Sex! Just another thing on the todo list - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #91 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:39 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

Religious. Not interested in sex. Doesn't enjoy anything you have tried. No idea what she might enjoy.

You have zero chance of having a satisfying sex life with your current wife if you cannot get her to see a sex therapist to discuss (i) that sex between husband and wife is beautiful and precious and sanctified by God, (ii) that her enjoying herself is a blessing to herself and her husband, and (iii) that the therapist can help your wife to discover things that do feel good. Same zero chance if your wife refuses to do the homework and exercises the sex therapist assigns. Does not make your wife a bad person if she refuses. But it makes her a bad partner for you if you desire to have a satisfying sex life with her.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #92 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:42 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Originally Posted by mjk101 View Post
We hug all the time we flirt. We don't sext. We cuddled. As for romance. My mother in law loves the kids and so I use that as often as possible to go on dates. Flowers and I write the occasional letters. She loves sending me notes along to work and so on...
If my original post I already said that we have like the perfect life's. Except for sex.
How many hours a week do you and your wife spend alone doing date-like things, just the two of you. By date-like I mean spending time together doing things that you both enjoy and the two of you concentrating on each other? They can be things like just talking about your feelings, cuddling, out to a dinner date, even sex.

Things like watching TV or a movie do not count or doing separate activities in the same room or close by do not count.
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post #93 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:47 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

Get the Book the Five Love Languages. Figure out your wife's Love Languages. Make sure the things you do to please her are aimed at the things that provide her with a big emotional payoff. You can waste alot of time and energy doing things that don't do much for her, then being angry and frustrated that she is not responding to your efforts with the things you want from her.

But if she has been brought up to think that sex is something dirty and evil and wrong, no matter how well you treat her she isn't going to want to "reward" your good behavior with sex. Because you don't respond to loving gestures from your family by dumping manure on them. So if she sees sex as wallowing in (much less being asked to consume) manure, no amount of good behavior on your part will lead to a better sex life unless and until she unlearns that sex is bad and something to be avoided at all costs.

The payoff to her from making the effort (besides learning to enjoy sex - which may not seem like a positive to her at this point) is to eliminate her internal conflict. Right now she probably feels enormous stress. Her husband is pressing her to engage in behavior she sees as bad and wrong and dirty. She loves him and wants to please him but she feels uncomfortable responding positively to his requests. She doesn't like disappointing him and feels like a failure. if she learns to see sex with her husband as something good and pure and beautiful, the inner conflict will disappear. She might be willing to invest in a process to reduce her internal conflict even if she is not convinced that learning to enjoy sex is possible or desirable.

When you can see it coming, duck!

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post #94 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:49 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

It just seems like you are friend-zoned.

My advice is... you have to be the go getter. You need to increase the sexual tension. Although she should, the reality is from what you wrote that she isn't going to so that means you need too.

Start kissing her more. Start complimenting her in sexual ways. You need to set the mood and tone. When she's cooking, come behind her and kiss her neck and put your hands on her hips. When you hug her touch her butt while whispering something sexy in her ear... "you have such a nice ass", "hmm the things I wanna do to this ass", "God I just love your body".

Sexual tension is important and can be created easily with some effort. Just act like she is the sexist thing in the world and you are dying to have sex with her. Don't be her b*tch husband who does the dishes, and rubs her feet while eating ice watching teen mom. Be her husband, her MAN. Nothing is sexier than a man that takes what he wants, who is confident, and who takes initiative. Of course this has to be done in a smooth and sexy way, not in a forceful I don't know what I'm doing kind of way.

When she's in the shower, go join her.
Touch her sexually but don't have sex with her if that makes sense. Touch her butt. When your cuddling, put your face in her breasts for a second. Kiss her breasts over her shirt then say something sexy or make a sound like mm. Then get up and do your own thing. That stuff really sets the sexual tension. I even do stuff like this to my husband all the time and he loves it. Just like I love it when he does it to me.
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post #95 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:57 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

Saying do you want to have sex is one of my biggest pet peeves. My husband does this and it drives me crazy!!! Lol from my experience sex that occurs after being asked is usually not as good and passionate. But sex that occurs organically, without talking about it is always amazing. The unexpected, unplanned sex is usually the best.
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post #96 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 06:07 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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It just seems like you are friend-zoned.

My advice is... you have to be the go getter. You need to increase the sexual tension. Although she should, the reality is from what you wrote that she isn't going to so that means you need too.

Start kissing her more. Start complimenting her in sexual ways. You need to set the mood and tone. When she's cooking, come behind her and kiss her neck and put your hands on her hips. When you hug her touch her butt while whispering something sexy in her ear... "you have such a nice ass", "hmm the things I wanna do to this ass", "God I just love your body".

Sexual tension is important and can be created easily with some effort. Just act like she is the sexist thing in the world and you are dying to have sex with her. Don't be her b*tch husband who does the dishes, and rubs her feet while eating ice watching teen mom. Be her husband, her MAN. Nothing is sexier than a man that takes what he wants, who is confident, and who takes initiative. Of course this has to be done in a smooth and sexy way, not in a forceful I don't know what I'm doing kind of way.

When she's in the shower, go join her.
Touch her sexually but don't have sex with her if that makes sense. Touch her butt. When your cuddling, put your face in her breasts for a second. Kiss her breasts over her shirt then say something sexy or make a sound like mm. Then get up and do your own thing. That stuff really sets the sexual tension. I even do stuff like this to my husband all the time and he loves it. Just like I love it when he does it to me.
These are great techniques but can back fire. As I mentioned before his wife sounds a little like mine. I try to come up behind her and try to build sexual tension and I get in trouble. I can't kiss her neck because it tickles and can't grab her booty because she thinks it's big and it jiggles. Mind you she's very small and petite with confidence issues.



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post #97 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 06:12 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

Agreed - if you are lucky enough to be in a relationship where that ever happens. I honestly can't remember when we last had unplanned sex - I can only remember 1 time from about 20 years ago.

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
Saying do you want to have sex is one of my biggest pet peeves. My husband does this and it drives me crazy!!! Lol from my experience sex that occurs after being asked is usually not as good and passionate. But sex that occurs organically, without talking about it is always amazing. The unexpected, unplanned sex is usually the best.
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post #98 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 06:13 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

Women drive me crazy sometimes. I don't know what to say to men who have wives that hate to be touched. I find it funny that women spend so much time getting ready, doing their hair, putting on uncomfortable clothes all to look nice, and get annoyed when their husbands love the way they look and want to have sex with them. It's an oxymoron.

The only thing I can think of from my own experience is when my husband is smelly, sweaty, or has bad breath. Barf... get away from me! Those 3 are repellants to any women.
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post #99 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 06:14 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Agreed - if you are lucky enough to be in a relationship where that ever happens. I honestly can't remember when we last had unplanned sex - I can only remember 1 time from about 20 years ago.


Aww I'm sorry. I hate to hear that.
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post #100 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 06:20 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

@uhtred I don't know if your a man or a women but please I beg you have sex unexpectedly tonight!! Put the moves on your spouse and get it done!
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post #101 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 07:32 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
Women drive me crazy sometimes. I don't know what to say to men who have wives that hate to be touched. I find it funny that women spend so much time getting ready, doing their hair, putting on uncomfortable clothes all to look nice, and get annoyed when their husbands love the way they look and want to have sex with them. It's an oxymoron.
Let's be sure to quality that as SOME women. A lot of women, probably most, love to be touched and love sex.

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The only thing I can think of from my own experience is when my husband is smelly, sweaty, or has bad breath. Barf... get away from me! Those 3 are repellants to any women.
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post #102 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 07:45 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

I'm male.
My wife absolutely does not want spontaneous sex. She is quite LD, and when she does want sex it is essentially always between 3 and 5pm on sunday afternoons. She is happy for general physical attention, random kisses, hugs, back rubs etc, and gets many. But when that gets at all sexual, she will stop it.

She seems to put no value at all on spontaneity.

Sad, but I'm convinced it can't be fixed. (other threads on this here, but no solution).



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@uhtred I don't know if your a man or a women but please I beg you have sex unexpectedly tonight!! Put the moves on your spouse and get it done!
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post #103 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 07:47 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

People who enjoy sex have trouble imagining what it is like to not particularly want it. I can't imagine not wanting fun passionate sex with an enthusiastic partner, but there are many women and men for whom sex really is more like a chore - despite the best efforts of their partners.



Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
Women drive me crazy sometimes. I don't know what to say to men who have wives that hate to be touched. I find it funny that women spend so much time getting ready, doing their hair, putting on uncomfortable clothes all to look nice, and get annoyed when their husbands love the way they look and want to have sex with them. It's an oxymoron.

The only thing I can think of from my own experience is when my husband is smelly, sweaty, or has bad breath. Barf... get away from me! Those 3 are repellants to any women.
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post #104 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 08:12 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
Saying do you want to have sex is one of my biggest pet peeves. My husband does this and it drives me crazy!!! Lol from my experience sex that occurs after being asked is usually not as good and passionate. But sex that occurs organically, without talking about it is always amazing. The unexpected, unplanned sex is usually the best.
@katiecrna while I strongly agree that his wife or most any women feel this way about being asked for sex, one has to step back and acknowledge in situations when intimacy is becoming complicated there has to be a system in place that allows a couple to designate a safe and nurturing times to work on intimacy. He is going to have to find "some way" to communicate with her.

@mjk101 there are some indirect ways you can ask your wife to have sex AND work on trying to make things more natural for her. You have mentioned that she does claim to enjoy sex, so you should ask her that if she has noticed an ideal time of day that she is the most receptive towards enjoying sex? This can give her an opportunity to tell you for example that she is just not a morning person and that no matter how hard you try in the mornings that nothing will ever happen. She may also say that by the end of the day that she may often be too fatigued most of the time and have little or no patience left to try and get herself into a playful mood. As a result she may find that lunchtime is her ideal time, because she is energized and in the mood to enjoy a break.

Once you establish that, you can learn better how to plan a romantic moment with her that actually stands a fair chance of being enjoyable.

You can also talk to your wife during a non-intimate moment about asking her what things if any that she finds annoying during sex. She may tell you that she gets really annoyed when you ask too many questions DURING sex. And if you are hesitating to try something new or different, you can run those ideas by her outside the bedroom to see if she has any objections to any of them. You may find that your wife is completely OK with trying anal sex, but that it would only be OK under very specific conditions like while playing around in the shower so that any hygiene issues are easily mitigated. This way the next time you are being playful in the shower, you don't have to ask if you want to go exploring a little. I am using this unusual example just to demonstrate how you can ask more questions outside the bedroom, so that when an intimate moment happens that you have very clear knowledge about what is OK and what is not so that you can be more playful without asking questions.

Regarding oral, perhaps that is something she feels comfortable exploring immediately following a shower so that she is not self conscious about her hygiene and can relax. Meanwhile if you find yourself getting intimate immediately after she has been working in the yard, you know not to even go there. But you have to ask her these things, and NOT during sex!!!!!!!!!! Ask during pizza and watching sports together on TV.

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post #105 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 08:39 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

Do you think both of you talking to your church leader will help? Many religions have strict rules about sex before marriage, but after marriage the story is usually very different. If she grew up with oppressive negative impressions about sex, that may be carrying over. It might help to do some counseling with your church leader so she can understand how important intimacy is to a successful marriage.

You sound pretty understanding with reasonable expectations. The fact that she initiates is a very good sign. Even though it might not be the sex you envision, be sure to let her know how much it means to you that she is intimate with you. I think she can get to the point where she sees intimacy as a way to strengthen and increase the bond of love between you.
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