Originally Posted by FORTIFIEDORANGE View Post
So this is my first post.
My wife and i have been married for about 5 years. we have kids, and we have sex 4-6 times a month on average.
my wife gives off this vibe that she doesn't care about sex or even really like it. She always kind of has had this vibe for a long time now, i can't really remember her really being very passionate about it since we met. I've had a few past lovers that were very passionate about it, would initiate it, would have multiple orgasms, enjoyed receiving oral, would make out with me for long time before, would have a lot of foreplay etc.
The frequency of the sex is not my concern, it is the lack of passion. I am not sure why it is this way or how to fix it.
I've voiced my concern to my wife but it seems to backfire or just cause more issues.
During sex it sort of goes like this: "hey, lets have sex" after the kids are in bed, or there is just an unspoken acknowledgement that it is our routine time since it's been 5 days, so she rolls over onto her side of the bed, takes her panties off and says "ok lets get this over quickly".
She never wants to talk about sex, or anything, and weirdly she seldom lets me kiss her or make out with her. I've offered to give her oral, she doesn't like it, she doesnt like to get on top, doesn't like much other than reverse missionary or standard. We have sex in the shower sometimes.
I don't know if she is afraid to show she enjoys sex. the lack of making out or other affection is more bothersome to me though. It seems silly to care about it, but it bothers me. It feels like i am not getting a full feeling of love.
That's a rough one, man.
Sex with my ex wife was extremely similar to this for the last 8 or so years we were together. Before that, it was fairly normal (initiation and interest-wise). Right down to the vibrator usage when I wasn't around. Everything was very clinical, like how you describe. It wasn't like that for many years before. Once we got married and started living together (6 years after starting to date), it started going downhill. No kids, btw.
One of the things that stands out to me is the 'no kissing'. This started happening around this time, as well. It kind of just stopped. We use to kiss and make out, especially during sex, all the time. Then we didn't. At one point, much later in the relationship, she flat out said that I wasn't a good kisser. Okay.
But kissing is very intimate, and not always sexual, so that raised red flags for me (that was the beginning of it for me, when I started to pay more attention to what was happening). Kissing, even more than sex, is what people do in a relationship. You can have sex with somebody you don't love (or even like all that much, I suppose) and it can be solely for the sake of having sex and getting off. Kissing (making out), however, is that real dividing line, IMO. If there's no passionate kissing or making out (especially during sex), there's a real issue there.
Unfortunately, my ex wife liked sex - just not with me. Eventually things went that way, and that's why she's my ex wife. At some point, she lost whatever passion she had for me, and sex became something we just did a couple of times a week. If she actually wanted to get off, she did it herself. Otherwise, sex was for my benefit, I guess. We never recovered.
That's what your story sounds like, to me. I could be wrong. She may simply not be interested in sex. The masturbation may simply be another clinical thing she does (need for an orgasm, it's quick and easy). Not all needs for an orgasm are borne out of horniness.
If I had a time machine, I would go back and more fully realize what was happening with my ex wife and I. Luckily, you are aware of it in the midst of it happening (and also have a place like this to come to for advice). My excuse was that I had little experience, sexually, was fairly young, and probably thought that married sex was normal like that. Therefore I didn't really talk to her about it.
If I could, I would. At that time, I very much loved her, and didn't fully realize the implications of her withdrawal from sex with me. I would have communicated my concern to her, and attempted to get to the bottom of it.
The thing is, it's rarely sexual. It can be, of course, but more often than not, it just isn't.
I think it's time for a sit-down with your wife. Something's changed, in the way she views you, and it's manifesting in this way. And sex is usually the first thing that suffers. My ex wife still acted as though she loved me for several years after our sex life started to dwindle. I don't think she
realized she was falling/had fallen out of love with me. Or she did, and didn't want to face it or acknowledge it.