Has anyone had sex be the glue that held a poor relationship together - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #1 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 08:56 AM Thread Starter
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Has anyone had sex be the glue that held a poor relationship together

It might be an odd question. So much of the problems in marriages on here seem to have lack of sex as one of the things checked off as a problem in addition to whatever else is going on. I was wondering if there were situations where the marriage had problems but the sex frequency/quality wasn't part of the problem.

If sex wasn't the problem did the marriage still eventually fail or were you able to fix the problems? Did sex cloud your decision making because enough things were bad to end the marriage but sex made it hard to see that? Is good quality sex a sign that things aren't as bad as they appear?
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post #2 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 09:06 AM
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Re: Has anyone had sex be the glue that held a poor relationship together

When I was engage, sex was the only thing that kept me there. After the honeymoon phase, she went all Mrs. Hyde on me. To my shame, I love the sex more than I did her after a while. She was a hot cheerleader and had a lot of issues. I did break the relationship after she cheated on me with her abusive ex. Sex was enough of a reward for me to stay with an angry, abusive woman. But in my defense, I was 21 at the time so my penis did all of my thinking. I can joke about it now.

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post #3 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 09:10 AM
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Re: Has anyone had sex be the glue that held a poor relationship together

At the beginning of our problems, sex wasn't an issue, it stayed the same as it was. As things progressed it actually got better, but in a strange way. The frequency became more up and down but when we did have sex, it was hotter and in some cases raunchier. We are still together but there have been more issues and more ups and downs and now sex is pretty much stagnant and infrequent, but oddly our relationship has started to improve recently.
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post #4 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 09:39 AM
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Re: Has anyone had sex be the glue that held a poor relationship together

I love sex, and I'm pretty HD, but I've never stayed in a bad relationship for the sex. But I have left relationships because the sex was bad. In my former marriage, the sex declined as the rest of the marriage deteriorated.

I generally need to feel a strong (emotional) connection with someone to have really great sex. I've had mediocre sex, and it usually was with men I didn't have a good connection with (and in those instances, I was just looking to get laid, so...).

I wouldn't punish myself with a bad relationship just for sex. There are other ways to get sex, hopefully with someone who is a better fit for you.

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post #5 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 09:41 AM
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Re: Has anyone had sex be the glue that held a poor relationship together

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When I was engage, sex was the only thing that kept me there. After the honeymoon phase, she went all Mrs. Hyde on me. To my shame, I love the sex more than I did her after a while. She was a hot cheerleader and had a lot of issues. I did break the relationship after she cheated on me with her abusive ex. Sex was enough of a reward for me to stay with an angry, abusive woman. But in my defense, I was 21 at the time so my penis did all of my thinking. I can joke about it now.
It's absolutely amazing what you will put up with when there is sex

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post #6 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 09:46 AM
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Re: Has anyone had sex be the glue that held a poor relationship together

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It's absolutely amazing what you will put up with when there is sex
it's also amazing what you will put up with even when there is no sex!
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post #7 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 09:47 AM
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Re: Has anyone had sex be the glue that held a poor relationship together

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it's also amazing what you will put up with even when there is no sex!
Story of my former marriage, bro.

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post #8 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 10:10 AM
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Re: Has anyone had sex be the glue that held a poor relationship together

I don't think any one single thing, outside of infidelity, can make or break a marriage.

I have a relatively unsatisfactory marriage that I have given up on changing (too much water under the bridge at this point) but the sex has been great and the sex is enough to make it decent enough. It is not just the sex that make my marriage decent enough but without the sex there would not be enough positives to make my marriage decent enough.

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post #9 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 11:47 AM
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Re: Has anyone had sex be the glue that held a poor relationship together

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It might be an odd question. So much of the problems in marriages on here seem to have lack of sex as one of the things checked off as a problem in addition to whatever else is going on. I was wondering if there were situations where the marriage had problems but the sex frequency/quality wasn't part of the problem.

If sex wasn't the problem did the marriage still eventually fail or were you able to fix the problems? Did sex cloud your decision making because enough things were bad to end the marriage but sex made it hard to see that? Is good quality sex a sign that things aren't as bad as they appear?
I would say that no sex, can ultimately kill a marriage.

I have been married to the same woman for about 46 years. For a while it was a sex starved marriage that entailed no sex for many many months, at other times there was frequent sex. We worked through our problems with the help of a sex therapist and lots of work and introspection on our part. Sex is a glue. The release of bonding hormones associated with sex, the effect of pheromones, etc. all help to bond two people together into a single marital unit. That is how we are designed and the design has served humanity well for thousands of years.

If nothing else is working in a marriage can sex keep two people together? Once upon a time, when marriage was about survival, yes. Today, probably not for the long term.

Part of the idea of marriage is that two people are united in front of friends and family, who are part of a broader community that is to support that union. When the two have children, then again, the community of friends and family is their to support the union/marriage.

In past history there where times where marriage was about subsistence survival. One spouse hunted while the other gathered and nursed small children. One labored in the farm fields or factory while the other labored in the house. Today, we have better safety nets, so marriage is less about survival.

Good luck.
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post #10 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Has anyone had sex be the glue that held a poor relationship together

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I would say that no sex, can ultimately kill a marriage.

I have been married to the same woman for about 46 years. For a while it was a sex starved marriage that entailed no sex for many many months, at other times there was frequent sex. We worked through our problems with the help of a sex therapist and lots of work and introspection on our part. Sex is a glue. The release of bonding hormones associated with sex, the effect of pheromones, etc. all help to bond two people together into a single marital unit. That is how we are designed and the design has served humanity well for thousands of years.

If nothing else is working in a marriage can sex keep two people together? Once upon a time, when marriage was about survival, yes. Today, probably not for the long term.

Part of the idea of marriage is that two people are united in front of friends and family, who are part of a broader community that is to support that union. When the two have children, then again, the community of friends and family is their to support the union/marriage.

In past history there where times where marriage was about subsistence survival. One spouse hunted while the other gathered and nursed small children. One labored in the farm fields or factory while the other labored in the house. Today, we have better safety nets, so marriage is less about survival.

Good luck.
Very interesting perspective- would be curious to hear more from you and your story
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post #11 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:00 PM
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Cool Re: Has anyone had sex be the glue that held a poor relationship together

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Originally Posted by bremik View Post
It might be an odd question. So much of the problems in marriages on here seem to have lack of sex as one of the things checked off as a problem in addition to whatever else is going on. I was wondering if there were situations where the marriage had problems but the sex frequency/quality wasn't part of the problem.

If sex wasn't the problem did the marriage still eventually fail or were you able to fix the problems? Did sex cloud your decision making because enough things were bad to end the marriage but sex made it hard to see that? Is good quality sex a sign that things aren't as bad as they appear?
Oh, of course not! My RSXW's and my married sex life always seemed pretty good!

That was up until the time that she and I split the sheets primarily because of the overwhelming evidence that she felt rather entitled to schedule secluded playtime with penises other than her husband's!

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Last edited by arbitrator; 03-22-2017 at 09:20 PM. Reason: Edification
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post #12 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 07:00 PM
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Re: Has anyone had sex be the glue that held a poor relationship together

When I split up with my fiancée we had been having sex every day right up until we split up.At that stage I didn't trust her and she didn't trust me but the sex was great.We got back together and within a few days we were going at it like rabbits even though I was still undecided about her long term.If there is nothing else sex may keep a relationship alive but it is not enough to sustain it.
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post #13 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 09:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Has anyone had sex be the glue that held a poor relationship together

Thanks for the replies they were all good!
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post #14 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 08:24 PM
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Re: Has anyone had sex be the glue that held a poor relationship together

In my marriage, we had a terrible dynamic about so many things, and we did ultimately divorce. However, our sex life was always stellar and it was always the one part of our relationship that never had any issues. I would say that the great sex did work as a glue for us for a long time, but eventually the other problems outweighed everything else and we had to break up. If we didn't have a great sex life, we would have broken up much sooner (or probably never got married to begin with).

We both have a lot of regret about how things turned out and wished we could have been better partners for each other. We also still acknowledge how great the sex was and even how great it would be to have it again. But we know that if we did this, we would be sucked down a sinkhole that we've already had to painfully extract ourselves out of once, and we could not bear to go through that pain all over again. In other words, I know we would never be able to "just have sex". We would immediately fall back in love with each other, and then.....like I said, just a sinkhole of pain would be awaiting us.

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post #15 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 08:50 PM
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Re: Has anyone had sex be the glue that held a poor relationship together

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So much of the problems in marriages on here seem to have lack of sex as one of the things checked off as a problem in addition to whatever else is going on.
While a lot of the relationship issues may appear to have sex as at least one factor of their troubled marriages, I dare say that sex wasn't the first thing to go and it definitely wouldn't have been the cause. For women in particular, but to some extent, men too, sex requires some kind of emotional connection to be present in order to be fulfilling.

If you don't have the good framework, it's much harder to create a solid sexual relationship with your partner. As the other pieces of the foundation dissolve, the sex tends to deteriorate with it... eventually.
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