Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #46 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:16 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

Hey OP, I just did a quick search and I see quite a few reports from women who complain of no pleasurable feeling during piv. One woman compared penetration to having a finger slid in n out in her ear, she knows it's there and can feel the motion but no pleasure.

And I also see reports about perineum tears after sex however all the posts I read were accompanied by utis or yeast infections. Good that this is not the case for you guys.

So see, it's not just your wife. This issue is very real whether or not the doctors can provide an explanation.

You guys are open with each other, honest and both love each other. A good recipe for finding creative solutions to work around this problem. Maybe the trick is a different approach to sex, less focus on pic, more emphasis on anal play etc. You're not the only one being disadvantaged here so time to step away from the victim role and hopelessness. It could be worse, you could be in a sexless marriage and your wife could not give a ****. Just take a look in the forum and see how many threads come up with that very topic. Your wife is willing, use that to your advantage and experiment.

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post #47 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:17 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Originally Posted by marriedmarc View Post
No, you are right. I can't have kids with her when I don't want to for the right reasons.
My wife does not want kids. I didn't at first, now I would be happy to have them and I told my wife. She said that she would have them because of me.
Well that doesnt lay a good ground for motherhood! lol
Dont have kids to make your partner happy.
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post #48 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:29 PM
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Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

My w had bad deliveries including surgeries and she risked dying of blood loss. For about 15-17 I respected her difficulties with PIV as a result. During that time she likely had vaginal atrophy. Add to that age and lack of lubrication. Plus, on a whim due to a TAM thread I did "the dollar bill challenge" but misinterpreted (assumed girth rather than length) and found I am particularly girthy. I get that guys want this and women allegedly prefer this but it ain't so.

The result is patience and work. PIV was very uncomfortable a year ago. Now - after I learned to slow down and she learned to relax and her vajayjay had time to adjust, PIV is much better. But it takes time.

The only reason I go into this is to point out that all you hear and read ignores all the couples working on this. It's more in the norm than you think.

You have a good woman willing to do the work. So keep up hope and have patience


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post #49 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:39 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

Why not schedule some sessions with a licensed sex therapist?

"Love is chemicals masquerading as choices!"
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post #50 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 03:36 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Majority of men are programmed different. Unfortunately we hold sex way up on the list for how good a relationship is.

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As do I but my love for him isnt conditional on how he 'performs' in sex.

I hope that poor lady can find a man who loves her for who she is and not love her or not based on her 'performance' in bed. So sad.
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post #51 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 05:36 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

If sex is painful for your wife than that is not normal and she needs to see a doctor to help solve that problem. It's not suppose to hurt.

As for her not being able to give you a good BJ or HJ, have you ever considered that maybe you are not explaining what you want from her in a way that she can grasp it and understand. Some people have very poor communications skills and struggle to get things across to other people, especially when it's a sensitive subject as telling your wife how to give you a BJ as she sucks at it.

This poor woman sounds like she has tried so hard to please you , but constantly gets shot down with negativity and disappointment that It would not surprise me if she has grown resentment for you and frankly doesn't really care anymore. If she is not emotional connected to you, and feels safe and secure, her interest in sex is going to be low.

She may very well just be "pretending" to try in order to keep you around for fear of losing the marriage.

I think your expectations are way to high, and that your brain has been polluted with porn sex,(Even if you don't watch it now, the images you have seen stick with you) which has caused you to have an unrealistic expectation of what married sex between a couple should be. I think you have this picture in your head of what sex should be like that you are unable to enjoy real sex if it falls short of your expectations.

Are you even sexually attracted you your wife? Are you excited when you have sex with her? Do you get aroused easily with her? If you are not than I could see how you are having a hard time getting off.
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post #52 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 05:57 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

OP. I'm in a similar situation with my wife. When we have sex it's the same routine over and over. She has too many rules can't do this or that which only leaves a few things and before you know it turns into stale boring sex.



Your wife may be boring but at least she goes all out to try and pleasure you and that's shows that she really cares. That's something my wife lacks. She could care less about my feelings.

I think you should listen to the other posters focus on pleasuring her and get the instructional vids.



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post #53 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 06:47 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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If sex is painful for your wife than that is not normal and she needs to see a doctor to help solve that problem. It's not suppose to hurt.

As for her not being able to give you a good BJ or HJ, have you ever considered that maybe you are not explaining what you want from her in a way that she can grasp it and understand. Some people have very poor communications skills and struggle to get things across to other people, especially when it's a sensitive subject as telling your wife how to give you a BJ as she sucks at it.

This poor woman sounds like she has tried so hard to please you , but constantly gets shot down with negativity and disappointment that It would not surprise me if she has grown resentment for you and frankly doesn't really care anymore. If she is not emotional connected to you, and feels safe and secure, her interest in sex is going to be low.

She may very well just be "pretending" to try in order to keep you around for fear of losing the marriage.

I think your expectations are way to high, and that your brain has been polluted with porn sex,(Even if you don't watch it now, the images you have seen stick with you) which has caused you to have an unrealistic expectation of what married sex between a couple should be. I think you have this picture in your head of what sex should be like that you are unable to enjoy real sex if it falls short of your expectations.

Are you even sexually attracted you your wife? Are you excited when you have sex with her? Do you get aroused easily with her? If you are not than I could see how you are having a hard time getting off.
Daisy, I so agree with you, especially about the porn part. People seem to forget that these people in porn are acting. Its not real life and it makes people discontent with their own partners. Discontentment is poison to a marriage. I cant see this marriage lasting which is sad. I would never leave someone just because they weren't living up to my distorted sexual expectations. What sort of love is that? Its not real love at all.
What if his wife had an accident and couldnt have sex again, would he abandon her? Probably.
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post #54 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 07:09 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

Watch the Sinclair videos and schedule an appointment with a sex therapist. If there isn't any improvement after about 6 months, you'll have to decide if you're willing to live with unsatisfying sex for the next 2-3 decades or so.

Personally, I would be angry if I were you. She had 10 sex partners between a LTR, an engagement, and some more casual partners. Her relationship and her engagement ended at least partially due to bad sex, and she then decides to abstain from sex while dating you??? Really??? Hmmm, maybe she didn't want to have premarital sex with you because she realized the bad sex would be a dealbreaker and she wanted you locked down first.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #55 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 07:19 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

maybe shes in the closet?
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post #56 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 07:22 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Daisy, I so agree with you, especially about the porn part. People seem to forget that these people in porn are acting. Its not real life and it makes people discontent with their own partners. Discontentment is poison to a marriage. I cant see this marriage lasting which is sad. I would never leave someone just because they weren't living up to my distorted sexual expectations. What sort of love is that? Its not real love at all.
What if his wife had an accident and couldnt have sex again, would he abandon her? Probably.
There is nothing "distorted" in wanting a sexual partner who can give decent oral or manual, and who is capable of cowgirl. These things are pretty much in the bare minimum category. I don't think it's too much to ask to have a partner who actually enjoys sex on a carnal level and has at least some skill.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #57 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 07:57 AM
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Daisy, I so agree with you, especially about the porn part. People seem to forget that these people in porn are acting. Its not real life and it makes people discontent with their own partners. Discontentment is poison to a marriage. I cant see this marriage lasting which is sad. I would never leave someone just because they weren't living up to my distorted sexual expectations. What sort of love is that? Its not real love at all.
What if his wife had an accident and couldnt have sex again, would he abandon her? Probably.
There is nothing "distorted" in wanting a sexual partner who can give decent oral or manual, and who is capable of cowgirl. These things are pretty much in the bare minimum category. I don't think it's too much to ask to have a partner who actually enjoys sex on a carnal level and has at least some skill.
I wholeheartedly agree with you. There is nothing distorted about wanting a sexual partner you connect with physically enough to have satisfactory intimacy with. There are just some people you don't fit with and have chemistry with, it's a mismatch. That sounds like the case here.
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post #58 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:57 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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I wholeheartedly agree with you. There is nothing distorted about wanting a sexual partner you connect with physically enough to have satisfactory intimacy with. There are just some people you don't fit with and have chemistry with, it's a mismatch. That sounds like the case here.
I agree.

Is it worth a divorce though? Everything else is perfect.


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post #59 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:06 AM
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He says he's not in love with her and losing attraction. I guess it depends on if one wants to sign up for the rest of their life with someone they don't have a satisfying sex life with.
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post #60 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:07 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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I agree.

Is it worth a divorce though? Everything else is perfect.


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That's like saying "This bucket is great except for the hole in the bottom."

For a lot of people, sexual satisfaction is a vital component of a romantic relationship.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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