we have sex but it lacks passion - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 01:11 PM Thread Starter
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we have sex but it lacks passion

So this is my first post.
My wife and i have been married for about 5 years. we have kids, and we have sex 4-6 times a month on average.

my wife gives off this vibe that she doesn't care about sex or even really like it. She always kind of has had this vibe for a long time now, i can't really remember her really being very passionate about it since we met. I've had a few past lovers that were very passionate about it, would initiate it, would have multiple orgasms, enjoyed receiving oral, would make out with me for long time before, would have a lot of foreplay etc.

The frequency of the sex is not my concern, it is the lack of passion. I am not sure why it is this way or how to fix it.

I've voiced my concern to my wife but it seems to backfire or just cause more issues.

During sex it sort of goes like this: "hey, lets have sex" after the kids are in bed, or there is just an unspoken acknowledgement that it is our routine time since it's been 5 days, so she rolls over onto her side of the bed, takes her panties off and says "ok lets get this over quickly".

She never wants to talk about sex, or anything, and weirdly she seldom lets me kiss her or make out with her. I've offered to give her oral, she doesn't like it, she doesnt like to get on top, doesn't like much other than reverse missionary or standard. We have sex in the shower sometimes.

I don't know if she is afraid to show she enjoys sex. the lack of making out or other affection is more bothersome to me though. It seems silly to care about it, but it bothers me. It feels like i am not getting a full feeling of love.


She will occasionally give me oral, she offers it to me on occasion, and then we finish with intercourse. Maybe a few times a year she will. She is great at it, and i love it, but it's not what i am feeling i am misisng, i don't feel a lack of pleasure on me, i feel a lack of reception or acceptance of her wanting me. I don't want some sex slave, i want someone to mutually please each other. I feel rejected by her since she shows little interest and doesn't let me give her orgasms or even allows me to try.

since she gets upset if i talk about sex, i have no clue whats going on in her head. I don't think she gets off, as i dont feel that she is, but honestly it is to the point where she wouldnt tell me one way or other anyways so i have no idea.

she does initiate at times by saying "ok lets have sex" but there is no physical initiation, no romance etc..

If i try coming on to her and it's not like some perfect timing of when we should she gets upset.

So then i thought, maybe she just has sex to satify me as if it were a chore, as she literally said its like a chore for her. Maybe she has low sex drive?

Well she has a vibrator thing she masturbates with, but only when i am not around. she won't admit to it, i can just tell it is being used and only gets moved when i am not home and no one is home. She isn't having an affair, and has no interest in having one, but i feel like she almost has no connection to me and is connected to herself or just wants to get herself off for some reason.

Once we had sex and she used the vibrator on herself but she seemed embarased by it, i thought it was totally cool and was encouraging it. if thats the only way she can get off, then by all means use the thing as i know women are built differently and need stronger stimulus at times. When she used her toy on herself, she didnt want to be touched by me or anything though which was odd, i didn't say much about it, but she seemed embarassed by it. I also felt more of a connection to her because i didn't feel like i was being left out.

I think the problem is that she doesn't want to open up to me, and that bothers me, and i know she is lying about using this when i am not around, which she doesn't know that i know for sure she uses it, though she suspects it i think.



So not sure what to do here:
We have kids, i send kids to her parents house once in a while, we have nights alone, but she rather watch tv at times. I am also partially guilty as i'll go play xbox, or work on my car sometimes as i get no other guilt free time when the kids are around. My kids are 1 and 6, so it's not like they can go out on there own, and they need constant attention. I constantly play with them etc..

We haven't had really many romantic evenings recently. Maybe try taking her out? the last few times i took her out she got too drunk and didn't want to be physical with me after.
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post #2 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 01:46 PM
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Re: we have sex but it lacks passion

It sounds like to me that she is not being sexually satisfied when you guys have sex and since she gets nothing out of it she sees it as a chore. Either she feels like you can't please her, or she feels you are unwilliging to try to please her or she is too shy and uncomfortable talking about sex she doesn't know how to tell you what she needs to get off during sex. Considering that way you talk about your wife's use of her vibrator I'm going to say that it's probably because she is too shy.

A lot of woman can't seem to find the words or the nerve to tell their husband what the like or want from sex. Maybe she doesn't even really know herself what it's going to take. I can't get myself off with my vibrator pretty quickly, but when it comes to my DH giving me oral I really have no words or confidence to tell him what I want him to do. It's like I can't seem to explain what I need, which is why I tend to only orgasm less than 50% of the time which leaves me sexually frustrated and not overly enthusiastic for the next time. Yet again this not all my DH'S fault as I am struggling to communicate with him, and when I do comminucate he struggles to understand me.

I would recommend a sex therapist, as they seem to have helped people on this board. I live in a remote, small town where good qualified sex therapist are not easy to come by or I would be going with my husband as well.

All the best.
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post #3 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 01:54 PM
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Re: we have sex but it lacks passion

How many children do you have? How old are they?

How old are you and your wife?

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you doing date-like things that you both enjoy?

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post #4 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 01:56 PM
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Re: we have sex but it lacks passion

For whatever reason your wife has shut down communications with you regarding her sexuality. She is either dealing with shame, inadequacy, anxiety or guilt.

You'll probably need to go to therapy and allow her to have a few sessions alone so that she can have someone help her understand what is going on with her feelings and why.

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post #5 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 02:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: we have sex but it lacks passion

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How many children do you have? How old are they?

How old are you and your wife?

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you doing date-like things that you both enjoy?
I work from home, I am physically home almost all the time. I work a lot of hours, about 50 hours a week from home. I go to the office once a week usually on average. My kids are 1 and 6. Son is 1, but he is very clingy. he almost can't sleep on his own. Daughter is 6 and she is pretty independent, easy to handle.

I am 31 and my wife is 37.

date like things we enjoy, we usually watch a movie at home, go out to eat at a nice restaurant and go to the movies or watch a movie at home after. We might get one weekend a month where the kids go to her parents at most, sometimes 2 in a month.

She likes to read a lot, and is not that out going, i am the more outgoing one.

we share all the same tv shows and movies we like to watch adn talk about together. we like spending time with kids together.

However, my wife has zero interest in my hobbies, and the few things she does to entertain herself are solo activities like reading, even video games she does.

Neither of us watch sports much.

We went to France together a couple of years ago without kids.

She is always stressed out and has a lot of anxiety about house work. She also is a smoker, and if she is out of cigarettes she has massive rages.
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post #6 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 02:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: we have sex but it lacks passion

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For whatever reason your wife has shut down communications with you regarding her sexuality. She is either dealing with shame, inadequacy, anxiety or guilt.

You'll probably need to go to therapy and allow her to have a few sessions alone so that she can have someone help her understand what is going on with her feelings and why.

Badsanta
thats what i am thinking, but not sure why.

i remember when i met her, we were pretty open about discussing things, but after a while she shut down. I do think it is worthwhile to note that when we met she was going through a rough patch in life. her biological father passed away, and she was in an on and off relationship with someone else, nothing serious no marriage not living togehter etc.. she seemed to be infatuated with that guy when i met her still though but she liked me too.
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post #7 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 02:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: we have sex but it lacks passion

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It sounds like to me that she is not being sexually satisfied when you guys have sex and since she gets nothing out of it she sees it as a chore. Either she feels like you can't please her, or she feels you are unwilliging to try to please her or she is too shy and uncomfortable talking about sex she doesn't know how to tell you what she needs to get off during sex. Considering that way you talk about your wife's use of her vibrator I'm going to say that it's probably because she is too shy.

A lot of woman can't seem to find the words or the nerve to tell their husband what the like or want from sex. Maybe she doesn't even really know herself what it's going to take. I can't get myself off with my vibrator pretty quickly, but when it comes to my DH giving me oral I really have no words or confidence to tell him what I want him to do. It's like I can't seem to explain what I need, which is why I tend to only orgasm less than 50% of the time which leaves me sexually frustrated and not overly enthusiastic for the next time. Yet again this not all my DH'S fault as I am struggling to communicate with him, and when I do comminucate he struggles to understand me.

I would recommend a sex therapist, as they seem to have helped people on this board. I live in a remote, small town where good qualified sex therapist are not easy to come by or I would be going with my husband as well.

All the best.
she has told me she struggles with orgasms. The one time she used a vibrator on herself with me she had an orgasm but it seemed very subtle. I've been with girls before who would cum easily and it was pertty obvious, lots of physical contractions, flush skin etc..

when we have sex in the shower sometimes she'll use the shower head thing on her clit, and when she does she gets super embarrassed and doesn't want me to watch her.

So i am thinking she is shamed of it for some reason.

She and i are not super athletic shape, i find my wife incredibly sexy and tell her that all the time, but we are obviosuly 2 married people with kids, so we have some tiny bit of belly fat on us, and we are not exactly in perfect movie star shape, and even if she was i think she'd still be self concious of looks as all people are. However, i don't think she is shy about being naked around me, we are pretty open about htat. I think the issue is she is affraid to have an orgasm in front of me.

My other concern is what if she is thinkin about someone else, maybe some past lover and she doesn't want to do that aound me?

I'll admit, after we have sex, 15 mins later i'll go rub one out because i am so turned on after having sex and thinking about sex, but obviously she'd never want to go at it again. which is odd, because if she was not getting pleasure you'd think she'd at least let me try. she has let me go down on her maybe a handful of times in 7 years. She seems to get distracted when i do it and can't focus and has me stop, i don't get tired, she just says 'ok lets just do it'.


I also suspect, and i don't know why this would be the case, but it might be possible she wants me to feel like she doesn't like sex. I haven't got a clue why one would do that, but perhaps to punish me somehow or have a dominance over me? she is very dominating or tries to be, not submissive at all. Maybe she doesn't want to give up the power and have me feel empowered by pleasing her?

because when she wants sex, she'll never do anything to initiate it, but she obviously want's sex because she'll drop hints. But she tries to pretend like she doesn't.
She also makes me use lube, even though she is super wet too, not sure why, i even pretend to put it on sometimes. So that kind of leads credence to that theory.

She literally wants no contact of me on her though. She doesn't let me kiss her hardly at all, doesn't want me touching her breast, she likes her backed rubbed and doesn't mind me touching her anywhere else. the breast thing was due to beast feeding which i get, that wasn't always that way.

But more of me thinks this is her being affraid to give empower me by allowing me to please her.


I know when i was younger it was almost impossible for me to cum from a blow job or sex because i was super nervous and shy, most guys that probably causes premature ejaculation, for mei just couldnt get off either when i was like 16 for hte longest time. so maybe she has some issue like that? My issue was i was just insecure and shy.


As for the physics of the sex:
she seems to like it when i am thrusting up and down to stimulate her clitoris, she grabs onto me tight when i do that and makes moans. so if she was trying to show dissatisfaction that doesn't make sense to my above theory. once in a while (only if tired or not feeling well she will say to hurry), she sometimes likes to do it doggy style, but that way she says it hurts sometimes but won't tell me what to do to make it not hurt, and if i ask she gets frustrated.

We've tried vibrator ring things but they d on't fit on very well, too tight and hurt me, and thne they just feel awkward to her. This was a few years ago she tried that and gave up.

she has told me she struggles to cum even with a vibrator on her own though. So i think it might be psychological somewhere. not sure why.

maybe she has lost hope that it will happen?


I am not thinking i am physically inadequate, i can keep a good rythm for 10-12 mins, as thats how long it takes me if i am hurrying as she usually doesnt want me taking longer. I cannot comment on my physical appearance but i don't think she'd marry me if she thought i was ugly, i am not some super male model but i am not horribly ugly or out ofshape lol.

my equipment functions, 99.99% of the time it works fine, like all men of any age at times it can go limp if tired for a min then get back in the grove. The only time that happens is when she says something totally discouraging, i had a ton of alcohol, super tired or she randomly talks about stressful crap during sex. brings up chores around the house or complains about something, obviously i'd get turned off. probably twice a year i lose a hard on for a few seconds. granted this is only when she has 0 enthusiasm.
so i don't have issues with ED, premature EJ, like most guys i've measured myself and its well above average so not thinking that is an issue.

I definitely think this could be related to psychological issues, maybe she doesn't find me that good looking as much as someone else in the past? Maybe she just had better sex in the past because of her emotional state was better and she remembers that emotional state now? and misses the state? Maybe she resents me because i am never good enough with the kids as i work a lot, i don't do enough around the house? She doesn't work, i work 50 hours a week, so she knows she does more house work, i never resent her for spending money, i do tell her to keep an eye on it to not be stupid with it but i never tell her she cant have anything.


Also back to the psychology, most women i know like to splurge and buy things for themselves, my wife never does. Maybe she has some shame or guilt about pleasing herself?

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post #8 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 02:43 PM
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Re: we have sex but it lacks passion

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She is always stressed out and has a lot of anxiety about house work. She also is a smoker, and if she is out of cigarettes she has massive rages.
Buy her a machine so she can roll her own cigarettes.



and some empty tubes:



Buy quality tobacco in bulk, or enjoy growing your own if you live in the country. She will finally get to enjoy smoking some quality tobacco and since she is rolling her own there are zero taxes because she is no longer buying cigarettes in a way that are regulated.

With the money you save, you will now be able to more than afford a maid as it will cost you less than $1 a pack this way. But do NOT make them for anyone other than yourself or you will end up with a swat team ascending on your home!

Your welcome!

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post #9 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 03:26 PM
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Re: we have sex but it lacks passion

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I work from home, I am physically home almost all the time. I work a lot of hours, about 50 hours a week from home. I go to the office once a week usually on average. My kids are 1 and 6. Son is 1, but he is very clingy. he almost can't sleep on his own. Daughter is 6 and she is pretty independent, easy to handle.

I am 31 and my wife is 37.

date like things we enjoy, we usually watch a movie at home, go out to eat at a nice restaurant and go to the movies or watch a movie at home after. We might get one weekend a month where the kids go to her parents at most, sometimes 2 in a month.

She likes to read a lot, and is not that out going, i am the more outgoing one.

we share all the same tv shows and movies we like to watch adn talk about together. we like spending time with kids together.

However, my wife has zero interest in my hobbies, and the few things she does to entertain herself are solo activities like reading, even video games she does.

Neither of us watch sports much.

We went to France together a couple of years ago without kids.

She is always stressed out and has a lot of anxiety about house work. She also is a smoker, and if she is out of cigarettes she has massive rages.
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I work from home, I am physically home almost all the time. I work a lot of hours, about 50 hours a week from home. I go to the office once a week usually on average. My kids are 1 and 6. Son is 1, but he is very clingy. he almost can't sleep on his own. Daughter is 6 and she is pretty independent, easy to handle.
If you son cannot sleep on his own, where does he sleep? Who sleeps with him?

Your son needs to be broken of this. Some children are demanding about not sleeping alone. And their parents give in. He’s manipulating the two of you. And yes a 1 year old can figure out how to do this very easily.
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date like things we enjoy, we usually watch a movie at home, go out to eat at a nice restaurant and go to the movies or watch a movie at home after. We might get one weekend a month where the kids go to her parents at most, sometimes 2 in a month.
we share all the same tv shows and movies we like to watch adn talk about together.
Movies and TV do not count as quality time. Date-like means that you are concentrating on each other. When you watch movies & TV you are concentrating on the show.

When you talk about the shows, that bit might count. But how much do the two of you just talk about the thinks you think, dream of, your desires, etc?

So basically the two of you spend very little quality, date-like time together.
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we like spending time with kids together.
Of course you do. You both love your children. But that’s not quality/date-like time with our wife. It’s time when you two are concentrating on your children, not each other. It does not count towards the time tougher, JUST THE TWO OF YOU.
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However, my wife has zero interest in my hobbies, and the few things she does to entertain herself are solo activities like reading, even video games she does.
The two of you need to find something that you enjoy doing together. She can have her hobbies, but you two need at least one thing you do together.
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We went to France together a couple of years ago without kids.
That’s great! But now it’s been 2 years since the two of you went off somewhere, just the two of you? Not good.
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She is always stressed out and has a lot of anxiety about house work.
So she does not like to do house work. I don’t blame her. A surprisingly large number of people (usually women because usually women get stuck with housework) hate housework and are flustered by it. There is a website I like that helps a person learn to simplify their housework, www. Flylady.com Maybe she could try out their system and make it easier for her.

How does she do when it comes to taking care of children.

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She also is a smoker, and if she is out of cigarettes she has massive rages.
The rages are uncool. Not good at all. But it’s not surprise that someone who has an addiction gets upset when they cannot get their substance. I find the way you put this to be very odd. How do you not know that a person who is addicted to nicotine needs their nicotine fix and if they don’t get it, they will react badly. Surely you know this.

Why does she run out of cigarettes?

You might want to consider talking to her about using an e-cig. I know a lot of people who switched to them and now would not touch a tobacco cigarette. And most of them used the e-cig to stop smoking by stepping down the nicotine level over time. Also e-cigs cost a lot less than cigarettes.

Is there anything about your wife that does not annoy you? Just wondering what those things might be.

There is an old saying that I think works in your situation “A woman needs a reason to for having sex. A man just needs a place.” It’s a bit simplistic but I think it gets the idea across. Most women have an emotional need for non-sexual intimacy before they can have a real desire to have sex (sexual intimacy). There virtually no non-sexual intimacy in your relationship.

You want your wife to have passion about your sex life. Yet there is no passion outside the sex-life between the two of you. That’s not going to work. And that’s most likely why you have what you have.

A couple needs to spend a minimum of 15 hours a week together, just the two of you doing things together that are date-like. Things that are better than TV/movies: A walk in the park holding hands and talk. Spending 1-2 hours each night together cuddling and talking, or having tea (or wine or whatever) with a snack or desert and talking. Cuddling in bed, on the couch, etc. counts. Any date or activity where you are engaged with each other and no one else is with you counts.

Usually couples spend 1-2 hours together after the children are in bed. Then one or two long dates every weekend.

There are some books that I think would go a long way to help you. Read them together and do the work that they suggest. And read them in the order listed.

Love Busters & His Needs, Her Needs (see links in my signature block below)

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel (Author)

Do that and you will most likely have turned this around.

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post #10 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 03:32 PM
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Re: we have sex but it lacks passion

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Also back to the psychology, most women i know like to splurge and buy things for themselves, my wife never does. Maybe she has some shame or guilt about pleasing herself?
Did your wife work before you married her? Did she support herself?

Does she work now? If now when did she quit working?

How involved is she with managing the money now?

A lot of women are actually frugal. Your wife might just be one of them.

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post #11 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 04:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: we have sex but it lacks passion

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Did your wife work before you married her? Did she support herself?

Does she work now? If now when did she quit working?

How involved is she with managing the money now?

A lot of women are actually frugal. Your wife might just be one of them.
she worked prior to marriage, had her own house. She stopped working after our daughter was born and hasn't worked since. She is very frugal, she had a nice new focus when we met so not an insanely over the top car but it was a nice car, had nice clothes, a few purses but by no means a kardashian self indulger which is what i like. I don't like girls who feel th ey need 10 lbs of make up to look pretty, so she gives off an allurge of high self confidence with appearance but she does complain about weight, i think everyone does though so thats normal.
so i dont think she is physically insecure with looks.


i make a lot of money so money isn't a real issue, though i like to not be stupid with it. so basically she has a credit card and can do whatever she wants, she does the utility bills as i hate doing that, i do all the other bills mortgage etc. Basically if she spends on groceries, kids stuff etc on her credit card and if it's under 3k a month i am not worried. I did yell at her once for spending a hundred dollars on a stupid game on the iphone once and then told her to also keep it under control when we had a 4,500 credit card bill one month and she got a little defensive. i spend a lot of money on my hobbies so i let her have her way with it, but i also get mad atm yself when i blow money too. for the most part i am super liberal with her spending though i dont really care as long as we aren't doing stupid stuff. 99% of it is stuff from amazon that is for the kids and groceries.
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post #12 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 04:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: we have sex but it lacks passion

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If you son cannot sleep on his own, where does he sleep? Who sleeps with him?

Your son needs to be broken of this. Some children are demanding about not sleeping alone. And their parents give in. Heís manipulating the two of you. And yes a 1 year old can figure out how to do this very easily.

Movies and TV do not count as quality time. Date-like means that you are concentrating on each other. When you watch movies & TV you are concentrating on the show.

When you talk about the shows, that bit might count. But how much do the two of you just talk about the thinks you think, dream of, your desires, etc?

So basically the two of you spend very little quality, date-like time together.

Of course you do. You both love your children. But thatís not quality/date-like time with our wife. Itís time when you two are concentrating on your children, not each other. It does not count towards the time tougher, JUST THE TWO OF YOU.



The two of you need to find something that you enjoy doing together. She can have her hobbies, but you two need at least one thing you do together.

Thatís great! But now itís been 2 years since the two of you went off somewhere, just the two of you? Not good.

So she does not like to do house work. I donít blame her. A surprisingly large number of people (usually women because usually women get stuck with housework) hate housework and are flustered by it. There is a website I like that helps a person learn to simplify their housework, www. Flylady.com Maybe she could try out their system and make it easier for her.

How does she do when it comes to taking care of children.


The rages are uncool. Not good at all. But itís not surprise that someone who has an addiction gets upset when they cannot get their substance. I find the way you put this to be very odd. How do you not know that a person who is addicted to nicotine needs their nicotine fix and if they donít get it, they will react badly. Surely you know this.

Why does she run out of cigarettes?

You might want to consider talking to her about using an e-cig. I know a lot of people who switched to them and now would not touch a tobacco cigarette. And most of them used the e-cig to stop smoking by stepping down the nicotine level over time. Also e-cigs cost a lot less than cigarettes.

Is there anything about your wife that does not annoy you? Just wondering what those things might be.

There is an old saying that I think works in your situation ďA woman needs a reason to for having sex. A man just needs a place.Ē Itís a bit simplistic but I think it gets the idea across. Most women have an emotional need for non-sexual intimacy before they can have a real desire to have sex (sexual intimacy). There virtually no non-sexual intimacy in your relationship.

You want your wife to have passion about your sex life. Yet there is no passion outside the sex-life between the two of you. Thatís not going to work. And thatís most likely why you have what you have.

A couple needs to spend a minimum of 15 hours a week together, just the two of you doing things together that are date-like. Things that are better than TV/movies: A walk in the park holding hands and talk. Spending 1-2 hours each night together cuddling and talking, or having tea (or wine or whatever) with a snack or desert and talking. Cuddling in bed, on the couch, etc. counts. Any date or activity where you are engaged with each other and no one else is with you counts.

Usually couples spend 1-2 hours together after the children are in bed. Then one or two long dates every weekend.

There are some books that I think would go a long way to help you. Read them together and do the work that they suggest. And read them in the order listed.

Love Busters & His Needs, Her Needs (see links in my signature block below)

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel (Author)

Do that and you will most likely have turned this around.

I think you hit the nail on the head with the lack of interaction with each other. We need more activities together.


Our son sleeps in his own room but my wife has to rock him for an hour straight, i agree he is manipulating her. I try to go in there but he only wants momma. He is very demanding for just mom. Daughter prefers me for story and bed time.

Kids go to bed at around 8:30 pm. The pets wake my wife up at 7 am wanting food, daughter goes to school at 8:30 so my wife has to be up by 7:00. Wife goes to bed at 9:30 after kids are in bed and doesn't want to do anything but watch tv and lay there or go to sleep, or listen to music.

before we had kids we'd go on long walks with the dogs, can't just leave the house when kids are asleep. I think that's illegal.

Before we moved we had a baby sitter and did more dinner and a movie type dates, sometimes go to the store and shop too.

SO i think the issue is lack of dating, that seems to be the main issue here.

However, looking back, i always felt like a lack of connection with her sexually/physically. Maybe it is just i had a lot of wild girls in the past, but i also get this vibe that my wife has a wild side that i've never/seldom seem to see.

We have gone out a few times in hte past year where she gets drunk and gets flirty but hten gets too drunk to have sex or intimacy. mainly friends weddings, my birthday we went out when i turned 30 with friends and she had a blast, kids were with my mom. again got too drunk.

i seldom ask for her to give me oral sex because it's always no, but she will randomly at times maybe 2-3 times a year offer it. Usually she'll make some deal where i do some chore or build something like a new piece of furniture she wants or remodel a room or do some project she'll make that part of hte deal. not sure if this is some fetish of hers or if it is just her to get me to do stuff because it works well. also horrible she makes it out to a chore or task.

the only thing she is receptive of me doing to her is a back rub for the most part, she doesn't really like me touching her sexually unless it is through standard intercourse.

she runs out of cigarettes because we buy 2-3 packs at a time for her and it's a matter of one going out to the store which is 10 minutes away. I usually go for her. I have looked into the e-cig and want to get her one.

We just moved to a new area and our neighbors have some nice teenage daughters we might be able to hire to watch our kids for a date night. So that might work now.
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post #13 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 04:32 PM
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Re: we have sex but it lacks passion

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she worked prior to marriage, had her own house. She stopped working after our daughter was born and hasn't worked since. She is very frugal, she had a nice new focus when we met so not an insanely over the top car but it was a nice car, had nice clothes, a few purses but by no means a kardashian self indulger which is what i like. I don't like girls who feel th ey need 10 lbs of make up to look pretty, so she gives off an allurge of high self confidence with appearance but she does complain about weight, i think everyone does though so thats normal.
so i dont think she is physically insecure with looks.


i make a lot of money so money isn't a real issue, though i like to not be stupid with it. so basically she has a credit card and can do whatever she wants, she does the utility bills as i hate doing that, i do all the other bills mortgage etc. Basically if she spends on groceries, kids stuff etc on her credit card and if it's under 3k a month i am not worried. I did yell at her once for spending a hundred dollars on a stupid game on the iphone once and then told her to also keep it under control when we had a 4,500 credit card bill one month and she got a little defensive. i spend a lot of money on my hobbies so i let her have her way with it, but i also get mad atm yself when i blow money too. for the most part i am super liberal with her spending though i dont really care as long as we aren't doing stupid stuff. 99% of it is stuff from amazon that is for the kids and groceries.
How much a month do you spend on your hobbies?

How much a month can she spend without you having over sight? If you got angry with her for blowing $100 on a game, then you must be checking out every penny she spends.

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post #14 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 04:37 PM
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Re: we have sex but it lacks passion

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Originally Posted by FORTIFIEDORANGE View Post
I think you hit the nail on the head with the lack of interaction with each other. We need more activities together.


Our son sleeps in his own room but my wife has to rock him for an hour straight, i agree he is manipulating her. I try to go in there but he only wants momma. He is very demanding for just mom. Daughter prefers me for story and bed time.

Kids go to bed at around 8:30 pm. The pets wake my wife up at 7 am wanting food, daughter goes to school at 8:30 so my wife has to be up by 7:00. Wife goes to bed at 9:30 after kids are in bed and doesn't want to do anything but watch tv and lay there or go to sleep, or listen to music.

before we had kids we'd go on long walks with the dogs, can't just leave the house when kids are asleep. I think that's illegal.

Before we moved we had a baby sitter and did more dinner and a movie type dates, sometimes go to the store and shop too.

SO i think the issue is lack of dating, that seems to be the main issue here.

However, looking back, i always felt like a lack of connection with her sexually/physically. Maybe it is just i had a lot of wild girls in the past, but i also get this vibe that my wife has a wild side that i've never/seldom seem to see.

We have gone out a few times in hte past year where she gets drunk and gets flirty but hten gets too drunk to have sex or intimacy. mainly friends weddings, my birthday we went out when i turned 30 with friends and she had a blast, kids were with my mom. again got too drunk.

i seldom ask for her to give me oral sex because it's always no, but she will randomly at times maybe 2-3 times a year offer it. Usually she'll make some deal where i do some chore or build something like a new piece of furniture she wants or remodel a room or do some project she'll make that part of hte deal. not sure if this is some fetish of hers or if it is just her to get me to do stuff because it works well. also horrible she makes it out to a chore or task.

the only thing she is receptive of me doing to her is a back rub for the most part, she doesn't really like me touching her sexually unless it is through standard intercourse.

she runs out of cigarettes because we buy 2-3 packs at a time for her and it's a matter of one going out to the store which is 10 minutes away. I usually go for her. I have looked into the e-cig and want to get her one.

We just moved to a new area and our neighbors have some nice teenage daughters we might be able to hire to watch our kids for a date night. So that might work now.
I agree that there might be some fundamental issues with your wife and her sexuality. But first you need to get your relationship as good as it can get. The books I suggested are very good for that.

After you do all of the things that the books suggest and hopefully you two are back to dating and loving it, you might need to get the two of you to a sex therapist. But going to one fight now will backfire because of the lack of non-sexual intimacy in your relationship.

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post #15 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 05:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: we have sex but it lacks passion

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How much a month do you spend on your hobbies?

How much a month can she spend without you having over sight? If you got angry with her for blowing $100 on a game, then you must be checking out every penny she spends.
i probably give feed back on spending habits once or twice a year at most. She spent 100 dollars on in game app purchases on an iphone game once lol, she admitted it was stupid and there was little friction over that.

Time spent on my hobbies is probably a couple hours a week at most. Her perception is every second i spend on it is times 100 though. So if i go out with friends to go do our nerdy hobby stuff for 3 hours on a saturday she would get all upset at me over it every time.

her main hobby really is video games on her phone and the xbox. I am not that big into the games as she is. I do play a couple computer games but only mainly when she is doing her own thing. She likes her alone time and space she says, so whenever i try to interact she seems to be more interested in reading a book, playing a game etc...
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