If sex is painful for your wife than that is not normal and she needs to see a doctor to help solve that problem. It's not suppose to hurt.
As for her not being able to give you a good BJ or HJ, have you ever considered that maybe you are not explaining what you want from her in a way that she can grasp it and understand. Some people have very poor communications skills and struggle to get things across to other people, especially when it's a sensitive subject as telling your wife how to give you a BJ as she sucks at it.
This poor woman sounds like she has tried so hard to please you , but constantly gets shot down with negativity and disappointment that It would not surprise me if she has grown resentment for you and frankly doesn't really care anymore. If she is not emotional connected to you, and feels safe and secure, her interest in sex is going to be low.
She may very well just be "pretending" to try in order to keep you around for fear of losing the marriage.
I think your expectations are way to high, and that your brain has been polluted with porn sex,(Even if you don't watch it now, the images you have seen stick with you) which has caused you to have an unrealistic expectation of what married sex between a couple should be. I think you have this picture in your head of what sex should be like that you are unable to enjoy real sex if it falls short of your expectations.
Are you even sexually attracted you your wife? Are you excited when you have sex with her? Do you get aroused easily with her? If you are not than I could see how you are having a hard time getting off.
Sex for my wife is only painful in the first few seconds, after that she does not have any pain. Doctors haven't found anything wrong other than weak tissue in the area between the vaginal opening and butt. Which is where it hurts for those first few seconds.
When I'm trying to explain something to her I put my hands over hers to do the motion for her, she can't keep it up once my hand is off. For BJ's same idea, if I put my hands on her head to control her head she can't keep up after my hands are off. I like when she uses her tongue as well, obviously I can't coach her on that but we can never get it right. My wife has blamed my number of partners on that. That I have too many people to compare her to and I want the best parts of all of them.
She is the same outside of the bedroom. I can try and explain something to her and she just doesn't get it. She can read the same thing over and over and have no clue what she just read. She cannot hold onto information.
I don't expect her to act like a porn star, at all. I never have.
I'm attracted to my wife. I think she's sexy and I get turned on but I don't want to have sex with her. The sex has been so disappointing that I don't have very strong urges to have sex, with her
. Sex is more about getting it over with now. It was NOT always like that. That's a more recent development. She can arouse me without a problem but then I start losing the erection or just cannot get off.