Sex! Just another thing on the todo list - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #76 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:07 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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know her love language and i am kind of a romantic.
What is her love language?
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I can tell that she does not enjoy having sex by her face and her participation
How specifically can you tell? Does she say that she does not enjoy having sex?
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We had this problem since day1 of marriage. ( we did not have sex before we got married)
Why did you two not have sex before you married?
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She does not enjoy giving or receiving oral. She does it and she lets me (sometimes) but she does not hide the fact that she does not enjoy it. She also does not like it if I touch her or her touching herself(alone and together)
How do you know that she does not like having oral done on her and being touched? What does she say or do to tell you this?

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I am so frustrated that I don't ask for sex anymore but just accept when she offers because I know that it's all out of a sense of duty.
How often does she ask for or initiate sex? How does she go about this? How do you know that she only does it out of a sense of duty?
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post #77 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

First of I'd like to thank all of u for the input.
I also m a bit confused I don't remember saying that I want her to be like a porn actress. If fact I remember say something like : I'd me happy if she would tell me what she wants or doesn't want. I never wanted to do all the things that are done in porn. If fact I'd didn't even know that girl can squirt until it happened. I also mention that she didn't like me watching porn and I stoped.
As to the initiating thing that is a long story so here it goes:
In our first year of marriage I think I tried to initiate sex every day. Heck I probably could have had sex all day long. But I often got turned down at first not so much and then more and more. (all of that is normal) if i remember right i think out of the 7 nights in a week we had sex 3 times. Even at that time i noticed that her input for sex was basically to be there. With that I mean if I don't ask for a different position it won't change. If I don ask to be touched it won't happen. Oral is the same she don't ask for it. After the first year the frequency of us haven't sex went down and so did my trying to initiate. I finally only tried 1 a week and even then I got denied. (Sometimes) so that is when I sat her down and talked to her (more in depth than:"hey do u like it or what can I do differently.") I told her that I am watching porn now and how I feel and so on. By the end of the talk I felt guilty and promised not to watch porn and I kept my word. I that talk she said the she don't want sex. Sure once we are having it I like it" she said but nevertheless her input into sex did change. After that I told her that I feel bad asking or trying to get her to have sex with me if she really does not want it and that I would stop asking for it. After that talk she comes 2 a week and asks me"would you like to have sex" I say yes we have sex sometimes she even lets me touch her. So I don't think that I am asking for a porn actress.
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post #78 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

Her love language is acts of service.
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post #79 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

We did not have sex Out of religious reasons.
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post #80 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

We talked about the different things that we tried and I asked how she felt about that and if she liked it and the answer was. It was ok but she is not into it.
When I counter with "I am probably doing it wrong is the something u liked more or less" the answer is I am just not that into it.
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post #81 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

And if I ask about how she feels about our sex live she says that she is happy
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post #82 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

When I ask how do u want to have sex: she said she likes PIV that is how she cums.
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post #83 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:27 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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First of I'd like to thank all of u for the input.
I also m a bit confused I don't remember saying that I want her to be like a porn actress. If fact I remember say something like : I'd me happy if she would tell me what she wants or doesn't want. I never wanted to do all the things that are done in porn. If fact I'd didn't even know that girl can squirt until it happened. I also mention that she didn't like me watching porn and I stoped.
As to the initiating thing that is a long story so here it goes:
In our first year of marriage I think I tried to initiate sex every day. Heck I probably could have had sex all day long. But I often got turned down at first not so much and then more and more. (all of that is normal) if i remember right i think out of the 7 nights in a week we had sex 3 times. Even at that time i noticed that her input for sex was basically to be there. With that I mean if I don't ask for a different position it won't change. If I don ask to be touched it won't happen. Oral is the same she don't ask for it. After the first year the frequency of us haven't sex went down and so did my trying to initiate. I finally only tried 1 a week and even then I got denied. (Sometimes) so that is when I sat her down and talked to her (more in depth than:"hey do u like it or what can I do differently.") I told her that I am watching porn now and how I feel and so on. By the end of the talk I felt guilty and promised not to watch porn and I kept my word. I that talk she said the she don't want sex. Sure once we are having it I like it" she said but nevertheless her input into sex did change. After that I told her that I feel bad asking or trying to get her to have sex with me if she really does not want it and that I would stop asking for it. After that talk she comes 2 a week and asks me"would you like to have sex" I say yes we have sex sometimes she even lets me touch her. So I don't think that I am asking for a porn actress.
I don't recall anyone on this thread saying that you are asking for porn sex.

A lot of the talk and questions here are because people are trying to figure out what's going on , it's not finger pointing at you.

There is a chance that your wife is asexual. Some people have no desire for sex at all. They can enjoy it some when it happens, but they have no sex drive.

Some women have responsive sex drives. That means that they require their mate to start the sex in order for them to be sexually aroused. To me, from what you have been posting, your wife has a responsive sex drive.

But it is often hard to tell the difference between asexual and a responsive sex drive.

Or she just has not been 'set free' yet and just does not understand her own sexuality.

I get your frustration. I would hate to be with a man who is like your wife, and yes some men are. WE get women posting here married to men who are like your wife.
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post #84 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:30 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

It sounds like 2 roommates trying to oblige each other.

What is your day to day like? Any hugs and kisses? Any flirting, sexting? Any non sexual affection?
You said your romantic. What things do you do that are romantic? Do you guys go on dates? Do you still "date" her?
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post #85 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

As for the porn thing growing up all I knew and used was a sears catalog ( the underwear section) it was not until after I was married and unhappy with sex that I looked for more porn.
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post #86 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:33 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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When I ask how do u want to have sex: she said she likes PIV that is how she cums.
How long does it take for her to cum from PIV?

If you take her at her word, she's one of the 1% or so of women who come exclusively from PIV. IT's very rare. That's all she needs. So she does not understand a need for anything else.

Again, taking her at her word, you are unhappy with who she is when it comes to sex and you want her to be someone she is not. Your being unhappy with her about this would make her want sex less and less. It would turn sex into a chore.

I just do not see a way to fix this unless you are willing to tell her that what is going on is not ok and unless she works to fix this, you are not staying in this marriage. To fix it would require that the two of you go to a marriage counselor who is a sex therapist. Why? Because you need someone who talks to BOTH of you to help figure this out.
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post #87 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:34 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

Can you answer my above questions @mjk101

We're trying to help you we just need more info
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post #88 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:34 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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We did not have sex Out of religious reasons.
What were the religious beliefs that she was taught about sex? Do you know?
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post #89 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

We hug all the time we flirt. We don't sext. We cuddled. As for romance. My mother in law loves the kids and so I use that as often as possible to go on dates. Flowers and I write the occasional letters. She loves sending me notes along to work and so on...
If my original post I already said that we have like the perfect life's. Except for sex.
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post #90 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:39 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Her love language is acts of service.
Did you read the 5 Languages of Love? Is that where this comes from?

There are two books that are much more detailed and thus a lot more help than that book. It might be a lot of help for the two of you to read them and do the work together that they say to do.

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs".
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