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post #46 of 78 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 10:15 AM
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Re: Wife thinks about other men during sex

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I never think about another man during sex with my husband, only him.
Whatever works is fine. Do you use more than one position?
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post #47 of 78 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 10:20 AM
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Re: Wife thinks about other men during sex

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Who said anything about not talking to my wife about what turns her on?

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I must have misunderstood.

BTW: Young Frankenstein is my favorite movie.
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post #48 of 78 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 10:21 AM
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Re: Wife thinks about other men during sex

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I must have misunderstood.

BTW: Young Frankenstein is my favorite movie.
It is indeed a great movie! One of my favorites!


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"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #49 of 78 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 11:25 AM
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Re: Wife thinks about other men during sex

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Ladies...is it normal to fantasize of other men during sex with your husband?
We have been married since college (30 years). About 15 years ago my wife had a 3-4 month affair. Unwisely, I wanted to know all the details of their encounters and she shared with me that the sex and her orgasms were great. I have noticed that she has not had an orgasm with me during intercourse since her affair. However, if I wear a strap on or penis extender she always orgasms during intercourse. I believe by adding these enhancements she feels she is having sex with another guy. which allows her to orgasm.
Thoughts?
Obviously this bothers you. Go with your wife to marriage counseling to both get over the affair, get over her doing whatever she needs to orgasm, and get over your in ability to bring her to orgasm with PIV. As you stated in other responses you are of adequate size and it seems to be a shape thing. Tell her that you need the counseling and you need her support and reinforcement.

If this were my wife, I would figure out whatever I needed to do to get her to orgasm in methods other than PIV with my P. I would own her orgasms and her, which you may already. I would be satisfied with that.

If this were my wife, and I knew she fantasized over other men, I would try to be a part of her fantasy and own it, which you may already be doing (if so, good for you). I would get a wig, use alternate aftershave, role play with her, and sometimes even do what you do (use an extender or strap-on) to enhance the illusion of it being another man or her equivalent of having lots of different lovers. The biggest sex organ is the mind, so own her mind. I would ensure that this was not every time, but that it was a playful experience and something that we played at and that neither of us was embarrassed or ashamed of our actions. It would become "our shared fantasy role play."

If this were my wife and I had truly forgiven her of an affair, I would make sure she felt cherished and I would try to make sure that that old demon was never allowed to surface again.

Again, my suggestion is to get marriage counseling, as I think that there are some emotional issues eating at you and that the best sex involves the mind. Whatever is emotionally troubling you, your wife probably knows it is troubling you.

Good luck.
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post #50 of 78 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 11:29 AM
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Re: Wife thinks about other men during sex

One of the many gifts let behind by being plan B.

Our lives are a novel and we, the authors. if you don't like the story line, only you have the power to change it.
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post #51 of 78 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 11:36 AM
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Re: Wife thinks about other men during sex

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In my opinion your missing the boat. I think that sex happens in the mind. The body is an extension of the mind. In order to enjoy sex one must "let go".

Let go of the rational part of your mind, let go of restraint, let go awareness and travel to places in your head that you can't get to any other way. The act of

sex is like a drug in that respect. A person ingests a drug via the body but the drug is experienced in the mind. A person takes a drug (read: sex) not to experience the now (present) but to experience the other.



Do you dream? Do you have imagination or creativity?


No, I am not missing the boat. I am thinking of my husband, enjoying sex with him. I don't need to think of someone else or live in a fantasy world to enjoy sex. If I did, I would simply be using my using my husband as a "tool" while I fantasize.


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post #52 of 78 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 11:58 AM
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Re: Wife thinks about other men during sex

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No, I am not missing the boat. I am thinking of my husband, enjoying sex with him. I don't need to think of someone else or live in a fantasy world to enjoy sex. If I did, I would simply be using my using my husband as a "tool" while I fantasize.


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Do you have any variety during sex?
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post #53 of 78 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 12:17 PM
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Re: Wife thinks about other men during sex

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Yes, I have discussed this with her. She confirmed that she has not orgasmed from intercourse with me since her affair and she doesn't like talking about it because it puts more pressure on her. She said she doesn't care about the lack of PIV orgasms and it's not a big deal to her (which I find hard to believe).
Does she have orgasms other ways?


Most women cannot orgasm from PIV, every. Only about 25% can. It's really not a big deal at all. An orgasm is an orgasm.

You are putting pressure on her to perform sexually in some manner that is not working for her. Why are you so hung up on your wife having PIV orgasms? Let it go.
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post #54 of 78 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 12:23 PM
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Re: Wife thinks about other men during sex

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Originally Posted by araffair View Post
Ladies...is it normal to fantasize of other men during sex with your husband?
We have been married since college (30 years). About 15 years ago my wife had a 3-4 month affair. Unwisely, I wanted to know all the details of their encounters and she shared with me that the sex and her orgasms were great. I have noticed that she has not had an orgasm with me during intercourse since her affair. However, if I wear a strap on or penis extender she always orgasms during intercourse. I believe by adding these enhancements she feels she is having sex with another guy. which allows her to orgasm.
Thoughts?
Has your wife actually told you that she fantasizes about other men during sex? Or do you assume she is doing this?

Do you ever fantasize about other women during sex?
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post #55 of 78 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 07:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife thinks about other men during sex

No, I don't think of other women during sex. I am always focused on trying to help her achieve an orgasm. She can easily orgasm from fingers, mouth, toys etc. but as I stated in my original post she has not orgasmed with me during intercourse since her affair which several years ago. My mental hang up is that she used to orgasm with me during intercourse, she orgasmed with him during intercourse but she has not orgasmed with me during intercourse since the affair unless I use an extender.
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post #56 of 78 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 05:48 AM
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Re: Wife thinks about other men during sex

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No, I don't think of other women during sex. I am always focused on trying to help her achieve an orgasm. She can easily orgasm from fingers, mouth, toys etc. but as I stated in my original post she has not orgasmed with me during intercourse since her affair which several years ago. My mental hang up is that she used to orgasm with me during intercourse, she orgasmed with him during intercourse but she has not orgasmed with me during intercourse since the affair unless I use an extender.
Perhaps it is not you that she is struggling with for an orgasm, but more so her need for a little variety which you provide in the form of fingers, mouth, toys, extenders, etc.

Regarding natural intercourse, do you try different positions, locations (other than your bedroom), time of day, lubrications (both with and without), speed (slow and gentle or fast and rough), or any different modes of sex (sensation based, partner engagement, role play)?
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post #57 of 78 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:26 AM
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Re: Wife thinks about other men during sex

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Affair sex is more exciting, forbidden fruit, etc. The Sec. Maybe just ok but the circumstances make it like sex on steroids. Although it's a fantasy that can never last longterm the memories do that's why for most the sex will never be the same in the marriage.

Sounds like after her experience in the A she's just not that into you.
This.

Affairs (especially short ones like she had) are usually nothing more than lust, purely sexual.

Given that she spent 15 years with you first, she had plenty of time to 'get used' to you, for lack of a better term. I've been with my wife about 9 years now, and although the sex is still good to great, it's not the same as it was when we first started dating. "New" sex is exciting. It's what makes things like affairs and ONS's what they are.

She spent 15 years with you, a few months with this guy, then back to you. Technically, it has little to do with you IMO, but more the general idea of 30 combined years with the same person, and a few months of exciting "new" sex smack dab in the middle. You are not new and exciting (and that's not your fault, obviously). Neither is she.

As said a few times in this thread, sex is pretty much entirely mental. It has little or nothing to do with the AP/OM personally (ie. what he looked like, his penis, etc.) and everything to do with the circumstances (ie. the excitement, the taboo, the 'newness').

When the affair happened, and you insisted on knowing everything (and were told in seemingly great detail... ugh) you put yourself in a position to compete with this guy, and you planted that seed in your wife's head, too. Exacerbated by penis extenders and attempts to get her to orgasm for the past 15 years. Ironically enough, your wife would likely enjoy sex with you much more if it wasn't an obvious attempt to compete with the AP/OM.

But most importantly, your confidence was shot, and never recovered - and your wife KNOWS this. A man who has no confidence in the bedroom will do nothing for a woman. Yes, this is her own doing, but you also have the power to say "**** it" and just do your thing, and not worry about whether she orgasms or not.

Throw away the penis extender thing, it's silly. Your wife probably thinks it's silly, too, but perhaps she doesn't want to tell you for fear of upsetting you. It screams lack of confidence in your manhood (literally and figuratively), and that's a killer for her.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #58 of 78 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 09:12 AM
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Re: Wife thinks about other men during sex

I agree with @alexm. Ditch the extender. Stop worrying about your wife. She is responsible for her orgasms. She can get a good vibrator nd have as many as she wants. She can use it. You can use it. Whatever works best for her.

Think about adding some excitement to sex. Don't do it in the bedroom in your bed. Do it in other rooms. Do it outside the house. In a hotel room. In your car. In the back row of a movie theater. Go for a hike and do it on a hilltop or a ledge overlooking a lake. If you get arrested for public exposure, THAT is a fabulous memory and bonding experience.

Go out to dinner with another couple. Go commando. Fondle each other under the table in front of your friends. See how far you can go without them noticing. That will add the kind of excitement that makes affair sex so arousing.

And if your wife is willing to do any of that, then thank your lucky stars. I can assure you that my wife would do none of that and be horrified if I suggested it.

When you can see it coming, duck!

Last edited by Holdingontoit; 03-29-2017 at 11:32 AM.
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post #59 of 78 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 09:44 AM
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Re: Wife thinks about other men during sex

I miss all the excitement and newness of a new relationship. I still feel giddy when I see my husband but it has wore off for him now. Sex is every 10 days, I want it daily. Excitement is still important but I would never have an affair. I love him too much and I know I would never get anything this good again x

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post #60 of 78 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 10:43 AM
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Re: Wife thinks about other men during sex

Nope, I cannot buy that she does not want to talk about it. She is scared to death that in therapy you will find out a lot more about her affair. She is frightened that you will leave. What started her affair? Have you been in IC? Or was this rug-swept. When my wife had her little revenge, she volunteered that he was severely under-endowed, she stated that he was hardly worth getting wet over. I assured her that I was going to find out, after I amputated his appendage and arranged for it to be found in her purse. (Good threat, and my wife was easily fooled-he quit shortly thereafter, guess she told him)

Perhaps her AP was either better endowed, or to be blunt, you are plan B. Since she no longer orgasms with you during intercourse, ask her if she wouldn't mind another woman orgasming with you during intercourse? She did it, and screwed you pretty much forever.

Get to a sex therapist and the affair may be long over, it's still inside her head, and if it is in your bedroom, it is on her mind. Figure out what you want to do from there.

Last edited by Taxman; 03-29-2017 at 11:00 AM.
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