Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage
I'm going to try and answer all the questions I saw. Apologies if I missed something. Thank you for your suggestions, I appreciate them all.
We have been married for 5 years. We abstained from all forms of sex until we were married. We have both had sex with other partners, my wife wanted to wait. I wasn't thrilled about it but I loved her and she was worth the wait. So obviously this was not an issue before we married.
Before I met my wife, single or not, I didn't go a week without sex. So it was hard to go from frequent sex to nil. My wife wanted to wait. She didn't hide her past from me. She told me that she'd had problems in the past and didn't think she was good at sex. I interpreted that as no one took the time to teach her, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I have had a lot more partners than my wife, and she was worried that she'd be the worst I'd have. That's kind of where we are now...
My wife had two long term adult relationships, one engagement. She said there was sexual dissatisfaction in both of those relationships. She had a couple long term high school relationships as well but I barely count those, teenagers don't have a clue what they are doing. After her engagement ended she slept around with some men. In her words: to see if something was wrong with her. She's had 10 partners, including myself.
I didn't watch porn during the first 3 years of our marriage. We were trying so often that I didn't need it. In the last year it has increased. I do NOT expect my wife to act like a porn star, nor do I want that. Self-pleasure is more satisfying than sex with my wife.
My wife has never said or shown that she is bored. She will have sex whenever I ask. She tries anything that I want to try. She's very submissive (not into BDSM). We don't have sex very often anymore, she still initiates. She will randomly initiate. The other day I was cooking dinner and she came into the kitchen, got down on her knees and gave me a BJ.
When I said switch it up I meant not to do the same motion the entire time. With a BJ use her hands, tongue, change pace. Same with sex.
We use to have a lot of foreplay. I don't anymore because I honestly was tired of putting in work for no reward, so to speak. I could flirt, dirty talk, tease, massage her during the day and work up to sex. Then a lot of teasing and foreplay to get her going more. She'd be really turned on but her performance didn't get better. Honestly, I don't do it much anymore. It wasn't helping at all. She was more turned on, but that's all that changed.
I can lay off on the masturbating and see if that helps. I barely masturbated in the first years of our marriage and we still had this problem but I will try it again.
My wife knows that I'm dissatisfied. I try to tell her that I'm not, when she asks, but she's not that stupid. She gets quite frustrated with herself when she can't do something right. Generally she only gets frustrated when she tries to give me a HJ, BJ or be on top. Things where she has to put in work. But even in positions were she can move with me, she cannot get into the same rhythm and gets frustrated there too. Partly because she knows I'm unhappy, and partly because she's uncomfortable as well. She has said that HJ's feel awkward and uncomfortable for her and she can never get it right.
I do try to make her feel as sexy as possible. She is. I make sure to compliment her whole body, we try different toys and lingerie. She will try anything that I want her to. She has suggested things as well, it's not only me coming up with ideas.
Orgasms for her are a bit trickier. She cannot orgasm through penetration, which is fine many women can't. She doesn't like to touch herself, she has never been able to get herself off with her hands. Clitoral stimulation with her fingers feels okay but cannot get her off. Vibrators give her small orgasms. Not very strong and lasts only a second. Neither she nor I have been able to stimulate her g-spot. I have never had that problem before. I know all the tips and tricks, we've tried different toys. It's like she doesn't have one, though I don't think that's possible. The only way she can have a strong orgasm is from one sex toy that has suction rather than a vibrator. Just checked, it's called 'the womanizer'. That is the only way. She gets so sensitive after doing it once that she's done after that. No penetration can happen. So she has to use it after penetration. Can't use it during sex, because of the design. I go down on her a lot and it clearly feels good for her but I can never get her over the edge.
She 100% prefers anal to vaginal penetration, which I have never had a woman like that before. I'm not a fan of anal, but we do it sometimes. She says it feels significantly better than vaginal penetration. She doesn't want to do it a lot because she knows that I don't like it.
Putting a blindfold over her eyes does help her a bit. She relaxes more. It doesn't really help with technique, but does help her enjoy it more.
My wife has watched some 'light' porn videos. She said she wanted to learn how to do things better. I didn't really like her watching, because I don't want her to get the wrong ideas. I never criticize her for doing something 'wrong'. She can tell when I pull back, or by my facial expression, and obviously when I start losing my erection.
She has had the same problems with every man she has been intimate with. She said the only time she didn't feel inadequate is when she had a random hookup with a man who just wanted to stick his **** somewhere. He just needed her to be there, not to do anything. Of course she felt like crap after for other reasons but in the moment there was no pressure on her to do anything. So she could have performance anxiety. It's been happening for so long though that I don't know if she could break the cycle.
I don't want her to be a sex robot, quite the opposite really. I can predict exactly what she is going to do all the time. She can be spontaneous, but I once it starts I know how it will go.
Many times I focus only on her, no penetration. I love making her feel good and if I want to I can cum from just pleasing her. It's more relaxing, she doesn't have to do anything, nothing is being ruined. But it's not ideal for the rest of our lives. And she WANTS to please me as well.
Don't get me wrong. I feel terrible about even posting this. She is an amazing wife and woman. No one is perfect but she is damn close. Anyone would be lucky to have her in their life. I desperately want to have a good sex life with her. I want to be in love with her, not just love her. I don't want her to feel poorly about herself.