Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 06:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Just picking one part of your post.
Foreplay should be for both of you, not just something you have to do. A lot of men really enjoy getting their partners extremely aroused before sex. Is it possible she is picking up on your not really enjoying it, and that results in her not really enjoying doing things for you?
I love doing things for her. It's the only good part of our sex life at this point. I've always loved it, with her and other women. I should do it more, though. I stopped within the last year. I do sometimes still do foreplay, but not enough. It wasn't affecting her abilities either way.

She can tell that when she goes down on me that I'm not that into it, I try it's just so boring... I hate saying that. I wouldn't be surprised if that makes her hate doing things for me, but it has always been this way. We've never had good sex, foreplay or not.
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post #32 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 06:43 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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She 100% prefers anal to vaginal penetration, which I have never had a woman like that before. I'm not a fan of anal, but we do it sometimes. She says it feels significantly better than vaginal penetration. She doesn't want to do it a lot because she knows that I don't like it.
This seems important. I don't think I've ever heard this from a woman. Is her performance different during anal? What about double penetration with a finger for anal, have you tried that with her?

Maybe there's a medical reason for her lacking enjoyment of PIV vs anal.
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post #33 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 06:51 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

I'd strongly recommend getting videos from the Sinclair institute. A sex therapist recommended it and women really connect with them. My W is still after many decades very vanilla but we are working hard the last few years to change the dynamic. There are many similarities except she gives great bjs and it's her favorite thing and I'm trying hard to return the favor but she has a mental block on that. Anyway I'm not complaining but saying many couples have all kinds of disconnects and work through them.

Pm me and I can send a sample of the Sinclair stuff if you want. I'd recommend a bundle. Watch with her and she can see real couples having and enjoying sex. Then you can talk about what you see. Sometimes the couples are doing something for the first time and then talk about it afterward. So it is real, it's non threatening, its instructional and it resonates. Maybe it will mark a turning point for her


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post #34 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 06:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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This seems important. I don't think I've ever heard this from a woman. Is her performance different during anal? What about double penetration with a finger for anal, have you tried that with her?

Maybe there's a medical reason for her lacking enjoyment of PIV vs anal.
She seems more relaxed and it's clear that she enjoys it more. Her moaning sounds real and not forced. If we're in a position where she can, she touches me a lot more. We tried to use a small toy during sex for double penetration but we both found it uncomfortable. I could feel it and it hurt her. The odd time that she masturbates with a toy, it will be anally way more often than vaginally. I have tried a finger during sex but it didn't really do much for her.

She has seen 2-3 doctors in the last few years to have that area checked out. She asked if there was a reason she didn't have a lot of sensation and nothing was found.
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post #35 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 07:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
I'd strongly recommend getting videos from the Sinclair institute. A sex therapist recommended it and women really connect with them. My W is still after many decades very vanilla but we are working hard the last few years to change the dynamic. There are many similarities except she gives great bjs and it's her favorite thing and I'm trying hard to return the favor but she has a mental block on that. Anyway I'm not complaining but saying many couples have all kinds of disconnects and work through them.

Pm me and I can send a sample of the Sinclair stuff if you want. I'd recommend a bundle. Watch with her and she can see real couples having and enjoying sex. Then you can talk about what you see. Sometimes the couples are doing something for the first time and then talk about it afterward. So it is real, it's non threatening, its instructional and it resonates. Maybe it will mark a turning point for her


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Thank you, I will look into those videos. My wife has tried to watch porn to learn (which isn't a good idea) and said she could never find anything real or gentle enough, maybe those will help.
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post #36 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 07:24 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

I think that you have this picture in your head of what the 'perfect' woman would be like in bed and she cant and never will live up to that because its not realistic. It must be so hurtful for her to have tried so hard, and been so willing, only to have had you abandon her to cheat with women in porn. How tragic that she feels like such a failure that she has even suggested that you go elsewhere for sex. Poor woman.
Be grateful for her, be thankful for her good qualities, accept her as she is and stop being discontent. You chose to marry her the way she is.
She shouldn't have to want to do all the thinks that you want, maybe she hates 'talking dirty' maybe its not her, maybe she doesn't like oral sex, we are all different. You need to be more in tune with what SHE wants and doesn't want and likes and doesn't like, and take you mind off yourself.
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post #37 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 07:32 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

You say you cant be in love with her but you love her. I would still be in love with my husband even if we could never have sex again.
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post #38 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 07:35 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Originally Posted by marriedmarc View Post
She seems more relaxed and it's clear that she enjoys it more. Her moaning sounds real and not forced. If we're in a position where she can, she touches me a lot more. We tried to use a small toy during sex for double penetration but we both found it uncomfortable. I could feel it and it hurt her. The odd time that she masturbates with a toy, it will be anally way more often than vaginally. I have tried a finger during sex but it didn't really do much for her.

She has seen 2-3 doctors in the last few years to have that area checked out. She asked if there was a reason she didn't have a lot of sensation and nothing was found.
Well for whatever reason, she's more connected during sex when there's anal play. Perhaps there should be equal focus on exploring this aspect of your sex life relative to fixing her lack of passion. According to you she's putting plenty effort into piv sex for your sake, how does your effort with anal play compare?

Also, how does she explain the lack of enjoyment during piv? Does it hurt? Where/how? What about it makes it uncomfortable? What about the anal makes it more pleasurable?
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post #39 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 07:38 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
You need to be more in tune with what SHE wants and doesn't want and likes and doesn't like, and take you mind off yourself.
Why? It can just as reasonably be: She needs to be more in tune with what HE wants and doesn't want and likes and doesn't like, and take you mind off herself.

Ideally, they may both need to work to make each other happy.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #40 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 07:50 PM
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Cool Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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It was a miracle for me...maybe it can help others. Plus I'm already a millionaire, so I'm not going to bother with writing some stupid book.
Then if it's so graphic to post here in the forum, just do him a favor and send your earth-shattering solution to the original poster by TAM's IM!

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post #41 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 08:01 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

For the love of Godiva chocolate, please don't have children with her because you feel bad for her, sorry for her, or because her clock is ticking. You may think they're all noble reasons, but they honestly aren't and when she finds out the real reason you agreed, she will feel like a pity case for her life. She'll go pour her soul into her children because inside she knows you weren't really interested or invested in them, and you'll wonder why you have an even more emotionally distant and absent wife...

Have children because you are on FIRE to have them. With her. Because you love her and you want to create something that is a symbol of that love.
And if that's not how you feel, then she's not the woman you should be having children with.

I'm truly sorry if that all comes off as harsh, but it is my truth.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #42 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 08:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
I think that you have this picture in your head of what the 'perfect' woman would be like in bed and she cant and never will live up to that because its not realistic. It must be so hurtful for her to have tried so hard, and been so willing, only to have had you abandon her to cheat with women in porn. How tragic that she feels like such a failure that she has even suggested that you go elsewhere for sex. Poor woman.
Be grateful for her, be thankful for her good qualities, accept her as she is and stop being discontent. You chose to marry her the way she is.
She shouldn't have to want to do all the thinks that you want, maybe she hates 'talking dirty' maybe its not her, maybe she doesn't like oral sex, we are all different. You need to be more in tune with what SHE wants and doesn't want and likes and doesn't like, and take you mind off yourself.
She wants to try everything. She has clearly expressed that she wants to give me HJ's and BJ's because she wants to make me feel good. She has clearly expressed that she wants to dirty talk but she doesn't know what to say and when she does she is too awkward to pull it off, making her feel more awkward. I'm not forcing her to do anything. There are things that we have tried, she didn't like and we haven't done again. I don't want a personal sex slave...

There is no such thing as perfect. I have been with many women. They were all different, all had different likes and dislikes. I absolutely do not expect her to be perfect. What I want is to have sex with her and feel satisfied after, not disappointed and unsatisfied. Yes, I chose to marry her but I didn't know it would be this bad. Had we had sex BEFORE we married, to be honest, I don't think marriage would have happened.

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You say you cant be in love with her but you love her. I would still be in love with my husband even if we could never have sex again.
Until you are in that situation and a male, you really don't understand.

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Originally Posted by Keke24 View Post
Well for whatever reason, she's more connected during sex when there's anal play. Perhaps there should be equal focus on exploring this aspect of your sex life relative to fixing her lack of passion. According to you she's putting plenty effort into piv sex for your sake, how does your effort with anal play compare?

Also, how does she explain the lack of enjoyment during piv? Does it hurt? Where/how? What about it makes it uncomfortable? What about the anal makes it more pleasurable?
I'll be honest, she puts in more effort for PIV than I do for anal. I really don't like it, I find it gross but it does feel good. That is something that I need to do for her more. Anal would allow her to use the one toy that gets her off. I'll do that more for her.

As best as I can remember... PIV hurts in the beginning right when I go in. After a few seconds it doesn't hurt anymore. She does grab me pretty hard at the beginning and slowly loosens up. The pain is on the outside, afterwards it burns when she pees. It's a tiny tear that she gets every time. Her doctor said she has weak tissue there (perenium?) and in childbirth the doctor guaranteed she'd tear bad. It only hurts the first few seconds, then she says it's totally fine. She doesn't hide pain well so I can tell she isn't lying. She said she had that problem with previous partners as well. After a few seconds when the pain stops and I'm fully inside her she basically says that she can feel me inside her but it feels like nothing, no pleasure, no pain, no discomfort, just "there's something inside me". She is probably the tightest woman I've been with. With anal she says it feels really good. A lot of feeling and sensation. Compared to not feeling anything really with PIV.
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post #43 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 08:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
For the love of Godiva chocolate, please don't have children with her because you feel bad for her, sorry for her, or because her clock is ticking. You may think they're all noble reasons, but they honestly aren't and when she finds out the real reason you agreed, she will feel like a pity case for her life. She'll go pour her soul into her children because inside she knows you weren't really interested or invested in them, and you'll wonder why you have an even more emotionally distant and absent wife...

Have children because you are on FIRE to have them. With her. Because you love her and you want to create something that is a symbol of that love.
And if that's not how you feel, then she's not the woman you should be having children with.

I'm truly sorry if that all comes off as harsh, but it is my truth.
No, you are right. I can't have kids with her when I don't want to for the right reasons.
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post #44 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 08:19 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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You say you cant be in love with her but you love her. I would still be in love with my husband even if we could never have sex again.
Majority of men are programmed different. Unfortunately we hold sex way up on the list for how good a relationship is.

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post #45 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 08:35 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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I'll be honest, she puts in more effort for PIV than I do for anal. I really don't like it, I find it gross but it does feel good. That is something that I need to do for her more. Anal would allow her to use the one toy that gets her off. I'll do that more for her.

As best as I can remember... PIV hurts in the beginning right when I go in. After a few seconds it doesn't hurt anymore. She does grab me pretty hard at the beginning and slowly loosens up. The pain is on the outside, afterwards it burns when she pees. It's a tiny tear that she gets every time. Her doctor said she has weak tissue there (perenium?) and in childbirth the doctor guaranteed she'd tear bad. It only hurts the first few seconds, then she says it's totally fine. She doesn't hide pain well so I can tell she isn't lying. She said she had that problem with previous partners as well. After a few seconds when the pain stops and I'm fully inside her she basically says that she can feel me inside her but it feels like nothing, no pleasure, no pain, no discomfort, just "there's something inside me". She is probably the tightest woman I've been with. With anal she says it feels really good. A lot of feeling and sensation. Compared to not feeling anything really with PIV.
Yeah I don't think I would be that much into piv if it didn't feel awesome having it in there. I can see how there's a lack of rythm if she's not feeling anything. If one has never felt the goodness of the ****, how does one figure out how to ride it? My partner could just be laying in there without any movement and that alone feels incredibly good. The doctors weren't able to label her problem but clearly her body is indicating that something is different down there.

It wouldn't hurt to just work with what you guys have going on, the anal. That area of your sex life shows promise and focusing the conversation on improving that aspect could help her feel better about the situation. And take some pressure off her with the piv. Because I don't know how she's been able to be such a good sport about it for this long. What could she do to help you get over the gross feeling? There's so many anal toy options, it wouldn't hurt to keep looking. Besides toy shopping is fun!
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