Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 11:27 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
OMg I have the PERFECT solution for you man! But I cant say it here cause I would be kicked out of this forum. It's too grafic!
My wife was the same way...then I decided to try something...
We were to the point of no sex cause I gave up on her, then I thought...**** it, I'm going to try this, I have nothing to lose. And it worked so well, than not only I could get what I wanted and how I wanted it, but she opened up and is exploring wild fantasies now! We have never been more in sync than now!
Wait, so you have a magical pill to fix all that ails the marital bedroom and you've been holding out on us. you could be a millionaire in a week.

Our lives are a novel and we, the authors. if you don't like the story line, only you have the power to change it.
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post #17 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 11:41 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

We all have needs, but your post kind of reads like you want a programmable sex android.

Have you gone to a sex therapist with her, or let her attend some classes alone first, so she gains some confidence?

She is who she is. Sure, she can learn if she's willing, and it seems like she wants to try. Maybe she doesn't want to do these things as much as you think, but feels pressured to. She wouldn't be the first woman in history to be in the situation.

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post #18 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 01:19 PM
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Sounds like it's all about pleasuring you. You're pressuring her to "perform." I agree with the previous poster, sounds very robotic and unloving.
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post #19 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 01:35 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Wait, so you have a magical pill to fix all that ails the marital bedroom and you've been holding out on us. you could be a millionaire in a week.
It was a miracle for me...maybe it can help others. Plus I'm already a millionaire, so I'm not going to bother with writing some stupid book.
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post #20 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 01:43 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Sounds like it's all about pleasuring you. You're pressuring her to "perform." I agree with the previous poster, sounds very robotic and unloving.
Yes its about pleasuring him. He is saying he has not gotten any satisfaction in the bedroom in 5 years. It's not about his wife who is very sorry about this but can't do anything. She offered to let him have affairs...

He is about to leave his wife of 5 years because SHE is a robot in the bedroom, not the other way around.

He probably came out a little too technical in explaining himself, but basically he is saying that his wife does not care for sex, and he does a lot. I'm not siding with him because I'm a man...but I see the problem.
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post #21 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 01:57 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Yes its about pleasuring him. He is saying he has not gotten any satisfaction in the bedroom in 5 years. It's not about his wife who is very sorry about this but can't do anything. She offered to let him have affairs...

He is about to leave his wife of 5 years because SHE is a robot in the bedroom, not the other way around.

He probably came out a little too technical in explaining himself, but basically he is saying that his wife does not care for sex, and he does a lot. I'm not siding with him because I'm a man...but I see the problem.

Maybe his wife doesn't care for sex because HE is not any good at sex. Maybe she doesn't really try to please him as he can't or doesn't please her. Can't expect her to jump through hoops when she gets nothing in return. Sex is not all one sided, and the OP may say that his wife get's off during sex, but I'll let you in on a little secret, people lie. I faked orgams with my husband for years and he was non the wiser. It's really not hard for a woman to do.
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post #22 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 02:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Sounds like it's all about pleasuring you. You're pressuring her to "perform." I agree with the previous poster, sounds very robotic and unloving.
Yes its about pleasuring him. He is saying he has not gotten any satisfaction in the bedroom in 5 years. It's not about his wife who is very sorry about this but can't do anything.
Actually, he said his wife is trying very hard to please him.

And sex should be mutually fulfilling- it is not about only "pleasuring him." Maybe if he focused more on making the experience more intimate and enjoyable for her, she'd feel more relaxed and let it come more naturally? Just throwing out ideas. I know that the experience the OP described didn't sound natural at all. It sounded forced.
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post #23 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 02:27 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

What do you do to please her, initiate foreplay with her? Do you kiss her a lot, give her something to get her into it? Or is it more like she starts off with such a bad attitude it won't work?
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post #24 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 04:02 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

Its possible, we need the OP to comment.

Other possibilities are that he does his best but doesn't know what pleases her, or that she doesn't enjoy se for some other reason.


You mention that you faked for years. If his wife has been doing that, he might honestly think he is being a good lover because she has never told him otherwise.

I've sometimes wondered if my wife has been faking for many years, and that is why she doesn't like sex much. I offer to do anything she wants, but that doesn't prove anything - except that faking is probably never a good idea because it doesn't fix the underlying problem.



Quote:
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Maybe his wife doesn't care for sex because HE is not any good at sex. Maybe she doesn't really try to please him as he can't or doesn't please her. Can't expect her to jump through hoops when she gets nothing in return. Sex is not all one sided, and the OP may say that his wife get's off during sex, but I'll let you in on a little secret, people lie. I faked orgams with my husband for years and he was non the wiser. It's really not hard for a woman to do.
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post #25 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 06:03 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
OMg I have the PERFECT solution for you man! But I cant say it here cause I would be kicked out of this forum. It's too grafic!
What the F is this? Fermat's Last Orgasm?
"I have discovered a truly marvelous demonstration of this perfect solution that this forum is too prudish to contain..."
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post #26 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 06:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Your ages.

Children?

Married 5 years?

How long in current relationship?

Previous marriages?

Has she been sexually assaulted or abused in her past or as a child?

Can she climax? Are you sure?
She is 34, I'm 38.

She wants kids, badly, and the clock is tickin'. I'm hesitant, because I'm unhappy. At this point I want to give her children, for her, not because I actually want them with her. I don't want to divorce her and ruin that chance for her. I have a child from a previous marriage so I don't absolutely need another. Been there, done that.

We have been married for 5 years, together for 6.

I was previously married. My wife was not. My wife had 2 long term adult relationships, one involved an engagement. Both long term relationships ended with sexual dissatisfaction being one reason why.

She has never confided in me about any sexual abuse. So many women have been that it's possible, I have never directly straight out asked her.

She can orgasm. But, only through the use of one specific toy. Which we haven't had that long. Couple years maybe. Before that no she couldn't.
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post #27 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 06:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

I'm going to try and answer all the questions I saw. Apologies if I missed something. Thank you for your suggestions, I appreciate them all.

We have been married for 5 years. We abstained from all forms of sex until we were married. We have both had sex with other partners, my wife wanted to wait. I wasn't thrilled about it but I loved her and she was worth the wait. So obviously this was not an issue before we married.

Before I met my wife, single or not, I didn't go a week without sex. So it was hard to go from frequent sex to nil. My wife wanted to wait. She didn't hide her past from me. She told me that she'd had problems in the past and didn't think she was good at sex. I interpreted that as no one took the time to teach her, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I have had a lot more partners than my wife, and she was worried that she'd be the worst I'd have. That's kind of where we are now...

My wife had two long term adult relationships, one engagement. She said there was sexual dissatisfaction in both of those relationships. She had a couple long term high school relationships as well but I barely count those, teenagers don't have a clue what they are doing. After her engagement ended she slept around with some men. In her words: to see if something was wrong with her. She's had 10 partners, including myself.

I didn't watch porn during the first 3 years of our marriage. We were trying so often that I didn't need it. In the last year it has increased. I do NOT expect my wife to act like a porn star, nor do I want that. Self-pleasure is more satisfying than sex with my wife.

My wife has never said or shown that she is bored. She will have sex whenever I ask. She tries anything that I want to try. She's very submissive (not into BDSM). We don't have sex very often anymore, she still initiates. She will randomly initiate. The other day I was cooking dinner and she came into the kitchen, got down on her knees and gave me a BJ.

When I said switch it up I meant not to do the same motion the entire time. With a BJ use her hands, tongue, change pace. Same with sex.

We use to have a lot of foreplay. I don't anymore because I honestly was tired of putting in work for no reward, so to speak. I could flirt, dirty talk, tease, massage her during the day and work up to sex. Then a lot of teasing and foreplay to get her going more. She'd be really turned on but her performance didn't get better. Honestly, I don't do it much anymore. It wasn't helping at all. She was more turned on, but that's all that changed.

I can lay off on the masturbating and see if that helps. I barely masturbated in the first years of our marriage and we still had this problem but I will try it again.

My wife knows that I'm dissatisfied. I try to tell her that I'm not, when she asks, but she's not that stupid. She gets quite frustrated with herself when she can't do something right. Generally she only gets frustrated when she tries to give me a HJ, BJ or be on top. Things where she has to put in work. But even in positions were she can move with me, she cannot get into the same rhythm and gets frustrated there too. Partly because she knows I'm unhappy, and partly because she's uncomfortable as well. She has said that HJ's feel awkward and uncomfortable for her and she can never get it right.

I do try to make her feel as sexy as possible. She is. I make sure to compliment her whole body, we try different toys and lingerie. She will try anything that I want her to. She has suggested things as well, it's not only me coming up with ideas.

Orgasms for her are a bit trickier. She cannot orgasm through penetration, which is fine many women can't. She doesn't like to touch herself, she has never been able to get herself off with her hands. Clitoral stimulation with her fingers feels okay but cannot get her off. Vibrators give her small orgasms. Not very strong and lasts only a second. Neither she nor I have been able to stimulate her g-spot. I have never had that problem before. I know all the tips and tricks, we've tried different toys. It's like she doesn't have one, though I don't think that's possible. The only way she can have a strong orgasm is from one sex toy that has suction rather than a vibrator. Just checked, it's called 'the womanizer'. That is the only way. She gets so sensitive after doing it once that she's done after that. No penetration can happen. So she has to use it after penetration. Can't use it during sex, because of the design. I go down on her a lot and it clearly feels good for her but I can never get her over the edge.

She 100% prefers anal to vaginal penetration, which I have never had a woman like that before. I'm not a fan of anal, but we do it sometimes. She says it feels significantly better than vaginal penetration. She doesn't want to do it a lot because she knows that I don't like it.

Putting a blindfold over her eyes does help her a bit. She relaxes more. It doesn't really help with technique, but does help her enjoy it more.

My wife has watched some 'light' porn videos. She said she wanted to learn how to do things better. I didn't really like her watching, because I don't want her to get the wrong ideas. I never criticize her for doing something 'wrong'. She can tell when I pull back, or by my facial expression, and obviously when I start losing my erection.

She has had the same problems with every man she has been intimate with. She said the only time she didn't feel inadequate is when she had a random hookup with a man who just wanted to stick his **** somewhere. He just needed her to be there, not to do anything. Of course she felt like crap after for other reasons but in the moment there was no pressure on her to do anything. So she could have performance anxiety. It's been happening for so long though that I don't know if she could break the cycle.

I don't want her to be a sex robot, quite the opposite really. I can predict exactly what she is going to do all the time. She can be spontaneous, but I once it starts I know how it will go.

Many times I focus only on her, no penetration. I love making her feel good and if I want to I can cum from just pleasing her. It's more relaxing, she doesn't have to do anything, nothing is being ruined. But it's not ideal for the rest of our lives. And she WANTS to please me as well.

Don't get me wrong. I feel terrible about even posting this. She is an amazing wife and woman. No one is perfect but she is damn close. Anyone would be lucky to have her in their life. I desperately want to have a good sex life with her. I want to be in love with her, not just love her. I don't want her to feel poorly about herself.
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post #28 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 06:34 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

To me, this is the critical issue. I don't know if it is the cause of anything else, but its something that needs to be resolved. You don't want children, she does - recipe for disaster.

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\
SNIP

She wants kids, badly, and the clock is tickin'. I'm hesitant, because I'm unhappy. At this point I want to give her children, for her, not because I actually want them with her. I don't want to divorce her and ruin that chance for her. I have a child from a previous marriage so I don't absolutely need another. Been there, done that.

SNIP
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post #29 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 06:36 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

Just picking one part of your post.
Foreplay should be for both of you, not just something you have to do. A lot of men really enjoy getting their partners extremely aroused before sex. Is it possible she is picking up on your not really enjoying it, and that results in her not really enjoying doing things for you?



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[B]
snip
We use to have a lot of foreplay. I don't anymore because I honestly was tired of putting in work for no reward, so to speak. I could flirt, dirty talk, tease, massage her during the day and work up to sex. Then a lot of teasing and foreplay to get her going more. She'd be really turned on but her performance didn't get better. Honestly, I don't do it much anymore. It wasn't helping at all. She was more turned on, but that's all that changed.
snip
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post #30 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 06:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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To me, this is the critical issue. I don't know if it is the cause of anything else, but its something that needs to be resolved. You don't want children, she does - recipe for disaster.
I don't not want more children. Before we married I was more than happy to have kids with her, if that's what she wanted. For me it's more of a take it or leave it. I'm ok either way. But I don't want to bring a baby into an unstable marriage. I've done that once before, I don't want to do it again.
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