I feel that she trusts me and she does come to me with problems and issues.

As for me being bad in bed I have nothing to measure by... if she would talk and tell me what feels good and not good what she wants and so on, I don't think I would have created this thread because I would know that she cares and wants to have great sex as well as feel good and make me feel good. That would go long ways to full filling my love language.

Leaving her is not an option for me. Like I said in the original post is that I will do anything for her.
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post #57 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 02:52 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

Just a heads up OP: squirting ≠ orgasm.

Any other signs? What happens when she orgasms while you're having sex? How does she respond? When was the first time she orgasmed during sex with you? If she doesn't touch herself, how did you two figure out how to give her orgasms?
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post #58 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:06 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Just a heads up OP: squirting ≠ orgasm.

Any other signs? What happens when she orgasms while you're having sex? How does she respond? When was the first time she orgasmed during sex with you? If she doesn't touch herself, how did you two figure out how to give her orgasms?
Also, if they are having PIV, how does he know that it is "squiring" and not that she just produces a lot of lubrication?

Scientists are doing work to determine what 'squirting' is. Here is one in which ultrasounds and other tests were used. The "squiring" liquid turned out to be urine.

https://www.newscientist.com/article...ientists-find/

From my personal experience, a woman can produce enough liquid during PIV to look like she "squired" and not even get close to an orgasm. The two are not related. Just because you see it on porn does not make it real.
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post #59 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

mjk101,

Why does your wife think that women don't enjoy sex? Was she raised in a family that pushed this idea? Is there a religious reason that she was taught this?

I think that you really do need to help your wife realize that most women love sex and want it often. That somehow she was taught something that might has worked as a young girl to keep her form having sex outside of marriage but it is a detrimental attitude in marriage.

I do think that a sex marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist could help her a LOT. I think that your wife has no idea what sex is about and is afraid to experiment and find out because she was shamed into this attitude growing up.

Here is a book that the two of you would benefit from reading. I suggest you read it so that you know what she is reading. And I think she needs to read it to realize what sex, normal sex, is like.


She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner
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post #60 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:15 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

I wish you could bring her here and let some of the women on this forum have a good talk with her. I really feel badly for women like your wife because they have been fed a lie about female sexuality and turned into women who will never have a satisfying sex life. Our social norms do this to a fair percentage of women.

Your wife is right that what is seen on porn is not normal sex. The women are paid to act the way they do. Porn sex is a fantasy.

But, in real life, a most women enjoy sex without putting on the porn star act.
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