wife reveals truth after 17 years.... - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:53 AM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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Originally Posted by james5588 View Post
"Maybe she is not telling you the whole truth about her last sexual encounter being only 5 months before you started dating."

Maybe. YIKES! That would be not good. But I highly doubt it.
At this point she has lied so much that, even if she does tell him the truth, how can he tell if it's not more lying?
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post #32 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 01:40 PM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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This.

This is something that had me scratching my head.

Why lie?
Yeah. It is perplexing. If he brought the subject up, I would see why she would lie. But I don't understand why she would demand the conversation and then lie. It's troubling.

My best guess is she was feeling insecure about his past or affection for old flames and wanted to be reassured, but didn't want to come clean about her own. Or maybe she didn't know he'd been so long - 2 years - and thought "OH CRAP! Now I'm going to sound like a wanton **** if I tell the truth."

But there are some darker reasons I can come up with too, like she wanted honesty from him and never intended on giving it herself and she's been lying about all kinds of things their entire marriage...
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post #33 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

@james5588,

I understand your reaction, and in my personal opinion it's completely reasonable. As I understand it, all this happened 17+ years ago BEFORE you were a couple--so it's not marital adultery or infidelity in a "committed relationship." But what it IS, is dishonesty that has been going on for a long time.

Now, I do understand that she may have heard that you abstained from sex for two years and thought that you would judge her if she also had not abstained. I mean, it's reasonable for her to be afraid of that. But in reality, you made a decision about her and maybe even had feelings for her based on a false foundation. You were denied the opportunity to make an INFORMED decision! And to add insult to injury, at any time while dating or after all these years, as she knew you more deeply, she could have chosen to tell you about this honestly ON HER OWN, but instead she purposefully hid it. That is what is upsetting you now.

For her, all this happened 17+ years ago and she's known about it all this time--so for her it is "in the past." FOR YOU, all this happened yesterday because you did not know about it until yesterday--so for you it is "in the present."

It is conceivable that if you had had all the fact 17+ years ago, that your opinion of her may not have been the same. If you had been fully informed, you may have chosen to "not be with her" due to her lack of sexual self-control. The point is not "whether she is a **** for having slept with a guy" or not 17+ years ago. The point is that you were never given the chance TO CHOOSE whether you did or did not want that kind of person in your life with full information!!

Now for all we know, at the time you have have said "Hey it's cool. I didn't expect you to be the virgin Mary. You're a beautiful, sexual woman. I'm okay with a couple partners." But what if you found out she'd had 20 partners...or 50? What if she's been covering THAT up all this time? What she may not understand is that by covering up that one thing all this time, it makes you WONDER ABOUT all the things she's said to you up until today! Were those all lies too? How can you tell? She's willing to cover THAT up--maybe there's more she's willing to cover up.

So that is what upsets you, and it is not unreasonable for you to be somewhat upset. You were robbed of the opportunity to make a fully informed decision about your life, and you continued to be robbed for 17 years. That's not "okay with you." SHE had all the pieces of the puzzle and saw the picture the pieces all painted of her, so she withheld some of the pieces from you to paint a different picture. She has knows the picture all along--YOU just discovered the true picture!

In conclusion, I think it's reasonable for you to be upset, but I'm not positive it's something to break up the marriage over, and here's why. 17 years ago, when she was young and stupid, she made a stupid choice. She continued to "back up" her stupid decision rather than coming clean. But over the years, she did demonstrate by her actions that she has qualities and character that you like. Until you knew about this hidden puzzle piece, you liked the person/woman she is and her actions for 17 years were loving, kind, faithful...whatever. Thus, even though it is reasonable for you to be upset, and even though this is a dishonesty, there are also 17 years of demonstrated actions too. I think this is a dishonesty that COULD be dealt with if she is willing to admit she was wrong initially AND over the course of the years to keep it from you...and then willing to spend some time now to rebuild trust and that the 17 years of actions were trustworthy. For example, spend the next year being consistent with the 17 years and not with the lie in the past, and it will reinforce the 17 years, not the lie.

Make sense?

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post #34 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 05:03 PM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

I think you had a panic attack because your subconscious has realized that you are getting the mother of all trickle truths. My guess is that in another 5 or 10 or 20 or 50 years she's going to admit that she cheated on you at some point. Depends how many more little tidbits she's been keeping to herself, that will just pop out of her mouth one of these days.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #35 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 06:18 PM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

There's no right or wrong with emotions. Those who say that since you weren't officially committed you shouldn't feel this way are not really wrong, they are just being overly simplistic. I think they mean you should look at the this event rationally in an attempt to ease your emotional reaction. I'm sure you will but it might take some time for your logical mind to convince your emotional mind to chill.

As for the why you reacted this way, you said it very clearly. It's the visualization of her screwing him in the bed you two shared. All of a sudden that bed and that apartment and maybe lots of other things are not quite as special as they were. The story of your early life together just changed. That is a real loss and truly a threat to your personal history with your wife. Scary stuff to hit you all of a sudden. I'm sure you will work through all of this and the panic & anxiety brought on by this will go away.

At some point you may want to stop playing these "reveal" kind of games with your wife. Don't ask, don't tell is a wonderful policy when it comes to the lovers you both had before you became a committed couple.

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post #36 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 10:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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At some point you may want to stop playing these "reveal" kind of games with your wife. Don't ask, don't tell is a wonderful policy when it comes to the lovers you both had before you became a committed couple.
I woke up and felt crappy. My stupid mind went immediately went to that image of her, alone and then alone but with him. It really stung. It really hurt. I had no intention of thinking about this stuff ever again, but sometimes the human psyche just plain sucks. This time, I can blame the grogginess of the morning. As my mind went to her (she was already up, her side of the bed was cold, she must have been up for sometime hopefully not upset) and then back to my thoughts, I let myself feel what she must have felt that summer, how she was hurting, and realized that I am hurting over the realization of how badly I added to her pain. At the time, I thought that I was doing the right thing by not sleeping with her. I thought I was showing her that she was so much more than just sex. I thought I was merely staying true to my committment to healing and ultimately my decision to abstain.

I thought I was doing right but I now see that she felt utterly rejected worse than if we had hooked up, worse than had I played her. My actions, or lack thereof, conveyed to her that she wasn't worthy for me to literally give. a. kcuf. I can't believe that I am realizing this just now. I am sorry that I made her feel that way. I can't believe I never thought of that before...

You see, she was already in the midst of her own struggle and I guess I only added to her pain. Prior to any of this, she had gone through a horrible break-up (not my tale to tell). The kind that can truly destroy someone. She has shared with me bits and pieces over the years in a seemingly random and disjointed fashion. I just listen. Sometimes the story changes, dates, places, and even names are slightly different. But I blame that on how tricky our minds can be against life's backdrop. Yes, I know the phrase "trickle truth" is fashionable these days and may apply in some cases, but I think that the pasta sauce analogy is more applicable here (the tomato sauce heats up in the fine sauce pan, but not evenly. If not tended to just right and periodically stirred, the heat will eventually build up, boil to the top, and burst and splatters tiny shards of hot tomato shrapnel all over the stove top or even on your skin and the nice dress shirt you are wearing because you want to be a good husband and do something nice (make dinner) and be festive about it (hence the dress shirt and the light latin jazz playing the background). "Trickle truth" conveys this element of intent which implicitly convicts the sharer of deceit. That may be true in some instances. But I also think that life has its nefarious ways of triggering certain memories assigning a new significance to events which once seemed unimportant or even ridiculous. Please don't confuse the two...)

So, we had our "Vanilla Sky" nights together that summer. It was amazing: we ended up at an afterbar party, I offered to drive her home and on the way insisted that we stop and watch the sunrise. I convinced her to jump into the bay with me. Afterwards, I draped my coat over her shivering body and held her hand as we walked back to the car. We went back to her place got cleaned up, had a brief nap and then went out to brunch... In hindsight, over the years we retroactively assigned those nights (plural, the circumstances and stars aligned a second time about a month later) as 'the dawning of our love' (sorry if you don't the get the reference; sorrier if you do). At some point, we even started celebrating the day we met and so on and so forth. In doing so, we ended up padding our time together by about a year. Talk about revisionism! Worse still, I guess I took all that for granted. Maybe, in leaving the past in the past, I failed to acknowledge who she was before "us" or how she was struggling in the days when we were mere casual acquaintances. Even worse, she may not have felt as if she could open up to me about it. It's the past, right? None of it mattered. I was and am so in the present. So by the time this completely irrelevant and unnecessary bit of historical trivia boiled to the top, it upset me.

As I write this, I remember how early on in our marriage (years and years ago), she would have these nightmares that she couldn't find me, that she was trapped in her life before fate brought us together. Sometimes she would dream that it was our wedding day only to find an ex standing at the altar instead of me. She would wake up crying and be afraid to tell me about it. I would just do my best to comfort her. Just the other day she mentioned something in passing that we may have gotten married too soon. But then we immediately found ourselves in some crisis (I think our youngest son triggered some international act of war or something to that effect) and off we went, realizing that if we were any older our aging bodies would not be able to keep up with the demands of life. A few months ago, she muttered out loud that when we met, she thought she wasn't "marriage material". Maybe we weren't ready to be in a committed relationship. Maybe we had too many unresolved issues. Maybe we weren't aware ourselves of the severity of these issues. I can see that I am setting myself up for a litany of responses highlighting the dangers of bringing baggage into a marriage and the like [deep breath]...

That's crap. That would suggest that each and everyone of us is required and expected be a veritable tabula rasa and at peace with every single thing in our lives leading up to the moment of commitment. I think that, at least for me, it is the sacred and unconditional friendship in a marriage that enables us to ultimately achieve that peace. I know I have brought my fair share of life into our marriage that I was able to resolve because of, and only because of our marriage and her friendship. No therapist (and I have had some of the best), not even Freud himself, could have helped me find the strength, insight, and the peace that she can with a simple ear and compassionate hug. Plus, as much as I loved and appreciated her then, I like who she is even more now (she swears that she doesn't get this and swears that I am crazy as she holds up a picture of her younger self)...

I read and re-read every single one of your comments and want to thank you, sincerely!! Thank you!! You all had such wonderful insights. I felt that ton of bricks when I read 'drfters' comment because of how spot-on it is. Time has had its way with us: i am not who i was, our physiques are a far cry from what once was. She has felt like she has lost. Even though I tell her everyday how beautiful she is (make dinner, surprise her with flowers and candies, play her favorite Joo Gilberto songs and even recite Pablo Naruda to her in his native spanish), she feels like life has slipped us by. I think it started innocently enough, silly stories of who we were, first reminiscences as a couple which devolved into stories about us as individuals. I made a joke about how I once drove two hottie cheerleaders home, in my two seater sports car (anyone remember that scene in batman when bruce's friends go swimming in the fountain?). She'd make fun of me for being a has-been. I'd make fun of her for growing up over-protected and sheltered. I'd feign a genuine tension when she told me about something silly from her days (sometimes the tension was not so fake). I just wanted her to see that I was still putty in her hands. Aside from our general decline, she has been on medications that have eviscerated her libido and she absolutely hates it. We're living like celibate roommates but are passionately in love!!!! I remember as a kid the day I realized my parents sat on opposite ends of the sofa when watching TV. Dad with his smokes and mom in her red sweatsuit. Mom recently passed away and dad just now realizes what he had taken for granted for a lifetime. I think I was just desperate, trying to find someway to playfully show her that spark will always be there between us.


I worked late last night and afterwards stopped off at some swanky bar and had a few. I expected her to be asleep when I got home, but she was up, waiting for me and playfully called me out on how much I spent and where. I told her that even though I didn't completely understand why I reacted the way I did and that it hurt more than I could have ever imagined, that he could be hiding in under our bed at that very moment and I would still adore her...

We talked. She shared with me that a few weeks after the "Vanilla Sky" night, her ex came to see her and asked her to leave with him to DC (dream job or something). Apparently, she told him about me and about us and how she was planning to move closer to me. He was furious. They ended up spending the night together. I didn't ask any questions.

There is a little more, but right now it doesn't seem important and i ahve already taken up way too much of your time.
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post #37 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 10:40 PM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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Thanks! Yeah. Crazy. I keep coming back to this and that I was not honest about that with her (but how weird would that have been to try to explain that one). My motives were not as lofty as you give me credit, though. Self imposed break to work on myself unencumbered by complication. And I am happy. I just for the life of me could not figure out why the ensuing panic attack....

Thanks again!!!
It seems like you have a really good relationship with your wife, so maybe this lack of full disclosure really just threw you off. I understand why you were upset, but she explained why, and it's not like she cheated on you. I'd have a different response, if she had come out telling you she cheated when you were dating. Anyway, don't let it ruin your good marriage.

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post #38 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 02:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

Talked about it and did not go as well as I had hoped...

She wanted to know why I was so upset and needed the xanax that day. I mentioned that I was hurt over the deceit and that it kinda rocked some of the beliefs I came to have about our early relationship (experiencing love at first sight, subsequent related conversations which occurred well into our marriage, and other oddities). I pointed out that my feelings had little to do with her choices as a single woman but rather with her double standard when it came to demanding disclosure and the subsequent lies to cover it up. I did want to mention that I also could not help but wonder what else is out there, but something told me to hold off on that one.

She became defensive, accused me of judging her, threw out something dumb I had done before she and I were together, and pointed out details of my cs abuse I recently shared with her. In the course of explaining what she branded an oversight, "I just forgot about it. It didn't mean anything", she gave me this well thought out argument about how early on she couldn't take any chances at jeopardizing our chances at a lasting relationship. That it was embarrassing to her. Did I have any idea how intimidating it was for her to become a part of my life. That it wasn't my business anyway. She did apologize. But it was for insisting I disclose all those years ago...

Aside from the contradictions, what broke my heart is that I also thought we were supposed to comfort each other. I would think that after all this time, she could have enough faith in me to see past stupid silly games from years ago, to see past her fears, and let me be the one to comfort her. All those years ago, I thought that the purpose of disclosing was to open-up to each other, to trust one another with each other, and just bare it all. I remember thinking it was different, but decided to trust and go with it. Instead, I now see that it was the exact opposite: it was a pat-down predicated on a lack of trust...

Again, heartbroken.

Then my head was flooded with memories of countless lies she has told me over the years which stem from this one omission. Stuff that she offered up unsolicited. Stuff that had nothing to do with anything except to propagate something which never even mattered in the first place. Stuff that didn't add up nor make sense but that I never bothered to question...

I made an appointment to see a respected therapist in town. I somehow managed to get a cancellation opening in 2.5 weeks. Otherwise, they are booking out to May around here. In the meantime, I will try to put this out of my head until then. Stay in the present. I don't see anything good from talking about it with her any further.

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post #39 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 06:06 AM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

Don't try to argue logically with an emotionally armed person. They'll rationalize like crazy and bury you with words. Keep what you say to simple phases. "I'm not OK with that", etc.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #40 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:25 AM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

You are being weak. Your wife does not react well to weak. She is not unusual, many wives don't. You wish she could be your source of comfort when you are hurting. Sorry, she can't and won't. You did not marry that kind of woman. You are supposed to be her rock. She gets comfort from you, not the other way around. I don't think talking to her is going to help. I think, in fact, it will make things worse.

You need to act. I can't tell you what to do. You need to find a way to deal with your feelings. Maybe you need to run until you collapse in exhaustion. Maybe you need to go to the gym and hit the heavy bag until your knuckles are raw. Maybe you need to have lots of rough sex with her and "reclaim your territory".

Maybe you need to go for some IC to work through your feelings. But your wife has made it clear she will not react well if you try to use her as your IC for this. So find another coping mechanism.

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post #41 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 11:47 AM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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....Maybe we had too many unresolved issues.......

......I think that, at least for me, it is the sacred and unconditional friendship in a marriage that enables us to ultimately achieve that peace....

....No therapist (and I have had some of the best), not even Freud himself, could have helped me find the strength, insight, and the peace that she can with a simple ear and compassionate hug. Plus, as much as I loved and appreciated her then, I like who she is even more now (she swears that she doesn't get this and swears that I am crazy as she holds up a picture of her younger self)....
I would strongly suggest that perhaps you might want to read some of the books by David Schnarch. He views marriage as on of the hardest things that two people can do if done correctly.

He basis this on the fact that two people constantly grow, mature and change over time and yet through marriage they are bound together. That means that they are constantly pushing and pulling at each other emotionally through the entire marriage. People should grow and mature with time and they do that at different rates that are not constant nor predictable.

To have a happy, passionate marriage requires one to be able to "self-soothe" their own fears to the point that they can interact with their spouse and try things that their spouse wants and needs that are outside of your own personal comfort zone.

So rather than the unconditional friendship of your spouse it is developing your own coping mechanisms that allow you to overcome your own fears, which is the glue that helps hold your marriage together. That is just another perspective you might consider.

Good luck.
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post #42 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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You are being weak. Your wife does not react well to weak. She is not unusual, many wives don't. You wish she could be your source of comfort when you are hurting. Sorry, she can't and won't. You did not marry that kind of woman. You are supposed to be her rock. She gets comfort from you, not the other way around. I don't think talking to her is going to help. I think, in fact, it will make things worse.

You need to act. I can't tell you what to do. You need to find a way to deal with your feelings. Maybe you need to run until you collapse in exhaustion. Maybe you need to go to the gym and hit the heavy bag until your knuckles are raw. Maybe you need to have lots of rough sex with her and "reclaim your territory".

Maybe you need to go for some IC to work through your feelings. But your wife has made it clear she will not react well if you try to use her as your IC for this. So find another coping mechanism.
****!! I do sound whiny!! I am so much better than this in person. And yeah. Already did the things on your checklist (and then some).

My problem is that when **** hits the fan, I become focused and go completely numb. She sees it too. Telling me how wonderful I am. Telling me how great of a husband I am, how much she loves me...

I go numb and my mind goes analytical:

1. how after we first got married she used to go to the gym for 5 hours a day. got in awesome shape. then stopped, decided she hated living where we lived and so we moved 3 states over

2. that time she spent a week at her single sister's place in the coast

3. how she cut off ties with her friends from college after we started dating...

4. how her idiot dad casually mentioned twice the very ex in this narrative to me when we brought her parents to meet my parents and went out for dinner

5. there is that douchbag professor back when we were in college who if for some God forsaken reason comes up in conversion of the good ole days, she seems to have a little too much animosity towards

6. how those "long time no see" emails ex sent her (10 years ago) apparently now were "i'm in town, we should get together" crap

And I don't feel a thing right now. Crazy part is that my 'problems' feel dumb and more akin to paranoia. College sophomores seem to do a better job of handling such lies than me at the present. Pathetic when I find myself connecting with 'sig eps' while people here are dealing with serious life changing stuff...

So yeah, lots of long hard runs in the rain with NIN mp3's on a continuous loop.

-Withdrawn and regressing

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post #43 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:59 AM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

I would be pissed about the lies.

I'm pretty hard core and if I fell in love, wouldn't allow a woman's past to interfere with our future as long as she had left everything in her past and was loyal 100% to me.

She could have been a pornstar, prostitute or college gang bang queen as long as she was done being that person and, here is the sticking point, ABSOLUTELY HONEST AND TRUTHFUL!

What gets me about your wife is that she is a liar and manipulator.

She lied to you because she wanted to manipulate your opinion of her so you would stay with her.

That speaks to character traits that I find cheap and u unattractive.

You thought she was honest with you for 17 years and have now found out she was something other than what you have grown to trust.

It would shake me up too.

Better late than never.... I guess...
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post #44 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:37 AM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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****!! I do sound whiny!! I am so much better than this in person. And yeah. Already did the things on your checklist (and then some).

My problem is that when **** hits the fan, I become focused and go completely numb. She sees it too. Telling me how wonderful I am. Telling me how great of a husband I am, how much she loves me...

I go numb and my mind goes analytical:

1. how after we first got married she used to go to the gym for 5 hours a day. got in awesome shape. then stopped, decided she hated living where we lived and so we moved 3 states over

2. that time she spent a week at her single sister's place in the coast

3. how she cut off ties with her friends from college after we started dating...

4. how her idiot dad casually mentioned twice the very ex in this narrative to me when we brought her parents to meet my parents and went out for dinner

5. there is that douchbag professor back when we were in college who if for some God forsaken reason comes up in conversion of the good ole days, she seems to have a little too much animosity towards

6. how those "long time no see" emails ex sent her (10 years ago) apparently now were "i'm in town, we should get together" crap

And I don't feel a thing right now. Crazy part is that my 'problems' feel dumb and more akin to paranoia. College sophomores seem to do a better job of handling such lies than me at the present. Pathetic when I find myself connecting with 'sig eps' while people here are dealing with serious life changing stuff...

So yeah, lots of long hard runs in the rain with NIN mp3's on a continuous loop.

-Withdrawn and regressing
This post is one of your' more "revealing" ones.

You have doubts about her, she has doubts about you. This is pure mid-life crisis....stuff.

Her telling you....out of the blue?....about her sexual exploits before marriage?

She is sabotaging the marriage. She is blurting out things...for what reason?

She has resentment for you. Big resentment. Saying that her medicine is the cause for her lowered libido? This is a lie. Yes, she feels some guilt over her lack of interest in sex.

She is repressing her true feelings of resentment of you. She wishes her life were different.

Her biggest "unspoken" reason for her resentment and feelings of despair?

The fact that you are low desire. From the get-go she wanted a physically passionate man. She wanted a lustful husband.

Not a man who abstained for two years. The is the area where you are most incompatible. She is a Latin romantic. Hot, lusty, desirous of a man who can dominate her sensual side.

The fact that she stuck with you, did not leave you, shows that you have other qualities that she likes.

Again, this is a compatibility issues between you two.

She stopped working out and looking good early in your marriage because she was had given up on you being a that man who would appreciate her beautiful body. She wanted to be sexually taken. She still does. She saw the looks and reactions that she got from other men...when she was fit and hot. But she knew that to act on those desires of being taken [and passionately made love to] would kill her marriage. She gave up. She gave up on you changing. She started to resent you and started to resent her choice in husbands.

The Vanilla Sky led to vanilla sex and she has hated it ever since. She is a passionate lady. Very much into passionate and spontaneous love making.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.

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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

SunC, I think the opposite could be true, too. OP has a history of CSA, which makes him dysfunctional in some ways. That's not a slam. We are all dysfunctional in some way, and this is part of his. People tend to pair up with someone of similar level of dysfunction, though the dysfunctions may be quite different. In a reverse scenario we see the Nice Guy pair up with the woman CSA victim. That's what I did.

Why would Mrs. J5588 pair up with him? They had a very asexual beginning to their relationship. This is an unusual pairing for a sexually active woman. Furthermore, J5588 tells us she says she thought she was not marriage material at the time. That shows a low self esteem. I think there is a lot more there with the wife than we know of. And I think resentment isn't part of what is going on. At least not about their sex life. She knew she wasn't marrying a high drive womanizer.

Before I add more, I'll put in here that the events she has told about concerning her sexual history prior to their romantic relationship are inconsequential. She had a ONS with her exBF prior to the romantic relationship but not as many months prior as she originally stated. That is not something which should be triggering in terms of the sex. She had revealed the relationship with exBF already.

The apparent lie is important. And why would she have lied about it? Those things really are not a big deal she lied about. I think this indicates some kind of dysfunction in her. Her misrepresentation of her past has been a continuous habit. Yet it seems contradictory that she would intermittently blurt out information about her past sexual relationships during the marriage. That can be a pretty callous thing to do.

Something just doesn't add up to me with this. I don't think her behavior is a contempt for OP. My xw did a lot of the same things Mrs J5588 has done. It makes me uncomfortable for some reason. It turns out I was justified in wondering "what else don't I know about", but in OP's case I'm not sure that is so. Regardless, she is showing deceptive behavior about her past, and always has. I think she has some dysfunction going on, for whatever unknown reason. It has and is causing marital problems.

To me this is something needing professional MC. OP doesn't need to "just get over it", at least not the apparent deceptions. As far as his wife's prior history, that isn't something to obsess over. He already knew about the general facts. I can understand some discomfort learning additional facts. There's something deeper, though, which needs to be talked out. Her behavior shows some dysfunctional thought processes.
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