Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #61 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:11 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
That's like saying "This bucket is great except for the hole in the bottom."

For a lot of people, sexual satisfaction is a vital component of a romantic relationship.
I hear ya. I'm in the same boat. We have kids though and I always debate is it worth me ruining a family because I want a better sex life.

It sounds pretty selfish on my end.

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post #62 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:21 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

OP, sounds to me like you may be more the problem than she is.

You say she is "on board" with trying anything you want, she just doesn't do it the way you like.
You say she "tries" to learn, but can't, without considering who is teaching her, you.
You say she is 100% more into anal, yet you don't like it, so you rarely do what she enjoys.

If you truly wanted to "fix" the situation you would try to please her, which means 100% anal, since that is what she prefers, then work from that.

I would be willing to bet she has never had a man give her exactly what she wants, which means she has no idea how to give a man exactly what he wants, since she has never experienced it herself.
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post #63 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:22 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Is it worth a divorce though? Everything else is perfect.
Yes, it is worth divorcing over.

No sex or only bad sex tends to taint everything else over time. Even if everything else is perfect now, it won't stay that way if the sex is continuously unsatisfying. If the bridge is rusting, best to fix it before it collapses. Saying "it works perfectly to allow me to cross the chasm today" ignores the likelihood that it will fail later. Waiting for failure to occur before fixing it makes fixing it harder.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #64 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:25 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Yes, it is worth divorcing over.

No sex or only bad sex tends to taint everything else over time. Even if everything else is perfect now, it won't stay that way if the sex is continuously unsatisfying. If the bridge is rusting, best to fix it before it collapses. Saying "it works perfectly to allow me to cross the chasm today" ignores the likelihood that it will fail later. Waiting for failure to occur before fixing it makes fixing it harder.
That's one way to look at it. Another way to look at is, if the bridge were well maintained to begin with, it would not be rusting and in disrepair, so no need to replace it.
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post #65 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:27 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

@marriedmarc if initial penetration has always been painful for your wife, that in and of itself is likely enough to skew her desire and libido for sex. Most women would describe anal as uncomfortable or painful, so for whatever reason you wife experience more discomfort and pain with PIV.

Meanwhile you mentioned that doctors have indicated that part of her vaginal lining or opening is thin and subject to tear. To me this part seems as though it would indicate some form of hormone deficiency. Generally speaking young women with healthy hormone levels have a thick and healthy lining to their vaginas. Upon aging and going through menopause the vagina becomes starved of hormones and the lining of the vagina begins to become thin. A problem that runs parallel to hormonal starvation of the genitals for females is urinary incontinence. Does you wife experience any difficulties holding her urine when she really has to go pee?

Another tell tale sign of hormonal starvation of the female genitalia would be a burning sensation when urinating after sexual intercourse. This is because the lining of the vagina is thin and does not provide as much protection for her urethra.

So I would take her to a doctor and encourage her to have her hormones tested!

In the meantime if she is unwilling to do that, male semen also contains hormones (testosterone). Frequent contact with your semen on her genitalia can mitigate some of her problems as your hormones are absorbed by her body and help stimulate/maintain healthy tissue growth in that area. While that may seem gross, studies have found that women incapable of producing their own hormones later in life still maintain healthy vaginal linings as well as urinary continence if they remain very active with their male partners at least once a week or more on average.

You can read more about this in Masters & Johnson's Human Sexual Response.

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post #66 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 10:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Watch the Sinclair videos and schedule an appointment with a sex therapist. If there isn't any improvement after about 6 months, you'll have to decide if you're willing to live with unsatisfying sex for the next 2-3 decades or so.

Personally, I would be angry if I were you. She had 10 sex partners between a LTR, an engagement, and some more casual partners. Her relationship and her engagement ended at least partially due to bad sex, and she then decides to abstain from sex while dating you??? Really??? Hmmm, maybe she didn't want to have premarital sex with you because she realized the bad sex would be a dealbreaker and she wanted you locked down first.
I have mixed feelings about her desire to wait until marriage to have sex. She thought that if we had a solid relationship first, then introduced sex it would be better. She said she didn't want sex to ruin the relationship. In the beginning we were only going to wait a few months, and it kept getting pushed back. It did bother me that she had sex with other men (I didn't know the number until after we were married, didn't care to know), even men she didn't know but wouldn't do it with me. I loved her, I wanted her to be comfortable and in my head she was worth the wait. I wouldn't do it again. I think there was a part of her that thought if we were married I'd stay regardless.
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post #67 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 10:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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@marriedmarc if initial penetration has always been painful for your wife, that in and of itself is likely enough to skew her desire and libido for sex. Most women would describe anal as uncomfortable or painful, so for whatever reason you wife experience more discomfort and pain with PIV.

Meanwhile you mentioned that doctors have indicated that part of her vaginal lining or opening is thin and subject to tear. To me this part seems as though it would indicate some form of hormone deficiency. Generally speaking young women with healthy hormone levels have a thick and healthy lining to their vaginas. Upon aging and going through menopause the vagina becomes starved of hormones and the lining of the vagina begins to become thin. A problem that runs parallel to hormonal starvation of the genitals for females is urinary incontinence. Does you wife experience any difficulties holding her urine when she really has to go pee?

Another tell tale sign of hormonal starvation of the female genitalia would be a burning sensation when urinating after sexual intercourse. This is because the lining of the vagina is thin and does not provide as much protection for her urethra.

So I would take her to a doctor and encourage her to have her hormones tested!

In the meantime if she is unwilling to do that, male semen also contains hormones (testosterone). Frequent contact with your semen on her genitalia can mitigate some of her problems as your hormones are absorbed by her body and help stimulate/maintain healthy tissue growth in that area. While that may seem gross, studies have found that women incapable of producing their own hormones later in life still maintain healthy vaginal linings as well as urinary continence if they remain very active with their male partners at least once a week or more on average.

You can read more about this in Masters & Johnson's Human Sexual Response.

Regards,
Badsanta
She has never said anything about urinary incontinence. She has no problem sharing info like that so I think she would have told me. She has said that after sex it burns when she pees but only were she tore. She gets a little nick almost every time, regardless of foreplay and lube. It's not a size issue because she has had it with every man she's slept with, smaller and larger than me.

She has had her hormones tested, everything came back normal. Hopefully nothing goes wrong with her hormones because she cannot have one of them, I can't recall which. She had seizures from birth control pills that they traced back to one of the hormones. She has an IUD now.

My wife doesn't like when I cum inside her, she doesn't like that it 'leaks' out throughout the day. 9 times out of 10 she either wants me to pull out and cum on her clit or in her mouth. Which is a bit on the odd side but I'm not complaining about that. If it would help maybe she'd get more on board.
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post #68 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 11:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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OP, sounds to me like you may be more the problem than she is.

You say she is "on board" with trying anything you want, she just doesn't do it the way you like.
You say she "tries" to learn, but can't, without considering who is teaching her, you.
You say she is 100% more into anal, yet you don't like it, so you rarely do what she enjoys.

If you truly wanted to "fix" the situation you would try to please her, which means 100% anal, since that is what she prefers, then work from that.

I would be willing to bet she has never had a man give her exactly what she wants, which means she has no idea how to give a man exactly what he wants, since she has never experienced it herself.
This is fair. You're right, I'm complaining that she *can't* do what I like and here I am a man who *won't* do what she likes. She at least tries. I do my best to avoid anal. I find it gross, the poop is my hangup. I know that she prefers it but even now if I ask her if she wants to do it that way she says no because she knows I don't want to. I have to change that. Wearing a condom helps with the 'uck' factor to me. She doesn't like cum inside her either so a condom would help that.

She might do better if she has something to look forward to. PIV doesn't feel good for her so there is nothing to work towards, so to speak. She could use a toy while doing anal and probably have a really good orgasm.

I don't know if it has anything to do with anything but her first time having sex was anal. The guy that she was with preferred anal and that's almost all they did. I don't think that would have influenced having no pleasure from PIV, but maybe.
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post #69 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 11:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Hey OP, I just did a quick search and I see quite a few reports from women who complain of no pleasurable feeling during piv. One woman compared penetration to having a finger slid in n out in her ear, she knows it's there and can feel the motion but no pleasure.

And I also see reports about perineum tears after sex however all the posts I read were accompanied by utis or yeast infections. Good that this is not the case for you guys.

So see, it's not just your wife. This issue is very real whether or not the doctors can provide an explanation.

You guys are open with each other, honest and both love each other. A good recipe for finding creative solutions to work around this problem. Maybe the trick is a different approach to sex, less focus on pic, more emphasis on anal play etc. You're not the only one being disadvantaged here so time to step away from the victim role and hopelessness. It could be worse, you could be in a sexless marriage and your wife could not give a ****. Just take a look in the forum and see how many threads come up with that very topic. Your wife is willing, use that to your advantage and experiment.
My wife has made a very similar analogy before. It wasn't the ear I don't think but exact same idea. At least it's not just her I suppose... She has said she has tried to find info online and never can and she thought she was the only woman on the planet who didn't like PIV sex.

Because you mentioned yeast infections I remember my wife saying something. She goes to the doctor once a year to get checked out down there. Each time she has said the doctor said she might have a yeast infection but then the test comes back negative. Maybe the tests just aren't coming back correct. She has never been diagnosed with a yeast infection or UTI.

You are right that I need to get over it and focus more on anal. That is what she likes. If I want her to do what I like I need to do what she likes. It could be worse, and she could not give a crap.
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post #70 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 11:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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If sex is painful for your wife than that is not normal and she needs to see a doctor to help solve that problem. It's not suppose to hurt.

As for her not being able to give you a good BJ or HJ, have you ever considered that maybe you are not explaining what you want from her in a way that she can grasp it and understand. Some people have very poor communications skills and struggle to get things across to other people, especially when it's a sensitive subject as telling your wife how to give you a BJ as she sucks at it.

This poor woman sounds like she has tried so hard to please you , but constantly gets shot down with negativity and disappointment that It would not surprise me if she has grown resentment for you and frankly doesn't really care anymore. If she is not emotional connected to you, and feels safe and secure, her interest in sex is going to be low.

She may very well just be "pretending" to try in order to keep you around for fear of losing the marriage.

I think your expectations are way to high, and that your brain has been polluted with porn sex,(Even if you don't watch it now, the images you have seen stick with you) which has caused you to have an unrealistic expectation of what married sex between a couple should be. I think you have this picture in your head of what sex should be like that you are unable to enjoy real sex if it falls short of your expectations.

Are you even sexually attracted you your wife? Are you excited when you have sex with her? Do you get aroused easily with her? If you are not than I could see how you are having a hard time getting off.
Sex for my wife is only painful in the first few seconds, after that she does not have any pain. Doctors haven't found anything wrong other than weak tissue in the area between the vaginal opening and butt. Which is where it hurts for those first few seconds.

When I'm trying to explain something to her I put my hands over hers to do the motion for her, she can't keep it up once my hand is off. For BJ's same idea, if I put my hands on her head to control her head she can't keep up after my hands are off. I like when she uses her tongue as well, obviously I can't coach her on that but we can never get it right. My wife has blamed my number of partners on that. That I have too many people to compare her to and I want the best parts of all of them.

She is the same outside of the bedroom. I can try and explain something to her and she just doesn't get it. She can read the same thing over and over and have no clue what she just read. She cannot hold onto information.

I don't expect her to act like a porn star, at all. I never have.

I'm attracted to my wife. I think she's sexy and I get turned on but I don't want to have sex with her. The sex has been so disappointing that I don't have very strong urges to have sex, with her. Sex is more about getting it over with now. It was NOT always like that. That's a more recent development. She can arouse me without a problem but then I start losing the erection or just cannot get off.
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post #71 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 11:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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maybe shes in the closet?
That would be the last guess I'd ever come up with. She doesn't have many female friends, has always had more male friends. She didn't like when I told her I had slept with two women at once (she asked). She didn't like when I said it would be hot to see her with another woman, she immediately shut that down. She's a crap liar. No part of me would guess that she's lesbian, or even bi.
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post #72 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 11:26 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

Regarding anal, she should try an anal douche which only rinses the rectum. A couple of squirts of warm water should clean the area. Google "clean stream enema bulb" it's a simple bulb.

That way you can set aside your concerns and develop her confidence.


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post #73 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 11:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Regarding anal, she should try an anal douche which only rinses the rectum. A couple of squirts of warm water should clean the area. Google "clean stream enema bulb" it's a simple bulb.

That way you can set aside your concerns and develop her confidence.


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Thank you, I'll look into that. It would probably make her feel more comfortable, maybe me as well.
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post #74 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 11:31 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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When I'm trying to explain something to her I put my hands over hers to do the motion for her, she can't keep it up once my hand is off. For BJ's same idea, if I put my hands on her head to control her head she can't keep up after my hands are off. I like when she uses her tongue as well, obviously I can't coach her on that but we can never get it right. My wife has blamed my number of partners on that. That I have too many people to compare her to and I want the best parts of all of them.

She is the same outside of the bedroom. I can try and explain something to her and she just doesn't get it. She can read the same thing over and over and have no clue what she just read. She cannot hold onto information.
So, she has no sense of rhythm, and difficulty learning/retaining knowledge. Can she dance? Perhaps it would be worth trying lessons? If she can dance, she can learn sex. How about playing music with a suitable rhythm to help her synchronize? She can't do it on her own, but music may do the trick, and is great with sex anyway.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #75 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 11:38 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

I believe the rhythm issue is confidence. She likely feels silly or pornographic or simply is worried about ruining your pleasure.

Have you tried reverse cowgirl? There you can actually grab her hips and physically move her. You can feign real pleasure while doing it and tell her to "keep doing that - it's amazing...". Give her the sensation of moving the way you want and pretend she's doing it and encourage her.

Talk about it afterward about how sexy it was seeing her hips move that way. Maybe even get a suction cup dildo and put it in the tub, have her squat down on it and literally have her slowly do it. Tell her you know she doesn't get much out of PIV but you want to watch her that way while you masturbate or get a hi or bj.

Just an idea


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