wife reveals truth after 17 years.... - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:29 PM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

Once you realize your spouse never found you attractive, but married you for other reasons, it hurts.

Over time, the "other reasons" may fade. The kids grow up and move out so being a good co-parent is not as important. Career progress stalls and you aren't earning as much as they expected. Whatever. This tends to trigger resentment that they are married to someone they don't find attractive and they are not getting enough other benefits to make the "trade" worth it.

Or, as @SunCMars said, they get to mid-life and realize "wait, I am never going to be married to someone I am hot for? I am never going to have hot sweaty passionate sex with my spouse?"

For past generations, once you got the last kid out of the house, life expectancy was short enough that it wasn't worth divorcing. Now, with 30 years to live after the kids leave home, there is plenty of time for another relationship and the thought of spending decades with someone you aren't hot for seems like endless torture.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #47 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:17 PM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

I think you guys need some marriage counseling. Maybe she doesn't get how she hurt you or worse she doesn't care. I think a third party that can help you communicate can help you.
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post #48 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:58 PM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

what i find most interesting is that there seems to be this belief that if one of the partners holds back information for decades (or there about) and then finally tells the truth that it should not be a big deal because it happen in the past, so long ago that it should not matter except for the fact that the spouse holding the secret feels a weight off their shoulders and the person hearing the truth for the first time should just suck it up. That argument does not fly with me, and certainly it should not with the person who has to live with this fresh bit of news. In essence what it does display is that the holder of the secret is a weasel plain and simple and on both counts, first for holding back the information and second for expecting nothing to change...a weasel is a weasel, and speaks volumes about their character...and if you feel that is not the case i invite you to plead your counter argument.
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post #49 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:15 PM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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Originally Posted by Lostinthought61 View Post
what i find most interesting is that there seems to be this belief that if one of the partners holds back information for decades (or there about) and then finally tells the truth that it should not be a big deal because it happen in the past, so long ago that it should not matter except for the fact that the spouse holding the secret feels a weight off their shoulders and the person hearing the truth for the first time should just suck it up. That argument does not fly with me, and certainly it should not with the person who has to live with this fresh bit of news. In essence what it does display is that the holder of the secret is a weasel plain and simple and on both counts, first for holding back the information and second for expecting nothing to change...a weasel is a weasel, and speaks volumes about their character...and if you feel that is not the case i invite you to plead your counter argument.
Plus how many lies do you have to tell in those years to keep the secret. The longer the secret is kept the more chances for lies.

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post #50 of 71 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 07:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

The past is the past. I get that to some it matters. It is a glimpse into someone's character and even a sample of who they will be later in life. A part of me even admits that there may even be some truth to this - in some cases where people are unable to evolve or refuse to change or even adapt. Yeah, who they were is who they will always be.

But here's the kicker. You can't really know this upfront. You get to this only after you have invested some serious time with someone.

So me personally, this ordeal just re-validated for me that I have always been one those guys who doesn't care about a person's past even in the most general sense, because I fundamentally believe in person's ability to grow/evolve/adapt/change... Get too caught up in being rigid or afraid about someone's past, and you might miss the best thing to ever happen to you (and this assuming that a person's past is objectively "wrong" in the first place which is not always the case).

People can change. Most people do. So, to my way of seeing the world, the past can be pretty meaningless almost like reading a very detailed book about someone else altogether.

And that is why this is pissing me off so ****ing much: now all of a sudden and without warning, all that stupid crap that never mattered before, that I never worried about (even embraced to a certain extent), that I initially didn't even think to think about because that is just not how i am wired, is a perfect way to measure this large pile of little lies sitting under my bed all along. So now in that sense, the stupid past-matters-because-it-tells-me-about-you suddenly IS the right answer here not because of what silly past actions say about her, but what the extent of her deceit can tell me about the truth - our truth dating back to day 1, 17 effing years ago...

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post #51 of 71 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 09:29 AM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

james5588,

I find your insight and keyboard calmness inspiring and reassuring. I am going through something with my wife that has similar circumstances and I wanted you to know, a brother from another mother is sending you love where ever you are on planet earth
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post #52 of 71 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 06:06 PM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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Originally Posted by james5588 View Post

And that is why this is pissing me off so ****ing much: now all of a sudden and without warning, all that stupid crap that never mattered before, that I never worried about (even embraced to a certain extent), that I initially didn't even think to think about because that is just not how i am wired, is a perfect way to measure this large pile of little lies sitting under my bed all along. So now in that sense, the stupid past-matters-because-it-tells-me-about-you suddenly IS the right answer here not because of what silly past actions say about her, but what the extent of her deceit can tell me about the truth - our truth dating back to day 1, 17 effing years ago...
Have you asked her WHY she brought the subject up all those years ago and then WHY she lied about it? What did she say?
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post #53 of 71 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 01:35 PM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Well I think he's reacting to the fact that she's lying sack.

She's also cruel and manipulative.

Why come out and blurt this out and tell him this, after all this time, for any other reason other than to be a mean-ass witch? Why? What is her agenda? Or is she really just a thoughtless, vacuous moron?
Vacuous moron.

Good choice of words............... Buster!

In some people and in our brain chemistry there are forces [mental prods, mental pitch forks] that impel us to blurt out the most inappropriate babble.

Unconscious thoughts that burst out of the brains gray-peat-bog and jab another fellow traveler, within earshot.

Tourettes Syndrome light. Petite Mal-practice.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #54 of 71 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 01:47 PM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

@james5588
Quote:
Over the years she has made unsolicited little comments determined to down play her past. Again, I know her and I understand human nature well enough to see through it, but being absolutely in love with her, I always played along.
I suspect "your" words [spoken at that moment] triggered her to say these things. Your words, or maybe hearing something on the TV or radio, a picture, billboard. She is likely an imaginative women, lives in a mild haze or fantasy, thinks about sex a lot, and is now, readily triggered. Hormonally charged, she is. The lady has a hair trigger. A curly hair trigger!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #55 of 71 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 06:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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Originally Posted by dutiful View Post
james5588,

I find your insight and keyboard calmness inspiring and reassuring. I am going through something with my wife that has similar circumstances and I wanted you to know, a brother from another mother is sending you love where ever you are on planet earth
Fight the good fight / shoulder to shoulder!!!!


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Have you asked her WHY she brought the subject up all those years ago and then WHY she lied about it? What did she say?
I did in fact. She had a lot to say about it...

She brought it up because she wanted a shortcut to knowing what kind of a man I am (my comment earlier about... “But here's the kicker... You get to this only after you have invested some serious time with someone.” was dead on.) She didn't want to wait but she didn't want to let me pass her by and she also didn't want to be vulnerable either. So she thought that a good measure of character was to (oh the effing irony).... ask about my past.

But yet again everything is context... I remember thinking it was a bit odd, but I absolutely adored how fearless and forward she was about it. I could see that she had strong feelings for me and yet also scared of getting hurt. I later found out that she had casually asked my friend about me. I guess he told her that I was still in love with my soon to be ex (divorcing) and was it was a matter of time before I worked things out with her and that in the meantime, I was having fun. Also found out that he himself had a huge crush on her through out all of this and made his intent to date her very clear to her. Long before me, he tried to kiss her (I can't believe I am even mentioning this). She immediately put him in the 'friend' pile. Whether or not he actually believed what he told her or not, I will never know and I never really cared.

I saw her 'inquiry' as an opportunity for a confessional of sorts: nothing to hide translates into nothing to fear. I was by no means perfect: I had been married (technically still married at the time) and had a past of my own... But when she asked, I quickly decided it was a chance to open up to her and put myself out there for her. She initially saw it as a valid frisk. The other part was that I had been dealing with issues stemming from CSA which I felt must have contributed to my failed 'marriage' (fyi – it didn't). So I wanted a to be sure of myself before going back out there again...

Writing this (going back there, thinking about those days, my fears, my hopes...) made me realize something that never even occurred to me before:

The fact that my answer was “2 years” was totally consistent with the belief that I was trying to reconcile with my ex... that I was biding my time. Now my friend telling her I was just “having fun” would lead one to conclude that I would play her; add to that my answer (“2 years”), and yeah, I can see why someone would think to themselves “he really is waiting to get back with his ex”.

I never ever realized this before...

kcuf, I had more red flags on me than a construction site. I accepted that I was not the typical guy on the scene, but to see it from the other side really changes things.

I can see that the “smart” thing for her would have been to not take the chance and walk away....

But INSTEAD, she saw my answer as a tell tale of self-control, discipline, and virtue. Kinda funny really. For those in the “don't judge” camp, it's clear you can misjudge someone down for their past, but this shows that it's possible to mis-judge someone “up”. Just the other day, I did something that she thought was pretty cool and she lamented that she was envious of my self-discipline. I've also been keeping a rant list (not so much a journal, but just a list of phrases that trigger intense thoughts and feelings) and realized that I jotted down “admires my focus” a few days ago. So yeah, this is really making much more sense.

So she saw my answer as a tell tale of some type of 'superior' person. This is where the conversation goes beyond messed up... She had me on a pedestal, even before this, and that answer sealed it for her and hit that spot that still clung to the idea that pre-marital is bad. When she was a kid, her folks found out her older sister had sex. Rather than the nice talk that good dads will give about “we love you”, “were you safe”, “please take good care of yourself”,

her
dad
completely
tore
them
down

Mind you, it was her sister, not even her. Long story short, my answer triggered her dad's messed up view that only good people don't have sex outside of marriage (even failed marriages count I guess), that she wanted me to admire her the way she had been raised to admire me; finally how, by this crazy line of thinking, I could enjoy myself while not destroy myself.

In that split second she had to respond, she thought of all this and panicked.

This was why she brought it up only to feel like she had to lie all those years ago.

Just this morning, she woke up very upset. She had a nightmare. When I asked her if she wanted to talk about it she said that it would only make me mad...

I felt like the biggest loser.

At this point I see that although this is great, the important questions are “why propagate the lie all this time / why not just come clean years ago” (this one seems kinda obvious though), and then the big one that is literally keeping me up at night “what else is there / what else have you lied (omitted) to me about?”. At one point, she even asked me point blank what would I like to know. I stalled. I was totally not prepared for that. But by now, I think I have thought this one through: read other's stories here, read more Cosmo thatn any guy should subject himself to in 5 lifetimes, even reread the sun also rises (did I mention I am not sleeping much). The answer to that second question is beyond crazy... Because the real issue isn't “what will she say”, it's “how will I respond”. I realized my head is subconsciously playing through all these insane scenarios and then coming up with what seems like the correct hypothetical response – like how the military has planned responses and contingencies for every eventuality out there, but this is all happening in my head.

And I think that is why I had that panic attack. I was trying to process and pre-emptively prepare for every variation and nuance of the unknown (what if this lie is just the tip, what if she has cheated, what if she wanted to cheat but didn't, can i even afford a good lawyer, can i forgive her for [enter action here], would it be pathetic of me to do so, do i hunt the sob down and kick some ass, what about the children, will i ever trust her again if it turns out that she actually [enter possible action here], am I onw of those guys who is supposed to double or triple her stated number to better approx the truth, and it goes on and on...)...

That aside, I now see that just because I may be ready to hear the whole truth, that does not mean that she is ready to share it or even ought to...

Do I even have the right to ask? Is it even advisable?

Last edited by james5588; 04-02-2017 at 08:04 PM.
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post #56 of 71 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 12:30 AM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

Her dad may have gone after her sister and not her, but she witnessed it and processed it. Sometimes I think the impact may be stronger on the sibling than the child in the middle of the storm.

I would ask yourself this: If none of this had come up, how is your marriage today? If you feel like it is solid and your love for each other is strong today, then I would ask youself - do you want to know the whole truth, or maybe, can you handle knowing the whole truth, understanding whatever happened or didn't happen, happened long ago and you have both grown and evolved since then. If she tells you the worst possible thing - she did cheat on you long ago and it kills her - would you be able/willing to take that in and love her for who she is today, who the two of you are today, warts and all. Or would it ruin everything for you?

If you decide you can honestly take that in/on, you might tell her that you love her no matter what for who you are today and you don't want secrets between you. If she has a lingering secret, you may end up much closer if you let her unburden herself safely.

If you can't accept "the worst" (she cheated) but you want to be together, you might tell her that as far as you are concerned, the past is a clean slate for both of you (if you can do that) and she has a free pass, no matter what she did back then, but you you don't want to be subjected to hearing about it. That's only if you honestly feel that way.

I'm sorry, it's been awhile since I read your whole thread, but if you are not concerned about her cheating or her honesty with you today, I personally would not blow up my life and marriage over something she may have done before you were even really a couple.

You also might ask yourself why she is afraid to tell you what she dreamed. There are different opinions on how much to tell your spouse. There are some things I have learned that my spouse simply does not want to hear - like anything about my ex husband. He'd rather pretend he did not exist. So I try not to bring him up. On the other hand, there is something to be said for being a safe harbor for you spouse. If you spouse is afraid to tell you a thought or idea because "it will make you mad" - you might want to ask yourself how judgmental you are in general. That puts a wedge between you if she can't turn to you.

If you don't sense the deceit from years ago is part of a larger pattern, I would either become the person she can turn to or let sleeping dogs lie. If there is nothing nefarious going on today, no sense blowing your whole life up over something regrettable she may have done 20 years ago...






Quote:
Originally Posted by james5588 View Post
Fight the good fight / shoulder to shoulder!!!!

I did in fact. She had a lot to say about it...

She brought it up because she wanted a shortcut to knowing what kind of a man I am (my comment earlier about... “But here's the kicker... You get to this only after you have invested some serious time with someone.” was dead on.) She didn't want to wait but she didn't want to let me pass her by and she also didn't want to be vulnerable either. So she thought that a good measure of character was to (oh the effing irony).... ask about my past.

But yet again everything is context... I remember thinking it was a bit odd, but I absolutely adored how fearless and forward she was about it. I could see that she had strong feelings for me and yet also scared of getting hurt. I later found out that she had casually asked my friend about me. I guess he told her that I was still in love with my soon to be ex (divorcing) and was it was a matter of time before I worked things out with her and that in the meantime, I was having fun. Also found out that he himself had a huge crush on her through out all of this and made his intent to date her very clear to her. Long before me, he tried to kiss her (I can't believe I am even mentioning this). She immediately put him in the 'friend' pile. Whether or not he actually believed what he told her or not, I will never know and I never really cared.

I saw her 'inquiry' as an opportunity for a confessional of sorts: nothing to hide translates into nothing to fear. I was by no means perfect: I had been married (technically still married at the time) and had a past of my own... But when she asked, I quickly decided it was a chance to open up to her and put myself out there for her. She initially saw it as a valid frisk. The other part was that I had been dealing with issues stemming from CSA which I felt must have contributed to my failed 'marriage' (fyi – it didn't). So I wanted a to be sure of myself before going back out there again...

Writing this (going back there, thinking about those days, my fears, my hopes...) made me realize something that never even occurred to me before:

The fact that my answer was “2 years” was totally consistent with the belief that I was trying to reconcile with my ex... that I was biding my time. Now my friend telling her I was just “having fun” would lead one to conclude that I would play her; add to that my answer (“2 years”), and yeah, I can see why someone would think to themselves “he really is waiting to get back with his ex”.

I never ever realized this before...

kcuf, I had more red flags on me than a construction site. I accepted that I was not the typical guy on the scene, but to see it from the other side really changes things.

I can see that the “smart” thing for her would have been to not take the chance and walk away....

But INSTEAD, she saw my answer as a tell tale of self-control, discipline, and virtue. Kinda funny really. For those in the “don't judge” camp, it's clear you can misjudge someone down for their past, but this shows that it's possible to mis-judge someone “up”. Just the other day, I did something that she thought was pretty cool and she lamented that she was envious of my self-discipline. I've also been keeping a rant list (not so much a journal, but just a list of phrases that trigger intense thoughts and feelings) and realized that I jotted down “admires my focus” a few days ago. So yeah, this is really making much more sense.

So she saw my answer as a tell tale of some type of 'superior' person. This is where the conversation goes beyond messed up... She had me on a pedestal, even before this, and that answer sealed it for her and hit that spot that still clung to the idea that pre-marital is bad. When she was a kid, her folks found out her older sister had sex. Rather than the nice talk that good dads will give about “we love you”, “were you safe”, “please take good care of yourself”,

her
dad
completely
tore
them
down

Mind you, it was her sister, not even her. Long story short, my answer triggered her dad's messed up view that only good people don't have sex outside of marriage (even failed marriages count I guess), that she wanted me to admire her the way she had been raised to admire me; finally how, by this crazy line of thinking, I could enjoy myself while not destroy myself.

In that split second she had to respond, she thought of all this and panicked.

This was why she brought it up only to feel like she had to lie all those years ago.

Just this morning, she woke up very upset. She had a nightmare. When I asked her if she wanted to talk about it she said that it would only make me mad...

I felt like the biggest loser.

At this point I see that although this is great, the important questions are “why propagate the lie all this time / why not just come clean years ago” (this one seems kinda obvious though), and then the big one that is literally keeping me up at night “what else is there / what else have you lied (omitted) to me about?”. At one point, she even asked me point blank what would I like to know. I stalled. I was totally not prepared for that. But by now, I think I have thought this one through: read other's stories here, read more Cosmo thatn any guy should subject himself to in 5 lifetimes, even reread the sun also rises (did I mention I am not sleeping much). The answer to that second question is beyond crazy... Because the real issue isn't “what will she say”, it's “how will I respond”. I realized my head is subconsciously playing through all these insane scenarios and then coming up with what seems like the correct hypothetical response – like how the military has planned responses and contingencies for every eventuality out there, but this is all happening in my head.

And I think that is why I had that panic attack. I was trying to process and pre-emptively prepare for every variation and nuance of the unknown (what if this lie is just the tip, what if she has cheated, what if she wanted to cheat but didn't, can i even afford a good lawyer, can i forgive her for [enter action here], would it be pathetic of me to do so, do i hunt the sob down and kick some ass, what about the children, will i ever trust her again if it turns out that she actually [enter possible action here], am I onw of those guys who is supposed to double or triple her stated number to better approx the truth, and it goes on and on...)...

That aside, I now see that just because I may be ready to hear the whole truth, that does not mean that she is ready to share it or even ought to...

Do I even have the right to ask? Is it even advisable?
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post #57 of 71 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 12:32 AM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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Originally Posted by james5588 View Post
That aside, I now see that just because I may be ready to hear the whole truth, that does not mean that she is ready to share it or even ought to...

Do I even have the right to ask? Is it even advisable?
That is something I struggled with. What I decided was that it wasn't the content which was so important (though it was somewhat important), the bigger goal was to re-establish a sense of being able to trust her. In order to do that I would need to know that there was nothing else out there I didn't know about. At least nothing which to me was potentially important. I needed to figure out what else she had lied about, minimized, or omitted. The antidote therefore was for her to give me full answers to all of my questions. Because of the nature of her old lies, I knew she was capable of committing deceptions to benefit her while being to my detriment. I wanted to believe she was no longer of that belief system.

Of course she never agreed to answer any uncomfortable questions. Instead she tried to shame me and avoid any such discussions. It became obvious that getting all the truth was not going to happen. She made a few undefinable statements and then shut off all further conversation on pain of divorce.

The content would be important as it would show just how much she had lied to me. I don't think there was anything which would have caused me to leave the marriage, but it was possible she'd reveal something that bad (harmed a child, etc). There was a risk of finding out something bad I would wish I didn't know. Certainly I might have ended up seeing her differently even though nothing terrible was there. However, I knew enough to know that the truth was not what I had been given, and the bits of the puzzle I'd found were enough to know I would not have married her had I known accurately about her past. Having the conversations would have been a test of her, too, proving she could prioritize the marriage over her own temporary discomfort.

As it turns out, her past did predict the marital problems and divorce.

So it is a balancing act for you. I think you need to ask about things so that you can feel secure that she is no longer willfully hiding things from you. You may need to feel that you know the real her, which means having some information. But there is no benefit to knowing things which may cause you distress yet not further the goals.

Last edited by Thor; 04-03-2017 at 12:41 AM.
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post #58 of 71 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 01:17 AM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

You're entitled to truth in your marriage from your spouse. Not lies. It's pretty simple. Like marriage 101. If you are questioning whether you are entitled to it then something is very off. If you are afraid to ask something is very off. If they shame you for wanting the truth when it concerns your relationship then they are abusing you. Again pretty simple.

Last edited by sokillme; 04-03-2017 at 08:37 AM.
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post #59 of 71 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 06:47 AM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

Quote:
Originally Posted by james5588 View Post
But INSTEAD, she saw my answer as a tell tale of self-control, discipline, and virtue. Kinda funny really. For those in the “don't judge” camp, it's clear you can misjudge someone down for their past, but this shows that it's possible to mis-judge someone “up”. Just the other day, I did something that she thought was pretty cool and she lamented that she was envious of my self-discipline. I've also been keeping a rant list (not so much a journal, but just a list of phrases that trigger intense thoughts and feelings) and realized that I jotted down “admires my focus” a few days ago. So yeah, this is really making much more sense.

So she saw my answer as a tell tale of some type of 'superior' person. This is where the conversation goes beyond messed up... She had me on a pedestal, even before this, and that answer sealed it for her and hit that spot that still clung to the idea that pre-marital is bad.
My wife did a very similar thing when we started dating, and for similar reasons, I believe.

I had been with the same person for nearly 14 years, single (and celibate) for a few months before I started seeing her, and really hadn't had any sex for 4-5 months at that point.

She had been out of an LTR for a while by that time, but she fudged the numbers a little bit, and said it had been a year (both since being in a relationship and having sex). Turned out it had been closer to 6 or 7 months (which is still a long time, lol!)

But the reality is, she started dating a guy (me) who had been with one person for 14 years. While she had been with numerous men over that same time frame. So she felt like she had to downplay her (perfectly normal, IMO) experiences as a way of more closely aligning with my experiences, even minutely. As we didn't know each other at this point as we do now, she could only assume I might look down on her for having more relationship and sex experience than I did.

Like you, I didn't care about stuff like this. I may have balked if she said she'd been with somebody in the past few weeks, but 6 months, a year? Same difference.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #60 of 71 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 07:06 AM
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Re: wife reveals truth after 17 years....

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Your entitled to truth in your marriage from your spouse. Not lies. It's pretty simple. Like marriage 101. If you are questioning whether you are entitled to it then something is very off. If you are afraid to ask something is very off. If they shame you for wanting the truth when it concerns your relationship then they are abusing you. Again pretty simple.
Very true.

But in situations like this (which don't seem to be uncommon), you have to put yourself in the other person's shoes, too.

At the very beginning of a relationship, you have no idea if it's going to result in an LTR or marriage. One person may actually have no intentions of this happening.

As OP said, his "friend" made it sound like he was just having a little fun and would be getting back with his now ex-wife. I have little doubt my now wife probably thought something similar of me, way back when. I doubt very much she, or OP's wife, thought they'd eventually be stuck with us for this long!

So two people enter into a relationship with very different views of how things will play out. I think most people would think this. Both OP and myself were literally in the middle of divorces at the time we started dating our now-wives. Not only that, but his friend specifically told OP's now wife that he was just having a little fun, post-divorce, and all that.

Lying is never truly justified, IMO, but for anybody who's had short relationships, or simply dated somebody for fun, you tend not to spill your entire life story and fill in every single little gap.

The one thing I did wrong with my wife is that I started asking these sorts of questions far too early in our relationship, before she was ready to answer. She was committed to me, and I to her, but I still had the spectre of my ex wife hanging around (quite literally, on occasion...). We were exclusive, and it was much more than just "having fun". Dating somebody while they're going through a divorce is difficult, I imagine. And FWIW, I hadn't had any dating experience in a loooong time, so I jumped the gun in some ways, before she was prepared. She was also out of a LTR where the guy was a jealous control freak and played 20 questions with her on a daily basis. I know now that I triggered her with my (I thought) normal questions.

It sucks that OP's wife took this long to tell the 'truth', but really, at what point would it have been appropriate, or even relevant, for her to have done so?

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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crazy, crazy husband, double standard, wife past

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