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post #16 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 09:38 PM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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Originally Posted by stixx View Post
I think you mean abstaining otherwise he was getting it too.
Stupid spell check, fixed it.
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post #17 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 09:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

Wow everyone!! thank you for the awesome replies!!!!

I see that I could have been clearer with my writing. I didn't think our respective pasts mattered. I only needed to look at my own progress on my path. We live, we soar, we fall, we grow, we become who we are. We live to tell....

But it did matter to her. Which, to be brutally objective, is somewhat ironic given that she was the one who held out.

1. "The playful jokes were invitations from him to be honest if I am reading right (and OP can clarify)"....

The playful 'jokes' were really lighthearted responses to her subsequent sharing. Reminiscing about days gone by and eventually this stuff comes up. Whatever. Rather than stigmatize the past (stories of her partying with friends, or having one too many drinks, sneaking into bars, - kid stuff) I would listen and came to refer to these tales as 'hottie girl stories'. Aside from my wife, she is also my best friend...

2. "For whatever reason Mrs. OP felt guilty about her past to begin with and that may have been exacerbated by the OPs 2-year abstinence.

Wow keke! Spot on!! I think, and for the life of me, I don't know why this never ever occurred to me before, all those years ago she probably wasn't expecting to hear me say, "oh yeah, two years this fall," and was caught completely off guard by this. Subsequently thinking to herself that she needed to ballpark me without stopping to think, WTF, what is up with the monk lifestyle?

3."And all the little jokes about her trysts and her downplaying, that was supposed to make her feel comfortable sharing? OP's been making her feel guilty about stuff that shouldn't matter. "

keke again! yes. I mean well. I always do. Never meant to judge anyone, especially the love of my life (it was love at first sight) but sometimes my sardonic humor can get the better of me, or at least come across that way!

4. "I don't get why you not having sex when you were not committed is a big deal."

sokillme, I wasn't sure either. we are somewhat religious, but i thought that she was trying to gauge if I was gonna 'play her'...

5."Your reaction seems way over the top." - elegirl

Yes. I completely agree!! And. I. Am. Not. Sure. Why.... Yet

6. v13 - thank you!!! i think that beyond the surprise (shock) at hearing me say "almost 2 years", what I did not share at that time was the why i was on the hiatus. You are right! But what I did not say at that time was that the reason why benched myself was in part because i working on myself, partially stemming from the csa. I had come out of a relation that made the Death Star explosion look like a puff of smoke and along the way i realized that i had to work on myself.


Again, thank you so much everyone for your thoughts!!! You guys are AWESOME - way way better than therapy!!
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post #18 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 09:41 PM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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Originally Posted by EunuchMonk View Post
The interrogating about the ONS stands out to me. Spouses who are guilty of lying/infidelity in a relationship are usually paranoid that the other spouse is doing the same. It's called projection. I wonder if that is not why she interrogated you about the ONS. Maybe she is not telling you the whole truth about her last sexual encounter being only 5 months before you started dating.
After reading these stories for about a year you see a pattern. This is right where my mind would go.
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post #19 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 09:53 PM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Once again blaming the victim, so he made jokes so it's OK that she lied to him? He said he didn't care and she was the one who pushed for disclosure just to lie to him. She could have told him right there but then she would have lost the upper hand. An upper hand that he didn't even care about. He has a right to be upset about that.

I think she was being honest because she knew she would come off as at least a jerk for pushing him and then lying. Once again another person that has a lie of omission and then is upset when their spouse gets upset that they were keeping secrets.

And once again the person who is lied to comes on here is told to just shut up and get over it. Thanks that's great advice.

@EleGirl I am beginning to think that you don't really think honesty is important in a marriage as this is now the second time in a few days that you basically tell the one who has been lied to the being upset about it is over the top.

I will ask again when is it OK to lie or deliberately mislead and keep secrets from your spouse in marriage?

Another thing character doesn't often change without work. This shows some poor character.
I've revised my stance. See post #10. You are right, this whole issue started because she lied about a non-issue.
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post #20 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 09:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

Yeah. I almost forgot. We, two weeks before she last saw the ex. I drove her home and spent the night at her place. Again, I had this promise to myself to abstain for an extended period of time which cut through the nights we spent at her place. She did NOT know about my commitment at the time and I was not comfortable sharing that with anyone.

Nothing physical happened, but there was chemistry - alot of it. I was so caught up memorized by her that it never dawned on me that a part of her felt seriously rejected by my lack of 'trying'. At the same time, I could see that she was ambivalent about sleeping with me because there was no commitment between us (she is not a fan of hook ups - as far i can tell). Ever see Vanilla Sky? The part when Cruise's and Cruz's go back to her place after his party. Nothing physical happens, but it is clear that they destined for love.

Over the years, revisionism kicked in and I came to view that night as the start of our relationship. So her revelation kinda mucked that up.
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post #21 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 10:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

"Maybe she is not telling you the whole truth about her last sexual encounter being only 5 months before you started dating."

Maybe. YIKES! That would be not good. But I highly doubt it.
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post #22 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 10:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
Did you actually abstain from sex for 2 years? I never met an adult that did that. That fact tells all about your views on sex which some would call old fashioned and I would know because I am old. All kidding aside, your won dude, not worry, be happy.
Thanks! Yeah. Crazy. I keep coming back to this and that I was not honest about that with her (but how weird would that have been to try to explain that one). My motives were not as lofty as you give me credit, though. Self imposed break to work on myself unencumbered by complication. And I am happy. I just for the life of me could not figure out why the ensuing panic attack....

Thanks again!!!
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post #23 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 10:23 PM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

Look I think the bottom line is you should talk to her about not being truthful with you and see where the talk goes. It's important to be honest in a marriage. If she shuts that down then that is not a good sign. Make sure she knows you don't care about the hookup when you were not even committed, it is the lying that is an issue.
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post #24 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 11:49 AM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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Originally Posted by james5588 View Post
yesterday, my wife revealed to me that she slept with her ex 4 months before she and I officially became a couple...

.....A year later, she confessed, that 5 mos before we started dating, to having blacked out when a guy friend walked her home and to this day can't remember details but is certain they had sex.

....Yesterday, while out shopping she let slip that her previous boyfriend visited her a few days before her 'black out" story.......therefore, she was last with her ex 5 months before us, not the 12 she previously asserted.

Again, to me it didn't matter.......

But for some crazy reason, her revelation hit me like a ton of bricks and triggered a massive panic attack. I couldn't sleep, I could hardly keep food down. I ended up popping a xanax and stayed in bed the entire next day.

WHAT
THE
HELL....

She could see that I was clearly upset.;....

.....Though I had previously told her I was a victim of csa at a very early age, because I was able to heal and develop mostly normal, I heretofore had spared her the gory details. What she didn't know was that my stint as a monk was a bucket list challenge stemming from my personal healing process and how/why I was able to do that...
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Again, thank you so much everyone for your thoughts!!! You guys are AWESOME - way way better than therapy!!
I have a slightly different take on the whole thing.

(1) You are in a long term committed relationship that you value.

(2) You are upset (to the point of taking drugs to calm a panic attack) about something that happened before you and your wife were a committed couple.

(3) Your wife has been dribbling out the truth of her past in small doses, probably because she values your relationship and is afraid that blurting it all out at the beginning might have put your relationship at risk.

(4) You mentally or intellectually (but not emotionally because of panic attack) understand that "sexual things" that happened prior to your becoming a committed couple are things you should not hold against your wife.

(5) You had child sexual abuse issues and part of your self-imposed healing process was to take a temporary vow of chastity prior to becoming fully committed to the woman who became your wife.

OK, with that over with, you both have some sexual history issues that cause both of you discomfort. You can rationalize them away from your mind, but they still eat at you (plural). You probably have CSA issues that you haven't fully been able to resolve.

My suggestion is to get some professional counseling. I would normally suggest a marriage counselor, but because of the CSA, I would suggest a sex therapist. Seriously, if you have panic attacks about something your wife tells you, you need some professional help. You wife needs to better understand the dynamics of what she triggered in her confession to you that caused you to have a panic attack. I think that for both of you need to figure that out, and to accomplish that you will need a third party.

So in conclusion, a forum like this is good to use as a sounding board, but it is no substitute for real therapy.


Good luck to you.

Last edited by Young at Heart; 03-23-2017 at 12:05 PM.
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post #25 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 06:27 AM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Well, I'm not sure what to say here.

It happened before you two became an official couple. So I'm not sure why it matters. Yea, she said she disclosed and wanted you to disclose. She kept this one bit of info back because she had trouble handling it apparently.

Your reaction seems way over the top.
I disagree. Not vehemently, mind you!

From my POV, her lack of full disclsure instills a tiny amount of lack of trust.

Yes, this was all before they got together. But she was just as adamant at the start that he disclose his past history with her (and even gave him the 2nd degree). He disclosed all and left nothing out. She did.

Even that early on in the relationship, he trusted her enough to give his complete history, at her urging, and prompted by 20 questions. She did not return this favour, and left something out.

It's not so much him feeling retroactively jealous as it is him having thought they started their relationship 17 years ago based on full disclosure - something she wanted, yet hypocritically did not provide him.

Now, all these years later, he's likely wondering what else she may have left out. Even if that was the only thing, he'll never know for sure.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #26 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 07:27 AM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post

(2) You are upset (to the point of taking drugs to calm a panic attack) about something that happened before you and your wife were a committed couple.
This is the sticking point to me, and it echoes in my own past, as well.

The thing is, OP views/viewed the actual start of the relationship as being before she last slept with her ex. He's held on to this for 17 years, and it turns out that she did not view this particular day/time as the start.

That's not her fault, of course, but it's a revision of his history, nonetheless.

But everybody in a relationship has a "start date" in their minds. That one day that it became official, or you knew you loved them. Sometimes these dates don't match up with your partners... and that can suck. I had the same thing happen with my ex wife, though it didn't take 17 years to revise history (more like a month).

Hell even my current wife and I fell in love with each other at different times. She was probably a few months behind me. We were most definitely exclusive throughout it all, but I started to view our relationship as being serious earlier than she did. Not that she treated it as casual, just that it was one day at a time for a while.

In retrospect, my ex wife and I were definitely casual at the beginning, I give her that. I knew I wanted to be with her exclusively pretty much right away, but I didn't articulate that - until I did. And then she let me know she was also seeing somebody else. I didn't like it, but fair enough. At least she told me the second I made the move to make us exclusive. And she chose me, and broke it off with the other guy that same day.

But up until that point, in my own mind, my relationship with her started before all of this. A quick revision was all that was needed, and no big deal. That said, for the decade and a half that we were together, every time I looked back on when/where/how we met and started our relationship, this guy was part of it. I never held it against her, but it obviously ruined the romantic notion of it all.

But imagine if this lasted 17 years, and my (now) ex wife told me that much later on that she was seeing some other guy (or slept with someone once) during the first month or so we were seeing each other. In her mind, our relationship didn't officially start until whatever day, and that's fair enough. She wouldn't be wrong, IMO. I've never been a fan of multi-dating, but some people swear by it. It's the romantic side of me that wants to recall the beginning of a relationship as not including somebody else! Even if it's fair game, and nobody technically did anything wrong, it does still put a damper on one's memories of events, should two people end up marrying and living a long life with one another.

And even better, imagine that my ex wife insisted I disclose my own personal dating/sexual history, to which I told her everything. Yet she neglected to mention this particular instance for 17 years? Or any period of time, really.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."

Last edited by alexm; 03-24-2017 at 07:36 AM.
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post #27 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 08:04 AM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

I think as always with those things it's a about honesty here. There was something she didn't tell him and this snowballs into paranoia in his head what else she might not be telling him (even the fact that she didn't tell him everything is already enough to question why she is hiding stuff). On the face of it, yes, it's an overreaction but these things are a chain reaction.
I would probably feel the same (more the fact that I would second guess the reasons why on earth would she go through the trouble of withholding insignificant information like this). Maybe it's a guy insecurity thing.
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post #28 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 08:38 AM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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Originally Posted by EunuchMonk View Post
OP, I personally understand your reaction. This deceit understandably makes you feel insecure about your relationship because such deceit always begs the question, "what else is she lying about?" The interrogating about the ONS stands out to me. Spouses who are guilty of lying/infidelity in a relationship are usually paranoid that the other spouse is doing the same. It's called projection. I wonder if that is not why she interrogated you about the ONS. Maybe she is not telling you the whole truth about her last sexual encounter being only 5 months before you started dating.

If you two had agreed that you did not want to delve into each other's past relationships I would understand the leave-the-past-alone sentiment expressed here. From reading your post, I don't think that was the case since you told her about your CSA and all. You agreed on telling each other about that. If she didn't want to tell you about hers she should have said so instead of lying. If she thinks you will be judgemental then that points to a fundamental distrust towards you. And if she deosn't trust you to be mature about it, why is she getting into a relationship with you? Like it or not, a persons past is part of who they are. Sometimes we are ashamed of what we have done. True. But I don't agree with keeping someone in the dark about it who truly wants to know. If you don't want to tell, say so. The two of you can decide if the relationship should continue. "Can two walk together, except they be agreed?" Amos 3:3

The thing about this past doesn't matter is that it does matter. Old demons seldom ever just disappear merely because we will them to. And identifying said demons makes them easier to deal with when two people have to live together.

Also, it seems like she is trickle-truthing you. Giving you little by little until she is ready to drop the bomb on you. I have a feeling it ain't gonna be a small bomb, friend.

If you mean what you said about not wanting to hold her past against her then express it as best you can. You two are already long married so I think you should make the relationship work. Show her that she will not be condemned for things she did back then. That she is in a safe place where she can trust you to love her despite the things she has done that she is ashamed of. This is true oneness; to be fully known yet fully accepted.

Godspeed, OP.
I can understand this way of thinking. It's really not the act that is the issue, it's when it was brought up that it. Trust is one of the most important things in a marriage and if you can't trust what your wife says and have to worry constantly about small revisions to the story she originally gave, that begins to be more and more of a problem. You wondering what the real story is or if the story she told was indeed true.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #29 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:04 AM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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Originally Posted by WorkingWife View Post
What would disturb me were I in your shoes, is that she pushed for a conversation disclosing all then lied to you during the conversation she wanted to have. That's what would really freak me out and make me question everything she's said and done all the time you've been together and, yes, pop a xanax!

The fact that she slept with him 4 months (or whenever) before you were a couple is, like, so what? But the fact that she brought the subject up and then lied about it? That's just really weird. And concerning.
This.

This is something that had me scratching my head.

Why lie?

We protect ourselves from lies,
By fanatically holding to our own truths.
But when our truths turn to fanaticism,
Our truths become the Lie.
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post #30 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:51 AM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Well, I'm not sure what to say here.

It happened before you two became an official couple. So I'm not sure why it matters. Yea, she said she disclosed and wanted you to disclose. She kept this one bit of info back because she had trouble handling it apparently.

Your reaction seems way over the top.
Well I think he's reacting to the fact that she's lying sack.

She's also cruel and manipulative.

Why come out and blurt this out and tell him this, after all this time, for any other reason other than to be a mean-ass witch? Why? What is her agenda? Or is she really just a thoughtless, vacuous moron?
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