having sex, but not feeling wanted (weird, I know). - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 10:50 PM Thread Starter
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having sex, but not feeling wanted (weird, I know).

My husband is such a sweet man. He is the sweetest with our two kids. We've been married for 5 years and I feel like he has not grown in the sexual area of our marriage. He pretty much is the same from when we married even though I have suggested doing things a little differently. My biggest frustration is that he hardly kisses me when we're having sex. Anywhere. I don't understand. For this reason sex is just that to me. I have never really felt like we've made love. Just had sex. I've mentioned and asked him to kiss me a little more, but he will for about a week after and then he'll stop not long after. Ugh. I just want to feel like I'm wanted (is it weird that I don't even though we're having sex?) how do I bring it up to him and make it stick in his head without being a complete jerk?
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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:14 PM
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Re: having sex, but not feeling wanted (weird, I know).

No it's not weird that you don't feel wanted even though you are having sex. He's not making love to you. He's using your body.

Instead of telling him, what if you tease him.... he has to kiss you, and do foreplay before there is any PIV... surely you could find a way to do this in a playful manner.

I wonder if a sex therapist could give you ideas in how to be playful to lead him into doing what you want... into you teaching him.

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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:21 PM
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Cool Re: having sex, but not feeling wanted (weird, I know).

Just be honest and tell him exactly how you feel!

If that doesn't do it, then I'd feel that mandatory marriage counseling would be very much in order!

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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:22 PM
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Re: having sex, but not feeling wanted (weird, I know).

I don't think it's necessarily a reflection of how he feels about you. My wife is like this--just doesn't seem to know how to kiss or even want to. I think it's just not part of her nature. She was not part of a kissy family growing up, while I was. There was really no physical affection in her family. She does like all the other acts of affection that I do. It might be that your husband's "love language" is more the act of making love, and the kisses just don't do much for him. But even so, I think a good partner should pick up on the things you like and make an effort to do those things. So I share your frustration in that regard.
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 01:04 AM
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Re: having sex, but not feeling wanted (weird, I know).

The biggest mistake women make is thinking their man will change after marriage. Look it up. The problem is that what you see is what you get. If his morality views sex as plain vanilla, that is all you will get. Sex is not only important in a marriage but critical to it. Sex releases the hormone Oxytocin. Its sole job is to emotionally bond the two of you together. It is the same hormone that bonds you to your children. It is that powerful. It is also one of the hormones that mix with others to produce the feeling of love. Without it, you basically become friends with benefits. Intimacy goes out the window. Locking your marriage down in monogamy breeds an almost viral tendency to take the other person for granted, to have huge expectations, and to deliver this all from a sense of duty and obligation — without a thank you! This stifling setup can prohibit the joyful feelings normally experience in a marriage.

It is usually the woman who has the lower libido and wants to explore different types of sex. We guys have dirty minds and want to do all the things we see in porn. Speaking of porn, it can be destructive to a marriage. I fell into that trap myself. I was masturbating several times a day so when my wife wanted sex, I could not perform since I usually had ejaculated not too long ago. You also tend to choose masturbation to porn over sex with your wife. With porn you can be with a hot young girl who is submissive to a man and lets him do anything to her. Porn also has lots of fetish sex that drive men to want more and more extreme sex. Regular sex does not arouse them anymore.

Been there and done that. Why shower, shave and have sex with my wife that will be the same type of sex we had for the last few years. I press this, she does that and we know what buttons to push on each other so that there is no suspense or surprises. Much easier to watch porn. In the mood for anal sex, watch it and pretend you are doing it. What to be dominated. Plenty of porn does that. So you will need to find out if porn is the problem. I used all sorts of excuses to defer sex with my wife until I finally recognised that I had a problem and confessed.

Our solution was unusual because it involved wearing a chastity cage on my penis which was locked by my wife. I know it sounds weird but millions of people are tying this each year and you can even buy the chastity devices from some national drug store chains online. They are not only used to control masturbation for to control your husband's orgasms. This way you can still have regular sex except he will be very horny and pliable and you get most of the orgasms. He will focus sex on you, not him. You can just lay back and enjoy without having to reciprocate. The best part is that he will remain sexually aroused and intimate until his orgasm. That orgasm will be mind blowing after a few days, weeks or months. Up to the two of you. It is very similar to Tantric sex where you have sex as normal but just skip the ten seconds of his orgasm. Worth Googling it but ignore all the BDSM, cuckolding, FLR and feminization stuff that is there to attract horny men living their sex life online. No need for any of that. My wife and I just live our lives as normal except that I only get to orgasm once or twice a month. I am always on my best behavior and always aroused and intimate enough to please her. Women have controlled me with sex for a very long time.

Find out the reason and if it is porn, do something to fix it.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 06:07 AM
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Re: having sex, but not feeling wanted (weird, I know).

Not knowing his past or yours.

Did the two of you have partners before the two of you meet?

If so it might just be sex to him if he had several. There are studies out there that show a guy will not bond intimately with his wife after 5 or 6 partners. With women it's a higher number.
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 08:42 AM
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Re: having sex, but not feeling wanted (weird, I know).

Quote:
Originally Posted by malo1 View Post
I just want to feel like I'm wanted
If you are looking for things to develop in your bedroom, odds are you will need to let go of this one!

Think about happiness in general. One can not expect someone else to be the sole source of making you happy. Then you can not get frustrated with them when they fail to do what you want in order for you to be happy. While YES, other people can do things to make you happy, but happiness should come from with and then be "shared" with your partner.

Sexuality works much the same way. You should be in charge and take responsibility for your own pleasure and then "share" that with your partner. While many couples do negotiate various forms of "give and take" pleasures from one another, these are selfish pleasures (which can actually be important from time to time). I would suggest you and your partner work towards selfless pleasures in that you simply share your happiness with each other without any expectations other than trying to make your partner feel loved.

If you need/want him to kiss you, don't wait for him to just do this on his own initiative. Tell him how much you desire it, take the initiative and kiss him, and share with him how much joy you have.

Hope that helps,
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 08:56 AM
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Re: having sex, but not feeling wanted (weird, I know).

Encouragement and praise goes a long way with most blokes so when he does kiss you where and how you like, make a point of giving some sincere praise.

As another pointed out he might have porn issues. Talk to him. If he does its easy enough to meld kissing into a pornish/less vanilla sex life.

I agree with Vinnydee about men not changing up to a point. We men folk are "trainable" but not massively changeable
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 03:33 PM
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Re: having sex, but not feeling wanted (weird, I know).

Quote:
Originally Posted by malo1 View Post
My husband is such a sweet man. He is the sweetest with our two kids. We've been married for 5 years and I feel like he has not grown in the sexual area of our marriage. He pretty much is the same from when we married even though I have suggested doing things a little differently. My biggest frustration is that he hardly kisses me when we're having sex. Anywhere. I don't understand. For this reason sex is just that to me. I have never really felt like we've made love. Just had sex. I've mentioned and asked him to kiss me a little more, but he will for about a week after and then he'll stop not long after. Ugh. I just want to feel like I'm wanted (is it weird that I don't even though we're having sex?) how do I bring it up to him and make it stick in his head without being a complete jerk?
sounds like you married my wife, or my wife is the female form of your husband.



what happens when you initiate kissing?
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 05:27 PM
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Re: having sex, but not feeling wanted (weird, I know).

My wife taught me that kissing her neck and shoulder, and certain areas of her body really turn her on. It was more born out of my frustration of not getting her turned on when I wanted. So if he's at all interested in lighting you up, teach him what turns you on.

I have the same experience where my wife doesn't like kissing once things get going. It's either a distraction or it's a turn-off, I can't figure out which. I know at times it has made me question how she really feels, but I think that's really just my paranoia.
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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:01 PM
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Re: having sex, but not feeling wanted (weird, I know).

I agree with @JamesTKirk on this one, there is no better motivator for me tan knowing its a turn on for my wife.

I guess my point is, what is the message that your sending him? Most men that I know will do things completely out of Character for them if they think its turning on their wife. so If my wife says, "you need to kiss me more because I feel like I need more affection", is going to generate passing interest in me. If, after a passionate kiss my wife says, "wow when you kiss me like that I get wet", this is going to get my attention becuase the more my wife motor gets revved up, the more my motor gets revved up.

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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 08:10 AM
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Re: having sex, but not feeling wanted (weird, I know).

very common what you are feeling. men and women can have very different views on sex. Keep at it. Read the book The five love languages. It is not a huge issue, but one that needs to be worked on throughout the marriage for the marriage to grow.
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 08:49 AM
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Re: having sex, but not feeling wanted (weird, I know).

Quote:
Originally Posted by malo1 View Post
My husband is such a sweet man. He is the sweetest with our two kids. We've been married for 5 years and I feel like he has not grown in the sexual area of our marriage. He pretty much is the same from when we married even though I have suggested doing things a little differently. My biggest frustration is that he hardly kisses me when we're having sex. Anywhere. I don't understand. For this reason sex is just that to me. I have never really felt like we've made love. Just had sex. I've mentioned and asked him to kiss me a little more, but he will for about a week after and then he'll stop not long after. Ugh. I just want to feel like I'm wanted (is it weird that I don't even though we're having sex?) how do I bring it up to him and make it stick in his head without being a complete jerk?
I dont know whats going on in your husbands head but from HOW you are wording your postI can try to shed light on your own feelings, and why you feel weird about it.

Ok so because sex is mainly a taboo in our society not much s being discussed, encouraged or explored. Keep in mind 2 dimensions that er happening in your life right now:

Emotional Attraction-------------------Emotional Boredom
Sexual Arousal----------------------Sexual Deactivation

In my own experience, when you just met somebody, you can be attracted to them or bored by them EMOTIONALLY. depending on what you feel and how your feelings move on this continuum, you will find yourself seeking out the other person or ignoring them. Have you ever wondered about a friend of yours that just got a new boyfriend and when you meet him you think "what in heaven does she sees in him???". Well thats because she was attracted to him emotionally.

If there is no emotional attraction, there cannot be sexual arousal. So at the beginning couples (married or not) need the feeling to be emotionally attracted to each other. Sex comes naturally, and is very satisfying. For both.

What happens when couples get married years fly by, have kids, relocate, live together and pretty much know everything about each other? The emotional attraction can start fading out, and all of a sudden the 2 partners can find themselves on 2 different pathways. Where did the emotional attraction go? Are we still attracted to each other? Are we attracted to others? Are we still a good fit for each other? Questions start to creep in.
This has nothing to do with loving each other! This is about attraction, seduction, feeling wanted, feeling sexy, feeling wet/hard when your partner is around. This dimension is the hardest to maintain through the years.

I think this is the dimension your husband is not experiencing anymore or he never had. None of you has faults in this it is kind of a natural process.

You said he doesnt kiss you while haivng sex. Thats a big red flag about attraction. I bet he kisses you on a regular basis, but not when having sex, right? Thats because those 2 kind of kisses are completely different, almost one the opposite of the other.

Have you asked why he doesnt kiss you while having sex?
What changed in YOU from when you were just dating?
I bet (and kind of know) you initiate passionate kissing with him. How does he respond? Kisses back passionately? Reciprocates with smaller less passionate kisses? Avoids kissing you with excuses like "not here", "kids are watching", "not in public"...?

Would love to hear more, my wife and I are going to through something similar and I have thought about this long and hard so I could offer some insight.
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 11:11 PM
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Re: having sex, but not feeling wanted (weird, I know).

Why don't you take the lead and try new things? I also know exactly what you mean by not feeling wanted


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