Sex! Just another thing on the todo list - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #1 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:41 AM Thread Starter
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Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

This is inspired by a different post where the question was: why would you choose porn over me?" (Very interesting go check it out)

I have been married for 7 years and I still and always will, love my wife. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her. If that means that we will have a one sided sex life, then so be it. However before I stop trying i would like to ask for help. I think that we have a good marriage. We openly communicate about everything (that's her doing, she taught me that). We even talked about me watching porn (which she is against and so I don't). I know her love language and i am kind of a romantic. I know that sex drive is affected by stress or tiredness and I make sure that I help in anyway possible. And I am not complaining about the quantity of it but the quality of it. I think my wife understands the importance of intimacy in a relationship and she fulfills her "wifely duties" by once or twice a week allowing me to have sex with her. This sounds bad and it is. I don't want to be allowed to have sex i rather would like her to want to have sex with me. (There is a difference). I feel like i am a to do thing on a list. I can tell that she does not enjoy having sex by her face and her participation and it puzzles me as to why. I know that she has orgasms. And it's not like I am ugly and size wise, stamina and the sense of adventure is there on my part. When we talk about sex it always ends with her saying "I understand but I don't know" and with me feeling guilty for not being happy with what I got. Questions like "what turns you on" or "how can I make it more pleasurable for you?" Are also a answered with just a generic non specific answer. I am so frustrated that I don't ask for sex anymore but just accept when she offers because I know that it's all out of a sense of duty.

So here I am asking what can I do to either help her to get a sense of desire for me/ or at all (I would be relieved if I knew that she was masturbating, because that would me that I am doing something wrong and I can somehow fix this) or to make her understand that I kinda what more than " I am here and have my legs spread". Or what I can do to change to help her.
The other option is that I go on medications to lower my drive to the point where it don't matter no more (I don't want to do that but I love that woman!!!)
Please remember that in all other aspects of our marriage i feel that she and I have awesome time and relationship.
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post #2 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 12:08 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

"Please remember that in all other aspects of our marriage i feel that she and I have awesome time and relationship."

How does she feel about the relationship?

In my last relationship my sexual attraction for my partner died. There's no doubt in my mind that he would have shared this very statement and believed it too. Hell I would have probably said that in the early stages as I had not connected the dots and realized the seemingly small issues that in synergy, lead to the demise of my sexual interest.
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post #3 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 12:19 PM Thread Starter
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Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Originally Posted by Keke24 View Post
"Please remember that in all other aspects of our marriage i feel that she and I have awesome time and relationship."

How does she feel about the relationship?

In my last relationship my sexual attraction for my partner died. There's no doubt in my mind that he would have shared this very statement and believed it too. Hell I would have probably said that in the early stages as I had not connected the dots and realized the seemingly small issues that in synergy, lead to the demise of my sexual interest.


We talk about our relationship often, I try to make sure that we are on track. I mentioned that I do anything for her. I really mean that. I took a job so I am home early and I can cook(she hates cooking) I clean and do everything but laundry (she doesn't let me do that, I guess she doesn't like pink) i did change a lot about myself (behaviour wise) to her liking. In fact my friends all make fun of me because I am "whipped" but that don't bother me as long as she is happy. (And according to her she is). This is not a new thing. We had this problem since day1 of marriage. ( we did not have sex before we got married)

Last edited by mjk101; 03-21-2017 at 12:28 PM.
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post #4 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 01:10 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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.....I am not complaining about the quantity of it but the quality of it. I think my wife understands the importance of intimacy in a relationship and she fulfills her "wifely duties" by once or twice a week allowing me to have sex with her. This sounds bad and it is.

I don't want to be allowed to have sex i rather would like her to want to have sex with me. (There is a difference). I feel like i am a to do thing on a list. I can tell that she does not enjoy having sex by her face and her participation and it puzzles me as to why. I know that she has orgasms. And it's not like I am ugly and size wise, stamina and the sense of adventure is there on my part. When we talk about sex it always ends with her saying "I understand but I don't know" and with me feeling guilty for not being happy with what I got. Questions like "what turns you on" or "how can I make it more pleasurable for you?" Are also a answered with just a generic non specific answer. I am so frustrated that I don't ask for sex anymore but just accept when she offers because I know that it's all out of a sense of duty.

So here I am asking what can I do to either help her to get a sense of desire for me/ or at all (I would be relieved if I knew that she was masturbating, because that would me that I am doing something wrong and I can somehow fix this) or to make her understand that I kinda what more than " I am here and have my legs spread". Or what I can do to change to help her.
The other option is that I go on medications to lower my drive to the point where it don't matter no more (I don't want to do that but I love that woman!!!)
Please remember that in all other aspects of our marriage i feel that she and I have awesome time and relationship.
A couple of thoughts. First you are not broken and she is not broken. She isn't in need of fixing and neither are you. You should never consider taking medication that you don't need just to depress your sex drive. As a man one day, if you live long enough. you will either get some form of ED or prostate cancer (and the surgical fix for that has a high percentage rate of permanent ED). So enjoy your erections while you can.

I really dislike the thought of wanting each sexual experience to be a quality romantic/spiritual event. The reasons are that sex is a physical activity and like any requires practice to get good at it. Sex should be playful, exploratory and fun, not serious business. Sex should not create performance anxiety for your wife, or you.

If I were in your shoes, I would sit down with your wife and explain to her that you need help, in particular you need her help in changing yourself and your attitudes. That you would like the two of you to see a sex therapist. I would further tell her that she is not broken or in need of fixing, it is you that you want her help supporting changing your views toward sex and marriage. Seriously.

You obviously feel you are in an HD/LD sexual relationship where she doesn't want sex with you (on her to do list) and yet you are having sex twice a week. She probably knows exactly how disappointed with sex you feel and yet she keeps trying. If that is the case then you (and she in supporting you) need to figure out what will work for the both of you. Maybe if she starts to feel appreciated for her sexuality and her attempts she will become more "enthusiastic."

I was in a sex starved marriage where it was never again. With the help of a great Sex Therapist my marriage was saved. The ST helped teach us that sex should be playful, fun and exploratory. It should be an adult version of recess with giggling and laughing. Sometimes things will go fantastic and sometimes neither of us will orgasm and we can laugh about it and vow to try another day. Putting too much emphasis on quality of sex creates performance anxiety. The ST taught us to visualize what we wanted marriage to be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, and what the role of sex was in keeping our relationship strong, playful and fun.

The ST gave us Sensate Focus exercises to help us learn how to give touch and receive touch. The ST gave us Sinclair Institute Better Sex Videos to show us the technical aspects of different forms of sex we might want to explore. The ST helped us break the old toxic habits of ritualized sex we had developed over decades of marriage. In my transformation, I learned that I (as well as my wife) had a significant role in our failing marriage. Both my wife and I worked on changing ourselves and our sexual attitudes (not just changing our partner) so that we could each be a better spouse. It involved hard changes for each of us.

From my limited experience, I would strongly recommend Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy book to you. (Your second post screams out what Glover would call "covert contracts" with your wife to try to get sex from her.) I would also recommend that you understand that a marriage is about compromise. You need to figure out in your head what you mean by "...she does not enjoy having sex..." What is it that you expect from her? Do you expect her to scream your name when she orgasms at the top of her lungs? Do you expect her to dress up in kinky clothes for you? Do you expect her to have the energy and desire to paw at you and seduce you? What do you mean by you want her to "...want to have sex with me.."? Are any of those realistic given her career, learned responses from you? Whether you want to admit it or not, you have probably conditioned your wife over the years in how she sexually responds to you.

You clearly now want something that you don't feel you are getting. I assume you don't want her to fake excitement. If so, how do you want her to change. Is what you want really fair? As MW Davis (Divorce Busting) says, the only person you have control over to change is yourself. You can change the way you treat your wife. You can change the way you allow her to treat you (a 180), but you can't change her. However, your can reinforce positive changes she exhibits to you that you like. You need to think about that for a minute.

The reason that a Sex Therapist is so valuable is that they have seen it all before and have training in how to help people with sexual difficulties. They also know how to help people reach compromise on sexual issues. You and your wife can potentially benefit from such help.

Good luck.

Last edited by Young at Heart; 03-21-2017 at 01:15 PM.
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post #5 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 01:13 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

Quote:
Originally Posted by mjk101 View Post
We talk about our relationship often, I try to make sure that we are on track. I mentioned that I do anything for her. I really mean that. I took a job so I am home early and I can cook(she hates cooking) I clean and do everything but laundry (she doesn't let me do that, I guess she doesn't like pink) i did change a lot about myself (behaviour wise) to her liking. In fact my friends all make fun of me because I am "whipped" but that don't bother me as long as she is happy. (And according to her she is). This is not a new thing. We had this problem since day1 of marriage. ( we did not have sex before we got married)
Oh dear, this sounds like a rerun of Mr. Nice Guy. But I could be wrong, I hope I'm wrong.

What was her sex drive like in her previous relationships? How did this problem play out in the beginning of your relationship?

FYI: my issues with my partner starting rearing its head from the very beginning. I just didn't realize this until much later when it got real serious.

Last edited by Keke24; 03-21-2017 at 01:18 PM.
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post #6 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 01:16 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

You go to work and come back and do everything (but laundry)? Does she work? Wow. Man, you sure that's not why the relationship is going downhill. Because she has you around like her little moose-boy. She probably doesn't respect you for being the doormat that your original post paints you out to be. Do you have friends that you socialise with outside of home? 'Cause you sound like a "yes ma'am, no ma'am" character that doesn't have a life of his own; whose life revolves around his wife. Not a good thing. I don't care what those ****ty movies/books say.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #7 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 01:19 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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You go to work and come back and do everything (but laundry)? Does she work? Wow. Man, you sure that's not why the relationship is going downhill. Because she has you around like her little moose-boy. She probably doesn't respect you for being the doormat that your original post paints you out to be. Do you have friends that you socialise with outside of home? 'Cause you sound like a "yes ma'am, no ma'am" character that doesn't have a life of his own; whose life revolves around his wife. Not a good thing. I don't care what those ****ty movies/books say.
Oh dear, someone's said it...

OP, you sound very much like my ex.
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post #8 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 01:27 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

When was the last time you went away together?
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post #9 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 01:36 PM Thread Starter
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Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
A couple of thoughts. First you are not broken and she is not broken. She isn't in need of fixing and neither are you. You should never consider taking medication that you don't need just to depress your sex drive. As a man one day, if you live long enough. you will either get some form of ED or prostate cancer (and the surgical fix for that has a high percentage rate of permanent ED). So enjoy your erections while you can.

I really dislike the thought of wanting each sexual experience to be a quality romantic/spiritual event. The reasons are that sex is a physical activity and like any requires practice to get good at it. Sex should be playful, exploratory and fun, not serious business. Sex should not create performance anxiety for your wife, or you.

If I were in your shoes, I would sit down with your wife and explain to her that you need help, in particular you need her help in changing yourself and your attitudes. That you would like the two of you to see a sex therapist. I would further tell her that she is not broken or in need of fixing, it is you that you want her help supporting changing your views toward sex and marriage. Seriously.

You obviously feel you are in an HD/LD sexual relationship where she doesn't want sex with you (on her to do list) and yet you are having sex twice a week. She probably knows exactly how disappointed with sex you feel and yet she keeps trying. If that is the case then you (and she in supporting you) need to figure out what will work for the both of you. Maybe if she starts to feel appreciated for her sexuality and her attempts she will become more "enthusiastic."

I was in a sex starved marriage where it was never again. With the help of a great Sex Therapist my marriage was saved. The ST helped teach us that sex should be playful, fun and exploratory. It should be an adult version of recess with giggling and laughing. Sometimes things will go fantastic and sometimes neither of us will orgasm and we can laugh about it and vow to try another day. Putting too much emphasis on quality of sex creates performance anxiety. The ST taught us to visualize what we wanted marriage to be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, and what the role of sex was in keeping our relationship strong, playful and fun.

The ST gave us Sensate Focus exercises to help us learn how to give touch and receive touch. The ST gave us Sinclair Institute Better Sex Videos to show us the technical aspects of different forms of sex we might want to explore. The ST helped us break the old toxic habits of ritualized sex we had developed over decades of marriage. In my transformation, I learned that I (as well as my wife) had a significant role in our failing marriage. Both my wife and I worked on changing ourselves and our sexual attitudes (not just changing our partner) so that we could each be a better spouse. It involved hard changes for each of us.

From my limited experience, I would strongly recommend Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy book to you. (Your second post screams out what Glover would call "covert contracts" with your wife to try to get sex from her.) I would also recommend that you understand that a marriage is about compromise. You need to figure out in your head what you mean by "...she does not enjoy having sex..." What is it that you expect from her? Do you expect her to scream your name when she orgasms at the top of her lungs? Do you expect her to dress up in kinky clothes for you? Do you expect her to have the energy and desire to paw at you and seduce you? What do you mean by you want her to "...want to have sex with me.."? Are any of those realistic given her career, learned responses from you? Whether you want to admit it or not, you have probably conditioned your wife over the years in how she sexually responds to you.

You clearly now want something that you don't feel you are getting. I assume you don't want her to fake excitement. If so, how do you want her to change. Is what you want really fair? As MW Davis (Divorce Busting) says, the only person you have control over to change is yourself. You can change the way you treat your wife. You can change the way you allow her to treat you (a 180), but you can't change her. However, your can reinforce positive changes she exhibits to you that you like. You need to think about that for a minute.

The reason that a Sex Therapist is so valuable is that they have seen it all before and have training in how to help people with sexual difficulties. They also know how to help people reach compromise on sexual issues. You and your wife can potentially benefit from such help.

Good luck.


Thanks you for that comment. I thought about going to a therapist before as well but I think she needs to be willing to go aswell as listen and change(if needed) but at this point I think that she doesn't see this as a problem. She thinks that women have less to no desire for sex and that its a guys thing only women in porn like sex because they get paid for it. So I don't know how to counter that.

Last edited by mjk101; 03-21-2017 at 01:55 PM.
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post #10 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 01:43 PM Thread Starter
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Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Oh dear, this sounds like a rerun of Mr. Nice Guy. But I could be wrong, I hope I'm wrong.

What was her sex drive like in her previous relationships? How did this problem play out in the beginning of your relationship?

FYI: my issues with my partner starting rearing its head from the very beginning. I just didn't realize this until much later when it got real serious.


I am her first and she is my first. And yes I know she is telling the truth because the pain and blood the first time .How did it start? First it was the #of times we had sex I had to beg and beg to get it. After we started to talk more and I told her how I feel. After that we had more sex but it was still mechanical. When we talk about it she Beats around the bush but the point she makes that the sex is for me

Last edited by mjk101; 03-21-2017 at 01:59 PM.
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post #11 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 01:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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You go to work and come back and do everything (but laundry)? Does she work? Wow. Man, you sure that's not why the relationship is going downhill. Because she has you around like her little moose-boy. She probably doesn't respect you for being the doormat that your original post paints you out to be. Do you have friends that you socialise with outside of home? 'Cause you sound like a "yes ma'am, no ma'am" character that doesn't have a life of his own; whose life revolves around his wife. Not a good thing. I don't care what those ****ty movies/books say.


Sorry I don't quite understand. What exactly do u mean? And reading my post I should correct myself it sounds like I am doing all the work. Not quite Right. i help her along in everything except laundry. Ex. We clean together.... and yes I have friends but I don't go out much just here and there /couple times a month
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post #12 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 01:49 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Thanks you for that comment. I thought about going to a therapist before as well but I think she needs to be willing to go aswell as listen and change(if needed) but at this point I think that she doesn't see this as a problem.
So if you work all day,come home and cook dinner,clean up after dinner and do the hoovering your wife "might"allow you to have sex with her once or twice a week while she lies there motionless.Even your friends tell you that you are *****whipped but "you don't mind".This is not how married life or any life should be.Your wife has lost all respect for you and if she gets her sex drive it won't be you getting the benefit of it.
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post #13 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 01:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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When was the last time you went away together?

About a year ago.
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post #14 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 02:03 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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Sorry I don't quite understand. What exactly do u mean? And reading my post I should correct myself it sounds like I am doing all the work. Not quite Right. i help her along in everything except laundry. Ex. We clean together.... and yes I have friends but I don't go out much just here and there /couple times a month
You still sound like her servant to me. As @Andy1001 said, your friends are calling you whipped for a reason. They can see something about you that you can't see because it is hard to be fully self-aware at all times. That's why humans exist in community. We can see things in another that they can't see in themselves and vice-versa. I hope you are not "helping" her in return for sex because that is manipulative. If you clean around the house, do it because you want to not because you are expecting something in return. Because when you don't get what you are expecting in return you will get bitter and that will only further damage the relationship.

You need to start getting your own life. Go out more. Not to the point where you are seldom ever home but enough so that you have some surviving social life outside of home. Being this social will open you up to new things, it will make you more confident, and that will be more attractive to your wife. As contradicting as it may sound, being excessively helpful to your woman will actually make her less attracted to you. You have to be your own man. Helping when you see the need and saying no when you don't want to.

Like a previous poster said, read No More Mister Nice Guy. It's free online and I think you will find in it a treasure trove of wisdom.

Godspeed OP

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post #15 of 107 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 02:06 PM
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Re: Sex! Just another thing on the todo list

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I am her first and she is my first. How did it start? First it was the #of times we had sex I had to beg and beg to get it. After we started to talk more and I told her how I feel. After that we had more sex but it was still mechanical. When we talk about it she Beats around the bush but the point she makes that the sex is for me
Well this complicates things. If she was a virgin then she may not have a very good idea about what she likes sexually, what turns her off, how to make herself orgasm etc etc. Her saying "she doesn't know" in response to you asking why there's an issue is probably true.

I think it would be easiest to scratch off you being a nice guy as the bigger part of the problem by getting her to admit or deny that reality. Other potential factors like her simply being LD/you HD or her having some medical issue or just not being interested in sex are a bit more complicated.

As another poster has said, you should check out the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Most importantly, she should read it too. The PDF is available for free online. Ask her to read it (without telling her this is about the sex) and see if she recognizes similarities in your personality.
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