Sex! Just another thing on the todo list - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #61 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:20 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

@mjk101 your story is very similar to mine. My wife acts like it's duty sex almost every time. It's awkward and boring, and she is not willing to work together as a team to fix the issue. We've talked to therapist, her OBGYN, and she has discussed this with her closest friends. The OB and friends made it even worse by telling her that (males and females) are wired differently. Which is true but didn't help my case of wanting more adventurous, engaged, please and pleasure attitude from her. So I now just tell her what to do but it's so robotic lol. If I want a BJ I say give me a BJ, I want doggie I say bend over, I want her on top I just tell her to do it. In the end I still have the feeling of not totally satisfied because she is not engaged.

I'm just giving you a heads up it's not going to get fixed over night or at all. Therapy helps but only for a short time.


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post #62 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:24 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

It sounds like she is conservative and shy about sex, but she does the best she can. You seem to have a higher expectation from her which is causing your unhappiness and making you feel like she doesn't love going. She has orgasms so then she much be enjoying sex, she initiates 2x a week, that's great! You don't initiate anymore, that's a problem. So from the outside it seems like you stopped trying Bc you stopped initiating and she is doing the best she can even though she's not very comfortable with sex.

When you ask her if she enjoys sex what does she say? What did she sAy when you told her you feel like she doesn't enjoy sex with you based on her facial expressions and lack of effort?
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post #63 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:34 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

I'm trying to decide whether your wife or you are the problem.

She initiates 2x a week. And you don't initiate at all.

Your too much in your head. Stop judging her facial expressions and enjoy banging your wife. Enjoy her body, express your joy during sex. If she doesn't want to put in effort during sex thats her lose. Your lucky she initiates at all.

I love sex. And sometimes my husband is really tired and maybe he does duty sex (but won't admit it). But my point is sometimes he's not as enthusiastic as other times, and same with me. But when I initiate... I plan on having a good time with or without my husbands enthusiasm and effort. As long as he's hard, I can have fun and enjoy sex.
Obviously it's best when we are BOTH into it equally but the reality is, that is not always going to happen. Sometimes the other is tired and stressed or whatever. But the fact that they still put in the effort to have sex is great IMO.
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post #64 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:35 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
I wish you could bring her here and let some of the women on this forum have a good talk with her. I really feel badly for women like your wife because they have been fed a lie about female sexuality and turned into women who will never have a satisfying sex life. Our social norms do this to a fair percentage of women.

Your wife is right that what is seen on porn is not normal sex. The women are paid to act the way they do. Porn sex is a fantasy.

But, in real life, a most women enjoy sex without putting on the porn star act.
Indeed. @EleGirl keeps making these excellent points. It is true that many of us women know very little about our own sexuality and rely on porn, opinions of men, generalizations about females sexuality and society in general. Our sexuality is just way more complicated and not nearly as straightforward as a man's.

It took me a very long time to START learning about how my body worked. I had tried masturbating on many occasions and they had ended up in much frustration. It was only after confiding in my sisters and girlfriends that I realized this is absolutely normal and I had to essentially teach myself how to orgasm, how to enjoy being touched and how to enjoy oral sex. All of these things happened very gradually with significant effort on my part and my partners.

As a woman, it's difficult if you do not have other women you can reach out to for advice and clarify things with. I agree that it would be ideal if she could be here. There are many women here who could help her, help herself.
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post #65 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:39 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

People need to take control of their OWN sex life and stop expecting the other person to "make it worth it" or whatever. This is also a porn mentality. Sit there while the action comes to you. That's not reality. You are the action. Go make the action happen.

We have one spouse and we can only have sex with them. You need to make the best out of it and enjoy it. Stop judging it or measuring it and just enjoy it.
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post #66 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:43 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Your too much in your head. Stop judging her facial expressions and enjoy banging your wife. Enjoy her body, express your joy during sex. If she doesn't want to put in effort during sex thats her lose. Your lucky she initiates at all.
I doubt you will get any better advice than that @mjk101 from anyone.

While the above advice comes from a woman, I am also fairly certain that women do NOT like to feel that their husbands are "too needy" or "too complicated" when it comes to having sex. Unless she is asking you for something in particular, just keep it simple and try to just enjoy the moment.

If you feel compelled to talk to her about sex and find out what turns her on, try watching a TV show like "Masters of Sex" about sex researchers and ask your wife questions about characters on the show. Odds are she will project how she feels while talking about these characters and you can start getting some better insight into her sexuality while discussing fictional characters.

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post #67 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:44 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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People need to take control of their OWN sex life and stop expecting the other person to "make it worth it" or whatever. This is also a porn mentality. Sit there while the action comes to you. That's not reality. You are the action. Go make the action happen.

We have one spouse and we can only have sex with them. You need to make the best out of it and enjoy it. Stop judging it or measuring it and just enjoy it.
This sounds great and everything and I wish it was that easy. It can't be his OWN sex life when it takes two to make the fireworks blow.

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post #68 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:56 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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This sounds great and everything and I wish it was that easy. It can't be his OWN sex life when it takes two to make the fireworks blow.

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I kinda disagree with this particular case. His wife is initiating twice a week. If the wife doesn't ever have sex with her husband than I would agree with you.

Sometimes you need to make your own magic happen. I'm sure that the OP is exaggerating on this wife's behavior. I also think the way he is feeling is painting an unfair picture of his wife.

Another important thing is, some women (probably like this mans wife) feel uncomfortable with sex. It's hard for them to relax. And when you are with someone who is obviously feeling you and is making it no secret that he is enjoying you, it not only builds up your confidence but it makes you relax and enjoy sex more.

You can't have 2 awkward, uncomfortable, silent people having sex together. At least one person has to take charge and be enthusiastic. Not fake... enthusiastic. When my husband is quite and looking at my face it's so awkward. When he is into it, he makes me get into it, and vice versa. Sometimes one of us is not into it much because of circumstances but as long as the other person is who cares.

Sex is not going to be porn star quality all the time. Sex doesn't have to be porn star quality to be enjoyable. The problem is... many men who watch a lot of porn, require a lot of stimulus and acting from their partner to sustain or to consider the experience enjoyable. Something tells me, this is the OPs problem.
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post #69 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:09 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

I get what you're saying and I agree with you. What if he's the one constantly taking charge day after day. That gets really old.

Porn sex is not real, but there are some women out there that act like porn stars in the sheets (and it's fun! ).

On top of all this weren't they virgins before marriage?

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post #70 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:16 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Originally Posted by Juice View Post
I get what you're saying and I agree with you. What if he's the one constantly taking charge day after day. That gets really old.

Porn sex is not real, but there are some women out there that act like porn stars in the sheets (and it's fun! ).

On top of all this weren't they virgins before marriage?
They may or may not have been virgins when they married.

A lot of the issue is the attitude about sex that a woman was taught growing up. A woman who was taught that sex is dirty or that it's something that men like and women tolerate will have a hard time getting over that.
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post #71 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:21 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

I don't think the wife is initiating 2x per week. It sounds like she's going along with it to fulfill her obligations:

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Originally Posted by mjk101 View Post
I think my wife understands the importance of intimacy in a relationship and she fulfills her "wifely duties" by once or twice a week allowing me to have sex with her.
If she was initiating, that would be a very good sign that improvements could be made. But it sounds like she doesn't have any interest in sex and would probably be fine not not having sex at all.

People have brought up having her try to unlock her sexuality, which is good. But keep in mind that she just might be into it and there's no secret to be unlocked. As an example, think of an activity that some people really enjoy--like dancing. People have all different levels of enjoyment for dancing. Some people want to dance all the time, some will dance in certain situations, and some don't like dancing at all. If someone is totally ambivalent about dancing, it's unlikely they'll become a dancing fiend no matter what you do. Maybe they can learn to enjoy it more and do it more often, but they may never be someone who really looks forward to dancing and wants to do it all the time.

As you work through this with her, keep that in mind to have reasonable expectations. It could be that she never becomes a sex fiend nor initiates. But maybe she can become more emotionally connected in the act even though you still have to initiate all the time. Essentially, she may never really become passionate about dancing, but she may be able to have more fun when you take her out dancing.
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post #72 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:24 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

@Juice But he's not taking charge if she is the one initiating. I understand what your saying too. Someone has to give though.
You like when a girl acts like a porn star in the bedroom and I respect that. I love when my husband is so into sex and me and is such a nasty ass that he will lick every crevice on my body. I think we have similar points. One person has to be super into it at least.
But... some women are just not capable of a porn star performance. You can't marry a shy virgin who doesn't like oral sex and doesn't like to be touched and masterbate and expect her to give a porn star performance. That's unrealistic expectations on his part.
So he's left with a couple options... accept that his wife will never be porn-star like. And enjoy what he has and make the best out of it, aka become the porn star himself. Seek sex therapy to improve their sex life (which could be good or bad). Or divorce and find someone new.
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post #73 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:34 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

My view on sex therapy is that it's good on overcoming a trauma or good for certain medical conditions that make sex difficult. But IMO sex is a natural drive, it's hormonal. You either have the carnal desire or you don't. These people are 26 with no medical problems. Chances are, the sex is as good as it will get. And our opinion of our sex life can change, so I know that lowering expectations and appreciating what you have does make you realize what you have actually is really good. Sometimes our problems are in our head because we create impossible expectations, or think everyone else is having better sex, or comparing sex lives to other people/porn or we think the grass is greener on the other side. We need to stop searching for something better, and stop always trying to improve things and appreciate and love what we have. There are people who are happier with less than what we have.
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post #74 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:41 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Someone has to give though.
You like when a girl acts like a porn star in the bedroom and I respect that. I love when my husband is so into sex and me and is such a nasty ass that he will lick every crevice on my body. I think we have similar points. One person has to be super into it at least.


So he's left with a couple options... accept that his wife will never be porn-star like. And enjoy what he has and make the best out of it, aka become the porn star himself. Seek sex therapy to improve their sex life (which could be good or bad). Or divorce and find someone new.
I personally like both options of giving and receiving.

OP read @katiecrna options she nailed it. Its tough and the journey is not fun, but if you're are as in love as you say you are you'll figure it out. You have to remember not to pressure her so much that she'll shut down.

Oh and btw. Initiate the sex don't wait for her!
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post #75 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:54 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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I don't think the wife is initiating 2x per week. It sounds like she's going along with it to fulfill her obligations:







.

Yes I guess we need more clarification on that. It seems she initiates because this quote below.


Quote:
Originally Posted by mjk101 View Post
I am so frustrated that I don't ask for sex anymore but just accept when she offers because I know that it's all out of a sense of duty.
.


To me it sounds like she offers. It sounds like he has stopped trying because of how unhappy HE is with their sex life. To me, she is happy with her sex life because she still initiates and doesn't complain about the quality like the OP does.

So there is an obvious discrepancy with what good sex is considered between the spouses. The feminist, man hater in me wants to think that because he mentioned porn a couple times that his expectation is higher than she is probably likely to deliver and he is frustrated and stop trying because the quality isn't where he thinks it SHOULD be. Then I hear she doesn't like oral and to me, no one can be trust who doesn't like oral. (Just kidding), and she sounds kind of prude. But prude people don't usually initiate. So I'm not sure what to think other than the OP is wrong for giving up trying.
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