It sounds like to me that she is not being sexually satisfied when you guys have sex and since she gets nothing out of it she sees it as a chore. Either she feels like you can't please her, or she feels you are unwilliging to try to please her or she is too shy and uncomfortable talking about sex she doesn't know how to tell you what she needs to get off during sex. Considering that way you talk about your wife's use of her vibrator I'm going to say that it's probably because she is too shy.
A lot of woman can't seem to find the words or the nerve to tell their husband what the like or want from sex. Maybe she doesn't even really know herself what it's going to take. I can't get myself off with my vibrator pretty quickly, but when it comes to my DH giving me oral I really have no words or confidence to tell him what I want him to do. It's like I can't seem to explain what I need, which is why I tend to only orgasm less than 50% of the time which leaves me sexually frustrated and not overly enthusiastic for the next time. Yet again this not all my DH'S fault as I am struggling to communicate with him, and when I do comminucate he struggles to understand me.
I would recommend a sex therapist, as they seem to have helped people on this board. I live in a remote, small town where good qualified sex therapist are not easy to come by or I would be going with my husband as well.
All the best.
she has told me she struggles with orgasms. The one time she used a vibrator on herself with me she had an orgasm but it seemed very subtle. I've been with girls before who would cum easily and it was pertty obvious, lots of physical contractions, flush skin etc..
when we have sex in the shower sometimes she'll use the shower head thing on her clit, and when she does she gets super embarrassed and doesn't want me to watch her.
So i am thinking she is shamed of it for some reason.
She and i are not super athletic shape, i find my wife incredibly sexy and tell her that all the time, but we are obviosuly 2 married people with kids, so we have some tiny bit of belly fat on us, and we are not exactly in perfect movie star shape, and even if she was i think she'd still be self concious of looks as all people are. However, i don't think she is shy about being naked around me, we are pretty open about htat. I think the issue is she is affraid to have an orgasm in front of me.
My other concern is what if she is thinkin about someone else, maybe some past lover and she doesn't want to do that aound me?
I'll admit, after we have sex, 15 mins later i'll go rub one out because i am so turned on after having sex and thinking about sex, but obviously she'd never want to go at it again. which is odd, because if she was not getting pleasure you'd think she'd at least let me try. she has let me go down on her maybe a handful of times in 7 years. She seems to get distracted when i do it and can't focus and has me stop, i don't get tired, she just says 'ok lets just do it'.
I also suspect, and i don't know why this would be the case, but it might be possible she wants me to feel like she doesn't like sex. I haven't got a clue why one would do that, but perhaps to punish me somehow or have a dominance over me? she is very dominating or tries to be, not submissive at all. Maybe she doesn't want to give up the power and have me feel empowered by pleasing her?
because when she wants sex, she'll never do anything to initiate it, but she obviously want's sex because she'll drop hints. But she tries to pretend like she doesn't.
She also makes me use lube, even though she is super wet too, not sure why, i even pretend to put it on sometimes. So that kind of leads credence to that theory.
She literally wants no contact of me on her though. She doesn't let me kiss her hardly at all, doesn't want me touching her breast, she likes her backed rubbed and doesn't mind me touching her anywhere else. the breast thing was due to beast feeding which i get, that wasn't always that way.
But more of me thinks this is her being affraid to give empower me by allowing me to please her.
I know when i was younger it was almost impossible for me to cum from a blow job or sex because i was super nervous and shy, most guys that probably causes premature ejaculation, for mei just couldnt get off either when i was like 16 for hte longest time. so maybe she has some issue like that? My issue was i was just insecure and shy.
As for the physics of the sex:
she seems to like it when i am thrusting up and down to stimulate her clitoris, she grabs onto me tight when i do that and makes moans. so if she was trying to show dissatisfaction that doesn't make sense to my above theory. once in a while (only if tired or not feeling well she will say to hurry), she sometimes likes to do it doggy style, but that way she says it hurts sometimes but won't tell me what to do to make it not hurt, and if i ask she gets frustrated.
We've tried vibrator ring things but they d on't fit on very well, too tight and hurt me, and thne they just feel awkward to her. This was a few years ago she tried that and gave up.
she has told me she struggles to cum even with a vibrator on her own though. So i think it might be psychological somewhere. not sure why.
maybe she has lost hope that it will happen?
I am not thinking i am physically inadequate, i can keep a good rythm for 10-12 mins, as thats how long it takes me if i am hurrying as she usually doesnt want me taking longer. I cannot comment on my physical appearance but i don't think she'd marry me if she thought i was ugly, i am not some super male model but i am not horribly ugly or out ofshape lol.
my equipment functions, 99.99% of the time it works fine, like all men of any age at times it can go limp if tired for a min then get back in the grove. The only time that happens is when she says something totally discouraging, i had a ton of alcohol, super tired or she randomly talks about stressful crap during sex. brings up chores around the house or complains about something, obviously i'd get turned off. probably twice a year i lose a hard on for a few seconds. granted this is only when she has 0 enthusiasm.
so i don't have issues with ED, premature EJ, like most guys i've measured myself and its well above average so not thinking that is an issue.
I definitely think this could be related to psychological issues, maybe she doesn't find me that good looking as much as someone else in the past? Maybe she just had better sex in the past because of her emotional state was better and she remembers that emotional state now? and misses the state? Maybe she resents me because i am never good enough with the kids as i work a lot, i don't do enough around the house? She doesn't work, i work 50 hours a week, so she knows she does more house work, i never resent her for spending money, i do tell her to keep an eye on it to not be stupid with it but i never tell her she cant have anything.
Also back to the psychology, most women i know like to splurge and buy things for themselves, my wife never does. Maybe she has some shame or guilt about pleasing herself?