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Wife thinks about other men during sex

25K views 77 replies 31 participants last post by  ConanHub 
#1 ·
Ladies...is it normal to fantasize of other men during sex with your husband?
We have been married since college (30 years). About 15 years ago my wife had a 3-4 month affair. Unwisely, I wanted to know all the details of their encounters and she shared with me that the sex and her orgasms were great. I have noticed that she has not had an orgasm with me during intercourse since her affair. However, if I wear a strap on or penis extender she always orgasms during intercourse. I believe by adding these enhancements she feels she is having sex with another guy. which allows her to orgasm.
Thoughts?
 
#3 ·
Ladies...is it normal to fantasize of other men during sex with your husband?
We have been married since college (30 years). About 15 years ago my wife had a 3-4 month affair. Unwisely, I wanted to know all the details of their encounters and she shared with me that the sex and her orgasms were great. I have noticed that she has not had an orgasm with me during intercourse since her affair. However, if I wear a strap on or penis extender she always orgasms during intercourse. I believe by adding these enhancements she feels she is having sex with another guy. which allows her to orgasm.
Thoughts?
Amongst other things I think penis extenders are fake embellishments.
 
#7 ·
This should probably be in the coping with infidelity section but your wife needs therapy with you.

Sex is a very mental sport. From your posts, her affair partner must have been larger than you in the penis department?

Are you in the average range?

The reason I am asking is because if she had orgasms with you from PIV sex before her infidelity then she could have them now.

The vagina is a negative space that is very elastic otherwise having a baby would ruin sex for everyone out there!

Your wife has a mental /emotional problem do to her infidelity.

I've never heard of a woman who has vaginal orgasms being unable to have them anymore because of different sized partners.

A woman who can orgasm from PIV alone can accommodate a very big penis and still orgasm from one of her fingers being inserted later.

I'm not convinced.
 
#11 ·
I don't think size matters to be honest. It really is what you do with it. I had one partner who was really big and I found it very uncomfortable. My husband is similar in size to you and its the best sex I have ever had. Its very rare that I orgasm though penetration alone. Its all the other stuff that gets me there! Penetration just pushes me over the edge.

Have you spoken to her about it? Maybe more foreplay / afterplay?

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#15 ·
Ladies...is it normal to fantasize of other men during sex with your husband?
We have been married since college (30 years). About 15 years ago my wife had a 3-4 month affair. Unwisely, I wanted to know all the details of their encounters and she shared with me that the sex and her orgasms were great. I have noticed that she has not had an orgasm with me during intercourse since her affair. However, if I wear a strap on or penis extender she always orgasms during intercourse. I believe by adding these enhancements she feels she is having sex with another guy. which allows her to orgasm.
Thoughts?
This should probably be in the coping with infidelity section but your wife needs therapy with you.

Sex is a very mental sport. From your posts, her affair partner must have been larger than you in the penis department?

Are you in the average range?

The reason I am asking is because if she had orgasms with you from PIV sex before her infidelity then she could have them now.

The vagina is a negative space that is very elastic otherwise having a baby would ruin sex for everyone out there!

Your wife has a mental /emotional problem do to her infidelity.

I've never heard of a woman who has vaginal orgasms being unable to have them anymore because of different sized partners.

A woman who can orgasm from PIV alone can accommodate a very big penis and still orgasm from one of her fingers being inserted later.

I'm not convinced.
My recently divorced friend was never able to have PIV orgasms with her husband, but could with a later sex partner. She said he was shaped differently.
 
#16 ·
My recently divorced friend was never able to have PIV orgasms with her husband, but could with a later sex partner. She said he was shaped differently.
Not the same as OP.

He gave his wife PIV orgasms for 15 years and she had an affair for maybe 4 months.

Also, your friend might be more stimulated mentally as well by her partner. Not taking anything away from penis shape, fun subject, but men and women can orgasm without touching of any kind from a dream.

The orgasm response is triggered by a serious of nervous impulses sent to the brain and the brain sending signals back.

Brain dead corpses on life support are very difficult to get off! LOL!
 
#17 ·
Affair sex is more exciting, forbidden fruit, etc. The Sec. Maybe just ok but the circumstances make it like sex on steroids. Although it's a fantasy that can never last longterm the memories do that's why for most the sex will never be the same in the marriage.

Sounds like after her experience in the A she's just not that into you.
 
#57 ·
This.

Affairs (especially short ones like she had) are usually nothing more than lust, purely sexual.

Given that she spent 15 years with you first, she had plenty of time to 'get used' to you, for lack of a better term. I've been with my wife about 9 years now, and although the sex is still good to great, it's not the same as it was when we first started dating. "New" sex is exciting. It's what makes things like affairs and ONS's what they are.

She spent 15 years with you, a few months with this guy, then back to you. Technically, it has little to do with you IMO, but more the general idea of 30 combined years with the same person, and a few months of exciting "new" sex smack dab in the middle. You are not new and exciting (and that's not your fault, obviously). Neither is she.

As said a few times in this thread, sex is pretty much entirely mental. It has little or nothing to do with the AP/OM personally (ie. what he looked like, his penis, etc.) and everything to do with the circumstances (ie. the excitement, the taboo, the 'newness').

When the affair happened, and you insisted on knowing everything (and were told in seemingly great detail... ugh) you put yourself in a position to compete with this guy, and you planted that seed in your wife's head, too. Exacerbated by penis extenders and attempts to get her to orgasm for the past 15 years. Ironically enough, your wife would likely enjoy sex with you much more if it wasn't an obvious attempt to compete with the AP/OM.

But most importantly, your confidence was shot, and never recovered - and your wife KNOWS this. A man who has no confidence in the bedroom will do nothing for a woman. Yes, this is her own doing, but you also have the power to say "**** it" and just do your thing, and not worry about whether she orgasms or not.

Throw away the penis extender thing, it's silly. Your wife probably thinks it's silly, too, but perhaps she doesn't want to tell you for fear of upsetting you. It screams lack of confidence in your manhood (literally and figuratively), and that's a killer for her.
 
#19 ·
She's not failing to "get there" because of guilt. She got involved in the affair because romantic interest in her husband reach a low point and she decided to subsidize it with another man. The romantic interest, like most of the time, never returned and she can't reach orgasm with him for that reason She's just not that into him anymore and just providing duty sex. Evidence is when she said orgasm is not that important. (That's womanese for, "shut up about it and be happy I go to the trouble to give it up to you at all. Just hurry up and get it over with for gawd sake.) When he puts on his equipment, its like she doing it with someone else.
 
#31 ·
But why stay with her husband? I absolutely dont get it. If the sex was better and there was a choice to stay with the other person why go back to something that was not working for her? I know sex isnt everything but it is important. Its usually the first thing to go wrong in relationships, why stay for years after?

I am not saying what she did is right at all, I have no time for cheaters, its a very wrong thing to do to someone you say you love but I think there is so much more to this.

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#20 ·
Partner replacement fantasies are actually more common among women than compared to men. My theory about this is because men tend to watch more porn and doing so numbs both our ability and desires to fantasize about other women, because we just got done watching about 100 different women have sex yesterday and today we want the real thing. Meanwhile women tend to gravitate towards romance novels which does the opposite as it enhances one's ability and desire to fantasize, partly because yesterday there were zero men that most women were watching have sex.

So then when women read romance books and imagine themselves in that book, "partner replacement" becomes a must as imagining their partner in real life would just not be plausible enough to enjoy said fantasy.

When is the last time you saw a female romance novel full of pictures? YOU DO NOT, because it would ruin it for her because she already enjoys fantasizing him into being and that is way better than any stupid pictures could ever do!!!!

Imagine if someone flipped a switch and all the sudden all the world's internet porn were gone and replaced by words? Men everywhere (while very frustrated and screaming four letter words) would slowly learn what it is like to use their imaginations for the first time in forever! Then we too would think of all sorts of things. Imagine that?

Badsanta
 
#23 ·
I am 49 and have been with my husband since I was 17. I have had other partners but he is the only one to ever bring me to orgasm. I NEVER have thought of another man while having sex. Perhaps the other man was well-endowed and that's why she cannot orgasm unless you are weating an extender. Please stop doing that and be only yourself. Have you gona to marital counseling?


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#24 ·
Has she ever been remorseful?

Has she read how to help your spouse heal from your A?

Did she tell the OM's wife about the A, stop protecting the POSOM and start protecting you?

How would she feel if you had an A? Does she have any empathy at all?

Hope you do not continue to rugsweep. She should be happy that you are still around.

will she pay for you both to go to affair-recovery.com?

maybe they could open her eyes to realize how she has hurt you and the OM is some fantasy about a player that used her and several others at the same time.

did she ever give you a timeline of her A and all the events? Help you put the puzzle together? Stop with the extender. Tell her to get into the real world.
 
#25 ·
I don't understand the problem. Do you want to control her mind? To me, excuse me if I am being unsympathetic, this is simply creating a problem where there is none. Let me refine that. There probably is a problem, lot's of them but this is one is just a way of diverting attention from the real stuff that is bothering you and I imagine her to an even greater degree.

Sex occurs in the mind. It REQUIRES that we leave our rational mind to be properly enjoyed.
 
#32 ·
I have read erotic books, they don't do it for me at all, too much effort needed. Porn I like. I don't think I am unique in that way. Men are not the only visual creatures, women are too.

I dont think about anyone or anything else when having sex with my husband. I dont have time. The only thing I do think about is what is happening at that time.

Looking back at the comments, it seems that the men seem think us ladies fantasize a lot. I really dont think we do. Just saying..

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#33 ·
My wife thinks about women during sex and I do not care as long as she has a great orgasm. I think about other women too and sometimes we think about the same woman, our old girlfriend. I believe that we are all responsible for our own orgasms and should do whatever it takes to get them.
 
#34 ·
assuming this is not just a troll thread...have you tried other ways of having sex? Maybe it is the kinkiness that she craves to orgasm to? there are a ton of things to try. like rape fantasies, dress up as animals and have sex (furries), tie her up with rope and play with her body until she can not help but orgasm, and so on. Maybe even just new sex positions, like doggie style?
 
#41 ·
Look OP, if you want to stay married for the sake of keeping it all together, that is your business, But as a man i have to tell you that, this is one head trip you don't need....as i see it not only did she cheat on you, not only did she disrespect you, not only did she put you through hell, but on top of that (as if that is not enough) she tells you that she thinks of him because she gave her something you can't now unless you put on an extender...talk about rewarding bad behavior....honestly can you us she worth it, i would walk away from her, she is not worth it...you need a relationship with some one who wants you for you, not for what you have to put on to get them off...remember you didn't before...this is no marriage it is a charade.
 
#49 ·
Obviously this bothers you. Go with your wife to marriage counseling to both get over the affair, get over her doing whatever she needs to orgasm, and get over your in ability to bring her to orgasm with PIV. As you stated in other responses you are of adequate size and it seems to be a shape thing. Tell her that you need the counseling and you need her support and reinforcement.

If this were my wife, I would figure out whatever I needed to do to get her to orgasm in methods other than PIV with my P. I would own her orgasms and her, which you may already. I would be satisfied with that.

If this were my wife, and I knew she fantasized over other men, I would try to be a part of her fantasy and own it, which you may already be doing (if so, good for you). I would get a wig, use alternate aftershave, role play with her, and sometimes even do what you do (use an extender or strap-on) to enhance the illusion of it being another man or her equivalent of having lots of different lovers. The biggest sex organ is the mind, so own her mind. I would ensure that this was not every time, but that it was a playful experience and something that we played at and that neither of us was embarrassed or ashamed of our actions. It would become "our shared fantasy role play."

If this were my wife and I had truly forgiven her of an affair, I would make sure she felt cherished and I would try to make sure that that old demon was never allowed to surface again.

Again, my suggestion is to get marriage counseling, as I think that there are some emotional issues eating at you and that the best sex involves the mind. Whatever is emotionally troubling you, your wife probably knows it is troubling you.

Good luck.
 
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