.....I am not complaining about the quantity of it but the quality of it
. I think my wife understands the importance of intimacy in a relationship and she fulfills her "wifely duties" by once or twice a week allowing me to have sex with her. This sounds bad and it is.
I don't want to be allowed to have sex i rather would like her to want to have sex with me
. (There is a difference). I feel like i am a to do thing on a list. I can tell that she does not enjoy having sex by her face and her participation
and it puzzles me as to why. I know that she has orgasms.
And it's not like I am ugly and
size wise, stamina and the sense of adventure is there on my part. When we talk about sex it always ends with her saying "I understand but I don't know" and with me feeling guilty for not being happy with what I got. Questions like "what turns you on" or "how can I make it more pleasurable for you?" Are also a answered with just a generic non specific answer. I am so frustrated that I don't ask for sex anymore
but just accept when she offers because I know that it's all out of a sense of duty.
So here I am asking what can I do to either help her to get a sense of desire for me/ or at all
(I would be relieved if I knew that she was masturbating, because that would me that I am doing something wrong and I can somehow fix this) or to make her understand that I kinda what more than " I am here and have my legs spread". Or what I can do to change to help her.
The other option is that I go on medications to lower my drive
to the point where it don't matter no more (I don't want to do that but I love that woman!!!)
Please remember that in all other aspects of our marriage i feel that she and I have awesome time and relationship.
A couple of thoughts. First you are not broken and she is not broken. She isn't in need of fixing and neither are you. You should never consider taking medication that you don't need just to depress your sex drive. As a man one day, if you live long enough. you will either get some form of ED or prostate cancer (and the surgical fix for that has a high percentage rate of permanent ED). So enjoy your erections while you can.
I really dislike the thought of wanting each sexual experience to be a quality romantic/spiritual event. The reasons are that sex is a physical activity and like any requires practice to get good at it. Sex should be playful, exploratory and fun, not serious business. Sex should not create performance anxiety for your wife, or you.
If I were in your shoes, I would sit down with your wife and explain to her that you need help, in particular you need her help in changing yourself and your attitudes. That you would like the two of you to see a sex therapist. I would further tell her that she is not broken or in need of fixing, it is you that you want her help supporting changing your views toward sex and marriage. Seriously.
You obviously feel you are in an HD/LD sexual relationship where she doesn't want sex with you (on her to do list) and yet you are having sex twice a week. She probably knows exactly how disappointed with sex you feel and yet she keeps trying. If that is the case then you (and she in supporting you) need to figure out what will work for the both of you. Maybe if she starts to feel appreciated for her sexuality and her attempts she will become more "enthusiastic."
I was in a sex starved marriage where it was never again. With the help of a great Sex Therapist my marriage was saved. The ST helped teach us that sex should be playful, fun and exploratory. It should be an adult version of recess with giggling and laughing. Sometimes things will go fantastic and sometimes neither of us will orgasm and we can laugh about it and vow to try another day. Putting too much emphasis on quality of sex creates performance anxiety. The ST taught us to visualize what we wanted marriage to be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, and what the role of sex was in keeping our relationship strong, playful and fun.
The ST gave us Sensate Focus exercises to help us learn how to give touch and receive touch. The ST gave us Sinclair Institute Better Sex Videos to show us the technical aspects of different forms of sex we might want to explore. The ST helped us break the old toxic habits of ritualized sex we had developed over decades of marriage. In my transformation, I learned that I (as well as my wife) had a significant role in our failing marriage. Both my wife and I worked on changing ourselves and our sexual attitudes (not just changing our partner) so that we could each be a better spouse. It involved hard changes for each of us.
From my limited experience, I would strongly recommend Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy book to you. (Your second post screams out what Glover would call "covert contracts" with your wife to try to get sex from her.) I would also recommend that you understand that a marriage is about compromise. You need to figure out in your head what you mean by "...she does not enjoy having sex..." What is it that you expect from her? Do you expect her to scream your name when she orgasms at the top of her lungs? Do you expect her to dress up in kinky clothes for you? Do you expect her to have the energy and desire to paw at you and seduce you? What do you mean by you want her to "...want to have sex with me.."? Are any of those realistic given her career, learned responses from you? Whether you want to admit it or not, you have probably conditioned your wife over the years in how she sexually responds to you.
You clearly now want something that you don't feel you are getting. I assume you don't want her to fake excitement. If so, how do you want her to change. Is what you want really fair? As MW Davis (Divorce Busting) says, the only person you have control over to change is yourself. You can change the way you treat your wife. You can change the way you allow her to treat you (a 180), but you can't change her. However, your can reinforce positive changes she exhibits to you that you like. You need to think about that for a minute.
The reason that a Sex Therapist is so valuable is that they have seen it all before and have training in how to help people with sexual difficulties. They also know how to help people reach compromise on sexual issues. You and your wife can potentially benefit from such help.