yesterday, my wife revealed to me that she slept with her ex 4 months before she and I officially became a couple...
I know: not another wife reveals thread. But this one has a distinction - I don't really care. She was the one who initially insisted on full disclosure from the very beginning on day 1. I went along because I wanted to reassure her that I wasn't a philanderer (2 years abstaining for me prior to her). She told me that it had been a year and a half since she was with him (on again off again ex). But truthfully i was not at all interested in any of these 'stats'. I remember thinking this ridiculous, no one that beautiful and sensuous with the world as her oyster would go without that long (i had my own reasons for abstaining). I told her that though impressed at her fortitude it made little difference to me and filed it away.
A year later, she confessed, that 5 mos before we started dating, to having blacked out when a guy friend walked her home and to this day can't remember details but is certain they had sex. What initially upset me about that revelation is that she told me this after interrogating me about an ONS i had already disclosed (she wanted additional details, in fact all of them) and then dropped her bomb on me when we were 20 minutes away from he parent's summer cottage where I was to meet the entire family for the first time. During a private moment, she became defensive. I distinctly remember being annoyed at her games and impulsively said told her that she needed to have an sti test before i would be intimate with her again. Again, at this point, we had been together for close to a year and my request was completely ridiculous. Determined to prove her point, she had the test once back home and handed me the printout before we proceeded to, well you know....
Over the years she has made unsolicited little comments determined to down play her past. Again, I know her and I understand human nature well enough to see through it, but being absolutely in love with her, I always played along. Overtime, I have come to playfully refer to these trysts as her "hottie girl stories" and have regularly commented on how grateful I am of her passion for life and her sexuality as a woman...
Yesterday, while out shopping she let slip that her previous boyfriend visited her a few days before her 'black out" story. I figured after all these years together, I was well within my right to graduate from 'playing along' and asked her to clarify. She did and so I pointed out that my understanding from previous chats was that the last time she was with him was the summer prior to our dating and 'maybe' 5 months, therefore, she was last with her ex 5 months before us, not the 12 she previously asserted.
Again, to me it didn't matter. In fact, when I first met her, I expected there were 10 times the number of guys I would have to fight off in the arena before I could claim her heart, so one on again off again boyfriend of 4 years fell well short of what I had initially anticipated...
But for some crazy reason, her revelation hit me like a ton of bricks and triggered a massive panic attack. I couldn't sleep, I could hardly keep food down. I ended up popping a xanax and stayed in bed the entire next day.
WHAT
THE
HELL....
So here I am trying to rationalize this reaction. Maybe it is because, yes it was 17 years ago (ancient history) but there were 17 times 365 chances to bring it up. Maybe it is her double standard. Maybe it is that i have gotten too comfortable in our marriage (but isn't that a good thing?) and reopening this after seeing her give birth to our children, numerous anniversaries, and infinite moments, imagining her (okay seeing her in my mind's eye) sleep with him (who am i kidding - kcuf him) in our old bed in her old room just hits harder now.
She could see that I was clearly upset (inspite of my efforts - again, i felt embarrassed i was upset in the first place) and we went a couple of rounds. Her point was that she didn't want me to think she was a **** and that given the way I had abstained for almost 2 years, she wanted to be in the ballpark along side my 'mr perfect' (her words) self control.
Okay, that hurt...
Though I had previously told her I was a victim of csa at a very early age, because I was able to heal and develop mostly normal, I heretofore had spared her the gory details. What she didn't know was that my stint as a monk was a bucket list challenge stemming from my personal healing process and how/why I was able to do that...
I guess when I started writing this, I intended to include a question but somehow seemed to have answered it myself as part of the writing process.
Thank you for reading. Comments very much appreciated!!!
I know: not another wife reveals thread. But this one has a distinction - I don't really care. She was the one who initially insisted on full disclosure from the very beginning on day 1. I went along because I wanted to reassure her that I wasn't a philanderer (2 years abstaining for me prior to her). She told me that it had been a year and a half since she was with him (on again off again ex). But truthfully i was not at all interested in any of these 'stats'. I remember thinking this ridiculous, no one that beautiful and sensuous with the world as her oyster would go without that long (i had my own reasons for abstaining). I told her that though impressed at her fortitude it made little difference to me and filed it away.
A year later, she confessed, that 5 mos before we started dating, to having blacked out when a guy friend walked her home and to this day can't remember details but is certain they had sex. What initially upset me about that revelation is that she told me this after interrogating me about an ONS i had already disclosed (she wanted additional details, in fact all of them) and then dropped her bomb on me when we were 20 minutes away from he parent's summer cottage where I was to meet the entire family for the first time. During a private moment, she became defensive. I distinctly remember being annoyed at her games and impulsively said told her that she needed to have an sti test before i would be intimate with her again. Again, at this point, we had been together for close to a year and my request was completely ridiculous. Determined to prove her point, she had the test once back home and handed me the printout before we proceeded to, well you know....
Over the years she has made unsolicited little comments determined to down play her past. Again, I know her and I understand human nature well enough to see through it, but being absolutely in love with her, I always played along. Overtime, I have come to playfully refer to these trysts as her "hottie girl stories" and have regularly commented on how grateful I am of her passion for life and her sexuality as a woman...
Yesterday, while out shopping she let slip that her previous boyfriend visited her a few days before her 'black out" story. I figured after all these years together, I was well within my right to graduate from 'playing along' and asked her to clarify. She did and so I pointed out that my understanding from previous chats was that the last time she was with him was the summer prior to our dating and 'maybe' 5 months, therefore, she was last with her ex 5 months before us, not the 12 she previously asserted.
Again, to me it didn't matter. In fact, when I first met her, I expected there were 10 times the number of guys I would have to fight off in the arena before I could claim her heart, so one on again off again boyfriend of 4 years fell well short of what I had initially anticipated...
But for some crazy reason, her revelation hit me like a ton of bricks and triggered a massive panic attack. I couldn't sleep, I could hardly keep food down. I ended up popping a xanax and stayed in bed the entire next day.
WHAT
THE
HELL....
So here I am trying to rationalize this reaction. Maybe it is because, yes it was 17 years ago (ancient history) but there were 17 times 365 chances to bring it up. Maybe it is her double standard. Maybe it is that i have gotten too comfortable in our marriage (but isn't that a good thing?) and reopening this after seeing her give birth to our children, numerous anniversaries, and infinite moments, imagining her (okay seeing her in my mind's eye) sleep with him (who am i kidding - kcuf him) in our old bed in her old room just hits harder now.
She could see that I was clearly upset (inspite of my efforts - again, i felt embarrassed i was upset in the first place) and we went a couple of rounds. Her point was that she didn't want me to think she was a **** and that given the way I had abstained for almost 2 years, she wanted to be in the ballpark along side my 'mr perfect' (her words) self control.
Okay, that hurt...
Though I had previously told her I was a victim of csa at a very early age, because I was able to heal and develop mostly normal, I heretofore had spared her the gory details. What she didn't know was that my stint as a monk was a bucket list challenge stemming from my personal healing process and how/why I was able to do that...
I guess when I started writing this, I intended to include a question but somehow seemed to have answered it myself as part of the writing process.
Thank you for reading. Comments very much appreciated!!!