Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #76 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 11:44 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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My wife has blamed my number of partners on that. That I have too many people to compare her to and I want the best parts of all of them.
Is she right? Maybe your wife knows your sexual history and is nervous that she will not get it "right". Her self confidence is probably shot all to h*ll.

Or maybe she is not good at sex, or at least the kind of sex you want and you two are just not compatible. If you are in this marriage only for the sake of the kids and are unhappy and have withdrawn from her sexually, which I guarantee you will withdraw emotional too if you haven't already, tell her the truth about how you feel about this. Make sure she understands outright that you are unhappy with sex, and she can't seem to get it right and it has come to the point that you no longer want to have sex with her. Let her decide what she wants to do, but be prepared that she may want a divorce. Or maybe she will be fine with that and has be waiting all these years for you to give up and stop expecting her to perform for you. A sexless marriage may be what she is after.
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post #77 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 11:48 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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She has never said anything about urinary incontinence. She has no problem sharing info like that so I think she would have told me. She has said that after sex it burns when she pees but only were she tore. She gets a little nick almost every time, regardless of foreplay and lube. It's not a size issue because she has had it with every man she's slept with, smaller and larger than me.

She has had her hormones tested, everything came back normal. Hopefully nothing goes wrong with her hormones because she cannot have one of them, I can't recall which. She had seizures from birth control pills that they traced back to one of the hormones. She has an IUD now.

My wife doesn't like when I cum inside her, she doesn't like that it 'leaks' out throughout the day. 9 times out of 10 she either wants me to pull out and cum on her clit or in her mouth. Which is a bit on the odd side but I'm not complaining about that. If it would help maybe she'd get more on board.
If things have ALWAYS been that way with her, then I really have no further advice.

I will offer you one more possibility. If your wife likes anal it may be possible that she has a mild but yet chronic bacterial infection in her vagina. This would cause her vaginal lining to be rather sensitive and irritated upon penetration. Generally speaking something of this nature would likely show up in her OBGYN visits because the doctor would notice that something is irritating her.

Now that she has an IUD, does she still make regular visits to her OBGYN? I know with an IUD that one can tend to have it placed and then forget about everything as there is nothing really prompting visits to the OBGYN anymore.

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post #78 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 11:51 AM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Because you mentioned yeast infections I remember my wife saying something. She goes to the doctor once a year to get checked out down there. Each time she has said the doctor said she might have a yeast infection but then the test comes back negative. Maybe the tests just aren't coming back correct. She has never been diagnosed with a yeast infection or UTI.
Maybe there is more to this. The doctor must be recognizing some kind of irritation to suggest a yeast infection. Perhaps she may be sensitive to something in her environment that is causing vaginal irritation? It may seem unlikely especially considering one doc said she has weak tissue plus it's been this way her whole life but it doesn't hurt to consider all possibilities.

Part of the reason I say this is because one of my girlfriend's is insanely sensitive. She only realized the cause of her issues through trial and error. In order to enjoy sex she and her partner absolutely must shower right before sex, and she, after as well. It has restricted their sex life significantly but it's better than dealing with the irritation and infections that plagued her before. The cause of which went undiagnosed by doctors, just drugs for treatment.
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post #79 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 11:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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So, she has no sense of rhythm, and difficulty learning/retaining knowledge. Can she dance? Perhaps it would be worth trying lessons? If she can dance, she can learn sex. How about playing music with a suitable rhythm to help her synchronize? She can't do it on her own, but music may do the trick, and is great with sex anyway.
I have never seen her dance or been able to get her to dance. Not at home, parties, weddings. Even for our wedding she wouldn't dance. We had a first dance but it was just a typical 'slow dance'. We tried lessons for a bit but she quickly wanted to stop. I could try music, we often have some on but I don't pick out a specific rhythm.
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post #80 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 12:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Is she right? Maybe your wife knows your sexual history and is nervous that she will not get it "right". Her self confidence is probably shot all to h*ll.

Or maybe she is not good at sex, or at least the kind of sex you want and you two are just not compatible. If you are in this marriage only for the sake of the kids and are unhappy and have withdrawn from her sexually, which I guarantee you will withdraw emotional too if you haven't already, tell her the truth about how you feel about this. Make sure she understands outright that you are unhappy with sex, and she can't seem to get it right and it has come to the point that you no longer want to have sex with her. Let her decide what she wants to do, but be prepared that she may want a divorce. Or maybe she will be fine with that and has be waiting all these years for you to give up and stop expecting her to perform for you. A sexless marriage may be what she is after.
I don't think so. I can recall specific women who were very good overall or at specific things, but I'm not comparing my wife to them. My wife does know my sexual history. She asked and I was quite hesitant to give it to her but she wanted it. She didn't know until after we were married and having sex. She knew it was higher than hers but didn't know how many times it multiplied her number. She thought her 10 was high. In hindsight I probably should have refused to tell her.

We don't have kids together. She wants kids, and I have one from a previous marriage but we have none together. On that front there is nothing tying me to her. She knows that I'm unhappy with our sex life. Over the last year she has asked quite a few times if I want those needs met somewhere else. "massage parlours" are legal here and she told me to go if I wanted to but not to tell her. I won't do that to her. If it comes to that then we need to divorce.
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post #81 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 12:04 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

Hey OP, here's another site I came across where women talk about experiencing similar issues: perineum cuts after sex - Women's Health - MedHelp.

One lady mentioned the use of dilators combined with massage to prep before penetration and another said her doc gave her a cream to treat the irritation. I think it would be good to share this kind of info with your wife so she can stop feeling so crappy about her piv experiences. It may help her learn more about her body.
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post #82 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 12:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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If things have ALWAYS been that way with her, then I really have no further advice.

I will offer you one more possibility. If your wife likes anal it may be possible that she has a mild but yet chronic bacterial infection in her vagina. This would cause her vaginal lining to be rather sensitive and irritated upon penetration. Generally speaking something of this nature would likely show up in her OBGYN visits because the doctor would notice that something is irritating her.

Now that she has an IUD, does she still make regular visits to her OBGYN? I know with an IUD that one can tend to have it placed and then forget about everything as there is nothing really prompting visits to the OBGYN anymore.

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Originally Posted by Keke24 View Post
Maybe there is more to this. The doctor must be recognizing some kind of irritation to suggest a yeast infection. Perhaps she may be sensitive to something in her environment that is causing vaginal irritation? It may seem unlikely especially considering one doc said she has weak tissue plus it's been this way her whole life but it doesn't hurt to consider all possibilities.

Part of the reason I say this is because one of my girlfriend's is insanely sensitive. She only realized the cause of her issues through trial and error. In order to enjoy sex she and her partner absolutely must shower right before sex, and she, after as well. It has restricted their sex life significantly but it's better than dealing with the irritation and infections that plagued her before. The cause of which went undiagnosed by doctors, just drugs for treatment.
She does still go to the doctor yearly for tests. I will have her look into those suggestions. Maybe a new doctor is needed. She has seen 2-3 different ones but maybe they missed something.
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post #83 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 12:10 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Originally Posted by marriedmarc View Post
She knows that I'm unhappy with our sex life. Over the last year she has asked quite a few times if I want those needs met somewhere else. "massage parlours" are legal here and she told me to go if I wanted to but not to tell her. I won't do that to her. If it comes to that then we need to divorce.
This sound like she doesn't want to have a good sex life with you, she just wants you to be satisfied so you wont leave it her. No woman that really loves, or desires their man sexually, mentally, emotionally would tell them to go get a happy ending. The thought of another woman touching my DH sexually upsets me greatly. I want to give him his happy endings.

Is she finacial dependant on you, does she have a fear of being alone?

Without her going to see a sex therapist to address some of her issues she sounds like she will be content to continue with the bad sex, as you are not asking for it very often and to bury her head in the sand while you go to massage parlours for happy endings.

The only question is do you want to live like that for the rest of your life?
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post #84 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 12:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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Originally Posted by Keke24 View Post
Hey OP, here's another site I came across where women talk about experiencing similar issues: perineum cuts after sex - Women's Health - MedHelp.

One lady mentioned the use of dilators combined with massage to prep before penetration and another said her doc gave her a cream to treat the irritation. I think it would be good to share this kind of info with your wife so she can stop feeling so crappy about her piv experiences. It may help her learn more about her body.
Thank you for that. I'll show it to her. Hopefully it will help her.
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post #85 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 12:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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This sound like she doesn't want to have a good sex life with you, she just wants you to be satisfied so you wont leave it her. No woman that really loves, or desires their man sexually, mentally, emotionally would tell them to go get a happy ending. The thought of another woman touching my DH sexually upsets me greatly. I want to give him his happy endings.

Is she finacial dependant on you, does she have a fear of being alone?

Without her going to see a sex therapist to address some of her issues she sounds like she will be content to continue with the bad sex, as you are not asking for it very often and to bury her head in the sand while you go to massage parlours for happy endings.

The only question is do you want to live like that for the rest of your life?
I think she has just given up, TBH. The first years of our marriage she never mentioned that or would have. She thought those types of places were disgusting, she hated how many people I had been with and was jealous of that. She didn't want me to spend time around women I've had sex with. In the last year or so she's gotten over that, and started suggesting this.

I am not going to do it. Though there is a part of me that almost thinks she would be relieved. No more pressure/stress on her. Sometimes I wonder if I should lie and say I tried it, then take care of myself. I am not getting anything from another woman while I'm married. I vowed to be faithful to her and I'm not breaking that. Occasionally the insecure part of me wonders if she's getting her needs met elsewhere, especially in the last year. But I don't think that's likely.

I can suggest a sex therapist to her. We have never discussed that. I see them more as people there to help rape victims and the like. Maybe it's something to look into for her/us.

She is not financially dependent on me. She has a good job and we're about equal in terms of salary. There is no real reason for her to feel like she HAS to stay with me. All I can think of is that she wants kids and being in her mid 30's, doesn't exactly have time to find a new husband and have kids. She has always been adamant that she didn't want kids after 35-36, which is right around the corner.
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post #86 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 12:34 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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She does still go to the doctor yearly for tests. I will have her look into those suggestions. Maybe a new doctor is needed. She has seen 2-3 different ones but maybe they missed something.
Also try this as it can not hurt. Go get an over-the-counter blood glucose testing device (they are now about $9 in walmart) and check your wife's blood sugar throughout the day and see where it is.

In the event her blood sugar is abnormally high, this adds a tremendous amount of stress on her reproductive system. She may not have a yeast infection, but her immune system that keeps everything in check may not be able to function normally. This could result in a constant imbalance of her natural bacteria that cause her to be chronically irritated.

It can not hurt to check her blood sugar and find out that it is normal. You can also check your blood sugar as well. The chance one of you would discover that there is a problem would drastically improve you ability to begin making some lifestyle changes and become much more healthy.

As a side note, I do not know what kind of lube you are using, but if you have never tried coconut oil (the kind you buy at the grocery store to cook with) to help alleviate some of her issues, you should definitely try that. Apply some regularly to her, even if you have to do so in a nonsexual context. This should help her not feel so irritated and perhaps help that area of her body to become more healthy and receptive to normal lovemaking.

The two of you should read up on coconut oil and the vagina together. You can find all sorts of testimonials about it all over the internet. If she suffers from any type of imbalance that causes irritation, this should help.

Regards,
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post #87 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 03:10 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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I have mixed feelings about her desire to wait until marriage to have sex. She thought that if we had a solid relationship first, then introduced sex it would be better. She said she didn't want sex to ruin the relationship. In the beginning we were only going to wait a few months, and it kept getting pushed back. It did bother me that she had sex with other men (I didn't know the number until after we were married, didn't care to know), even men she didn't know but wouldn't do it with me. I loved her, I wanted her to be comfortable and in my head she was worth the wait. I wouldn't do it again. I think there was a part of her that thought if we were married I'd stay regardless.
This is a terrible sign. To her, sex is not something pleasurable that binds a couple together. To her, sex is about power and control. Anyone who says they don't want sex to ruin the relationship and then does not want to hump like a bunny once they get married has a very negative view on sex. The only "good" reason for the other person to want to defer sex is because the person knows they love sex so much that once they start having it, they will become emotionally bonded to their partner. So they want to get to know their partner before sex becomes its own bonding agent. But that is not your wife, because even after you got married she still did not want much sex with you.

I strongly suspect she has been molested as a child, raped, or been the victim of some other form of sexual assault. Or was brought up in a family where sex was treated as being bad and wrong and evil. It will take ALOT of work on her part to overcome that negative programming. it will not be fun for her. She has to want it for herself, because she wants to enjoy sex with her husband. If she does it just to keep you form leaving she will likely resent you even more for making her go through that painful process.

I feel for you. No painless choices here. You have to fish or cut bait. Which means she has to fish or cut bait. You are a caring person and you hate having to make this choice, and make her make this choice. Sorry, there is no way to avoid it if you don't want to spend the rest of your life learning to hate her more and more every day.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #88 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 03:38 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

This is baffling to me. It appears that the sex is bad due to technique, (potential medical issues aside). If my wife would do to me what your wife did to you in the kitchen- It would have put a smile on my face for a year.

Some folks say sex is 100% between the ears, however, I suspect that it is more of a ratio, maybe 75% mental and 25% physical. Different in every relationship, of course.
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post #89 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 04:13 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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This is baffling to me. It appears that the sex is bad due to technique, (potential medical issues aside). If my wife would do to me what your wife did to you in the kitchen- It would have put a smile on my face for a year.

Some folks say sex is 100% between the ears, however, I suspect that it is more of a ratio, maybe 75% mental and 25% physical. Different in every relationship, of course.
I know it must be hard for those in sexless relationships or who go without certain acts to understand, but unfulfilling, unsatisfying, or just plain bad sex can be just as frustrating and miserable as nothing at all.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #90 of 98 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 05:11 PM
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Re: Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage

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This is baffling to me. It appears that the sex is bad due to technique, (potential medical issues aside). If my wife would do to me what your wife did to you in the kitchen- It would have put a smile on my face for a year.

Some folks say sex is 100% between the ears, however, I suspect that it is more of a ratio, maybe 75% mental and 25% physical. Different in every relationship, of course.
I agree x10. I think OP is lucky from all the things his wife does for him. If my wife attempted any of this stuff he's telling us I'd be doing cartwheels for weeks and I can't even do a cartwheel. On top of all this he says she smoking hot.

She pretty much does everything! OP I'd say try to keep working with her and eventually it should sync. Someone mention dance lesson that's a great start. My wife and I took some and it's fun.

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